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October 2015 Moms
midge519
member
Step kids frustration...any advice welcome
midge519
member
This is probably going to end up long and probably jump around so I apologize in advance, and if any of you ladies get through this whole this I applaud you. I also know there is a blended families board but I have talked to you ladies for a long time now and trust your advice.
SO and his ex divorced well before we got together. When it went down the boys stayed with her parents as they both were trying to get their stuff worked out. It really was the best thing for the kids as he didn't have anywhere to put them where he was staying and honestly I don't know what she was really doing (as polite as I can be about the situation with her). He worked hard to get a promotion, apartment, and everything set up and had the kids back in his care within 8 months. We got together and for almost three years we have raised his two and my two together and then the baby since he was born. We never asked her for any financial help or really any help. She only started getting the boys on a regular basis once I came in the picture (we were all friends in high school so I wasn't new to her in anyway). Their original agreement was that she would get them as primary once she was on her feet. She was on her own and we agreed for her to get them back and she jumped the gun telling the kids before we wanted to but we ran with it once they knew. Then she moved back with her parents. Still we were ok with them going knowing the situation wasn't as good as our home, but ultimately this is what they want. They've been with her since mid June and we get them every other weekend.
Here lies my frustration. Once they knew they were going to move with her everything changed. Their respect for us as diminished almost completely. The week after they found out SS2 completely disregarded anything I said to him. It finally leveled out at a better but not what it as respect, and then they moved to her house. We have all necessities for them for when they are here and other than the amount of time they are here nothing has changed, but they have completely. We are aware that for the most part they can do what they want, when they want, eat what they want, etc when there. We have rules. We expected there to be a "backlash" of sorts dealing with the new rules vs our rules and we prepared to stand together on our house rules. As for the things they know not to do some are followed some aren't...they now scream at each other, video games, toys, anything if they aren't getting their way. Its not like an ugh I lost kind of grunting, its full on "AHHH OH MY GOSH!!" kind of crap.
SS1 has made it obvious, even with talks and punishment, that he will yell at his siblings or tablets or whatever if he isn't getting his way. We've had him scream at DD for her talking and it annoyed him, scream at his tablet because he hit the button and closed his game and he lost (this woke the baby from his nap I just fought him to go down for), scream at DS1 for not playing with him, and scream at the SS2 because he didn't want to share his tablet after SS1 used all the battery from his or didn't bring it to us to charge. We do time outs, loss of electronics, and loss of watching others play electronics always with asking/explaining what he did wrong and what we expect. It doesn't seem to change what he does.
SS2 has always been emotional...but manipulative emotional. He learned this from his mom as she demonstrated to SO that if SS2 isn't doing something she likes she forces tears and tells him he is making her sad to get him to do as she wants. If he is in trouble he cries, almost always its "I miss mommy" when he does this. We've tried talking with him, cuddling him, calling her, you name it we've tried it. We are fully aware this is damage she has done and as long as she does it to him or doesn't correct it he will continue to do it. But we don't allow it to get him what he wants with us. It has just gotten worse on our weekends.
Now when we drop them off to go back they barely say goodbye. Like the last time they literally walked away from me without so much as a "bye." This doesn't just kill me inside its starting to affect DS1 and DD. SS1 has always not liked kisses but always gave hugs and said goodbye love you. SS2 is super affectionate and always gave hugs sometimes kisses and said goodbye multiple times. It is literally like we do not matter in any way anymore. They even make comments like "Only one day till we go back to Mommy's" or "I just know we're going to go back to Mommy's early today," even though they know we take them back at the same time every time.
I'm really just at a loss what to do. I know the lack of respect and them not wanting to be with us is wearing on SO too but we just don't know what to do. He is planning on a sit down with her in the next few weeks but in the meantime its hard to know what to do. In addition we have them for the next two weeks straight, because she is going away, and they've already commented about going back and that was within the first hour of them being here.
I love them so much and it just hurts feeling like the five of us here just don't matter to them any more. I know there is more I'm letting out but this is gist of whats going on. Any advice on what to do?
TL;DR
SS's have lost respect due to moving to moms. We don't know what to do any more.
SO and his ex divorced well before we got together. When it went down the boys stayed with her parents as they both were trying to get their stuff worked out. It really was the best thing for the kids as he didn't have anywhere to put them where he was staying and honestly I don't know what she was really doing (as polite as I can be about the situation with her). He worked hard to get a promotion, apartment, and everything set up and had the kids back in his care within 8 months. We got together and for almost three years we have raised his two and my two together and then the baby since he was born. We never asked her for any financial help or really any help. She only started getting the boys on a regular basis once I came in the picture (we were all friends in high school so I wasn't new to her in anyway). Their original agreement was that she would get them as primary once she was on her feet. She was on her own and we agreed for her to get them back and she jumped the gun telling the kids before we wanted to but we ran with it once they knew. Then she moved back with her parents. Still we were ok with them going knowing the situation wasn't as good as our home, but ultimately this is what they want. They've been with her since mid June and we get them every other weekend.
Here lies my frustration. Once they knew they were going to move with her everything changed. Their respect for us as diminished almost completely. The week after they found out SS2 completely disregarded anything I said to him. It finally leveled out at a better but not what it as respect, and then they moved to her house. We have all necessities for them for when they are here and other than the amount of time they are here nothing has changed, but they have completely. We are aware that for the most part they can do what they want, when they want, eat what they want, etc when there. We have rules. We expected there to be a "backlash" of sorts dealing with the new rules vs our rules and we prepared to stand together on our house rules. As for the things they know not to do some are followed some aren't...they now scream at each other, video games, toys, anything if they aren't getting their way. Its not like an ugh I lost kind of grunting, its full on "AHHH OH MY GOSH!!" kind of crap.
SS1 has made it obvious, even with talks and punishment, that he will yell at his siblings or tablets or whatever if he isn't getting his way. We've had him scream at DD for her talking and it annoyed him, scream at his tablet because he hit the button and closed his game and he lost (this woke the baby from his nap I just fought him to go down for), scream at DS1 for not playing with him, and scream at the SS2 because he didn't want to share his tablet after SS1 used all the battery from his or didn't bring it to us to charge. We do time outs, loss of electronics, and loss of watching others play electronics always with asking/explaining what he did wrong and what we expect. It doesn't seem to change what he does.
SS2 has always been emotional...but manipulative emotional. He learned this from his mom as she demonstrated to SO that if SS2 isn't doing something she likes she forces tears and tells him he is making her sad to get him to do as she wants. If he is in trouble he cries, almost always its "I miss mommy" when he does this. We've tried talking with him, cuddling him, calling her, you name it we've tried it. We are fully aware this is damage she has done and as long as she does it to him or doesn't correct it he will continue to do it. But we don't allow it to get him what he wants with us. It has just gotten worse on our weekends.
Now when we drop them off to go back they barely say goodbye. Like the last time they literally walked away from me without so much as a "bye." This doesn't just kill me inside its starting to affect DS1 and DD. SS1 has always not liked kisses but always gave hugs and said goodbye love you. SS2 is super affectionate and always gave hugs sometimes kisses and said goodbye multiple times. It is literally like we do not matter in any way anymore. They even make comments like "Only one day till we go back to Mommy's" or "I just know we're going to go back to Mommy's early today," even though they know we take them back at the same time every time.
I'm really just at a loss what to do. I know the lack of respect and them not wanting to be with us is wearing on SO too but we just don't know what to do. He is planning on a sit down with her in the next few weeks but in the meantime its hard to know what to do. In addition we have them for the next two weeks straight, because she is going away, and they've already commented about going back and that was within the first hour of them being here.
I love them so much and it just hurts feeling like the five of us here just don't matter to them any more. I know there is more I'm letting out but this is gist of whats going on. Any advice on what to do?
TL;DR
SS's have lost respect due to moving to moms. We don't know what to do any more.
Re: Step kids frustration...any advice welcome
Is it a loss of respect or are the kids hearing/repeating things they've heard at mom's house? Sounds like the kids are not thriving with this new setup. Maybe they need to be returned to your home full time, or explore a week on/week off solution, instead of every other weekend. Sounds tough, and I'll put some more suggestions below.
1. Family counseling (for the boys, for all the adults involved in parenting, and for you and your SO)
2. Family rules (that apply to both homes)
3. Formalized visitation
It sounds like the kids don't have rules at mom's place and she is inconsistent at best. You need to get a custody arrangement in place, because it protects both sides. Sit down with the boys and explain the changes you've seen and ask why their behavior has changed? Use this talk to explain clearly what will happen if it continues, and then stick with it. You must follow through.
Can you use a reward system? Sounds like electronics are their currency. So put it away, and make them earn the time using it as a reward?
It also sounds like they need some tools for handling anger (and not screaming). Perhaps that will help too. Good luck!
Lots of times kids are at their worst with the people who are the most stable in their lives.
Maybe they feel like they aren't as loved because they go to their mom's house now, which is not a very stable or happy environment.
When you drop them off, could BM be watching? My SS's behavior drastically changed when BM is around because she would be mad if he showed any affection to DH or me.
I disagree with SweetnSassy's #2 - family rules for both homes. Make rules for your home. You cannot change or dictate what happens at BM's house.
It sounds like they are going through a really big transition right now, with a huge change of where they live most of their lives. If you can't get everybody into counseling, at least try counseling for you and DH. It helped my DH and I survive a year of heck from our SS/BM. Show them you still love them. That doesn't mean no rules, but try not to be hurt by their actions right now.
@SweetnSassy23 I don't think its so much repeating things they're hearing more so the lack of rules vs having rules. Getting the rules to be the same in virtually impossible. For example, while they were in our care the majority if we had grounded them or something the day before they went with her for any amount of time she would say she would follow it, typically we'd do a no tv grounding or something, she would allow them to do it anyways because they wanted to. We do have a custody arrangement as we get them every other weekend, the same as when I have my two so we are a complete family as often as possible. Holidays are split pretty evenly she takes Thanksgiving Day and we have Christmas (it works with her work schedule the best). Things like these two weeks aren't common but we are always willing to have the boys extra time. I like the idea of rewarding with the electronics. I told them tonight, SO is at work, that we are putting away the electronics and playing with toys. They groaned so we talked about if they ever put away the electronics and just play with toys and they said no that they don't have to. I explained to them that I know the rules are different at Mommy's but here we need to spend time playing with each other and toys and outside. They weren't thrilled with this but did it and were giggling minutes later. This isn't a new rule for our house, I typically send them to the back yard to play or take all electronics periodically in the day. We've been trying to sit with them and talk when they lash out to try and get their anger or frustration out when it happens. I'm thinking of buying each of the four kids their our journal that they can use as a "Feelings Journal." I did this with DS1 when I went through my divorce and he was acting differently. Hopefully that will help them in some way.
@sgoodsel What you're saying makes total sense! I never thought of kids being worst with the most stable but it does seem to fit well with them. I don't know if I'd say they don't feel as loved there as much as they feel more restricted here. They have two uncles ages 14 and 12 (I think) there and they are 5 and almost 9. They spend a lot of their time with the incredibly disrespectful, rude, non parented uncles and I think their "way of life" is rubbing off. For example the youngest uncle would go running screaming pterodactyl style when he would get in trouble (SO lived with them for a short time in his old marriage). He'd run up the stairs doing it and when he'd reach the top he'd stop as if tormenting his dad. The dad would "chase" him until he ran to his room. The door would get slammed and he'd continue to scream. Dad would walk away and he'd come out and continue screaming until Dad came back to the stairs and he'd go back to the room. From my understanding this would happen almost daily about 5 years ago. And my SO's ex's account this still happens frequently. Fortunately (Maybe?) BM isn't there when we drop off the boys. She works then so we drop them with her parents.
Counseling is a really good idea and hopefully I can get SO and I in at least the two of us soon. I definitely think it will help us a lot. We're both trying to not let it hurt us but it is really hard. For the most part we keep it together until it is just the two of us and we talk together about how we feel about everything. We went through this a little bit when my ex moved back in town and the kids started seeing him regularly. They were super emotional for about a month before they figured it out.
We had a pretty emotional moment by SS1 yesterday. It was SS2's birthday and we did his presents and while we were eating cake SS1 asked when they were going back. We explained that they were going to be here for two weeks because Mommy has something to do but when she's back they'll go back to her house. He immediately asked why his grandparents couldn't watch them because he didn't want to stay. This really hurt both of our feelings but neither of us broke down. SO explained that he is their Dad and when Mommy can't watch them they're going to be with us because they should be with their parents if at all possible. I ended up having to leave the room with the baby while this talk was happening so I didn't hear it all. SS1 must have said something else that upset SO and he stayed very calm while explaining that he understands SS1 wants to go to his grandparents but him telling us he doesn't want to be here with this part of his family is a bit rude and hurts our feelings because we love them and want to spend time with them.
Thank you ladies again for reading and giving advice. I really really appreciate it!!
Sounds like you have a great plan. Perhaps next time SS1 says something like "I don't want to be here" it would be a great time to ask questions. Why do you want to be at grandma/grandpa? What do you think you would be doing right now if you were at grandma/grandpa's house? What is your favorite part about being there? What is your favorite part about being here?
It may help redirect attention to being at your home, and fun things the family does, while giving him something to look forward to during the two weeks.
If the schedule is getting adjusted a lot, you could make a calendar for the Skids so they can keep track and know what the most up to date plan is.
One reason why they may act the way they do when they're with you is because they want their mother to love them. And they could feel that if they're nice or interact with you well, they're disappointing mom or mom won't love them. My husband and I went through this a couple of years ago.
As long as you two have a united front (on the same page re: discipline, etc.) they'll learn. It'll take time but they'll learn. I hope it all works out for you. There should be a blended families board on the bump, for sure. Lol.