Intro

cooaladolly · July 2016

Hi ladies.

I've been here before, after my last chemical pregnancy in January. That time I made it to 6 weeks before I started bleeding and found out through beta testing (136 to 103) about my loss, which happened most likely around week 4.

Since then I have started seeing a specialist who after consulting, urged us to give it a few more tries without stimulant help. This past cycle was going to be my last before going IUI and yet we got lucky somehow. It was weird, it was the only month of the last 3 that I had no symptoms and no hope for a BFP. I even partied pretty hard during my TWW on an annual camping trip with friends thinking there was no chance, despite good BD timing. When it did come it was faint and though I allowed myself some hope and happiness, I knew the likelihood of it failing was high. First beta after my HPT was 23, progesterone 3.5. Today's HCG was 8.

Despite seeing an RE I'm still pretty conflicted. Now I know I can get pregnant (though it takes a while) but so far I can't keep them past the first month. These recent beta tests back up the feeling I have that they aren't the only ones, just the only confirmed ones, since my HCG always seems to start falling right after its first week or two's rise, so my testing timing has to be impeccable to even catch a positive. If I wasn't 38 and feeling like I'm running out of time, we probably would continue to try on our own, but I guess I'm hoping that the Clomid will perhaps help give me a better chance by improving my egg quality.

Any who, I have missed this group! I stalked here and there but never got up the gumption to write anymore. I'm sorry that some of you are still here and hugs to you for the journey you've been on since last talked. Hi to those I haven't spoken to before. Congrats to all those BFP's this month, it looked like a record number!

Still absorbing the news so I may not jump into a lot of threads to start, but I hope to stay better in touch this time. I do have one question to pose to you ladies before I go though. Does anyone find telling your significant other the news one of the hardest parts? Of course the pain of the loss and the shattering of hopes is the very worst thing to me, but telling my fiance that he picked an old lady with a broken uterus is a close second. I abhor failing at anything, and this keeps hitting home as such a personal failure that I'm not sure of how to console myself. He of course would never say to me that he thinks I'm a failure, but I have to admit a deep dark terror in my gut that he'll wish he could trade me in for a working model. Am I the only one who feels that way?

fivetimesnoluck · July 2016

I am so sorry to see you back here. But of course you're welcome. I am sorry for your losses. It sucks so badly to have to let go of hope time and time again. But, you are not alone... your feelings definitely resonate with mine. "...he picked an old lady with a broken uterus," and "I abhor failing at anything," and "...he'll wish he could trade me in for a working model" are all thoughts I have had on this obnoxious path.

DH and I weren't 110% positive about having children, but we pulled the goalie and decided to let fate guide us. Well, ever since the 1st pregnancy, we have known that it is absolutely something we want and yet we can't get to the finish line. Like you, DH is younger than me, and I have definitely thought about the fact that he could be doing this with someone who would have a better chance at success. I also feel a lot of guilt because our losses have changed us - he has been seeing a therapist and started taking Lexapro to help with anxiety that has gotten significantly worse as we have not yet had our happy ending, nor can I quit just yet. (I know it's not my fault, and he has certainly never implied such a thing, but emotionally it just hurts.)

Participate as much or as little as you like, either way, we'll be here. I think working with an RE who can potentially help improve egg quality is a great next step and if I were in your shoes, I would move in that direction too. Sending you big hugs; I hope you find some comfort here. xo

cooaladolly · July 2016

Thanks so much @fivetimesnoluck! I love your pulled the goalie metaphor! We weren't positive we wanted children to begin with either but once we stayed trying, we realized it's exactly what we want to feel complete together. And it's really nice knowing I'm not the only one who had those fears. I hope that your DH being proactive with therapy means that he is finding a way to channel that anxiety? I do worry that my fiance has been bottling his up and channeling to much of his energy into consoling me, and not letting me console him. I wish it wasn't so hard for couples to be on the same page with grieving. But I'm so glad that you are working things through, and I'm glad that you haven't given up! I don't think you should, that prize should be yours!

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