FTM dealing with losing independence - STM Advice Welcome!

ANZ116 · August 2016

Hey everyone! I'm about to be a FTM and I don't know about any of you, but I'm really starting to panic. DH and I were discussing hospital overnight bags and I realized I will need to get that around soon. Then, of course my mind started spiraling. DH is for the most part supportive and is a 50/50 partner, but as I'm sure a lot of you have experienced I feel like I"m carrying the team (literally ha!). While we are excited for DD's arrival, she was a bit of a surprise for us, and I didn't get to have any last hoorah or anything. It feels lonely being inbetween my friends with no kids (who like to go out for happy hour) and my mama friends (who also like to go out for happy hour, and discuss the latest with their kids). I am just a little stuck, and starting to feel resentful that my DH has this time to adjust, where I'm already in mom mode. I get scared of feeling like a "milk machine" after the baby comes, and am honestly already dreading the day he has to go back to work and it's all on me.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with these emotions, so I thought a forum where we can share/vent (and not feel so alone) would be nice. STMs I'd love your advice for how you coped with this, or even just a little glimmer of hope that it's not as bad as it seems in my head

BmcD2016 · August 2016

You're getting your pregnancy anxiety. Take a deep breath. While you may be worried that it's such a huge life change, it's also one of the best. So much happiness that you never knew could exist, is about to happen to you. This pregnancy happened sooner than we planned, and I'm becoming a first time mom all over again. My current youngest is almost 10! But I take it one day at a time and know that everything does seem to sort of fall into place once baby is here.

princesslockness · August 2016

One baby is pretty portable. If your DH is a 50/50 partner then you should still get your own time, away from LO to decompress. If you are truly feeling like you are just a milk machine once LO gets here, try pumping. LO will still get the BM but you will get a break from nursing. Or if you aren't against it, you can have 1 formula that DH feeds every day.

MrsBigTime · August 2016

I've had moments where I struggle with this, but honestly, I've found adjusting to life with another human depending on you 24/7 pretty manageable. Yes, it's totally intensive, but it's more beautiful than stressful (at least for me!) and that makes it so you can keep going on, doing the same thing every single day.

I do often remind myself that this is just a season. So very soon she will grow and change and she will naturally need me a little less and I'll find myself with a bit more breathing room and as crazy as it seems, you'll wish for the moments when you were literally all the wanted and needed.

Also, to echo PP, a single baby is pretty easy to take with you wherever you need to go. Pedicures, doctors appointments, hair cuts, lunch with friends, take her along! I'd also recommend joining a local moms group so you can have a group of women who support you in this season. People who are free to meet you at the park, or on a random Wednesday morning for coffee, or to just slowly push your strollers around a quiet shopping complex as you band together in this new life you have. I loved my new mom/breastfeeding support group in the beginning and then my baby bootcamp classes when my DD was a bit older (LOVED these!!!) - I've gained incredible friendships with other moms who literally know exactly how long my days feel, because theirs are just as long.

I'll end with this: although new motherhood offers a tremendous amount of challenges, it offers more peace and joy than anything I've ever experienced. Sure, it's 1,000 easier to go to the grocery store without a baby, but nothing is better than the weight of that baby against your chest (and that's what Safeway delivery is for, anyways!)! This is cheesy, but I think newborns offer us a unique opportunity to really savor heaven on earth and its up to us to try to not focus on the exhaustion, the crying or the tough stuff, but to really embrace the sweetness that this season offers.

You'll do amazing, mama, and when you feel like you aren't amazing, tell your hubby you've gotta take a break and go have the most amazing 20 minute shower of your life (your standards will be remarkably lower by this time). I promise, you'll feel like a whole new woman!

camcbeth · August 2016

@ANZ116 You sound like a great mom already with perfectly normal emotions prepping for baby. I don't know your situation, but with my first I did have a few breakdowns that first year. My husband is a great 50/50 partner. Just after DD was born I was back to work within 6 weeks full time, working on my master's full time, and caring for a little one, on top of normal housework. A few times I was very past overwhelmed. My husband even threw in a surprise trip to Las Vegas when our kiddo was 4 months old. Even though I was terrified of leaving my little one for a few nights, it was good for us. This go around things have slowed way down now that I've finished my master's and stay at home. I joined a mommies book club (never really being a big reader) and it's been a nice way to get out each month just to have happy hour and talk with adults. One of the moms joined before her baby was born, because she just wanted to adjust. Also, it does feel like 24/7, but nap times are great times for you to be alone.

LindsayLuLu27 · August 2016

STM with 2 yr old DD: I worked the first year and started staying at home after she turned 1. If you're planning on going back to work don't worry you'll feel like your self soon and not a milk machine who is losing herself and any freedom you had. That being said the first year is survival mode because once you think you got it figured out they have a huge milestone and start doing something new that you have add to your routine. I do think that if you're going to transition to being stay at home and have a new baby the transition can be a bit more overwhelming but still totally manageable. Being aware of your feeling and concerns means you're already handling this well... Once baby is here it's imperative that you have time to yourself even if it's just getting your hair done or having time to shower and get ready with hair and makeup done while husband watches baby (trust me it will make you feel human again).

as for being in between single friends and mommy friends that's just going to play itself out. I had single friends that got it and were there trying to figure this mom thing out with me and I had single friends that's kinda fell off and kept partying... The reality is your baby comes first so yea you won't be partying much anymore. I am also way closer to mommy friends just because they are in the struggle with me and there's something to be said for someone who has been there and can guide you through the change and milestones that's about to happen.

50/50 husbands are amazing and having a plan of how to deal with all the changes is a great plan... But also be ready for adjustments. Babies like to throw curve balls just to see what you'll do so planning on being the one to get up with them at night is cool until it's day 4 of no sleep and you're losing your mind then he might need to wake up with baby

also we planned on 50/50 but when DD became a serious mamas girl the 50/50 looked more like I was on baby duty 100% and he stepped up and cooked and cleaned and brought me whatever I needed for her because he knew there was no break for me during that clingy stage.

it sounds like you're preparing perfectly and nerves is normal and good because it means your aware and you care a lot but yea, it's about to be a real change and so worth it! You honestly won't miss what you have to give up because you get so much more. But give yourself time and allow yourself to cry because it's a lot of change that first year but again so worth it and you won't miss anything at all!

MollySm · August 2016

I have two girls, and a third on your way. I think it's really good to think about stuff like this before baby comes, because it is a really enormous lifestyle change. We are a pretty social couple, so with our first especially we still went out a ton, which was awesome. But that doesn't mean there weren't changes.

We are also a 50/50 household, which is great, but it is a lot easier to be 50/50 without a baby. Especially if one parent is home with baby most of the time, baby is likely going to develop a preference for that parent. It will be easier to soothe baby, to know what baby wants, etc. than for the working parent. The best advice I got when I was first pregnant is that it is so important to let dad create his own relationship with our daughter, no matter how different it was from what I was doing, and how hard it was to watch knowing that I could do things better/faster/easier. It was hard(especially when he was trying to soothe a young baby, which he is great at, but I can definitely do more quickly), but in the long run my girls have an amazing relationship with their dad, and they are completely comfortable with him putting them to bed, taking care of them when they get hurt, doing meals or baths or getting them to gymnastics class or whatever. I have friends who just did it all because it was easier, and now that the kids are getting a bit older they find that it's impossible to get out because their kids aren't comfortable with dad in any role except loving playmate.

The other big thing that's come up with my mom friends is that often even completely involved dads go through a bit of a crisis when the babies start to get a little bigger. When they are young, dad can watch sports or play video games or whatever with baby right there. As the baby grows, it's going to want more attention than just being cuddled. I think when we are pregnant, moms often start to focus so much of their attention on baby that it's not such a change for us when this happens. But for dads it can be a little different. My H definitely went through a hard time when life changed and video games were suddenly only appropriate when our oldest was in bed. He couldn't keep up with his child free friends anymore, and that was frustrating.

This can also be an issue in terms of getting together with friends. If I want to get together with friends, it either needs to be someplace I'm planning on bringing the baby, or I need to let my husband know that I am doing this and he's in charge. The same has to be true for him. He can't just go out for a beer after work, or meet guys on the weekend without me having to take over full child responsibility. My H and I talked about this early on, and decided that his work time was my work time at home, and during those hours I was fully responsible for the kids. But that after that we were both fully responsible, so we needed to talk to each other about plans that didn't involve the kids. It took a little work, but we have a great routine now where we do tons of stuff together as a family, but we also make sure that each of us gets nights out with friends, or sleep in mornings, and those things we do fairly equally. Many of the moms I know never dealt with this, and now have husbands who are great fathers in so many ways, but sleep in on weekends when they want with no reciprocation, and go out with friends when they want but to get mom time out with her friends is a huge hassle for her.

That was a long response, but I have a big group of mom friends from my first bump board and just life in general, and I hate watching them struggle because they just went with the flow when baby was little and then got into some family habits that now they don't know how to get out of. I think it's important to think about these things, and have lots of talks with your H about how you picture things and how he pictures things, and to keep evolving as your kids get older and as you add other children.

shevaCC · August 2016

We actually had a rougher transition from 1 to 2 than from 0 to 1. We moved right before I became pregnant so I didn't have any friends in our new town until after DD was born thus all my local friends are "mom friends". So even though we both work full-time, I took on the lion's share of parenting tasks for DD and DH had a decent amount of free-time.

Once DS was born, DH felt like the world closed in on him, when in reality he was being introduced to being a 50-50 parent for the first time. It was...unpleasant in our house for quite a while since he fought the adjustment, then struggled through what likely was undiagnosed depression. He's doing much better now and is a great parent to both our kids, but it took him a really long time to bond with DS.

I think this is an important subject to talk about and think about as much as is possible beforehand and over the next year of adjustment to family life with a baby. It's hard that you didn't feel like you got to "fit everything in" and then get pregnant (or not) on your own timetable. But these little people really do fill your heart with love, as cliche as it may sound. There are so many great moments and they also don't stay tiny forever.

ANZ116 · August 2016

You are all so amazing. Thank you for the encouraging words, advice, and personal stories! Sometimes, just knowing that "this feeling is normal" is all it takes to feel like I can breathe easy again so thank you for that!

MrsMaryK2016 · August 2016

I had my first ever panic attack after walking into Buy Buy Baby by myself the 1st time. The first thing you see when you walk in is this wall of strollers and car seats. Like 60 of them right there to choose from and all of a sudden I got this panicked, I'm-not-ready-for-this feeling. I cried the whole way home and then completely lost it when my husband asked me what was wrong. I just wasn't ready for all the changes, decisions, responsibility, etc. and it hit me all at that moment how real this was getting. He talked me off the ledge and I'm fine now but I know exactly how you feel, you're definitely not alone.

BmcD2016 · August 2016

MrsMaryK2016 said:

I had my first ever panic attack after walking into Buy Buy Baby by myself the 1st time. The first thing you see when you walk in is this wall of strollers and car seats. Like 60 of them right there to choose from and all of a sudden I got this panicked, I'm-not-ready-for-this feeling. I cried the whole way home and then completely lost it when my husband asked me what was wrong. I just wasn't ready for all the changes, decisions, responsibility, etc. and it hit me all at that moment how real this was getting. He talked me off the ledge and I'm fine now but I know exactly how you feel, you're definitely not alone.

That is definitely the wall of panic! It happened to me too.

Fullhandsfullheart · August 2016

Even though it's a big change, don't feel like you can't do things with a baby. For the first few months they are easy to take out since they sleep so much. I brought my son with me to appointments and shopping and just kept him in his car seat and it was pretty easy. When they get a little more mobile, it does become a challenge to keep them occupied during things like appointments, but then I found that around age 1 (and beyond), taking my son places got easy again because I didn't have to pack much, just threw a snack, a diaper, and wipes in my purse and off we went.

What I have found the most challenging was adding another baby to the mix. Now, I can't get out the house without preparing to leave a good hour before because I have to pack so much and sometimes it's not even worth loading them up in the car, unloading and bringing them into the store just to grab one thing. At times I do miss having the freedom to just get in the car and run a quick errand without having kids with me, but my husband is so helpful and I can save most of my quick trips for when he gets home from work or on the weekends. It sounds like your husband wants to help out as much as he can, so I'm sure you will get in a routine with him that will allow you to get out when you need to and vice versa. Don't stress!

LaurenJane1984 · August 2016

This may seem like the most obvious piece of advice... But communication and setting expectations is so important. With our first (now 16 months old), both us had the option to "tag out" when we needed time to... Whatever, take a nap, go in the other room, shower, etc... No questions asked. We both used it equally and it really helped to not feel like all the responsibility was mine. We also pre determined how we would handle night time feeding. I started pumping and nursing right away so we could split duties over night. I went to bed earl since hubby is a night owl and I got up for the first wake up and nursed, pumped, and had a bottle ready for hubby when she woke a second time. I usually was able to sleep from 9-1 and 2-6. Obviously this didn't happen every night, but I started to feel normal after 4-5 weeks. We also pre chatted about food duty. I made a lot of crock pot meals during the day, and stocked the freezer full of meals we pre made together while I was preggo. This was a life saver. If I didn't get around to making anything I would call my hubby and he would figure out dinner, no questions asked. He did all the dishes. When he was home at night he was interacting with our daughter a lot which gave them bonding time and time for me to shower, zone out, go for a walk, whatever. They have the best bond now. Even if she wanted mommy more we would really push bonding with poppa and skin to skin time with him. I also shopped online to avoid baby merchandise anxiety. I don't care what any one tells you, you do not need all that crap they are trying to sell. Go with your gut and take lots of pics.

kgrisham18 · August 2016

Our first was a bit of a surprise and I wasn't necessarily "ready" yet. The first few months will def be mostly about you, but I made sure to get out of the house everyday of maternity leave- run errands, lunch with friends, etc. If your baby is ok with it- go out with her to dinner. We did so many dinners out when ours was first born (and now I dread going out to eat with her). Now that DD is almost 2, we've got a good non-routine of making sure each of us adults gets our "me" time. I go to the gym on the weekends or run errands alone. DH usually golfs or works out on the weekends for me time. He's pretty involved but don't feel bad asking him to help if you think you're doing a majority of the work.

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