Partner displeased with the baby's sex?

ThePax89 · July 2016

Is anyone else in a situation where your partner is "unhappy" with the sex of the baby?

How do I cope with this?

I've tried the "your sperm decided this outcome" and "I'll give you time to cool down" but now I'm just downright resentful. This is our rainbow baby after two consecutive losses, I'm baffled and heartbroken that our PERFECT girl isn't what he wanted.

LeahNicole · July 2016

@ThePax89 I'm not going through this but I'm so sorry that you are. I can't imagine the frustration you're probably feeling. Hoping for you and you're baby girl he comes around soon!

Teach123 · July 2016

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you explained it to him like you just did to us above? Maybe he would realize how he's acting. What a wonderful thing to have a healthy baby girl.

ThePax89 · July 2016

I have explained it. He claims he isn't mad anymore, but he isn't even pretending to be excited. He better change his tune soon.

cjs260 · July 2016

Ugh, I'm sorry. I get being a little disappointed, but it's not like you have any control over it. He needs to put on his big boy panties and suck it up. I'm sure that he will be happy in time. And until then, we're here to vent to!

BAJDesigns · July 2016

I am so sorry! That is the worst. Other than saying "you had to know there was a 50% chance this would be a girl. Wanting it does not make it so." I guess you just have to wait for him to come around. Although no one would blame you for letting loose some rage pregnancy hormones in his direction. Not that that would help but.... it's what I'd do.

adorebella · July 2016

Is there any possibility he's using the baby's sex (probably unconsciously) to distance himself from making a connection to this baby out of fear from past losses?

Either that or he's a douche canoe. (Joking)

mommy2ane · July 2016

Sometimes you just have to give them time to digest the information. Maybe even leave it alone for a bit. Our ultrasound tech is pretty sure we're having a girl and my husband couldn't really talk about things for a couple of days. He's unsure of what to do with a girl and the concept is foreign to him. Hopefully your husband will come around once he has time to fully digest the information and realize the important thing is a healthy baby.

JLJ2012 · July 2016

I would just give it time. I know it hurts but it seems he just needs some time to come to terms with it. We are having boy #3 and he is definitely our last baby. I think my husband always thought there would be a girl in the picture for us, and honestly I did too. It can take a little time to process. Hopefully he will get excited soon. I am sorry about your losses. We had a loss in between our boys, too. It has helped me to be grateful for what we do have, 3 healthy boys. Just keep reminding him of that.

sweetyjenj · July 2016

I'm sorry you're going through this period right now. I'm very excited for you to be having your rainbow baby!
I can tell you it's common for the father to not feel a connection right away, and often they have a harder time feeling a connection until the baby actually comes. They don't get as excited as we do (of course theres always those exceptions to the rule) because 1. They aren't producing the baby-making bonding hormone that we are, and 2. They aren't feeling the changes that are happening to their body, nor feeling the life that's being created. Hopefully he comes around soon, but even if it takes until he sees her little face, he will come around. Once he's holding the life he helped create, it'll be a different story. Then it'll actually be something that's happening to him, instead of happening to you.

CJSampson · July 2016

Wow! what an immature individual to be upset over the sex of a child. Hopefully he doesn't mistreat your little sweetheart, because she isn't what he wanted. I had this problem with my mother, she didn't want a second girl and she was cruel to me my whole life. Some people just aren't able to appreciate what they have, and that is really too sad, but I wish my father had taken me away from the abuse and hatred I had to deal with from a mother who wanted a boy.

rdh33 · July 2016

@ThePax89 While I am not currently in this situation (this is our first and we don't know the sex yet), I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. Friends and family of mine have had similar reactions from their spouse though. I agree with pp -- as hard as it may be now, he may just need time. I think it's fairly common for men to connect with the baby after birth, the second more than the first. However, all that to say, your resentment is completely understandable. You have this amazing, healthy rainbow baby to celebrate.

Hooray for your Rainbow Baby!!! I was the second girl after 6 miscarriages. (It's just the two of us.) My sister has always been my best friend. Sisters are awesome.

I hope that your husband starts to come around and can join you in your excitement. And yes. It was his sperm that decided this!

Edited bc the bump ate things.

Knottie1443924966 · July 2016

Aw @ThePax89 I'm so sorry that you two are going through this. Sometimes people don't realize that what they say and how they act is affecting the other person. I hope his demeanor will pass quickly and that he acknowledges how this has made you feel and apologize. There is a great book by Chris Tipping called Radical Forgiveness if you like reading. I usually turn to books when my husband and I disagree on something

colleenkevin · July 2016

Im so sorry you're dealing with this. He needs to get with the program! Being disappointed is fine - it's a feeling and people should expect allowed to have their feelings. BUT you guys are in this parenting thing together and he needs to find a way to process his disappointment without bringing you down too. You guys went through a lot for this pregnancy and you deserve to be able to enjoy your happy feelings without his disappointment getting in the way.

Renee1105 · July 2016

I'd cut him some slack, for now. Give him some space and revisit the topic in a bit. Remind him of all the fun things he loves about being a dad to his current daughter.
It might take time but once the baby arrives I'm sure he'll change his tune.

I'm not in a similar situation bc even if my husband was upset he wouldn't tell me. But with my first I had a period of disappointment that I had to get over on my own. Naming the baby in utero definitely helped me connect. Now I'm so in love with having a daughter and wouldn't trade her for the world, on most days, lol.

Good luck!

scgirl6113 · July 2016

Regardless of it is Right or wrong, he is probably "mourning" the ideas/thoughts/dreams he had about having a son. I am excited for our 3rd boy but am sometimes sad about what I will miss from not having a girl. I would suggest giving him some time to get used to the idea. But I would also suggest that you both sit down and have a heart to heart about it if both of you would be willing. I can imagine it's possible that he is not happy about the way he is feeling, but he still feels it and may appreciate talking to you about it if you would be willing to listen.

But, congratulations on your rainbow baby girl! So excited for you and your two girls! We have two boys (3rd in the way) and I love having two of the same sex. It's so fun to watch how they relate to each other and how different they can be! We love it!

ThePax89 · July 2016

@adorebella yes to douche canoe. And I do think this has something to do with the losses. Our recent loss was male. Good call. Maybe I'll take it easier on the douche canoe.

ThePax89 · July 2016

@CJSampson omg I'm so sorry! My husband will be amazing to her and won't be mean to her. We have a daughter and he's a fantastic dad.

ThePax89 · July 2016

@scgirl6113 good point on the mourning.

ThePax89 · July 2016

@cjs260 my biggest issue is that I feel like I'm the only one celebrating this baby now. He's so disinterested. Gahhhhhhhhh! Maybe I'll go buy him new underpants today. Labeled "big boy panties" maybe they will have trucks on them. Fuck. Maybe even Spider-Man. Whatever it takes.

hjmorgan-2 · July 2016

I can almost grantee he is feeling guilt, which is why he would deny being upset. If he tells you he's upset, then that's him admitting it. And I'm sure he doesn't want to feel that way about his child. This is going based on human nature. Especially if this is his way of mourning.

I know it'd be hard, but the harder and more resentful you are to him, the farther it's going to push you two apart. He has to know this isn't fare to you, I'm sure he'll come around and say so. I'm with @scgirl6113 A good heart to heart is probably what is needed.

Have you told him how this makes you feel? In a heartfelt way? (not in a angry, screamy way, which I KNOW is way easier said that done given the circumstances....)

With that said, I also want to say congratulations on your rainbow baby! And I am also very sorry you are having to deal with all of this and emotional pregnancy hormones!

*hugs*

lindaisy86 · July 2016

I'm only on my first (I'm team one-and-done but DH thinks we need at least two) and won't find out the sex for another couple of weeks and I have slight fears about this also. DH is very much on team boy and although I would love a boy, I think it's a girl. He's a gamer, into extreme sports and likes to build and fix things out in his shop. I've been reminding him for weeks that these are all things he can do with a daughter too, we don't have to raise either sex any differently (god knows my son will be taught to do the laundry, dishes, and general cleaning as would my daughter) and that he is underestimating the amazing bond between a girl and her dad. I think it's starting to work because I overheard him playing video games with his best friend who asked "so are you hoping for a boy or girl?" to which he responded "Well, a boy, but either would be great".
Congrats on your rainbow baby and good luck!

ThePax89 · July 2016

Thank you all for your kind words and good thoughts about my rainbow! I bet he is feeling guilt. He is a great dad and adores our older daughter. I'm just going to ignore him for a bit...he feels like a douchenozzle for making me pregnant cry so maybe he will buck up.

AlabamaRedhead · July 2016

Look, men just don't get it many times. DH told me that with our son, it was hard for him to really connect/love the baby until after he was born. It's just not as real to them, they're aren't literally living, breathing and eating for the baby.

After our two losses, DH is very excited about this one. Then on Saturday I got the doppler and found the HB. I could listen for hours, he heard it, was like "cool" then went to go watch TV. I was like "what the hell dude??" but then just chilled out.

I have known several friends whose partners were not as excited about having girls, but now, those little girls OWN their daddies. OWN them.

canavara · July 2016

Late to seeing this but sorry you're going through this! Hopefully as the pregnancy progresses, it starts to feel more real to him and he gets over the feelings and forgets he ever felt that way! I know a lot of people say "oh men just can't connect as much because they're not carrying the baby!" and it sounds like an excuse but I do think it can sometimes affect the timeline of how people process their emotions and when things switch from being abstract to concrete. If he loves your daughter, I'm sure he'll love your new LO just the same

sweetyjenj · July 2016

I agree with what @scgirl6113 said. She made a good point, that your husband is likely grieving the loss of one of his dreams of having a boy. That doesn't mean that he won't love the girl, and he probably doesn't like that he feels so upset about it, but it's ok for him to grieve and totally natural. Allow him to share the things he was excited for if it was a boy, then also maybe talk about all the things he can also do with the girl. My dad thought I was going to be a boy, but then I came out a girl....and he still raised me like his little girl-boy haha. I learned to shoot, change tires and oil on cars, play sports (though I'm not good at them, I know how), and he brought me golfing all the time with him and his friends. He treated me like a girl, but he also didn't leave me out of all the things "boys do". I was daddy's little girl for sure, but I'm so glad for all the extra knowledge that I have that even my sister didn't get. My dad had to grieve that loss WHILE I was there (though it didn't take him more than a few minutes to recover), but your husband gets to mentally prepare so he's ready when she comes.

TinaBelcher · July 2016

Late to this but I'm sorry you're dealing with it!! My H was disappointed for a little bit, mainly because vaginas scare him (eyeroll) but he... maybe not got over it but at least squashed it for my sake pretty quickly. I hope your H comes around ASAP!

Mylitta · July 2016

I can't add anything... but I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree that he's likely grieving the image he had in his head and that takes a little out of you. Sometimes it's hard to let go of our expectations. If he's still being weird about it in a few days maybe have a discussion with him. Let him get all the vision out and start to build a new one with 2 daughters...

emtimme · July 2016

HJ.Morgan said:

I can almost grantee he is feeling guilt, which is why he would deny being upset. If he tells you he's upset, then that's him admitting it. And I'm sure he doesn't want to feel that way about his child. This is going based on human nature. Especially if this is his way of mourning.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I second this response. My husband was over-the-moon-excited when we were told we were having a boy and had a blatantly negative reaction to the news that the ultrasound speculation was wrong. I was very hurt and, frankly, pissed. It took some time, but eventually he opened up and said that a lot of his feelings centered around guilt. He felt guilty for saying that he was glad it was a boy instead a girl and felt like he'd already 'projected expectations' onto her. I know a lot of it was also that he was busy imagining raising a boy to be like him and was clueless as to how he would adjust those dreams for a girl.

I really hope your husband comes around (I think he will!).

mommywesley · July 2016

Awe, I'm sorry! I sometimes feel like I make my husband feel the way you are because we have 4 boys and I've always wanted a daughter. Like since I was 12 wanted a daughter. I'm sure some of my crying and remarks made him feel bad.

I agree with most of ladies that he is probably feeling guilty about the way he's feeling, and mourning the loss of ever having a boy.

Praying he gets back to being excited asap!

SquirrelGiggles83 · July 2016

I'm sorry you're having to go through this as well. My DH and I have both said that we going to be happy with whatever, but I think in his mind he always pictured a little girl (he was close with his best friend's daughters growing up) and I think in my mind I have for a long time pictured a little boy (very close with my little nephew). Either way I think it will take some time to get used to whichever one we happen to get. We are team 1 and done, to this is pretty much it for us (DH is older) so after trying for 6+ years and having this rainbow I am just hoping that everybody connects once the baby is here.

When I first told him that I was pregnant, he didn't seem super excited. I think that he was scared because of previous loss. Lately though, he has started talking to "the tapeworm" and is definitely getting there. We will see what happens when we find out the sex!

I'm willing to bet your husband will come around. The idea will just take some getting used to.

susykat77 · July 2016

Late to the game here and I can't really add anything else. I just wanted to offer my support. And that if your husband likes being razzed a bit then the underwear are a great idea!! lol!

edited because grammar is hard

BrennansMom2012 · July 2016

Late on responding but I wanted to say I'm sorry he's being a douche canoe (which I love saying btw)! I agree with PP's with guys having a vision in their mind and even though they may not openly voice it like we do their dreams can be shattered too when hearing the sex of the baby. I can bet he doesn't intend to be hurtful but it's just taking time to get over the dream of having a boy. My hubby is/was with the news were having another boy instead of a girl. Giving you a virtual hug! Hang in there, girl! He'll come around!

Heeb918 · July 2016

@ThePax89 I'm in this exact position. My husband just returned from a trip home because his grandfather passed away. My appointment was yesterday and I had them put the sex in an envelope and had cupcakes made with (now I know) pink in the middle. He drove for 10 hours thinking about how he wanted a little boy to continue the family name. He got home, DD bit into the cupcake, it was pink. I cried happy tears, he turned around and started unpacking his stuff and said nothing. We are fresh off of 3 consecutive losses/fertility treatments and he admitted later that he felt badly because of all we went through to even get to this point, but because of all the hard times we decided we are done after this and he needs to mourn the thought of never having a boy. I get it. I cried later because I was sad for his reaction and that he was sad, but not mad at him. He can't help how he feels.
FWIW he had close to the same reaction when we had the first ultrasound with DD. It took a really long time for him to embrace her, and he didn't really "fall in love" with her until she was about 1. Now they are total buds. Give him some time to process. A year or 2 from now both of you wont be able to picture your life with anything different! Hugs!

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