In need of a reality check... — The Bump

In need of a reality check...

Hi - my husband and I are going through the home study process and completing our paperwork, profile, photo book, etc. We are working with Agency A (this is an alias for an agency which we have had a great experience with so far). We had our first call with our assigned agency person and the purpose of the call was to go through our profile where we gave what races, medical history, drug use, etc. I would say on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is open to almost nothing and 10 is open to literally everything, I think we're about at a 6 or 7. So pretty open but still a little cautious. 

Our agency person super was nice and knowledgeable during the call and then near the end of the conversation I made an off hand comment that we are really flexible in a lot of areas beyond what we wrote as well but that I guess we'd need to hear more about the opportunity but that "I guess that's how we'd be with some opportunities even if they fit our profile" and she was essentially like WAAAAIT a sec, you aren't presented with a bunch of opportunities to accept or turn down (which we know but it was good for her to be very clear on this) and so I backed up and clarified that oh of course, we definitely don't think we're shopping or something - I just meant that we put down we're open to A, B, C, D, E, F, G medical situations but that what if there were extenuating circumstances and the birth mother had A, B, C, D, E, F, AND G and so did everyone in her extended family - you know something VERY out of the ordinary - I mean in that circumstance it might be different. To which she basically was like "you shouldn't put any of those down if you aren't comfortable accepting a situation where ALL of them are present at the same time" and we're like "99.999% of the time that would NEVER happen though.... so we don't even get the opportunity to say no if it wasn't something we were comfortable with because it was an extreme circumstance?" - "no, you should remove those if you're not comfortable with accepting all of them at the same time." She also mentioned that if we didn't accept the opportunity they matched us with we would probably be dropped from the agency. Long story short - the great feelings and great conversation we had all the way up until then sort of spun out of control and now we're really really freaked out. 

Can anyone provide me with a reality check? Maybe a "stop freaking out, that is a completely ridiculous scenario you're laying out and you're just freaking yourself out"? or maybe you were slightly concerned with that in the beginning and after working through the process you realize that was a silly concern and can provide me that insight? or maybe I'm just thinking about the whole thing the wrong way and need to be called out on that? 

I want to make sure I emphasize that this is NOT a negative review on Agency A (if you can figure out who they are) or anything like that - they seem to be a really great agency. I think maybe that ONE tiny portion of the conversation could have been handled better but I by no means want anyone to take this as a bashing of that agency or that person. 


Re: In need of a reality check...

  • This is what is insane about adoption. The worker you were talking to sounds off her rocker.

    The worst worst worst part of adoption is the process. But it is all worth it in the end.
  • When my husband and I were filling out our paperwork, the whole time I had the mindset that if this was a baby that I was conceiving, would I still continue with the pregnancy if the baby had this or that medical condition.  I know it is so hard to think about this. Especially when they ask about drugs and such, to which my response was "my baby wouldn't have that issue because I would no better."  But then I thought, "it is not this babies fault because of what their mother is doing." I don't know if this helps or not but that is how I went about it. Feel free to like our adoption page if you like!

  • First, I'm glad you shared this experience.  

    My DH and I have been TTC for over 2 years and don't know what the future holds, if it's costly fertility treatments then we need to check all of our options.  

    Yesterday I sat down and researched and left my computer in a very discouraged state.  It seems that we thought we could go through the state but our best option might be private.  We thought the cost would be minimal but private is quite costly in some cases.  We thought we could have a closed adoption but we may need to reconsider given the options.  I thought I was more open to things but I want an infant/newborn and I'm not prepared for major disabilities.

    What I'm trying to say is I don't think you're overreacting.  I think I may be overreacting though!  I have only scratched the surface so hopefully I can get more clarity.  I am glad you shared, it helps to know what to expect.

    Thoughts and prayers to you in your journey!
  • I'm sorry that the agency representative has thrown you for a loop. This part of the process was very overwhelming for us as well. No matter what, all anyone wants is a healthy baby whether it be through adoption or birth. But when you have the option what do you do?! I think that is a great way of thinking Annie71009 and although you are correct that your child may be born with certain conditions and you would love them just the same, there are definately some that would be avoided through the absence of drugs and alcohol during the pregnancy. I wish I could say we are good with whatever the case may be but we did chose some conditions we were good with over others. We selected quite a few disabilities in the end but like you EHeintz it was all very overwhelming and I too felt like if the child had some of these conditions but not all at once, or certain degrees of illness that we could provide the support they needed, I also feel that certain households, lifestyles, and families can support different disabilities better than others. So even through I may not have felt like we could support some disabilities as much as others, I feel that there will be a home for them out there. I had a friend that has been through the adoption process tell me that even though you are matched you still make sure they would be a good fit for your family. And as hard as it would be to say no to a match you are able to do so. Although I have felt great joy through our process so far I have also feel a lot of guilt. It is an emotional roller coaster so don't worry, you are not alone! 
  • There are some disabilities / conditions that are known and documented. Some aren't. I went to a seminar last year. The speakers child has FASD. It was a private adoption. There are no guarantees.

    Unless the parent is dangerous I think closed adoption is worse for the CHILD and therefore, you. I'd read up on adoption!

    Depending on how much and when in the pregnancy drugs and alcohol are consumed each child is affected differently. I'm way more scared of alcohol than drugs. Alcohol damage is permanent. We highly suspect our first adopt kids have alcohol exposure. At this stage it's not significant. I've read how bad it can be later. I'm willing to accept the risk. As pp said the child didn't do it!

    It depends on your area. There are lots of foster babies that go to adoption where I am. We've had placements we love go back to family and there is a grieving process.
  • edited July 2016
    **Removed for TOU violation**

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