I don't know if I can keep doing this

devilanne · July 2016

I'm sure many of you have felt this way before. After 4.5 years, more clomid cycles than I can count, 2 failed IUIs, and the dreaded 'unexplained infertility' diagnosis, I feel myself wanting to give up. It feels like it will never happen, so why keep torturing myself?

The day my cycle started this month (marking the 2nd failed IUI in a row) I had my good cry and pulled myself together and went to work. At the start of a meeting, waiting for all the people to get there, someone asked one of my co-workers about his new baby - she's about a month old. And as he started talking about his adventures in new fatherhood, I started crumbling. It took all my self control to hold it in long enough to run to the bathroom, hide in a stall, and bawl my eyes out.

Now, on day 4 of this cycle, I'd accepted taking a break for a few months and saving some money for another IUI. I thought I'd gotten passed it when I made the mistake of looking on Facebook. Two very close friends of mine (not just acquaintances) have recently had new babies (both in the past month) and of course they spend all day posting baby pictures. Which just sends me into another crying fit. Unfortunately for now I had to unfollow their posts to avoid this.

I really wish I could just give up and be done, accept it for what it is and move on. But I can't do that and I've lost hope so I'm stuck in this horrible position of wanting something but convincing myself it will never happen at the same time. I'm sure it doesn't help that my hormones are all out of whack.

How close have you come to giving up and what helped you get your optimism back?

~Anne~

Toby102008 · July 2016

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Infertility is the most emotional, stressful, unfair thing anyone can go through. It's truly the hardest struggle I've ever been through in my life. I too have wanted to give up a number of times and we are just starting our first IUI. It seems like everywhere you turn someone else is announcing a new pregnancy or having another baby. And here we are stuck in this never ending cycle of OPKs, pills, shots, tests, procedures, doctors, etc. Every month another period comes and another few days of tears and lost hope. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you. But I feel for you so very much because I know exactly how you feel. When I'm losing hope or feeling like I can't do this anymore, I have a good long cry. I let myself succumb to these emotions and pick myself up and make it through another day. It's not easy, but I tell myself it will all be worth it in the end. That's all we can do is take this one day at a time. Best of luck to you in your journey and I hope the very best for you. One day this will all be a chapter in our lives that led us to the greatest gift of all.

Shadoerunner · July 2016

Hi Devilanne
First let me say that I hear you and I understand how you feel. I am 41 years old and over the last 1.5 years almost all my nieces, nephews and the younger generation I helped raise (who are all in their 20s) decided to have children. At first I was happy for them, but with each baby/pregnancy announcement something ugly took root in me and by the end of the 8th baby showers I was done.

It was a struggle since we all live in spitting distance of each other and I got to see their kids almost weekly. I ended up I slipping into a depression and the only thing that help me was my faith, great therapist & and a good stiff drink when I got my CD 14 negative. I started living more for me than my hopeful pregnancy. I plan vacations and stayed away from home. These thing helped to refocused me and returned some sanity to my life. Then end one day I woke up dusty myself off and moved on to the next step in my baby journey and for me that was IVF.

I agree with the pervious posted, I would also add I hope you have some kind of support system, where you don't have to bottle your fears and heartache with the burden shared you might be able to move on. Good luck.

sphinx24 · July 2016

My husband have both debated not continuing. We've been trying for 5 years and have been delayed by health concerns on my part, additional testing for a diagnosis they still can't decide on and switching RE's.

We have just finished a round of IVF and are waiting to do a FET. It's stressful and tiring and expensive but we try to focus on the good things in our life and enjoy what we do have right now. My DH and I give each a pep talk when needed and have family who are in a similar situation we can talk to. Venting helps!

jkd2388 · July 2016

@devilanne I am sorry you feel that way, but I know how you feel. What you said really resonates me with as I too just had two close friends who had babies, found out another is pregnant just two days ago as I prepare for iui #2. My diagnosis is also unexplained infertility. I find it works best to just cry when I feel like crying and realize I'm allowed to cry and feel upset about all this and to not hold it in. My husband asked if I wanted to take a break from trying and I told him no because it won't make me want it any less, even though my body would probably like a break. Honestly I don't have a whole lot of optimism right now but I'm too stubborn to give up, probably one of the only things keeping me going. I find talking to everyone on here helps as well because you know you aren't alone and we are the best people to vent to when you need it.
Will keep you in my prayers and wish you the best!

devilanne · July 2016

It really helps just knowing I'm not alone.

@jdk2388 I too am usually very stubborn and strong but sometimes I can only be so strong. I think the two straight months of pills and injectibles have really taken a toll on me and messed with my emotions. It's easy to hold back the damn when your cycle is still starting up, it's another to fight them when it's ended. Thank you for the support.

@sphinx24 I think my husband is feeling very defeated too. He will continue on as long as I will (bc he knows his parts a bit easier). For awhile we always looked forward to the magically IUIs thinking that would be the solution, so it's frustrating getting the same results. I'm going to check in with my RE and see if there's any new tests to run and then save up for some more IUIs. One of the nurses at my office always tells me her story of the 8th successful IUI to give me hope. Good luck with your FET and I hope everything works out!!!

@Shadoerunner I have made fertility such a big part of our lives lately (it's hard not to) and I should focus on other things. I'm 35 and I feel like every month, that chance of conceiving is dropping, even though there are still years to go (they really make women 35+ and 40+ feel like shit with their statistics). I have some very supportive friends, two going through the same thing (but not actively working with an RE) and one who is very understanding and works with me. She came to the bathroom and just held me when the stupid meeting thing happened. She knew exactly what was going on, no one else really did (I just said I didn't feel good).

@Toby102008 my "long cry" is def stretching out for too long this time! I'm hoping once AF leaves, and I take this cycle off, my tenacity will return. And hopefully I'll drop these pesky 10 lbs I gained the past two IUI cycles!

Thank you all for just understanding and being supportive.

wintersong555 · July 2016

My heart goes out to you, it really does. During this journey, I've seen just how bitter and ugly I can get, but I've also discovered how (annoyingly) stubborn I can be. Sometimes I find myself glaring at babies while we are out shopping, and I can't help but make a snide comment under my breath if I see more than a couple of pregnant ladies walking around. I don't do it as much as I used to, but the whole thing has made me feel bitter and isolated. Like you, I just can't stomach reading announcements, looking at the pictures, listening to the stories of people's new babies..nope. Can't do it.

I've come close to throwing in the towel a few times, but I just wait it out and distract myself- I let my mind go as far as it can away from any thoughts of ttc, babies, etc. Once I take that mental vacation, talk with DH and think of what a great dad he's going to be, I'm usually ready for another dose of punishment.

I hope all of this will one day be a distant, unpleasant memory for you and you will get what you've been waiting for for so long.

kaityh1 · July 2016

@devilanne I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. We've all been there and it just flat out sucks. I hate how IF has turned me into such a bitter person when it comes to other people and their announcements and babies. My SIL just had a baby and it has been SO HARD listening to everyone (because thats all our family talks about) and seeing her posts on FB. All I want is to be happy for them but I'm still so angry and sad for myself. After she and her husband announced that they were pregnant, DH and I decided to take a few months off and it was honestly the best thing we could have done. We were able to save up some money and not spend every waking minutes thinking about TTC. The only advice I can give you is to hang in there and remember that we are all here and we all understand how you're feeling. Hugs to you!

Isthisthereallife · July 2016

@devilanne aww sweet girl. I'm so so sorry that you're hurting and going through this. Regardless if it's in the real world or on here, you have people to support you and help talk you through this.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and do whatever is right for you. If you need a break, take it. If you don't want it - don't. To quote my favorite poem, "nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness"-Desiderata

Hang in there. You're not alone and we're all here for you.

devilanne · July 2016

@wintersong555 & @kaityh1 I have totally shocked myself with how bitter I've gotten. The day I found out IUI #1 failed was the same day Savanah on the Today Show on nbc did her whole pregnancy announcement and I wanted to throw something at the tv. I just thought "how nice for her, she should keep it to herself". It's worse to think those thoughts of people I know, so I keep them to myself or vent to hubby.

Thank yoh @Isthisthereallife. Part of me doesn't want to take a break but I feel mentally I have to. At least this weekend, we are moving into our brand new house so I have something to look forward to. I told my friend to hunt me down and slap me if I started another cycle bf September, so hopefully she'll keep me on track for a 2 month break.

Isthisthereallife · July 2016

@devilanne How exciting about the new house! That will definitely keep you busy!! I'm glad you're taking a needed break! I just saw this and instantly thought of you. This applies to anyone who feels defeated and like they want to give up.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/5e/x22v1hhqd3ov.jpg

devilanne · July 2016

I love that! I'm a cat person too.
Also found out some good news today. We are also selling some land that we decided not to build on and the realtor gave us the listing price today .. WAY more than we expected and way more than we paid. Of course there's a huge possibility it won't go for that much but IF it did, I might actually be able to afford IVF! As a last option if my doc feels it's a good fit but still, it's a glimmer of hope.
I'm more spiritual than religious but the world works in mysterious ways.

daboz · July 2016

I can totally understand what you mean. Like I am also sure everyone on this board has been where you are and felt the same. Now I haven't been trying as long as you (2 years) but I know what you mean. Facebook always blows up with the next birth or pregnancy announcement. And then we are over here trying so hard and nothing. Just today my husband and I are out of town visiting family in his side that I haven't really met until now. They all pretty much joked about "oh where's their (talking about my in laws) grandkids". Since we are the only ones old enough and also married out of my in laws kids. And it just hurts because when I do say well we have been trying to have a kid for two years their response is oh you gotta quit trying. I'm just thinking well do you want the kids or not because apparently not trying and trying and Meds and iui just hasn't worked so what the hell do I do. I can't just spit a kid out. I'm tired too and I feel bad because we really don't have it as bad as some and haven't been trying near as long. I'm sorry you are also feeling bad and I truly hope you can work through all these rough times. Just know you are not alone! It really is so easy to lose all hope.

mskeenan · July 2016

Hi Anne - I am so sorry you are struggling . I know how you feel . I have been there . I reached a point where I just had to take a break . I was losing myself and slipping into a pretty severe depression. I took a couple months off and let me just say it was amazing ! It gave me time to reconnect with my husband and focus on just having fun and being me . I invested my time in yoga , hobbies and even did a little therapy .

I know it's so hard to think about taking a break when you want things now , especially when you feel like a clock is ticking . But even a couple months can do wonders in my opinion . To me , taking a break felt like giving up at first but I quickly learned it was exactly what I needed to re group and regain my strength . It was nice to feel like I had some control back to say "I want a baby but I just don't want this stress for myself right now ."

You will get through this . This is damn hard and not fair but you've already made it this far . If you need some time , take it ! Only you can know if and when you need a break. Good luck lady ! Keep your head up !!

KLake42 · July 2016

I've definitely been discouraged. So far, I've only considered giving up on a particular strategy-- and I have given up on my own ovaries. But I have plan B, plan C, plan D, etc., so my next try is going to involve my wife's eggs.

However, I have to say one thing. Giving up is not the end of the world. In fact, I have to hold on to the fact THIS STRUGGLE is going to end some day. I will not be injecting my body with hormones forever. I will not be counting things out in two week time periods forever. I will not be getting BFNs forever. Someday I will stop.

I hope I have a baby. But if I don't, I'm sure I will be an amazing foster mother, and may find a forever child (or two or three or ten) serving that system, or maybe not, but I will someday have an opportunity to love a child, and be frustrated by a child, and have my house wrecked by a child, and it will all be fine.

But this shit? This big steaming pile of fertility shit? This will end, dammit. And that's a good thing-- I have to hold onto that. If it involves giving up getting pregnant, or giving up on getting a baby, I will be able to bear what grief that brings, because I will at least get relief from this process. That's a valid thing to look forward to.

If you quit, you will not have FAILED. You will just be strong enough to know that your journey is taking a turn, and there's no shame in that.

LeanneB82 · July 2016

I'm sorry for everything you're feeling and going through too, but please know you aren't alone. We've been trying for 2 years and after a failed IUI, the DOR diagnosis and failed IVF with no frozen embryos, I had to get off the train for awhile. I just couldn't emotionally deal with it. DH and I agreed to take the summer to just have fun and reconnect and it's been the best thing we could have chosen to do. I feel like I'm starting to get myself back, not the woman who feels like a failure because she hasn't been able to have a baby. Do what feels right for you. There's no right or wrong answer. And, just keep unfollowing who you need to unfollow.

devilanne · July 2016

@KLake42 that is the best way to think about it - that regardless of the outcome, this will at least end. I need to sit down with my husband and talk about other plans. For so long, IUI was the plan and we felt like if we just got there, we'd have better luck. But life doesn't always work out that way.
@mskeenan @LeanneB82 Thank you for reminding me that taking a break is not giving up - no matter how much my brain tells me it is.
I was so busy moving all weekend that for once, IF didn't cross my mind once. And I'm so happy with the new house, it's brought my spirits up.

IF sucks big fat donkey balls though.

sasha29-2 · July 2016

I mean, it's definitely worth remembering that you are really pumping yourself full of hormones... That can make your emotions a lot stronger, I know it does for me. And there's definitely an emotional disconnect with unexplained IF; there's nothing anyone can find wrong with me, but I'm going through this invasive, expensive, emotionally draining treatment every week... It doesn't add up.

IDK, maybe it's because I'm fairly early in the "treatment" end of things, but when I start getting hung up on the one thing my body can't seem to do, I try to go do something that reminds me of what my body CAN do, and do well. Usually it's exercise; I run far and fast, I got to yoga and try some crazy new moves, I go to boxing class and beat up the boys (and yes, take a few hits myself), or I got lift really heavy weights. But somehow, reminding myself of the amazing things my body can do releases a little of the pressure I take on about not being able to do one thing that's "supposed to be easy".

But yeah, this sucks.

BoundlessHope · July 2016

Anne, your post really struck a chord with me. I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time right now. My heart goes out to you.

I know these difficult feelings very well, as I’ve had a long struggle with infertility for the past 3.5 years.

I agree, it is so emotionally and physically exhausting to go through IVF/IUIs and all of the meds. As someone who has been through 5 failed IVF cycles, 2 IUIs, and in turn, exhausted all of my Infertility benefits, i had lost hope myself.

Then a couple of months ago, I discovered a book by Julia Indichova, called “Inconceivable”. It’s an incredibly inspirational story about a woman, who was told by multiple REs that she was not a candidate to try IVF because her FSH levels were too high. She then listened to her body, used some different tools, and lowered her levels, becoming pregnant naturally.

Take a look at this link on her website about those who tried IVF and then conceived naturally after working with the Fertile Heart Practice.

https://www.fertileheart.com/success-stories/natural-pregnancy-after-failed-ivf/

Ever since then, I've read Julia’s books, went to her workshop in Woodstock, NY and began listening to her CDs. She also has wonderful teleconferences that have really supported me. It has all been very inspiring and has given me hope again.

As a result, I am now looking at the POSITIVE scenarios on this journey and am not so fearful of what can go wrong. The more I work on releasing that manifestation of stress, anxiety and fear, I begin healing. The Fertile Heart practice has given me new found hope. The more I learn to surrender and let go in life and ride that wave, the more I feel like things are falling in to place. This choice does not mean I’m giving up. In fact it’s the opposite. It actually means that I’m going along with life. Embracing it and opening up to all of the possibilities!

I’m more joyful and smiling again. I’m doing more creative and therapeutic activities. I’ve been doing a yoga practice every morning to set the stage for a good positive day and one full of gratitude.

As a result, I’m feeling more like myself again. I’m so grateful for the Fertile Heart practice that I really wanted to share it with you.

I don’t know yet how this journey will turn out for me. But I do feel I am giving myself the best chance possible and have the tools to handle whatever comes my way in this particular struggle and all I will encounter throughout this life.

Sending healing hugs to you

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