Reasons Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.2

dmontgo · August 2016

Realized a new thread hasn't been posted for a while!

What's your family doing this week that's sure to send you to the loony bin?

phoenix870509 · August 2016

My cousin (mom's first cousin) is on the autism spectrum (never formally diagnosed). He can't hold down a job and is on a limited income. When his father died and his mother put in assisted living (she has dementia) my uncle became his legal guardian. Because my uncle is up north and my mom is down here she does a lot for him. The other day she talked with him for 45 minutes, then the next day got a call from her brother, who told her the cousin mentioned he had no food and his car is in the shop (which my uncle shelled out $400 to have fixed, which he complained about). He did not mention this on the call with my mom the previous day. So my mom calls me and complains about it. What do you want me to do about it? She ignores his calls half the time because "she doesn't want to deal with him" and now that he's out of food she's going to buy him stuff and he gets what he gets. Thankfully she took my advice and asked him some things he would like to get him through the week. But it's always this negativity around my cousin and I hate it. It's not his fault he is like this. My cousin has mentioned many times he doesn't feel like he should live alone and my mom and uncle agree he needs to be in a group home but now he's not sure. As guardian my uncle can do whatever he wants. I just want to know my cousin is safe and don't want to hear my mom complain about him. He is dependent on our help. If he were capable of going out and getting a job I wouldn't be like this, but he can't. The least they can do is treat him like a human being and not a burden on their existences.

yellingbanana · August 2016

We have a ton of family from out of state visiting, including my two sisters and their families, and my step brother and his family. My mom and I are the ones with a guest bedroom, my mom actually has 2 bedrooms but my step brother and his family are visiting from England. I'm taking in my middle sister, her DH, their 3 kids, and my niece from my other sister. I thought my mom would have my oldest sister use a guest bedroom at her place, but my stepdad is unwilling to have his 2 grandchildren (6 & 9) sleep on the hide a bed. 'My grandchildren will sleep on a real bed'.
So my 40 yr old sister and her 12 yr old will not get a guest bed because it's taken by kids who would think sleeping on the floor or a hide a bed would be great, but their grandfather is too proud and inconsiderate. My 40 yr old sister only visits every 5 yrs. My mom won't stand up and say 'adults get beds', instead she is offering to help my sister pay for a hotel. So I'm going to show them how it's done, and have my kids give their beds to the adults. My kids love sleepovers on the floor, and if they didn't, tough.
Rant done.

princesslockness · August 2016

@yellingbanana Your stepdad needs a serious kick in the pants. That is ridiculous, making an adult sleep somewhere because your grandkids.

yellingbanana · August 2016

I know! Let's give the 40 yr old a couch and let the nimble children have the bed. Wtf?

Amecsey · August 2016

So normally my husband is amazing and loving and sweet, etc. But last night we really got into it. On our way home from my nephews birthday dinner last night he mentions how easy housework is compared to doing yard work. My first verbal response was "Fuck you," half serious and half dismissive. This made him mad. Our agreement is that he does the yard work and i take care of the inside of the house. First of all, he has been pretty lazy in the yard work department, and it's monsoon season, and we have a pool. So it has all kind of piled up and is hitting him at once. He is now going to hire someone to do it because HE LET IT GET TO THIS POINT. Yes I realize that yard work is more physically tasking, but if I were to add up the hours I spend cleaning up after us and the dogs, doing laundry, mopping, and keeping the inside how he sees it every day, and obviously takes for granted, the time i spend would far outweigh any time he spends doing yard work. I apologize for cursing at him before we even get back home, which he obviously does not listen to, and a few moments later calls me a bitch. I haven't let this one go yet. Part of me wants to stop doing the house work and let him see how it could be, part of me wants to bring this all up again and hash it out until he sees my point, and then there's me just being quiet about it in reality. Ugh!

dmontgo · August 2016

@Amecsey That's rough! Sorry this blew up into something hurtful and irritating. It sounds like he felt you were joking or being condescending when you apologized. Sometimes, well for me, anyway, I need some time to decompress before I can accept or give apologies...I need to calm my mind. Calling you a bitch was not the best course of action on his part, either.

But, I like to make sure there are no grudges or resentment when DH and I have disagreements. So, I would gently bring it back up again in a neutral tone--

"Hey DH, I am really sorry I snapped at you the other night--it wasn't very nice of me. I have no doubt that yard work is exhausting, and I appreciate that you do it when you can. However, sometimes I feel like my efforts in cleaning the house go unnoticed, and that hurts because I try to create a clean and inviting environment for our family. What can we do to work together so that in the future we aren't overwhelmed with this work all at once?"

You can add or subtract whatever you want, but I generally find that my DH is a lot more receptive and willing to talk if I don't say things like, "You made me feel" or "You always do XYZ!" He doesn't feel like I'm blaming him, but trying to discuss issues.

I hope everything smooths over soon, and hopefully he has learned a lesson in not neglecting in duties.

whitneyp26 · August 2016

I feel like my kids are surely the worst behaves animals on the planet.

maamawaabangi · August 2016

I emailed my dad a photo of the baby's ultrasound and specifically said, "we didn't find out the sex"... He writes back... "I thought we weren't finding out the sex of the baby!"
Sometimes I have no idea what to do with him.
I wrote back, "we didn't..."
He writes back "I love you too"
Seriously... I'm so confused. I think he just need more attention or something. Hes just exasperating in really small ways!

dmontgo · August 2016

We haven't told my parents we're having a boy yet, because my dad always makes everything about him, or he takes credit for my accomplishments.

When I do talk to my parents, which isn't frequently anymore, he goes on and on about how he wants baby to be a boy so he can teach him to be a man...as if DH doesn't exist. Last time we saw him, he wanted to make a bet with DH that baby will be a boy. So I know as soon as he finds out, he will do this:

"OH I KNEW IT THE WHOLE TIME! HAHAHA (insert DH's name here) I TOLD YOU!!"

As if he had something to do with it. Ugh.

Amecsey · August 2016

@dmontgo Thanks, that made me feel better. I am going to gently bring it up tonight. I'm definitely not the type of person that can let things go easily, so i need to at least tell him that it hurts my feelings when i feel unappreciated or my hard work goes unnoticed.

leksiL · August 2016

@Amecsey I'm sorry you are dealing with this. if he finds housework so easy you could always offer to switch with him

Austenista · August 2016

I've been a homemaker for years and that is just something that blows my mind - the idea that there isn't much to do, it isn't a lot of work, or that you're lazy. House work is the number one never ending job. Even if you dedicate yourself to it like a homemaker does there's still a million things that need done regularly.

I mean sure I like to get on the internet some during the day and do other things, but half of the time I'm on the Internet chatting with DH about something while he's at work.

Housework is work, yard work is work, work is work. Sorry you and DH got into a fight. The B-word is not allowed at my house so I flinch when I read it. I second @dmontgo in saying that approaching him and sharing your perspective in a non combative way might help you guys find some common ground. Maybe agreeing to help each other do chores might lighten the load for both of you and help him appreciate that it isn't so easy indoors just because they're is A/C.

Amecsey · August 2016

Thanks guys, I brought it up last night and we talked about it. He agreed that the housework is never ending and that i am constantly doing things around the house. We decided to start a yard service, mostly because I was already thinking about it and am going to need him in the house helping with the babies once they are born, and if it's already being neglected then it will only get worse in December. I'm trying to be sympathetic, and I know he has been stressed out lately. And I could argue with him more that i work ten hour days and when i get home I am just as exhausted as he is, but it's not worth it.

Toller · August 2016

@Amecsey I'm glad you talked about it! I'm no expert as I only have one DD so far, but just her arrival put stress on me and DH in a whole new way, and I think twins will be right up there- particularly at the end of the pregnancy (it doesn't sound like we can do much of anything....) and when the babies get here. I would try to keep an open dialogue between the both of you because nothing is worse than feeling like you aren't on the same team- when you are! Me and DH are trying to talk about a lot of things now (what will change for a while, etc when the babies come) and keep reminding each other that it will take both of us to survive this and we both need to be forgiving and thoughtful. Putting in effort ahead of time can only help!

SarahF8611 · August 2016

It drives me BONKERS when my MIL adds H and I's name to a card she sends out. H's relative died to this week so I texted her for their address and shes like "oh, I wrote your name on our card". WHY??? We are almost 30 and have our own family. Just because your other two adult, grown children still live at home, doesn't me you should add us to your cards. I know it seems small but it's so annoying to me! Plus, it just seems disingenuous to that person receiving it; we live 2 hours away, clearly we were zero involved with sending that card. End rant.

ajstevenson · August 2016

@SarahF8611 my ex-MIL used to do this. Even after we talked about not doing it. Finally I just made sure that I kept every address that I got from her and I sent our own cards. Even if I knew she already sent one with our names on it. She eventually stopped but never seemed bothered when we "doubled up" on cards. Cards were a big thing in their family.

aevan011 · August 2016

I've mentioned my narcissistic mom several times, and a huge falling out I had with her in June after she assaulted my siblings and then blamed the three of us... that's the short version anyways.

Well I haven't responded to mom since June, when I basically told her I would no longer ignore her behavior and had nothing else to say to her.....Aside from one very short text to tell her I'm pregnant, and she responded rudely to that, saying she deserved a phone call. *shrugs* whatever, I was trying to be nice. I didn't feed into that. After talking it through with DH & my therapist, I decided that going no contact might be best, since I can't even HAVE a conversation about boundaries at this point.

Since then, she texted saying she was excited and happy for me....then my siblings & I got really rude shitty texts about how she deserves better.....then an email saying she loves me....no apologies. She's lied to my siblings several times in the past month, severed ties with family friends who are supportive of me. But the shining moment was yesterday.

We got two boxes in the mail. I was going to just throw them away since returning to her would just fuel the fire. But DH opened them... inside was a note saying "from grammie, call me, love you all" and a bunch of baby stuff. One thing that said "I love grandma" and another with my mom's favorite NFL team (not mine or DH's). DH was livid. I'm exhausted from dealing with this. Anything further WILL go directly in the trash WITHOUT opening.

Sorry....this was really long but it feels better getting it out.

dmontgo · August 2016

@aevan011 Many hugs to you---narcissists for parents suck. Going no contact with my narc MIL and VLC with my parents has made a HUGE difference on me and DH emotionally and psychologically. I don't know if you read the appointment thread today, but my BP has dropped just by not dealing with them.

If you feel going NC is what is best for you---DO IT. No regrets, no guilt---just do it. There comes a point where respectful conversation does not work...they simply will never, ever take responsibility. MIL sends emails to SIL (who also went NC) and it will be paragraph after paragraph of insincere apologies. She never takes real responsibility--"Yeah well sorry for the things I've done, but you hurt me a lot worse!" Etc. It's always about them, as just that one sports onesie tells you.

You have my full support in cutting ties if that means you will begin to heal and keep your baby safe! Don't let anyone---yourself included---make you feel guilty for wanting peace of mind and emotional safety. I'm always here if you want to talk further!

aevan011 · August 2016

@dmontgo Thank you! Mom has been giving my siblings material things and acting nice, to the point my sibs were starting to pressure me to talk to her. But then went back to toxic with them. I hate to say "i told ya so"....but I did. You're right on all of that - thanks again, also - awesome that your BP has dropped!!! I honestly can say I have had a lot clearer mind not having to worry about what mom is up to, what she'll be mad about, when I need to call her....etc.

dmontgo · August 2016

@aevan011 Gifts are a narcissist's covert weapon of manipulation. Definitely one of my dad's favorite techniques. They'll give you a gift to foster obligation--then how can you say they are bad people if they gave you gifts? But it's just so they have a way to control you later. Hopefully your siblings will learn, but good for you for not falling for it! It is truly sinister.

aevan011 · August 2016

@dmontgo I've been out of my mom's house for 15 years but my sibs have not, I've been trying to open their eyes to these weapons but they're only recently understanding. I can't wait to have a yard sale this month and finally cleanse my house of all this mom stuff that I kept to avoid guilt.....hahaha

dmontgo · August 2016

@aevan011 Sibling relationships in these situations can be so tough, especially if they are still super-enmeshed. My brother still live with my parents and because they keep him financially dependent on them, he can't leave. I feel powerless to help him, but the times I've made suggestions he just brushes them off even though he is miserable. He has to want to get better and deal with the fleas he carries, but I don't think he's ready yet. When he is, change will come.

My SIL was miserable but would tell me that if I just gave MIL a chance that she will be nice, etc. She couldn't bring herself to admit how abusive and irrational her mom is, and when I would resist she'd get mad at me! But she finally decided to go NC and get to therapy, and our relationship has completely changed for the better. She just had to be ready to make tough decisions, and we can't make those for them. Denial is an extremely powerful force, and can take years to break free from...some never do at all.

Did your mom ever give you weird and useless gifts? I hate getting those lol.

aevan011 · August 2016

@dmontgo They were very much enmeshed until the recent "incident" when they both finally left. Prior to, my brother was almost fully supporting the household (mom works, but just doesn't make enough), and every time he tried to leave, the guilt trips started.

Neither sibling is willing to go to therapy like I have, but they're slowly building up their confidence by being out of that house finally. But they've both said "mom's trying, you have to give her time to change". Bro has finally accepted my choice and is being respectful of my privacy requests about this pregnancy.

My mother's gifts are almost 100% weird and useless. It's always quantity, not quality. In the last year: Home sweet home plaque from dollar store, door hanger/hook with a blue rose (why???) on it, personalized pillow cases, and endless Frozen & Star Wars items (not age appropriate for me or DH, and we've mentioned only a time or two we like these movies)......My sister did finally convince her to buy me a Pandora charm last christmas but said it took a lot of convincing (and...it was Frozen themed lol) She also had someone hand draw a copy of a photo of DH and I...very accurate, the artist is talented....but I was a little weirded out by it....

slartybartfast · August 2016

My mom experience is not the same and I can't imagine having to deal with moms like that. @dmontgo and @aevan011 But mine has severe self worth issues and uses gifts as manipulation to try to get people to value and love her. She's gotten the message that material things mean nothing to me and in fact they stress me out and moved on to bringing up their will. It feels so slimy. I made it clear without making it into a big thing that this was also a dead end. Lady. You can have a healthy place in our life. Well work with you on that. But there will be no strings. You have no angles. This is not a guilt game because we won't play it.
On the other hand, I'm at the in laws as MIL is the opposite. She's going to make a stocking for new baby and needs to know the name. I was open to telling her but she could tell we'd prefer to not so she said "no don't I'll whip it up right before Christmas" ...minor things but just those little signs of character that do mean something

dmontgo · August 2016

@aevan011 I don't know how many times we've gotten strange gifts as well--last year she sent us a box of Duck Dynasty candies and lanyards (we have never mentioned the show, nor do we like it), some linens she claims are valuable but they are stained and poorly taken care of, and some random things from the dollar store that don't reflect who we are at all. Or she's gotten us things we have said we don't like.
But she expected us to get her expensive gifts like Chanel perfume. It's very interesting how it's part of the pathology no matter who the narcissist is.

@slartybartfast I understand where you are coming from, and it's a hard place to move from. I still struggle with assuming someone doesn't like me---there's no reason I would have to assume that, I just assume they don't. In the past I've tried to be nice and do things for people to persuade them to like me, but now I'm in a place where I can say it's ok if someone doesn't like me---that doesn't mean I'm not valued or that I'm a bad person. It's truly a journey and all we can do is take it one step at a time, be kind to ourselves, and pursue relationships that are healthy.

aevan011 · August 2016

@slartybartfast I have the same thing going with my in laws, it's a polar opposite. MIL and I actually had this stocking conversation over vacation a few weeks ago. It's so nice to kinda relax around people who naturally just respect boundaries and get the social cues.

@dmontgo 100% interesting. If I made her something as a kid, she never appreciated it, and as an adult she could care less about gifts unless it's her expensive perfume or something like flowers that she can post on facebook for her friends to comment on.

I also struggle with the assumption that someone doesn't like me, a lot of social anxiety - I'm just getting to a place where I can delete an acquaintance from social media without losing sleep over it!!!

maamawaabangi · August 2016

My mom just told me she thinks my 5 yo stole one of her rings (a family heirloom). She said she knows it's my 5 yo because "the other kids wouldn't do that sort of thing" and "she showed a lot of interest in it..." She then said that she let my 5yo try on the ring and then my mom put it away. (Uh, why would you do that?) Then she left for a trip back home for a month, realized the ring hadn't been packed and when she got back here saw it wasn't in her jewelry box.

She asked me to see if I could talk to the 5 yo and also find it.

Here's my beef...
She let a 5 yo try on something of value to her and then in her care didn't supervise her... Because it wouldn't have gone missing if she had.
Second she acts like this is my responsibility to make right.
Worst of all she's targeting my 5 yo as the suspect (said she "stole" it) when she had NO idea it was even taken... She could have packed it, taken it with her and lost it on her own for all I know!

I asked my 5 yo about it. She has delays, doesn't process super clearly and is a super reactionary kid... Trying to be sensitive to her I asked lightheartedly "did mummum let you try on one of her pretty rings las time she was here?" She said, "no". She had NO clue what I was talking about.
She is crazy easy to pin when she lies... It is crazy obvious because of how she processes. And she usually isn't a kid prone to lying.

I have NO idea what to do now.

Honestly I'm just fed up with my mom.

Not joking... Every time she comes back to town she has come complaint about something my children or me or my husband has done to her things... They scratched a wall... Didn't put away toys... Left the porch light on. Stupid stuff. It's become and inside joke with my husband and I "what did we do wrong now.."
Honestly my kids are not careless... They are really sweet and well mannered. But they are kids. I don't know what to say to my mom.

ashleaf2018 · August 2016

@maamawaabangi That's rough. I would honestly just tell your mom that your daughter doesn't even remember trying it on and that you'd be able to tell if she was fibbing and leave it at that. I know you have 6 kids already but you'd probably notice if one of them started wearing valuable jewelry that you hadn't given them, and if that's the case I would tell her that too. Maybe there's a contact she can call from wherever she visited and see if she left her ring there? Or maybe if she really did let your daughter try it on, maybe she didn't put it back in the same place she usually does?

dmontgo · August 2016

@maamawaabangi Tough situation, but you know your child. I second that you should say your 5yo does not remember trying it on, but if you see it you will let her know. If she says your kid stole it (which is a very inflammatory statement in the first place), I would say that you know your child and you don't appreciate those kind of accusations without substantial proof. She's a grown woman and needs to take responsibility for her own stuff! I would be highly irritated if someone called my child a thief with no basis...

maamawaabangi · August 2016

Thank you both!
I also just got to thinking, if she had it, it would be impossible for her to get out of the house with it because she has 5 older siblings that would for sure notice it! They notice if she sticks her tongue out, or had a pen she isn't suppose to have and "tattles" in her instantly!
I just keep reminding myself this is about my mom... Not me not my daughter.

cedarLu · August 2016

Oh man! I feel for everyone in these threads. Family can be crazy. My extended family (siblings and parents) are pretty fantastic, so I'm grateful.
DH and I are doing counseling for almost a year I think, which started with me realizing I can't do anything to change HIM in our relationship, but I could change me, so I've been working my butt off with lots of internal growth, processing, reading books, personal growth galore! I definitely don't think I'm perfect, but I'm putting in so much effort! I've changed a lot. I hear what he says. I'm trying to support his dreams, even if they're the dreams of a single, unattached man instead of a husband and father. Absolutely we both have great dreams and they overlap a lot (hence us currently living overseas!), but as I've become a mother, I realized that my greatest role for the next 18-20 years is to raise my DD and this baby well to be loving humans, and that my other dreams will either fit around that, or they'll just happen later. Or maybe I've found the greatest dream of all.

My biggest rant is that I don't feel like I support for being pregnant. I had an easy first, and so far, easy second, but I do get sick more often and caring for a toddler is draining, while rewarding. But when I'm sick (like now), DH gives me about 12 hrs it seems to feel better and when I don't, he's frustrated with me. He made a comment to my DD last night (within my ear shot intentionally), "You and your mom are no good when you're sick!" What kind of person says that to their child and spouse?!?! He's a little low on the compassion and understanding, I think. Haha! I'm a hoss when it comes to pain and labor was great for me, so I'm no whimp, but I'm thinking he makes comments like that more because HE doesn't know how to react, care for someone with compassion, and so his frustration with himself, comes out towards us?

So my rant could be days long, but I'm curious - anyone gone through counseling with DH? How long did things take before you saw some real changes? I know everyone's different, just curious to hear from others. Counseling IS awesome PS - even if you do it just for yourself because it's helped me unpack so many things that I don't want to, or do want to pass on to DD and this baby!

dmontgo · August 2016

@cedarLu I haven't seen you post before, so welcome to the board!

I haven't been through couples counseling with DH, but I am a huge supporter in counseling in general. I'm so glad you've both taken the steps to seek help, though--communication issues can destroy even the best relationships.

You mentioned that you've made progress, but had he? You didn't mention what his dreams are, but if he's holding on to things from the single life, it sounds like he needs to grow up. Telling the women in his life they are "no good" when they are sick is kind of troubling to me, but since I don't know the tone or exact context it's hard to say what could motivate him to say such things besides being selfish or maybe he's terrible at jokes. Either way, it's not right to expect you to support his dreams when he can't lift a finger to empathize or support you while you are growing a child.

What has the counselor said?

maamawaabangi · August 2016

So my mom apologized and said she told my 5 yo that she had lost her ring... My 5 yo said to her "oh no! Let's look for it!" Obviously she had nothing to do with it and thankfully my mom saw that. She is still adamant she couldn't have lost it but isn't really blaming my kids either...
At least she sees my 5 yo didn't take it.
I swear she'll get home and find it there.

Amecsey · August 2016

@cedarLu I agree with @dmontgo that him saying that was not a good thing. I think counseling can be great, but only if both people make the effort to do the things necessary to make the relationship better. It sounds like you are trying very hard, but is he? And just attending the sessions doesn't count. And I understand supporting his dreams, that is big, but when life happens, dreams can change too. It doesn't diminish the dreams, it just means that they adapt to your life. The fact that he has dreams that a single, unattached man would, sounds worrisome to me. I think counseling is definitely a good idea, just make sure that he is putting in the effort to make things better too.

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