Let them cry it out??

ashleygray89 · July 2016

My son is 4 weeks+1 he has been so spoiled with everyone holding him all the time including me and my husband. But now it has gotten to the point to where I can not lay him down to sleep or anything. I'm not able to do anything. I literally can not hold him anymore today bc my insicion from my c section hurts so bad.. is it OK to let them.cry it out if your sitting there watching? Even if it is hard.. thoughts or opinions.. I have to break this cycle

peaceinnature · July 2016

There's a lot of definitions of cry it out. Technically cry it out as a sleep training method is not recommended before four months. Also it is not possible to spoil a one month old. They haven't formed the ability to anticipate or manipulate actions yet.

That said, I know my baby sometimes does not really calm down by being held and just needs to fuss before he goes to sleep. It's different from full fledged crying, but if he's tired picking him up when he fusses just prolongs the whole thing. Do you have a swing or a baby wearing carrier? Both of those things are magical for getting my DS to sleep when I need to do other things.

ashleygray89 · July 2016

Yes, I did baby carrier all day..now I'm In a lot of pain and he screams in anything I put him in,but once he's picked up he's fine. He's had 5 ounces of milk a clean diaper.. idk what else to do.

alysemci · July 2016

You can't spoil a baby that age. They're not old enough to manipulate you, they just genuinely need you. I'd say a definite no to cry it out to try and break a cycle

HeartLikeMine3 · July 2016

Can you just lie down and let him sleep on your chest or sit supported by pillows with him? I agree it's ok to let him fuss a bit but just to cry isn't reccomeded at this age.

AOliveira11 · July 2016

As long as the baby is changed and fed, i let my lo cry for about 5-10 mins if shes resisting sleeping. Sometimes the pacifier helps and changin her position helps too. Anymore than 10 mins and a distressed sounding cry i so pick her up and try and rock her or help her to sleep. Sometimes its bad gas pain and some movement helps her pass gas so she can relax more. But i dont see anything wrong with letting her cry a little bit as long as shes not in distress.

rlbrooks84 · July 2016

Do you have a swing? Have you tried swaddling? I just spent the last 2 hrs with my LO crying but she's always colicky from about 7-9. I don't have a swing because my boys hated the one we had so I gave it away and didn't plan on getting one for this LO, but at this point if it'll help I'm all for it. I understand not being able to hold baby all day, my boys also need me, but maybe you can find something to soothe him other then being held.

purplefan1 · July 2016

Get the DVD Happiest Baby on the Block. It's amazing and the tools really work.

vintagevix2016 · July 2016

ashleygray89 said:

Yes, I did baby carrier all day..now I'm In a lot of pain and he screams in anything I put him in,but once he's picked up he's fine. He's had 5 ounces of milk a clean diaper.. idk what else to do.

My 1m old doesn't like being in a carrier unless we are outside. He's been having daily meltdowns for the past 2 weeks (it started with just the afternoons, then crept into the evenings, now he splits the afternoon meltdown and evening meltdown with a long nap). The only things that seemed to calm him down were to walk and rock him simultaneously while holding him up by my shoulder, a bath (a temp fix), and a long ride in the stroller. The stroller is what knocks him out for his long late afternoon/early evening naps (two 3hr naps).

We are trying gripe water now and that seems to calm him but it's hard to administer with the syringe since he always spits it out. It also seems to increase the number of times he spits up during the day, plus I think it makes him grunt all the time. I hardly slept for part of the night because of the constant grunting and had to move him to the nursery earlier than I usually do (we split his evenings between a bassinet in our room and his crib).

Edited to add that the gripe water does make him burp and fart a lot more frequently and with more ease.

MamaNicoleof3 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

As long as the baby is changed and fed, i let my lo cry for about 5-10 mins if shes resisting sleeping. Sometimes the pacifier helps and changin her position helps too. Anymore than 10 mins and a distressed sounding cry i so pick her up and try and rock her or help her to sleep. Sometimes its bad gas pain and some movement helps her pass gas so she can relax more. But i dont see anything wrong with letting her cry a little bit as long as shes not in distress.

Not sure why you'd let your newborn CIO. Please read this and educate yourself: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

lm45678 · July 2016

I'm sorry you're in so much pain still, that can't be easy especially with a baby that doesn't like to be put down.

However, you cannot "spoil" a newborn and it is not appropriate for a baby that age to be left to self soothe a cry it out. Their only goal right now is to get their basic needs met and it's our job to meet those needs, even when it isn't easy.

Is there anyone close by who can help you for a few hours? A friend, family member or neighbor? My LO is the same way and I either sit on the couch and hold her, wear her around the house or have my mom come hold her while I do laundry, dishes, etc.

Its not easy, but try to remember that this phase will be over soon, and one day we will miss having our littles wants to cuddle us all the time!

AOliveira11 · July 2016

MamaNicoleof3 said:
Not sure why you'd let your newborn CIO. Please read this and educate yourself: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

I have read that article before and used it in one of my child development classes. I do not let my baby CIO to the point where she is in distress. I can hear in her cries if there is an issue. Sometimes she just cries to cry and theres not much i can do about that. It started with picking her up everytime she made a whine sound or cried even a peep. But if shes fed, not screaming for more food, changed and clean, in a safe and comfortable position...theres bot much else i can do for her. It sounds selfish but after 18 hours of a fussing baby and taking care of her needs i do need a break so if ahe cries for 5-10 mins before she falls asleep its not the end of the world. I did speak to her pediatrician about this as well bc i was concerned about the CIO self-soothing and she agreed that at this age sometimes babies just cry even if for no reason. When the crying changes or if i can see there is a problem her needs are without a doubt met.

purplefan1 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

MamaNicoleof3 said:
Not sure why you'd let your newborn CIO. Please read this and educate yourself: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

I have read that article before and used it in one of my child development classes. I do not let my baby CIO to the point where she is in distress. I can hear in her cries if there is an issue. Sometimes she just cries to cry and theres not much i can do about that. It started with picking her up everytime she made a whine sound or cried even a peep. But if shes fed, not screaming for more food, changed and clean, in a safe and comfortable position...theres bot much else i can do for her. It sounds selfish but after 18 hours of a fussing baby and taking care of her needs i do need a break so if ahe cries for 5-10 mins before she falls asleep its not the end of the world. I did speak to her pediatrician about this as well bc i was concerned about the CIO self-soothing and she agreed that at this age sometimes babies just cry even if for no reason. When the crying changes or if i can see there is a problem her needs are without a doubt met.

I seriously recommend happiest baby on the block DVD!! We had heard about it, I knew some of the techniques but my husband and I watched it last night and it is amazing. My husband went from feeling like only i could soothe her by breastfeeding when she got ridiculous to being able to soothe her himself, especially when we knew she wasnt hungry and was just upset for no real reason. Go on amazon, order the DVD, and rock those skills!! I just got to eat lunch in peace using the swaddled and soothe skills from that DVD.

AOliveira11 · July 2016

I actually ordered it a few days ago And am waiting (not) patiently for it to come in. Ive heard such good things about it so im dying to learn n try it out

purplefan1 · July 2016

You will love it! You are probably already using some of the techniques but seeing that doctor use and explain them and put them all together is so cool. Let me know when it comes and if it works for you!

MamaNicoleof3 · July 2016

I do understand the exhaustion. Our second had awful reflux and sleep apnea and screamed for 12-14 hours every day and literally did not sleep. I get it, I do. But a newborn isn't crying just to cry. There's a reason.

ahernandez16 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

As long as the baby is changed and fed, i let my lo cry for about 5-10 mins if shes resisting sleeping. Sometimes the pacifier helps and changin her position helps too. Anymore than 10 mins and a distressed sounding cry i so pick her up and try and rock her or help her to sleep. Sometimes its bad gas pain and some movement helps her pass gas so she can relax more. But i dont see anything wrong with letting her cry a little bit as long as shes not in distress.

Babies literally cry because they're in distress. Just because a baby is clean and full does not mean they aren't in distress. EVERYTHING on the outside is new and overwhelming to them as they develop and are able to see things in different ways. Not to mention they're growing at an insane rate every flipping day. Sometimes they're fussy and there's a reason we can't see or fix. Sometimes they just want to be held because it's familiar. They don't just cry to cry and how anyone could listen to a newborn scream for 5-10 minutes and think they aren't in distress is just beyond me. FFS.

AOliveira11 · July 2016

I hate hearing her scream. It breaks my heart but when she hasnt stoped crying or fussing even when im holding her, i get anxious and stressed and i need that time for myself as well. i have cleared this with her pediatrician and after that point in time she is absolutely addressed. Dont judge me because we are parenting our children differently. Im doing what feels right to me as a parent and doing my best. I posted about this in a separate post about a week ago where i said how i broke down after having to let her cry because there was literally nothing wrong and nothing i could do to soothe her. ive been told by multiple doctors in the pediatrician office that it is okay to let her cry at this age if shes been taken care of

DSTtots4lyfe · July 2016

S T O P

If you are struggling to parent your newborn (yes this means constant attention--it's a newborn), get help. Letting them fuss--even not full screaming--for even five minutes is extremely damaging and does not create a less fussy or more independent infant. It does exactly the opposite.

If you can leave your child to cry or fuss and not feel distressed, get help, you are likely having bonding issues and what is happening isn't some kind of 'expectation management' (your newborn can't process that complex of a thought training); what's happening is neglect. Ignorance is not an excuse, get help when you need it, people.

mimi_8607 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

I hate hearing her scream. It breaks my heart but when she hasnt stoped crying or fussing even when im holding her, i get anxious and stressed and i need that time for myself as well. i have cleared this with her pediatrician and after that point in time she is absolutely addressed. Dont judge me because we are parenting our children differently. Im doing what feels right to me as a parent and doing my best. I posted about this in a separate post about a week ago where i said how i broke down after having to let her cry because there was literally nothing wrong and nothing i could do to soothe her. ive been told by multiple doctors in the pediatrician office that it is okay to let her cry at this age if shes been taken care of

Saying that the pediatrician approved it doesn't really do anything. They don't know your baby like you should. My pedi also told me to let my newborn cry when we came home from the hospital and he had jaundice. I was pissed. I would never just let my baby sit and cry. In my instance he was hungry and my milk hadn't cam in. Instead of telling me to supplement she said to let him cry. It was 2:30 in the morning and we had no sleep. I was livid and I let her know it. She was totally different the next day we saw her. My point is they don't know your baby or the situation. It's easy to tell someone to do something they probably wouldn't even do when your not the one in the situation. I get its hard to get to them all the time, but there is no way I could let my baby cry just cause I needed space. I couldn't handle it. I really hope you find a different way to handle your baby and that the video helps you with new ways to soothe your baby.

ashkee05 · July 2016

Ok so to all of you arguing this "cry it out" or letting them cry just a little. What do you do when your baby just won't stop? Cause my dude will freak out for two straight hours. I'll hold him. My husband will hold him. His big brother will hold him. Rock him, throw him in our carrier, stroller, rub his back, tummy time, swaddle, bath, skin to skin, I think you get my point. All while he is screaming his head off. Isn't this technically crying it out and is this equally as damaging?

ahernandez16 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

I hate hearing her scream. It breaks my heart but when she hasnt stoped crying or fussing even when im holding her, i get anxious and stressed and i need that time for myself as well. i have cleared this with her pediatrician and after that point in time she is absolutely addressed. Dont judge me because we are parenting our children differently. Im doing what feels right to me as a parent and doing my best. I posted about this in a separate post about a week ago where i said how i broke down after having to let her cry because there was literally nothing wrong and nothing i could do to soothe her. ive been told by multiple doctors in the pediatrician office that it is okay to let her cry at this age if shes been taken care of

I didn't make any judgement on your parenting or make a statement on mine. I stated facts. I didn't say you didn't hate hearing her scream or that it wasn't heartbreaking. I did say that it's hard to imagine someone can listen to a newborn scream and claim they aren't in distress - which you did. They are. You just may not be able to see it. Example? The bolded phrase. There WAS something wrong... but you couldn't see or fix it. I can appreciate needing to step back from an anxiety inducing situation. Have you talked to your OB about PPD/PPA?

purplefan1 · July 2016

ashkee05 said:

Ok so to all of you arguing this "cry it out" or letting them cry just a little. What do you do when your baby just won't stop? Cause my dude will freak out for two straight hours. I'll hold him. My husband will hold him. His big brother will hold him. Rock him, throw him in our carrier, stroller, rub his back, tummy time, swaddle, bath, skin to skin, I think you get my point. All while he is screaming his head off. Isn't this technically crying it out and is this equally as damaging?

Crying it out is typically a training device used to teach older children to self soothe. Usually used to encourage good sleep habits by teaching children that they do not need a parent to help them go to sleep (so if they wake up middle of the night you don't have to go in and rock them to sleep again just to get them to sleep). Colic is real and is so frustrating. But it is important at this stage that babies have loving touch at all times. So even if they are crying if they are being given attention and love they will not have any negative harm from their crying jags (according to research).

It is imperative though for any one with a high needs baby to have ample support because that is a truly frustrating situation. You are taking someone who is still experiencing hormonal fluctuations, fatigue from lack of sleep, and a seemingly inconsolable child. Recipe for disaster. Can someone, anyone, who can come hold baby and give you a minute to walk away. And it IS ok to put your baby down in their crib and walk away for a few moments to regain your sanity. Too many kids have been shaken by caregivers who were overwhelmed and under supported and should have just taken a step back.

And sometimes, your baby is going to cry and you CANT immediately fix it. Mine hates her car seat and randomly will lose her mind while we are driving home. I can't fix it in that moment. But I can talk to her, tell her it is going to be ok, and put a hand on her. And honestly, if I'm on the toilet in the middle of something, she is going to have to cry for a moment while I finish up.

vintagevix2016 · July 2016

vintagevix86 said:

ashleygray89 said:

Yes, I did baby carrier all day..now I'm In a lot of pain and he screams in anything I put him in,but once he's picked up he's fine. He's had 5 ounces of milk a clean diaper.. idk what else to do.

My 1m old doesn't like being in a carrier unless we are outside. He's been having daily meltdowns for the past 2 weeks (it started with just the afternoons, then crept into the evenings, now he splits the afternoon meltdown and evening meltdown with a long nap). The only things that seemed to calm him down were to walk and rock him simultaneously while holding him up by my shoulder, a bath (a temp fix), and a long ride in the stroller. The stroller is what knocks him out for his long late afternoon/early evening naps (two 3hr naps).

We are trying gripe water now and that seems to calm him but it's hard to administer with the syringe since he always spits it out. It also seems to increase the number of times he spits up during the day, plus I think it makes him grunt all the time. I hardly slept for part of the night because of the constant grunting and had to move him to the nursery earlier than I usually do (we split his evenings between a bassinet in our room and his crib).

Edited to add that the gripe water does make him burp and fart a lot more frequently and with more ease.

Quoting myself for an update.....So the gripe water seemed to take his epic afternoon meltdown down a half a peg (seemed because I feel like I'm looking for any sign that something is helping). I was able to soothe him a little easier (or I'm just getting better at it). The issue now is that he hasn't slept more than 30min all afternoon (fully awake at 10am, meltdown commenced at noon). Usually a ride in the stroller will be enough to make him pass out for 2-3 hrs but no such luck today. I've tried all the techniques to get him sleep and nothing helped.

I'm worried it will effect his nighttime sleep tonight. And, added bonus, I'm flying solo tonight because my husband has to work overtime.

Edit...I realized I'm babbling on and not contributing to the thread topic, sorry about that!!

DSTtots4lyfe · July 2016

adiaz132003 · July 2016

ashkee05 said:

Ok so to all of you arguing this "cry it out" or letting them cry just a little. What do you do when your baby just won't stop? Cause my dude will freak out for two straight hours. I'll hold him. My husband will hold him. His big brother will hold him. Rock him, throw him in our carrier, stroller, rub his back, tummy time, swaddle, bath, skin to skin, I think you get my point. All while he is screaming his head off. Isn't this technically crying it out and is this equally as damaging?

Yes the baby may keep crying but the damage is done more is the sense of their caregiver not being there for them. Babies know when you are trying to calm them and it hen mentally. Think of it this way... You are having the worst day ever, hormones going nuts and you are just sad. Would you rather go it alone or have someone there to just rub your back and say "it's gonna be ok". It may not make the bad thoughts and shitty day stuff go away but it's nice to know someone is there for you. That's how I look at it. Even if I couldn't calm my son when he was crying, at least he knows I'm here if he needs me.

CupcakesRamazing · July 2016

ashkee05 · July 2016

@June2016BabyW @adiaz132003 thank you!! I'm sitting here wondering the difference and you both explained it very well. Although I would prefer to be left alone while angry I know a baby is different. My dude has been so angry screaming for hours lately. I posted about it the other day. My husband and son have been amazing and we all take turns so he is undoubtedly learning he has a strong crew behind him and taking care of him and I have great support myself with the two of them! Also thankful to have this group and all the positive suggestions!! I know we will get through it, thank you again

vintagevix2016 · July 2016

ashkee05 said:

@June2016BabyW @adiaz132003 thank you!! I'm sitting here wondering the difference and you both explained it very well. Although I would prefer to be left alone while angry I know a baby is different. My dude has been so angry screaming for hours lately. I posted about it the other day. My husband and son have been amazing and we all take turns so he is undoubtedly learning he has a strong crew behind him and taking care of him and I have great support myself with the two of them! Also thankful to have this group and all the positive suggestions!! I know we will get through it, thank you again

That's what I keep reminding myself through those difficult periods. We may not be able to soothe them completely and they may still scream and cry, but they know we can be relied upon and that we care. It strengthens the bonds, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time...well that's what I'm telling myself at least

It's also comforting to know you aren't alone, not that I would wish this upon anyone. I've been reaching out to pretty much everyone I know to see who has experience with this and the response has been really uplifting, plusnthis forum has been awesome too. I'm glad your husband and son are there to help out, that can make a huge difference.

My husband worked all day today and is working overtime tonight so this is the first time I don't have his help with this in the evening. It reminds me though of how much just his presence can be a morale booster for me.

bray1214 · July 2016

AOliveira11 said:

I hate hearing her scream. It breaks my heart but when she hasnt stoped crying or fussing even when im holding her, i get anxious and stressed and i need that time for myself as well. i have cleared this with her pediatrician and after that point in time she is absolutely addressed. Dont judge me because we are parenting our children differently. Im doing what feels right to me as a parent and doing my best. I posted about this in a separate post about a week ago where i said how i broke down after having to let her cry because there was literally nothing wrong and nothing i could do to soothe her. ive been told by multiple doctors in the pediatrician office that it is okay to let her cry at this age if shes been taken care of

Honestly I do the same with my little one. I know her moans and groans and cries and if she is fed burped and clean. I'll swaddle her. Un swaddle. Swaddle and walk away with the video monitor a half volume And she'll cry for maybe 5 minutes and fall asleep. When she's over tired I can't do much but let her fall asleep on her own. Of course if her cry changes you check but if it's whining I don't see a problem in letting her cry for 5 minutes. Sometimes my LO has to cry longer then that when I pee

Let them cry it out??

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