Need to vent.

nmd9168 · July 2016

I feel like I need to vent a little. I'm getting sick of being asked if I am pregnant yet by people who know that I just had a miscarriage in April. My sister is the one of the worst ones for this. (and she's had 2 MMC herself.) My sister has asked me every time we've been together, which is once a week because we take cake decorating classes together. I get the question from my MIL and my Grandma in law EVERY SINGLE TIME I'M THERE. I feel like bursting into tears. Everyone always seems like they're so impatient and keep making me feel like I'm inadequate for not getting pregnant, like I'm doing it just to make them wait for grandbabies or something. I just want to avoid everyone for the next 120938120983019231902 years. I just had my first AF since my MMC, and I've taken 3 pregnancy tests, all negative. I know my stupid body and I will probably have to go see my OB once again to get a negative blood test and start provera once again. And then there's those people who can BD once and they're pregnant and they tell you "I wish I had your problem". I feel like kicking them in the teeth. (Sorry to be so violent) I just want to be normal. I just want the damn baby I deserve.

I'm starting to feel like my husband is not happy with me either. He never smiles and is always short tempered and snippy with me. I can't remember the last time he gave me a real hug. I have a birthday party this weekend for my DH's 3 yr old God daughter. It's going to be babies and pregnant women galore and all sorts of questions about my status. Can't wait! I'm having a bad day, as you can tell.

Edit: Sorry, dorky dog dropped his toy on my keyboard and it saved before I was ready to finish typing.

HLD3194 · July 2016

It seems like when it rains it pours doesn't it? Perhaps you can ask those people to stop asking you. I did this with my mom and it has helped, even though she still slips up every now and then. It always seems like I get asked this question when I am feeling down or sad about losing our baby. It sucks, no other way of sugar coating it. Maybe skip a couple classes with your sister and if she asks why tell her you'd rather not see her than be asked if your pregnant yet. Hang in there better days are coming. :HUGS:

AandDM2014 · July 2016

I am very thankful that my family knows we're doing IVF, which means waiting a long time to hear any news about the status of my uterus. If I were you, I'd tell them how much it hurts your feelings that they keep asking you, and that when you have news to share, you'll tell them. I hope your day got a little better!

Oh, and maybe try to plan a fun date with DH? He might be feeling some pressure too, like he's not a "real man" if he can't get his woman knocked up (or some such neanderthal thing).

dpjennifer · July 2016

I definitely reached a boiling point around 6 months after my first MC. My mom and her "you just need to relax and it will happen" crap made me spaz out. I'd say be open and up front about how you are feeling and talk to them about it and tell them to stop asking. If they don't listen, then I am all for flying off the handle and 'throwing a fit' as my mom would say. I just get nasty and tell them how it is. It's not the nicest approach, but if you've tried the polite ways, sometimes it's all that will work. Also, I personally feel that if you are invading my feelings and my personal status about something I've already told you upsets me, then I have no qualms about telling you exactly how it is and how I feel. It's not good for you emotionally to hold it all inside and to be worried and stressed about events and seeing people who you care about and who are supposed to care about you and your feelings. (but maybe this is my jaded 2 MC 'f*ck it attitude coming out)

BrightenMySky · July 2016

OMG I got a variant on "I wish I had your problem" from someone whose wife got pregnant on the pill. Ugggghhh. Sorry.

On the constant questioning, definitely tell them it's hurtful and they need to stop or you will need to limit interactions. My grandma always used to ask/make comments. I have not told her about our struggles with IF and loss, but my parents know, and I think my dad may have said something to her, because she's stopped asking and it's glorious.

I like @AandDM2014's idea about planning something fun with your DH. As for the birthday party, what about having a standard line to shut those comments down ("If I wanted to tell you something, I would, have you had a slice of cake?"). And if you cannot skip it, hope you can leave early and at least do something nice for yourself afterwards.

nmd9168 · July 2016

thanks for all of the ideas/support ladies. It is much appreciated. I do need to just start saying what I'm thinking.

Taggarab · July 2016

I'm sorry people are so thoughtless. I had my ectopic in January and nothing since then so I'd hate to know what they'd say to me! I agree that your best bet is to be upfront about it and let them know how it makes you feel, or even just tell them point blank to stop asking without giving any explanation.

My aunt visited this past weekend and asked me how I was doing (my feelings) from my ectopic and I had a hard time saying anything. I feel like it's hard when anyone asks about it because it should be something we volunteer if we want to and don't if we don't want to. Hang in there!

fivetimesnoluck · July 2016

I am sorry you're going through this, @nmd9168. I can definitely relate. People are either too scared to bring it up, or they are too comfortable asking all the time. It's rare that you find someone who can offer a happy medium. I totally get wanting to kick the worst offenders in the teeth.

You definitely have to tell them how you feel. I try not to get angry when people don't know better, but if they still act the same after I have shared my thoughts on the matter, then I definitely get frustrated.

Since all of this started in 2013, I lost someone who I thought I was really close with and it's simply because she didn't know how to be friend to me through this mess. She was very stand-offish and would ask others how I was doing, but never asked me. She said (texted) "I hope you're doing well" a lot, but never actually asked. It started to wear on me... At the same time, I was isolating, not being very social and I swear she took it personally. I realized over time, that she was being pretty selfish and making this about her.... She was one of my bridesmaids. We hung out all the time. She lives in my neighborhood, but we are more like acquaintances now. We still have a lot of common friends, but we don't hang on our own. It's sad, but that's just the way it happened.

When it's family, it can be hard, but I encourage you to stick up for yourself now more than ever. And when it comes to DH, try to be as open with him as you can. He is likely hurting too and he may be having a hard time coming to terms with all of this. He may not want to discuss it, but it could go a long way for you to acknowledge his feelings, and let him know you hope that y'all will be there for each other through this. Good luck!

KarenBeth714 · July 2016

Hey - sorry you are having a sucky day. I was also asked today if I was (I've been avoiding coffee bc I'm doing a juice cleanse, not because I'm pg - so that's the reason for the suspicion) and yea, it just hurts and makes me think about far along I'd be now. Sorry about the insensitive comments, too. It's really rude - I would say something like in a text afterward if you felt comfortable - just sharing how it makes you feel. There's nothing wrong with that- if they are a true friend they will see your viewpoint and apologize ( hopefully)

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