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September 2015 Moms
kkerner87
member
Just have to get this off my chest. MIL Rant.
kkerner87
member
I will try to make this brief. I mainly just want someone else who is not friend or family to listen.
Okay so DH and I have been togethere gor about 11 years, married for 2. MIL and I used to get along great. She was like a 2nd mom. We lived with her for a little while a few years ago and then we eventually moved out. That is when the distance started. It was right around the time DH's brother started dating his now wife. This was like 4 years ago. Anyway, they became super close. And that's great, but they totally started to exclude me. Not to mention, MIL shows crazy amount of favoritism to them. Which i honestly wouldn't care, but now kids are involved. She watches all of her grandchildren while we work and we are SO thankful for that (they have 2, we have 1). But she made it clear she will not watch all 3 at once. And again, I totally understand. Except she does watch all 3 for them. Like all the time. Even if they need to get chores done around the house, she watches them. They need to run errands and get oil changes/hair cuts, she watches them! Nights out for the happy couple? No problem. Grandma has it covered all for them. We get nothing like this. It is always a fight if we need to do anything outside of working, so we never do. Not only do they not have to ask, she offers.
Well skip[ ahead to last weekend. I talked her into watching all 3 because it was mine and hubbies best friends bachelor/bachelorette party (i'm moh and a he is a groomsman). She reluctantly agreed to do it and it turned into a disaster. SIL got a text from her saying HER kids are asleep and they can stay out later. We didn't get anything like that. Well BIL got super wasted and so they just left. MIL Blew up DH's phone saying we need to get home now blah, blah. Her and DH got in a huge fight. When I called, she jsut hung up on me like a child would. I was infuriated.
So yesterday I texted her and said we should talk things out. She said she doesn't even see the point. All of this is very heartbreaking because to me, that tells me you couldn't care less about your grandchild. So she just wrote us off. and it's a mess. I can't even with this woman anymore. Tired of being fake all the damn time.
So thats it. My vent is over. Hopefully no family reads this because i don't like to post our private issues with other family members (they're all very dramatic and gossip-y).
ETA: When SIL and BIL left the bar that night, they said they would be fine watching our child as she was already asleep and MIL could just go home and relieved of any baby sitting duties (she watches the kids at BIL and SIL house because it's easier since they have 2 kids or some crap...) well MIL refused to go home. Said she told us she was going to watch our child and it's not fair to pass her off to BIL and SIL because they're tired...because they have 2 kids and all...
Okay so DH and I have been togethere gor about 11 years, married for 2. MIL and I used to get along great. She was like a 2nd mom. We lived with her for a little while a few years ago and then we eventually moved out. That is when the distance started. It was right around the time DH's brother started dating his now wife. This was like 4 years ago. Anyway, they became super close. And that's great, but they totally started to exclude me. Not to mention, MIL shows crazy amount of favoritism to them. Which i honestly wouldn't care, but now kids are involved. She watches all of her grandchildren while we work and we are SO thankful for that (they have 2, we have 1). But she made it clear she will not watch all 3 at once. And again, I totally understand. Except she does watch all 3 for them. Like all the time. Even if they need to get chores done around the house, she watches them. They need to run errands and get oil changes/hair cuts, she watches them! Nights out for the happy couple? No problem. Grandma has it covered all for them. We get nothing like this. It is always a fight if we need to do anything outside of working, so we never do. Not only do they not have to ask, she offers.
Well skip[ ahead to last weekend. I talked her into watching all 3 because it was mine and hubbies best friends bachelor/bachelorette party (i'm moh and a he is a groomsman). She reluctantly agreed to do it and it turned into a disaster. SIL got a text from her saying HER kids are asleep and they can stay out later. We didn't get anything like that. Well BIL got super wasted and so they just left. MIL Blew up DH's phone saying we need to get home now blah, blah. Her and DH got in a huge fight. When I called, she jsut hung up on me like a child would. I was infuriated.
So yesterday I texted her and said we should talk things out. She said she doesn't even see the point. All of this is very heartbreaking because to me, that tells me you couldn't care less about your grandchild. So she just wrote us off. and it's a mess. I can't even with this woman anymore. Tired of being fake all the damn time.
So thats it. My vent is over. Hopefully no family reads this because i don't like to post our private issues with other family members (they're all very dramatic and gossip-y).
ETA: When SIL and BIL left the bar that night, they said they would be fine watching our child as she was already asleep and MIL could just go home and relieved of any baby sitting duties (she watches the kids at BIL and SIL house because it's easier since they have 2 kids or some crap...) well MIL refused to go home. Said she told us she was going to watch our child and it's not fair to pass her off to BIL and SIL because they're tired...because they have 2 kids and all...
Re: Just have to get this off my chest. MIL Rant.
However, here's what I have to remind myself of all the time:
Just because someone is family, they have no obligation to you. (That goes both ways). If MIL wants to prioritize the other kids/grandkids, that's her perogative. It doesn't mean it's not shitty and that it doesn't hurt, but she's in control of her and her time. There's nothing you can really say past, "here's what we've observed and it hurts us bc X". I could reason doing that as long as you're not expecting anything from her in return (ex., changed behavior). If you choose to tell her those things IN ORDER TO try and get her to change, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and more hurt....I feel that applies to anything in life.
Her actions have made it clear there's more priority -for whatever reason- for the other brother. What else can you do? If it were me, I would choose to spend less time with these stress-inducing in-laws altogether and hire myself an awesome babysitter.
One Christmas when I was younger, my aunt gave my two sisters and two cousins each a Skip-it. I got a scarf and gloves because I was "too young." The two cousins who got Skip-its were younger than I was, but they were her favorites. I am 27 freaking years old and I get pissed off to this day when I think about it haha. It made me feel so badly about myself. That type of behavior only continued throughout my life, but that was the first instance where it was obvious to me and it hurt me, and I'll never forget it.
So it might be beneficial for your child if you pull back a bit and not spend so much time with all of them together before she begins to notice.
Same kind of situation - MIL and I used to have a good relationship, like a 2nd mother. I totally thought she'd be the overbearing MIL trying to see and spoil her grandson all the time, since she was actually allowed to see this one whenever she wanted to. Well, pretty much the opposite has happened. She barely calls or comes over to see him and when she does, it's usually with one or both of her sisters and she's the one trying to leave because she's hungry and they have plans to go out to eat.
This past weekend we all went up to the cabin (SIL hadn't been there in probably 20 years, so the kids obviously had never been there before - they are 9 and 5). DH was pretty sure the only reason his mom wanted us to come up was because she won't drive on the highway and wanted us to drive her up there. She was acting like a crazy person, which my DH even told her, trying to make sure everything was "perfect" before SIL and family got there. Everything she brought with was specifically for the other 2 grandkids, which she made clear. "I got (insert item here) for (grandkid 1 or 2)." She barely even held LO and didn't seem interested in anything he was doing - she was much too busy watching or playing with the other 2.
I kind of have mixed feelings about the whole situation - it makes me feel bad that she seems like she couldn't care less about LO, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with her all the time either. She seems to be getting to be more and more of a PITA for the last couple years, lol. Fortunately, LO has plenty of other people in his life that love him and love giving him attention (including my parents, for whom LO is their 1st grandkid).
Like PP said, you can't control her actions and it sounds like it would be less stressful if you were to spend less time with her. It's her loss! Maybe she'll realize it one day...
It it sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight. If this is the type of woman she is, why have her around LO much to influence her at all?
I'm not judging you at all (I just learned a lot of this very recently dealing with my own MIL)...it sounds like you give her a lot of power by wanting her around and wanting her to be something she is not.
OMG....You evil person you! I bet you planned LO's date of birth just to make it inconvenient for them too! LOL
Some people are just so stupid!! I mean, really, who would expect you to throw a birthday party for your son on the date of (or close to) his birthday?!? SMH!!
Like the rest of our in-laws who act like this, we see what their priorities are and it's their loss!! Try your best not to get sucked into their ridiculousness and enjoy planning his party
My MIL & DHs grandma would watch my nephew for free whenever my BIL & his wife would ask. They watched him from 5am-5pm during the week while they worked. Once he started school they would take him & pick him up from school. My BIL & his wife woould go out EVERY friday & saturday night & they would watch my nephew & for free. They would also offer to watch him...& me? They would charge me to watch DD who is 11 months younger. They didnt take her to school, if we went out my mom watched her or we took her on dates with us. They have helped them with 3 birthday parties of his & for DD offered to makes beans which had gone bad before she even got them to DDs 1st bday. If we did ask for them to watch her which was once a year they would be texting me all night.
Now they tell my BIL & his wife how ungreatful they are. They throw in their face every time they have watched him & everything they bought for him. Money they let them HAVE to go to Mexico they throw in their face. & me? They can't. They have nothing against me. I dont owe them a dime. They havent done anything for my daughter willingly & without pay.
I was as pissed off as you are. Oh yeah my MIL didnt love my daughter for a good 3 years. I didnt let her be around her. She would call my daughter a brat if she hit my nephew which he would hit her 1st. Not saying its right, but she would laugh if he hit her & yell @ me & be mean to DD if she hit him back. My point is that down the road she cant hold anything against you. & meanwhile shes throwing things in your SILs face. You can sit back & relax
At least your situation has turned out for the better in the long run. It is still so weird to me that grandparents can treat their grandchildren SO differently. I've witnessed it among other family members too - they have 3 children and one of their grandmas favors the oldest and youngest (1 boy and 1 girl, so it's not because of gender) over the middle child and he's the sweetest little boy! It's just so sad.
My ILs watch our children often so H and I can run errands alone, go to appointments, or have a night out occasionally BUT we are also the ones who are constantly there when they need help, that spend the most time with them, who include them in family events and kids call them almost daily or video chat before bed, so we're all very close. DHs other brothers talk to his parents 1-2 times a week or when they need something depending on which one were talking about (DH has 3 brothers).
@ZebraStripe sometimes thats not even the caae. My BIL would only go over when he needed them to watch my nephew. If they would ask him for a ride or a favor they wouldnt do it. DH & i did evertyhing for them & we still got what we got. A kick in the ass. Some MILs are just straight up ass holes.
We can afford daycare (although it hurts!) so we found a place for him. Fast forward to two months AFTER I went back to work (things were arranged and we were on a schedule) she offered to watch him two days a week and got upset when we said no thanks. She said she forgot what she said. ?? Although FIL remembered her saying it. Anyway, there were some issues between us, and I am happy that we never have to rely on her. We don't owe her anything and can take space when needed. Worked out for the best.
I get that you need the free childcare and we would have taken MIL up on it if she offered before our issues becuse it is so expensive. I agree with others, you will not change her! Take your free childcare until you can't take it anymore!