Early separation anxiety? Help!

duendef · July 2016

Hi ladies!

So my DD2 is very particular about who is able to soothe her, in that it's just me. She has gotten a little better about letting others hold and play with her when she's content, but when it's time for nap she can only be soothed by me. My DH is home caring for the two girls this summer until school starts again in September, and he's having a terrible time with it. He's tried everything and she'll continue to cry for hours. So far today she has cried from 9-12:30, refusing to eat and sleep. He has tried holding, rocking, wearing her, walking in the stroller, car rides, the swing, a bath, a bottle, everything. My MIL tries to help some but she cries for her too (we left the baby with her for about 4 hrs the other day and she cried the entire time). When I get home she nuzzles up to me, stops crying immediately, nurses, and sleeps for hours. We are at a complete loss. I feel bad bc it's obvious that my husband doesn't have the same bond with her like he did with DD1 (in fact it seems he really doesn't like her much at all, although he really tries to hide his frustration from her just in case she can sense it), I feel bad for DD1 bc she pretty much has to fend for herself during the day and gets no attention, and of course I feel bad for the baby. I know separation anxiety usually doesn't start until 6-8 months, so what's the deal? She's been like this since birth. Also, DH texted today and said he was so fed up that he had to just lay her down and walk away, leaving her to CIO for a bit. He wasn't going to let her go longer than 5 mins, and she did end up quieting down around 5 mins and then fell asleep for about 20 mins. I know that babies can't self-soothe until about 4-6 months, and we aren't huge proponents of CIO anyways (we did a very kind, modified version with DD1), but do you think it'll be awful for her if he does that? He says she basically needs to self-soothe anyway bc he clearly isn't soothing her, but I just don't like the idea of it. Thoughts? Ideas? Will this get better or only worse once true separation anxiety sets in? Help!

alyshamarie007 · July 2016

Maybe have him try wearing a shirt or something of yours that has your scent on it? Babies can also sense stress, so it's important for him to try and stay calm (as hard as it can be). My little guy has been super fussy since birth, so I can relate to this. I've learned that when babies are overtired, trying too many things can make it worse. I usually just pick a quiet room and wait it out while comforting baby, until they fall asleep.
Im not big on CIO, but it's better for him to set her down and cry if he needs a break. I let my son fuss for a few minutes, but if he cries I will sit with him and pat and shush. This has helped him learn to fall asleep on his own. You can check out the baby whisperer book for more on that. Hope it gets better!

alyshamarie007 · July 2016

Also, can relate on the older child part. When I was starting the baby whisperer (shush pat) I had to rely on the iPad and tv a lot. It's better now though that ds2 can fall asleep on his own usually. Whatever helps you survive the hard times is what you have to do.

Missingchampagne · July 2016

Have you tried a swaddle? The Halo sleep sack is a good one. Sometimes they start off a little upset, but the more they flail around the more they make it worse for themselves.

I definitely agree with the previous commenter that the babies can sense stress, and if your husband needs a minute then it's best he takes it for both their sake. I'm sorry to hear your family and poor babies are going through this.

korpatch · July 2016

Wow! I have no advice, but that must be really hard!!! I hope you'll meet the right person with the perfect advice or LO grows out of it!!

runningwild · July 2016

This is just a thought, but is he burping her really well? When my DD needs to burp, she is inconsolable. She screams as if she's overtired or hungry. But I've found if I bounce her up and down (fairly hard) with her tummy up against me, she'll let out a big burp and then calm right down.

I hope it gets better for them soon. I have 2 older children, and they too get left in another room to fend for themselves sometimes. It's hard.

duendef · July 2016

Thanks for the support! We do swaddle her (we've tried various kinds), and that's usually when she starts freaking out. She's happy during the first play time, but as soon as he gets ready to lay her down for that first nap, she freaks out and is inconsolable for the rest of the day. I'll suggest him sticking it out and not trying too many things. That may help a bit. She may get all riled up every time he tries something new. And burping could also be an issue, she does have some silent reflux. But he tries to burp her and since she's not really eating for him, she may not really need to. Although the incessant crying doesn't help I'm sure. I had the baby whisperer book for my first but never really needed it because she was so easy so I get rid of it. Too naive and overconfident! I'll have to look into it again. I'm really hoping she'll start to grow out of it soon. I feel like it's selective colic and they say that usually gets better around 3-4 months, and usually by the time they are sitting. Here's hoping! Oh and I think we are going to start trying to switch roles so he can be more active in her favorite things (like Bathtime), while I help DD1. We'll see. Thanks again!

momofmanyinthemitten · July 2016

Is he waiting too long to put her down for a nap? If she's happy playing, but cries at nap time, that may be the problem. If only they came with their own individual manuals...

duendef · July 2016

Ain't that the truth! He isn't though, he's tried various ways. We've noticed she can't go much more than 1-1.5 hrs after waking up, so he's tried putting her in very early (around 45 mins) and about every time interval in between. He's also tried just waiting for cues (disaster!). I suppose it's just her temperament and he just needs to keep trying and being sweet to her? He took over bedtime routine tonight (naked play time, bath, massage), and she was smiling at him the entire time. I'm hoping with him playing more of a roll in that routine maybe that will help. A users manual would also help.

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