Not very maternal

themuffinman16 · August 2016

I am, actually watching my niece and nephew while my sister and her FI stay at a hotel. My niece is all about the cuddling and winds up in my sister's bed every night. I am spending the night and my niece is cuddling with me and I absolutely hate it. Not even H cuddles with me in bed. If anyone touches me, I can't sleep. I feel really bad. My sister thinks it's crazy, that I don't like to cuddle. I feel really non maternal, but I just hate children sleeping in bed with me or when anyone gets too close while I am sleeping. Cuddling on the couch, though, is okay, but night time, I need my space. Feeling kind of concerned that this didn't change once I got pregnant, and I'm wondering if anyone else is like this or has these fears. What helps ease these fears that you will be any good at being more maternal when the baby is born?

moosette113 · August 2016

I don't think not wanting to cuddle (at any time, not just when going to bed) makes you non-maternal at all. My mother, who is basically the best mommy in the whole world and there's nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise, was not a cuddler. I don't have any memories of crawling into her bed at night, or really even curling up on the couch with her all that often. But she was endlessly caring, supportive, loving, and all of the other good adjectives. She was also insanely comforting when I needed it, all without having to put up with me kicking her at night and hogging the bed. A good long hug while you cry and head strokes are the best when all you want is your mom.

I'm pretty much the same as you in that I don't like to be touched when I sleep, and maybe that's because my mom wasn't a cuddler, maybe it's not. But I'm not (at least I'm pretty sure I'm not) emotionally stunted because I didn't get unlimited cuddles as a child. There are so many different ways to show love and nurturing to a child that doesn't involve nighttime cuddles. I'm sure you're going to be a great mom with or without those cuddles!

BrennansMom2012 · August 2016

I wouldn't worry about it. Your children and someone else's children, even though you love your niece and nephew is like comparing apples to oranges. Your love for your child will be unconditional and comes from somewhere you didn't even know existed inside you. It's different than the love of material things, the love you have for your significant other, other family members, friends or a pet.

Having said that, I am very much like you and hate to share my bed--even with my hubby. In fact I woke up last night with him right beside me and I pushed him and his stinky breath away. I was also raised that kids are not allowed in their parents bed and we've stuck with that with our son. He comes in if he's sick and that's about it. I respect people's decision to co-sleep and have nothing wrong with it (unless your kid is school age and still sleeping with you, then you need to start setting boundaries--my friend's son was 12, I told her flat out that's inappropriate) it's just not for me. I assure you nothing is wrong with you and your maternal instincts will kick in when you have that love bug placed in your arms!

adorebella · August 2016

You can still have your preferences and be maternal! My son, whom I love fiercly, has never slept in my bed. Both of us like our space when sleeping and he very much prefers to sleep by himself, as do I. I've overnight babysat for a friend's daughter who sleeps in her parent's bed and having to sleep in the same bed with her for even a night was torture.

ThePax89 · August 2016

I hate cuddling. And hate being touched when I sleep. My toddler sleeps with me occasionally and drags her nails on me and it feels like my flesh is on fire. That being said, I'm a stay at home mom, I breastfed her for 20 months, etc. Feeling "touched out" is a normal part of motherhood. I don't equate not wanting to be touched with not being maternal at all.

themuffinman16 · August 2016

Thank you, ladies. Everyone I have ever known, including my twin sister, has always thought it was weird that I hate cuddling. And now that I'm becoming a mother, I feel even more judgement on me. It's just nice to know I'm not the only one, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I am having children so late in life and I feel there are so many eyes on me to do everything as everyone else before me has done. (If that makes any sense).

canavara · August 2016

As a fellow non-maternal lady, I say: hang in there. The same worries kept me from TTC for many years. I'm super awkward around other people's kids... I never know what the appropriate way to talk to them is and always worry I'm talking down too much or not speaking to their level... and any kind of physical contact with other people's kids is nerve-racking for me. I almost feel like my cousin's kids think I'm scary or something because her older one (who's 8?) always seems nervous around me.

I just take solace knowing that LO is a fresh new human being who has no awareness of other human beings and has no expectations coming out of the womb. Whatever happens between him and me? That's natural... maybe I won't show my maternal comfort the same way some other mom might, it doesn't matter... whatever I do will be what he grows up with and becomes comforted by.

My mom and I are like night and day personality-wise but I still know, recognize, and appreciate the things she does that are "maternal" even if they aren't the things I see other moms do--just because it's what I've always known.

ElleMF728 · August 2016

PPs are so right. This doesn't mean that you aren't maternal. I cannot sleep with DS in my bed and my husband and I are super strict that 8 pm means bedtime in our house, that means in their own beds in their own rooms. I'm super affectionate during the day, my toddler loves giving hugs and kisses but like @thepax89 said I'm touched out by bedtime. It's totally natural and healthy to want some time to yourself at the end of the day. In fact, I need that time to continue being a good mom during the day.

AlabamaRedhead · August 2016

I love cuddling and hugs and kisses from my son but not from anyone else. I mean, DH but that's not the constant cuddle type of touch. But bed time, is bed time. Get in your bed little monkey and let me have my space.

Also, everyone has different love languages as well--some people love physical touch, others not so much. No biggie, it's how we're all wired to be different.

JessLeonard23 · August 2016

@canavara I am right there with you! I....really don't care for other peoples' kids. Exceptions being my nephews. But I always feel super awkward around kids, especially if their parents are like...watching our interaction. I've never been into baby talk or treating kids like they're...different from adults, really. I always just talk to toddlers/kids like I would talk to a grown-up (different subject matters, obviously). I've worried, like OP, that maybe I wasn't very maternal because of that.

But every family is different! I remember being so weirded out when I met my old boyfriend's family, because they were Italian Catholics and did the kisses on the cheek thing with lots of hugging, whereas in my family, an awkward side-wise hug and MAYBE a forehead kiss was the absolute MAXIMUM amount of familial contact, haha.

If you don't want to be all cuddly, especially at night, no one is going to think twice about what that means for your maternal instincts, let alone the amount of love you have for your kids and family.

Sorry if this is rambly. I really need some caffeine, but I'm trying to limit my intake and I met my quota over the weekend. *grrrrrr*

ChaoticWolf · August 2016

Honestly I'm kind of the same way. I'm not a cuddler with anyone except DH and my dogs. And even then I think my tolerance for DH has gone down ever since I got pregnant because I'm uncomfortable. We'll all find our own ways through motherhood so try not to worry about what other people think.

@canavara I'm totally that way around other people's toddlers and kids. Babies are fine, they have about 5 different settings (eat, sleep, need diaper changed, gassy, and fussy) and when you put them somewhere, they stay (for the most part). But when they get to toddler stage it's like I don't know how to hold them or act around them.

TinaBelcher · August 2016

Ditto @canavara - I'm not super in to other people's kids. I feel so awkward and clueless! But I chalk it up to needing to learn with my own kids, I'm sure I'll feel more comfortable once I'm experiencing it for real.... Right? Probably.

loveinak · August 2016

I'm with PP's- I'm the person who says "nothankyou" when people ask if I want to hold their babies.
My DH got an earful the other day after saying, "you know you'll actually have to touch and cuddle this baby, right?" Um, no shit. I grew up in a fairly non-affectionate family and want to be better but I feel like a child is going to know if it's forced and I just have faith that whatever happens is natural.

Wholesome · August 2016

Haha. I'm totally onboard the "not other people's kids" train. With my own kid, I've been more motherly than I knew I could.

im a "no thank you" person when people want me to hold their babies too. There is a family in this church I go to that passes their infants around during church. I get grossed out. So many people with so many germs! ...I know the last baby has been hospitalized from sickness at least twice. When will they learn! I only let family and close friends touch or hold my baby and they know I expect them to wash their hands first.

Wholesome · August 2016

And your kids will probably develop your same comfort level. My son, now 2.5, now says, "don't touch," and ,"stop it," when people start invading his bubble. He has a pretty strong sense of stranger danger too. I love it. Hehehe.

KRB22 · August 2016

I agree with what PPs have said about people having different ways of expressing love and affection. My husband really needs physical affection, and I'm just not acustomed to showing love that way. I think I'm more inclined to do and say things to express my feelings.

My parents weren't particularly physically affectionate with me growing up but I definitely always felt loved.

I actually love holding any and all babies, but once they start hitting toddler age and get all squirmy I'm over it.

MandiB07 · August 2016

I hate cuddling too! My husband even knows not to touch me when I'm trying to sleep. Only if my daughter is sick, her and I will both sleep on the couches in the living room. That way I can be there for her when she needs me and we have our own sleeping space. You can still be a good mom and not be into cuddling.

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