anyone else struggling to connect?

Gobruins0430 · August 2016

let me start out by saying that this baby is 100% wanted. I was absolutely thrilled when I found out we were expecting a sibling for my son.

however, since about 6 weeks along, I have felt so detached from this pregnancy. I'm so sick and nauseous and so extremely fatigued that I have a hard time focusing on anything else.

I try to get myself excited by thinking about holding a baby in my arms and smelling that newborn smell, etc, but it's so far off that I cannot fathom feeling anything but sick and tired. I keep telling myself that this feeling won't last forever and that once I'm feeling better the excitement will come, but my little pep talks aren't helping.

please tell me that there are others out there that feel this way. I hope I don't sound ungrateful for this pregnancy, but I am desperate to feel normal again.

onefootinthebayou · August 2016

I feel 100% disconnected. I would also describe myself as not very "in tune" with my body though, so take what I say w/a grain of salt.

I'm taking care of myself, and doing the things I'm supposed to in order to give this the best chance at a healthy pregnancy, but I feel nothing/no emotion for what is growing inside me. I don't even like to think about it at all. I know that sounds pretty cold but I just don't feel those things that other women describe during pregnancy and I can't seem to force it, so I don't. As long as I do my best to stay healthy and give this whole process the best chance at going well, I'm not going to beat myself up over not feeling emotional about it. One thing I've learned so far is that this process is different for everyone and although I am learning a lot from this community, especially the STMs, I'm not going to try to measure myself against anyone else b/c everyone's feelings about this situation are different. My feelings just happen to be flat and that's Ok with me. I'm sure it will be different once the baby is on the outside, should we be lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy but yeah, right now, everyone (we've told both sets of parents and each of our siblings) seems more excited about it than I am. I loved my life the way it was, and I'm not the greatest at handling big changes well so that's probably why I'm not real emotional/excited about being pregnant. Not sure if my perspective is helpful at all since it sounds like you are having some unpleasant symptoms that are influencing the way you feel but you're certainly not alone. Not everyone feels like pregnancy is sunshine and love and rainbows and that's ok. (It's also ok to think it is, IMO!)

anonellis · August 2016

I'm totally miserable with morning sickness and headaches and fatigue. That is basically all I think about all day. my husband seems much more connected than I do and I think it's because I can't see past how sick I am. It really doesn't feel real that we are having twins in less than 7 months. It's all I can do just to get through my day and worry about myself.

It was a huge relief to hear their heartbeats and see that they are doing okay, but I wouldn't say it made me feel connected to them at all.

i will say that before getting pregnant, I really didn't want to know the sex until my baby was born. Now I want to find out ASAP just because I'm hoping it will make this all seem a little more real.

Burrberrymum · August 2016

I understand what you're feeling, minus the super sick part (I'm sure that's to come)

I'm thrilled to be lucky enough to get pregnant (accidentally). I did want a second little one in my near future, but this really snuck up on me and it's taking me a little bit to figure out my feelings about it all. I'm going to be over the moon, but right now I'm just not connecting.

I'm also only about 7 weeks if my estimates are correct, and I don't have a first apt until the end of the month so it's just not real yet to me.

It it will come. Positive vibes your way. It's normal not to connect right away, even when baby is born, don't feel bad about it, it's a lot to process when your brain is going a million miles per second.

Eta: SO was telling me tonight how amazing it is and how excited he is for LO#2, that it may be a boy! Etc, the smile on his face..... Made me bawl because I don't feel what he's feeling.

KellyT22 · August 2016

I didn't connect with my first pregnancy very much until I felt the baby move, and even then it wasn't that strong. But when I had that little baby it was fierce, intense love. Try not to stress too much. You'll be just fine.

Fwiw, I don't feel very connected this time either but I partially attribute it to being too busy to notice I'm pregnant. It won't become real until I feel the baby move.

kjd291 · August 2016

I called my baby a parasite all through the first trimester last time. It's hard to connect when there is fear of getting attatched because of the chance of loss... And they take over your body and just make you feel sick, not joyful. Don't worry! In a few months when you feel kicks and if you find out the gender and can call it a he or she, daughter or son--those things helped me take a step toward connecting. But it's really not till you take the little one home that you can feel that crazy kinda love everyone talks about!!

howdthathappen · August 2016

I wouldn't say I'm disconnected, but I'm also not all puppies and rainbows and ALL THINGS BABY ALL THE TIME! I think some people just relate differently and have different emotions and excitement.
Don't let yourself feel bad for your genuine emotions. We all have our own path.

MixedBerries88 · August 2016

I feel a bit disconnected too. I think it's probably bc I'm a FTM. I'm so sick and my brain hasn't quite gotten to the part where there's a baby at the end. I'm with you so far, mama. No worries.

sammajane19 · August 2016

totally normal. it's still so early, too. i think there's this pressure that a mother must instantly be over the moon and in love with the clump of cells in her womb THE MINUTE she finds out she's pregnant and well, that's just not how it works (in most cases, anyway). feelings are complicated. unbinding love takes time to develop. don't feel guilty!

AverageAsh · August 2016

I think at this point, pregnancy is really abstract. How can you get attached to something that makes you feel hungover 24/7?

Like any other relationship, let your feelings evolve. The more you experience with this baby, ultrasounds, movement, doing life together for 9 intense months, the more your feelings will grow naturally. Right now you are in the awkward getting to know you phase:)

kiyamurph · August 2016

Like everyone else said, normal. I was this exact same way with my 2 yo son and I'm not attached to this little bean yet either. There are a million things that could go wrong and I don't want to become attached in case I have a miscarriage or something else horrible happens. I know that sounds morbid, but it's the truth. And if I'm being completely honest, it took me a couple of months to have that intense love feeling for my son that lots of moms have after their baby's born. My son had to unexpectedly go to the NICU after aspirating on vernix (they thought he had pneumonia when they started suctioning) and since he was whisked away, I didn't have that bonding moment that most moms get. Everything happened so fast and it was so crazy that I felt completely disconnected. Obviously all of those lovey feelings came later, but the point is that there's this expectation that we're supposed to feel a certain way and for some of us, it's just not the case. A few people that know that I'm pregnant have asked if I'm excited and I answer honestly and say no. I'm happy to be pregnant and expand our family, but it's too early for me to be excited. Once I have the anatomy scan at 20 weeks and see that everything is kosher, then I can ramp up the excitement.

Lexxilou1986 · August 2016

This is so me! I felt so connected and excited when I found out I was pregnant with my son. This time around, I just feel disconnected,worried, etc. I felt awful (n&v from 5-14weeks, placenta previa that resolved at 24weeks, lots of Braxton Hicks, high bp 3rd trimester) most of my last pregnancy, was induced at 34 weeks for pre-eclampsia and my baby spent time in the NICU. He is the light if my life and we were able to get pregnant quickly when we started trying again. I just can't be excited when I know all that could go wrong! I'm also super nervous about 2 kids and juggling all that comes along with that.

kiki75 · August 2016

This is a very wanted baby for us, too, but I'm not feeling particularly connected at this point but I'm not really worried about it.

At this moment, since I haven't heard a heartbeat or seen an ultrasound, it's like it's just an elaborate game of pretend that involves my boobs hurting and depriving myself of delicious adult beverages. But, as time goes on and we get some ultrasounds and feel some movement and then start noticing movement with discernible personality behind it, that's when it will get more real.

I wouldn't worry at all about not feeling connected to this baby right now. As long as you're able to keep doing the things you should be doing for a healthy pregnancy, don't stress about it.

mtmama2 · August 2016

I'm glad that so many others feel this way as well! When I first found out I was pregnant I was really excited about it... For about a week. Now the excitement has worn off and it just barely feels real. I haven't had an ultrasound or seen a heartbeat so I'm just worried, un-caffienated, and sober. The only real symptom I have is sore, heavy boobs (*knock on wood*) and I keep POAS to make sure that I really, truly am pregnant. I'm really hoping that my feelings change when I go to my first appointment in 2 weeks!!

sunshine507 · August 2016

+1 for not feeling a deep emotional bond yet... it's just too soon I think. I get excited thinking about holding the baby, preparing the nursery, etc, but I'm sick all day every day for weeks and TBH that's pretty much my bandwidth right now, just trying to function.

wintersong · August 2016

Hey, your feelings are 100% legitimate. You don't feel magical while you want to puke. Girl, you've got 7 months (and more) to slowly grow connected.

I didn't feel that immediate bond with my son when he was born. I loved him and was terrified for him, of course, but I was surprised. I was like, "This is the bond everyone is talking about? Because it feels more like anxiety." Turns out being awake for 48+ hours and 24 hours of labor isn't exactly conducive to the feels, lol. Sure enough, after sleep and quiet time, it gradually built. I guess the moral of the story is, when your body is in survival mode emotions just take the back seat. Thats okay! Take care of yourself, continue to dream if you want, and give yourself permission to feel your feelongs, even if they are not what you think they "should" be.

This post reminds me if one of thr ladies from What to Expect When You're Expecting (the movie). She tried so hard to get pregnanr, and when she finally does she is so miserable. She thinks she should be experiencing something magical, but instead it just sucks all the time. She didn't glow. She didn't feel cute in her mayernity clothes, just fat. She was overshadowed by her fil's pregnant wife all the time. She was miserable and felt guilty about it. But then, after he son was born and she was gazing at him, she said, "I found it. My glow!"

briunit · August 2016

Kiki75 said:

At this moment, since I haven't heard a heartbeat or seen an ultrasound, it's like it's just an elaborate game of pretend that involves my boobs hurting and depriving myself of delicious adult beverages.

So true! I never expected to bond right away, its the feeling of disconnection that gets to me. It's like 'why am I doing all this' and all the stuff I'm doing and still to do (maternity leave, baby set-up ...) seems pointless.

ihateusernames* · August 2016

Yup! I'm detached. I don't feel guilty though. I was more attached with my first two, and now I'm just really distracted and the only feelings I get about this maybe are nauseas feelings.

I also detached myself emotionally everytime I swiped red because that was a protection method I guess.

Anyway, like the other girls said, time and ultrasounds REALLY help

MyNamesTaken · August 2016

I find it hard because this is #2. I'm happy and excited but I have a 2yo who is right in my face all the time and is a real kid. Haha. I think once I start to show I'll feel more connected. Once I could feel movement with DS I really felt connected with him l so I'm sure that will happen this time too. Now I'm just exhausted.

Gobruins0430 · August 2016

Thanks so much everyone. It really helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way!

vprod · August 2016

I also feel super disconnected. I'm really unhappy, being so sick every day. I run a creative (design) business with my husband and when one of us isn't feeling 100%, we can't really function as a unit and get the work done (read: make the $$$ we're going to need for this kid!). I'm just so disheartened by the fact that over the past 3-4 weeks I've just been a lazy POS, feeling sorry for myself and feeling like crap—but we made this decision together and I just don't feel like I'm "in the game" as much as I expected to be.

I know I should feel lucky because so many women have a difficult time conceiving but why does this have to be such a terrible process? /whiney rant

CanadianintheSouth · August 2016

I feel the same way, I told my family this week and they were like "how could you manage to keep it a surprise?!", I was thinking to myself, actually it was really easy. I just don't feel a connection to this future kid yet and too busy running after my toddler to really even think about it.

I agree with @longliveregina I didn't even feel the instant love right when she was born. It took a few hours of skin to skin for me to realize this was actually my kid, and when I finally did realize it, that's when my entire life changed and I knew I would do anything for that precious baby.

shae86 · August 2016

Are we really supposed to feel "connected" this early in the game? I'm hopeful and a bit excited for what's to come, but I can't say I'm in love with this little blueberry just yet. I don't know this person. I haven't seen him or her on an ultrasound yet, and I won't even be able to feel movement for several more months.

Right now, this baby is just a concept to me. I'm looking forward to experiencing the next stages of pregnancy and hopefully taking home a little baby at the end of all this, but until then, life is just a waiting game. I'm doing my best to provide a safe place for this tadpole, but am I talking to it and professing my love to it? Nope. Not yet, at least. And that's totally ok.

AverageAsh · August 2016

shae86 said:

Are we really supposed to feel "connected" this early in the game? I'm hopeful and a bit excited for what's to come, but I can't say I'm in love with this little blueberry just yet. I don't know this person. I haven't seen him or her on an ultrasound yet, and I won't even be able to feel movement for several more months.

Right now, this baby is just a concept to me. I'm looking forward to experiencing the next stages of pregnancy and hopefully taking home a little baby at the end of all this, but until then, life is just a waiting game. I'm doing my best to provide a safe place for this tadpole, but am I talking to it and professing my love to it? Nope. Not yet, at least. And that's totally ok.

No. And you might not feel connected immediately after birth. We sometimes have this glamorous idea of what pregnancy should feel like (ice cream, and glowing, and LOVE ALL THE TIME) but it is so unrealistic. You will grow to love, it's a gradual transition.

Skyjewell23 · August 2016

I totally get what you mean. I feel very disconnected with time and I am worried. My first pregnancy with my son was sunshine, rainbows, and all things were perfect. There was no morning sickness, I didn't work (school full time), and I could nap when I wanted too. I was attached as soon as that pee hit the stick. This time I am so freaking sick I am just chugging along hoping it ends in 4 more weeks so I can feel slightly human again. I didn't even feel that overwhelming feeling when I saw this baby on the ultrasound. I think once I really start to show and feel the baby move, I will feel more attached.

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