Polyamorous family member

gardengirl3 · August 2016

I wanted to get some opinions from you ladies on how to handle this...

Does anyone have any experience or know anyone who is polyamorous? My sister recently informed us of this part of her life, and while I want her to be happy and she is an adult free to live the way she wants...my husband and I have discussed this and do not want our children to be around this type of situation. I am struggling with this because normally I consider myself a pretty tolerant person. We are Catholic, so this goes against some deeply held beliefs. I know that many of you may disagree with me, but I am looking for a way to establish boundaries without creating a rift in the family.

any suggestions?

princesslockness · August 2016

Depending on how many/often she has a new partner, you can *in my mind* easily get away with 'we don't want that many strangers around LO. Once you get a more steady/permanent partner then we can re-evaluate.' Now I have no idea if that will work, but that is how I would initially approach it.

Diamond0323 · August 2016

You could have a sit down with your sister and explain how you feel. It is her life and you can't control it but you can limit what your children are exposed to. If you sister is married ask that she only bring her husband around the children, if she is not then ask that she only bring around a person she is consistent with, like a boyfriend she's had for a while. This way she feels she still has the freedom to be herself but you are more comfortable with the situation. I'm sure when the children are older they will be curious as to how other relationships work and that's not a bad thing. I just wouldn't explain it until they can completely understand the concept of differing lifestyles.

Kacie209 · August 2016

I work with a girl who is like this (if you read my TYH Tuesday post yesterday, she is the know-it-all I was talking about). She's been with her BF for 10-some years now, but I know she has relationships outside of him - male and female.

I am all for people living the life they want to live, and it doesn't effect me so whatever. But, in your case... it does. I agree with @Kate08Young and putting the rule out there that she mentioned, since you are not comfortable with it all. I get that you don't want to cause any rifts, and I think it's fair.

Austenista · August 2016

You know I don't think there's anything absurd about creating an environment for your child that you're comfortable with until such a time where you feel the child is able to understand and digest the ideas and lives of the people around them in a healthy way.

I believe that as the adults in the situation you can explain to the person in your life/your child's life that this is to be kept separate from their experiences and interactions with them. Meaning, you as an individual may have a relationship with my child, but for now, I'd prefer for us to leave this aspect of your life out of the equation. As the child matures, if the situation/experiences/qualities are still relevant you can then re-evaluate and share it with the child. Hopefully the person in question will respect those boundaries, and if they aren't able to, then you can detach knowing that you gave them a scenario of interaction that you and your husband were comfortable with and it was their choice on whether or not to accept it.

mrsmerc2015 · August 2016

I have only known poly people peripherally, and I listen to a lot of Dan Savage's pod cast where lots of people call in with questions about poly lifestyles and open relationships, so I am far from an expert. I'm strictly monogamous and can't imagine sharing my husband with anyone!

With that said, from my understanding, I don't think it is as simple as saying "I'm poly" because being poly can mean many things. Does she plan on living with more than one partner at a time? Does she have a partner now but she'll continue to date casually? Every poly person/couple has different rules and boundaries. She may never introduce another partner to you and your family, or she may have 2 partners she wants to include at family events.

I don't know if this is the type of answer you're looking for, but this is what I would do. Your beliefs are your beliefs and you have every right to raise your family as you see fit with the beliefs and morals that align with yours. I, personally, though try to expose my kids to as much diversity as possible and would be hesitant to exclude someone from my children's lives or prevent them from being their true, authentic selves around me/my family, especially another family member. I don't like the overarching message that sends my children and I wouldn't want my kids to feel like THEY couldn't be themselves or hide part of themselves from me. I've had too many friends live in closets for far too long.

I would look at this as a learning opportunity for my children that not everyone believes the same things we believe or lives life exactly as we do. I wouldn't spend much time worrying about what your kids would think, rather wait and see how your sister's polyamorous lifestyle progresses and deal with questions as they come.

Kids don't really get caught up in things like this and you don't really have to go deep in explanation unless your kids are teenagers. For example, my best friend is bisexual and is currently dating a woman. When she brought her girlfriend to our house, we were talking to my oldest about how she was coming with her girlfriend to hang out with us. He exclaimed "[Friend] has a girlfriend?!" to which my husband and I responded "yup! Her name is [name] and she's so awesome! We can't wait for you to meet her." Convo closed and my son adores BFFs GF. I also was watching a show about a transgender girl (Jazz Jennings) and my son was around. There was some conversation on the show about how she was born a boy but always knew she was a girl. My son asked about it, so I said "you know, sometimes boys are born in girl bodies and girls are born in boy bodies so they make their outsides match their insides." "Ok, cool. I'm lucky I'm a boy on the outside AND the inside, that seems hard!" "Yup, buddy, it is." Convo over.

Heck, I remember being a child and knowing my mom's uncle was gay (this was in a small town in the 80s/90s when being gay was still a terrible thing in the majority's eyes) and not really understanding or caring about who he loved. I just knew he dated men and that some people didn't like that, but that he was basically the coolest person ever and I loved him.

I was raised Catholic but am clearly very liberal. So, if I were you in your situation and my child asked me about Aunt's two friends, I'd probably say something along the lines of "you know, sometimes people love more than one person like Daddy and I love eachother at a time. Daddy and I don't agree with that and choose to only love eachother as husband and wife." This is part of parenting, giving age appropriate anwers to questions, answering just what the child asks and not giving too much information, and understanding that you can shelter your kids as much as you want, but they'll eventually find the answers to their questions and I'd rather they come to me than go to Google.

With that said, I'd hope she wasn't bringing random people around, only people she's in serious, committed relationships with. I wouldn't let her bring every Tom, Dick, and Harry into my home/around my kids and that stands whether she's poly or monogamous. I don't want to meet someone unless they are serious when my kids are around.

TL;DR That got wordy! You are entitled to your beliefs. You can shelter you kids for some time but they'll eventually figure things out so you're better off exposing them and answering any resulting questions so you can control the answer, kids don't really get that caught up in things. But no bringing random people around my kids, whether they are boyfriend #1 or #5 - I don't want anyone around my kids you're not serious about.

phoenix870509 · August 2016

One of my best friends is poly and bi. She is currently engaged to a wonderful guy and also has a serious girlfriend.

How you chose to raise your children is up to you and your DH. But kids know when something is up and ask questions. I agree with PP, to explain it to them if it comes up. But I don't see anything wrong with you not wanting your sister to bring random strangers around your kids that she probably will never see again, although poly doesn't equate to constant hooking up. They date the same as monogamous people do, form relationships the same way monogamous people do, and have break-ups like monogamous people do. They just have relationships with more than one person at a time, and usually their partners are aware of and okay with the other partners.

brittnic86 · August 2016

I agree with @mrsmerc2015. You should see what exactly her telling you she's poly entails, before you go telling her that her contact will be limited with your kids. She may never even bring her partners around you, but just wanted to be honest with you about her life. And your kids probably won't even understand what's really going on until they're older anyway.

I personally couldn't do it, and don't exactly get it...but it works for some. I can't judge people for it, because I would never judge someone for being gay. You love who you love.

caffeinenut · August 2016

@gardengirl3 Granted, I don't know much about the polyamorous lifestyle. As far as I know, I have never met or been friends with anyone living this lifestyle. And I can understand wanting to raise your children with your values and beliefs. I am atheist, and my fiancé is Catholic, though not very religious. But some of his family, and especially his mother is. My future MIL goes to church every day. So I anticipate lots of religious conflicts with raising this baby. I doubt the conflicts will be between me and my fiancé, since we have discussed this and come up with a plan already. They will come from my future MIL.

But that is the point of my response. Talk it out and have a plan. Sit down with your sister and explain to her exactly how you feel, give her the opportunity to explain exactly what she means and how serious her relationships are. Maybe you can compromise with her only bring partners she is serious about around your kids. I feel that without at least trying to compromise, you might create that rift you were trying to avoid, plus depriving your child(ren) of a loving aunt. I can tell you from experience that my aunt, though not polyamorous, had many BFs when I was a kid. Every year or so there was someone new she was living with. And you know what...I don't remember any of them, except for the one she was married to for a few years, and probably only because I was older, in my tweens to teens. It may be that your kids don't even remember a lot of the people your sister might bring by.

Also, having been with my fiancé for 5 years, I have learned through his mother and family that Catholic beliefs can be deep rooted. But that family feelings are even stronger. His Catholic family are very accepting of his 2 gay cousins. And my best friend is a lesbian. Personally, I would equate not allowing a polyamorous person around my child the same as not allowing a gay person around my child. I can't even conceive of the idea of my best friend being blocked from my baby's life. So, I have to believe there is a happy medium that you and your sister can reach.

As to teaching your kids your values, when they ask about their aunt, you could just tell them that not everyone lives and loves the same. You may not agree with all the different ways of life, but you love an respect everyone's right to choose their own path. Including your sister.

Well, I hope I don't sound too preachy or obnoxious. I tried to give my opinion as respectfully as I could.

maamawaabangi · August 2016

We are very traditional folks when it comes to things like this, but we are also very loving and accepting. We think love covers most everything and above all want to raise our kids to be agents of compassion and to serve and love others, even when we don't agree. I'd say, "filter through love" and let the stuff you don't agree with be a secondary issue that you discuss as issues arise... personally haven't seen our extended family who fall in closer to what your discribing "effect" our kids as much as I feared it might.
It might just be our kids (who don't watch tv, or are on devises much at all and who are homeschooled) but they are very niave and have genuine innocence about such things... It's really surprised me how much we have to intentionally explain to them. It's far more than I anticipated. At the same time I can see that they are able to just love and accept others in compassion, which is our main goal.
Personally, I'd just share your heart with your sister and ask that she be tactful in her actions and understanding of the confusing nature of her life to a little person. Or just bring it up if it becomes something that you think is confusing your child as they grow up.

BethWilliams · August 2016

We are poly with a few other couple friends of ours. I definitely understand the hesitation of exposing that situation to children too early. One of the couples in our group does have a daughter that is just over 1 year old, and their plan is not to have her know anything like that until she starts learning more about sexuality in general.

Obviously the decision of when to discuss this with your children is completely up to you guys, and how you present it is going to be a huge choice. I think the most important thing to tell your sister that you do not want that part of her life to intersect with your children, not to discuss the situation with them, and if she wants them to meet someone in her life, it better be a long term relationship, not someone she is casually seeing.

Hope this helps, if you want to talk more about it, let me know. I am always available to talk.

slartybartfast · August 2016

Agree with previous posters that your sisters love life doesn't need to be your kids business if you don't want it to but that doesn't mean your sister can't be a close part of their lives. I think if you approach the conversation with kindness and honesty, hopefully your sister will feel that you still love and value her but be open to accommodating some boundaries for you. There is no "right" here IMO - just different.

juliehollz13 · August 2016

I'm in the same boat as most PP's - I wouldn't want ANYONE (relative or friend) bringing around their newest "flavor of the week" around my kids. I don't mind going on a double date or hanging out with any adults, but I think it's normal to not want strangers around your kids. I think you should just re-evaluate once a partner or partners become long term or serious companions.

SarahF8611 · August 2016

This won't even begin to be an issue for two years, babies have absolutely zero concept of sexuality/boyfriends/girlfriends/etc..So I would focus less on what this means for your baby now and more about how you can support your sister now. A lot can change in two years when your child is more "self-aware" and for all you know, she will fall in love with someone is NOT poly and be in a monogamous relationship. If at the time that is an "issue" your sister is in a committed poly relationship, then you could have a conversation about how you will handle with with your children.

I also have to add, I see nothing wrong with having "strangers" around your kids..I'm confused by everyone's issue with this. I take my kid to birthday parties all the time with "strangers" there and a few of our single friends bring people they are dating to day-time cookouts or parties our kid is it. I really don't see how your sister bringing someone she is dating to a party is "harming" your child, even if she is bringing two people. Again for now, and for a few years, they will have zero idea.

I also don't think older children are confused when you say "this is Uncle Steve's friend, Amy", if it's a "stranger" to them.

gardengirl3 · August 2016

Thank you everyone for the different perspectives. I appreciate it. To the PP who mentioned age, we already have a 4 yr old DD, so it is more of an issue than it would be with a newborn I agree

princesslockness · August 2016

SarahF8611 said:

This won't even begin to be an issue for two years, babies have absolutely zero concept of sexuality/boyfriends/girlfriends/etc..So I would focus less on what this means for your baby now and more about how you can support your sister now. A lot can change in two years when your child is more "self-aware" and for all you know, she will fall in love with someone is NOT poly and be in a monogamous relationship. If at the time that is an "issue" your sister is in a committed poly relationship, then you could have a conversation about how you will handle with with your children.

I also have to add, I see nothing wrong with having "strangers" around your kids..I'm confused by everyone's issue with this. I take my kid to birthday parties all the time with "strangers" there and a few of our single friends bring people they are dating to day-time cookouts or parties our kid is it. I really don't see how your sister bringing someone she is dating to a party is "harming" your child, even if she is bringing two people. Again for now, and for a few years, they will have zero idea.

I also don't think older children are confused when you say "this is Uncle Steve's friend, Amy", if it's a "stranger" to them.

I don't think it is so much about stranger being around my child, as it is stranger being around my child when I am not there. I wouldn't leave my child with a new daycare or sitter without first getting and calling references, and seeing them interact with each other in a controlled environment. It is more difficult to change habits and behaviors once they have 2-4 years to become established. So even though E wouldn't notice anything until around 2019, I would rather have my expectations in place before then, instead of trying to have the conversation of 'well she notices things now, and I don't want xyz happening around her yet.' That isn't fair to anyone. By establishing expectations now/birth, then there is several years to make sure the arrangements work and are fair for everyone involved.

swhiddon33 · August 2016

maamawaabangi said:

We are very traditional folks when it comes to things like this, but we are also very loving and accepting. We think love covers most everything and above all want to raise our kids to be agents of compassion and to serve and love others, even when we don't agree. I'd say, "filter through love" and let the stuff you don't agree with be a secondary issue that you discuss as issues arise... personally haven't seen our extended family who fall in closer to what your discribing "effect" our kids as much as I feared it might.
It might just be our kids (who don't watch tv, or are on devises much at all and who are homeschooled) but they are very niave and have genuine innocence about such things... It's really surprised me how much we have to intentionally explain to them. It's far more than I anticipated. At the same time I can see that they are able to just love and accept others in compassion, which is our main goal.
Personally, I'd just share your heart with your sister and ask that she be tactful in her actions and understanding of the confusing nature of her life to a little person. Or just bring it up if it becomes something that you think is confusing your child as they grow up.

That's my new favorite line and is great advice for anyone in any situation.

I also agree with most of what PPers are saying and wish you luck as you find the best balance for everyone in your life, @gardengirl3

Want a personalized experience?

Polyamorous family member

Re: Polyamorous family member

Choose Another Board

Search Boards