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May 2016 Moms
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Marital problems

lisapaulinolisapaulino member
in May 2016 Moms
Anyone else a SHM and having bad marital issues? We're having terrible fights lately and they all lead back to me "being home all day". As if this was my decision and not OUR decision. I'm so fed up, honestly, im starting to think about my life as a divorced mother of 2 small children. Im not one to give up but over the past 2 yrs we can't seem to see eye to eye over our lives and roles. Im tired, honestly. Im so unhappy and on edge all of the time. I need support and to know this may ne normal and other mommys are/have dealt with this.
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Re: Marital problems

  • mmemartinezmmemartinez member
    A woman staying home with two children that need attention - love, play, fed, and more - does not have time to do all the housework too. It's just not realistic when one of those kids is a baby. It's too much. Sure you can do some - I can manage a little laundry or some sweeping and general picking up of things. Some days. Other days it is so crazy and we are out of the house all day to keep my 4 yr old entertained and make appointments and nothing gets done. Does he have a mother he can talk to about what to reasonably expect? A sister? Your best option is that or counseling if he thinks you are some how a magic maid who can do everything and raise kids. I mean. I could sit my 4 yr old on the IPad and baby in the swing for maybe an hour to do stuff. And even then is it worth it? It's moments gone with the kids IMO. My DH works, does almost all
    the dishes and good chunk of laundry too plus outdoor stuff on weekends and will take over with the kids. He's a great person but not the only man capable of such behavior. Other men do it, your DH can too I'm sure.
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  • dancingsphinx22dancingsphinx22 member
    *April lurker*

    My DH and sometimes have battles too. It's usually when he comes home from work and the house is messy, or there's dishes in the sink. He acts like taking care of the baby all day is so easy. I get pissed because he expects too much. 

    I tell him I feel overwhelmed and that he's being critical and unrealistic. 

    I could talk till I'm blue in the face, and it won't do any good. 

    My best way of dealing with this is to leave him with the baby for a few hours, then come home and ask him why he didn't take the trash out, walk the dogs, clear the dishes, vacuum, wash the bottles, etc. 

    Then, and only then, does he "get it"

    Is this something you can do with your husband? Can you leave him alone with the kids for a few hours so he can get a taste of what you're dealing with?

    Pregnancy Ticker

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  • cortney626cortney626 member
    I'm a working mom so I haven't gone through thus but I have several friends who have. Communication is key. Has he stayed with the kids by myself for an extended legth of time to know how difficult it is to have everything completed? One of my best friends was a SAHM and her and her husband both started resenting one another. He was the sole breadwinner. She was with the kids all day and wanted to hand them to him as soon as he walked in the door. She decided to go back to work and things got a lot better for them. I'm not saying goin back into the workforce is a cure all for your marriage but I'd definitely talk to him and see what the underlying issue is. Is there a part of him that resents that he's the sole source of income or is it that you're home all day and the house isn't immaculate? You should never feel bad for making he decision to stay home with your kids. Having small children will definitely test a marriage. Hopefully you both can communicate and put the effort in to making it work. Sorry you're going throught a rough patch. 
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  • erikalee1876erikalee1876 member
    I go through the same thing...my through the same thing...my SO thinks that staying at home with the LO is a piece of cake...tells me all the time how we need to trade places..although he cant even deal with the baby crying for a min before he always assumes babys hungry and wants to pop a bottle in his mouth...its so frustrating that he cant see that i do most of the basic house work but taking care of a 2 month old isn't as easy as he thinks..id like to see all these men do it themselves
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  • kp90kp90 member
    I was off for 12 weeks and we definitely had arguments and I heard comments like what you mentioned. I honestly don't think men understand because they haven't been in our shoes. Try your best to communicate and be civil. Let him know how fed up you are and show him you're very serious. Hopefully you two can come to an understand but this is definitely not uncommon. Trust me. I hope you work it out. Best of luck. 
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  • lisapaulinolisapaulino member
    Such a good idea to list responsibilities! 
    He works his regulsr day job plus has an after work business so he puts in a good 90 hrs per week. So i get it. But my job is mentally exhausting, too! The dramatic toddler tantrums alll day
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  • lisapaulinolisapaulino member
    Hmm, the rest of my post disappeared
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  • michellabananamichellabanana member
    Omg...what I am about to say probably sounds maybe so deceitful and also maybe 1950s.  But don't judge lol...but right before my husband comes home, I make sure I'm doing something...making dinner, washing dishes or laundry....with baby in arms!  But I also am very positive when he comes home.  How can you be mad at a lady who is washing a dish and holding a dish and smiling lol... omg I just sent us back so far lol.. but it prompts him to take the baby (we are so lucky to have such a good baby). And then I can do a couple chores...that make it seem like we have a clean house lol...

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  • lisapaulinolisapaulino member
    Hilarious!!!! I too make sure im not sitting taking a breather when hubby comes home lol 
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  • dshannahdshannah member
    I've mentioned this before, in another thread, but what works for DH and me is the rule that neither of us gets to relax unless the LO is cared for, the laundry is done, and the bottles are clean. If you want to relax and any one of those things isn't done, you need to ask the other person's permission.

    We had to have the talk about how staying home with the baby is work, too, and I definitely second pp's suggestions of leaving him alone with the kids, just as a reminder to him of all the work you do. 

    And it it also might help (advice from my awesome MIL) to address the issue as one of priorities: is having a clean house more important than a happy and healthy child? More important than you staying sane? 

    Finally, just because you are a SAHM does not mean you cannot *also* hire help! I was a mother's helper in High School: I entertained a 3yo while the mother took care of the LO and cleaned up around the house. And I hired a young cousin of mine to stay with my LO while I worked from home. It was awesome: she kept him happy and also did his laundry and cleaned his bottles, and on a good day she'd have it all done and I'd remind myself that all of that is easier done on a full night's sleep, but most of the time she would only make a dent in the laundry or clean half of the bottles and I'd be reminded that it really is a heck of a lot to accomplish in a day! And it was so nice not to have to do everything ourselves!!

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  • Pomegranate1983Pomegranate1983 member
    DH and I had some heated discussions also. He understood being a full time mom was exhausting and a lot of work, and he didn't complain about things benng done. Instead, I got frustrated with him because he would come from work and do nothing, and weekends were spent doing things he wanted to do instead of what needed to get done. So it's a slightly different situation but like your sitaution, the expectations were different and it really caused problems in our marriage. Like the other posters said, he didn't really understand what it was like until I went out for a few hours and he took care of her. When I got back, he looked at me and said, "how do you get anything done? All she wants to do is be held and I can't do anything else when I'm holding her." It was refreshing to hear that and things didn't magically get better instantly. It took more talks over the course of a month and a chore chart to get it to where I wasn't do all the household chores. This may be TMI but it also helped when I told him I was too stressed to have sexy time (as we sometimes call it)  if there was laundry, dirty dishes, messy house, etc. So when he helps out with the chores that puts me at ease and we could both have more fun (and not just with sexy time but also with getting out for social functions together, etc). I've always been like this so it isn't a lie or bargaining to get him to do something. When I'm overwhelmed, I can't relax to be intimate.
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  • GoatSnakeMouseGoatSnakeMouse member
    This is why we should have paid family leave for all parents. DH and I both work, and I took off the first 10 weeks, and he is home now. His perspective DEFINITELY changed once he was the one home with the baby full time.
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