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September 2015 Moms
cmommy13
member
Feeling like a failure...please help
cmommy13
member
So it's been a tough month. I'll preface this with I'm thankful for everything and I know things could be much worse ..
To start DS got adenovirus and was extremely sick for 8 days, almost hospitalized. I had to take cool showers with him due to spiking high fevers, vomiting, ect. Pretty much all stress and no sleep. I did all the night stuff like I always do.
Then I go to the dentist and find out I need two oral surgeries. Oh fun. FML.cant take pain medication because I watch DS and am still breastfeeding
DS wants me all the time since he's been sick and is terrified if the crib, I hold him for naps and go to bed with him at night. Literally no break ever. It's too much. Tried letting him fuss it out for 3 min then check on him then 5 min in the crib last night and he got so upset he spit up which he never does. After that I brought him in bed with me and nursed him and he was still whimpering.
My DH can hold him for naps but sometimes has to wear him in the ergo for sleep. DS has 8 teeth and is getting more. Last night he got motrin before attempting crib
I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm thinking of putting him in daycare because I can barely handle it. I love him so much but feel like a failure that I can't get him to sleep anywhere but on me and he's 10 months old. He used to sleep in the crib but I still had to nurse and rock him to sleep and put him in.
I don't want to traumatize him if he's in pain but he literally is always teething and I need a freaking whole nights sleep. He's still night feeding and if I try to stop him he gets mad.
Help....
To start DS got adenovirus and was extremely sick for 8 days, almost hospitalized. I had to take cool showers with him due to spiking high fevers, vomiting, ect. Pretty much all stress and no sleep. I did all the night stuff like I always do.
Then I go to the dentist and find out I need two oral surgeries. Oh fun. FML.cant take pain medication because I watch DS and am still breastfeeding
DS wants me all the time since he's been sick and is terrified if the crib, I hold him for naps and go to bed with him at night. Literally no break ever. It's too much. Tried letting him fuss it out for 3 min then check on him then 5 min in the crib last night and he got so upset he spit up which he never does. After that I brought him in bed with me and nursed him and he was still whimpering.
My DH can hold him for naps but sometimes has to wear him in the ergo for sleep. DS has 8 teeth and is getting more. Last night he got motrin before attempting crib
I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm thinking of putting him in daycare because I can barely handle it. I love him so much but feel like a failure that I can't get him to sleep anywhere but on me and he's 10 months old. He used to sleep in the crib but I still had to nurse and rock him to sleep and put him in.
I don't want to traumatize him if he's in pain but he literally is always teething and I need a freaking whole nights sleep. He's still night feeding and if I try to stop him he gets mad.
Help....
Re: Feeling like a failure...please help
YGPM
DH is a little more able to stay reasonable in stressful situations so he turned my monitor off and took the other into the basement. He would text me to go in at our timed intervals (3, 5 and 10 min). Otherwise I would have just sat there, staring and listening which is basically torture. In the end the only reason I was able to make it through is because in the days leading up and during I surrounded myself with people who loved me and my children but who were also supportive of our plans. I called my mom, I called my sister, I posted in my Mom group and these people reassured me that I wasn't a horrible mother, that I loved my baby but that we (all) needed sleep, a least a little bit.
The thing that helped the most though was when DS2 woke up the next morning rested, happy and no less a Mama's boy than he was when he went to sleep.
However, getting the sleep you so desperately need (and helping baby to get the sleep s/he needs) is so important! Being consistent is even more important with babies this age because they can now begin to understand sequences, routines, etc.
The most important part of Ferber method and how successful it will be is how you handle the interval checks. Remember, your baby will only learn to sleep on his own if he learns to self soothe.
The interval checks are there simply for you to let baby know it's ok and you are there for him, but it is not for you to soothe/comfort them. They must learn to do that on their own. These are the (somewhat redundant) points that I always tried to remember during STing that helped me get through it:
1) If baby cries (whether it be 5 mins, 30 mins, or an hr) and then you go in and nurse or rock them, you have A) disrupted their process of learning to self soothe by doing it for them and B.) reinforced the message to baby that if they just cry harder and longer next time then Mom will come in and nurse or rock them. All of the crying you and baby just endured then was for nothing because you are now no closer to sleep training your baby.
2) The goal is to teach baby to self soothe, not for you to soothe baby. They will often cry harder when you are in there doing the interval checks, that is to be expected. Your checks should only be 1-2 mins long, and consist of you quietly and calmly telling baby that it's ok and you are there for them without picking up or rocking/nursing.
3) Sending mixed messages to baby by letting them cry sometimes, then rocking or nursing other times is confusing. It is also not fair to baby to send mixed messages yet wonder why sleep training isn't working.
4) Baby is fed, clothed, and safe. They are not crying because they think you no longer love them, they are crying because this is new to them and no one likes change. (Even as adults we resist change). A few hours of crying over 2-3 days is a lot less crying than what would occur every day over the course of months or years if baby never learns to self soothe.
5) You are not cruel, selfish, or unloving for wanting your baby to get a full, good nights sleep. The whole family will be happier and healthier when well rested, and you are simply doing what's best for you and your family!
My advice would be to ensure you have a solid, consistent bedtime routine, give Motrin or Tylenol before bed so you can be sure your LO is not crying from pain such as teething, and reattempt only after you are sure that you and your SO are 100% ready and committed.
At the time I sleep trained my baby, he was used to me nursing him to sleep. My husband and I traded off doing the interval checks so that he would not have the expectation that I would always be the one coming in to check on him and that mom=food/comfort nursing. As PP suggested, perhaps letting your SO do the checks or trading off might be helpful. Just be sure you are both consistent in what you do during the 2 minutes you are in there.
Lastly, I recommend reading the book ("Solve our child's slee problems"). It provides a lot of clear rules and tips on how to handle interval checks (and the psychology behind it all) and what to do if baby is sick, in pain, traveling, or anything else that can disrupt their ability to self soothe and STTN. The hardest part of sleep training (and parenting in general) is wondering if you are doing the right thing and if you are doing it the right way. Reading the book eliminated those doubts for me. It gave me the confidence to do sleep training to begin with, it gave me the confidence to be consistent even when baby was crying hard, and it gave me the confidence to be 100% committed because I understood the reasoning behind the method and I knew I was executing it correctly. It is an easy read, and only costs $12.
Good luck, hope you get some good rest soon!
I should mention that that we sleep trained several months ago- before teething, standing in crib, separation anxiety, etc. I know that those things make it more challenging so don't beat yourself up if it takes a little longer at this age. I believe Ferber says in his book that if a week has gone by with no improvement, to hit the pause button and try again later. Also, he says that many times night 2 is typically the worst as far as the crying goes (this wasn't the case for us, though it was for some of our friends). So, just be ready for the crying to get a little worse on night 2 before it gets better.
I was all prepared to do it again, but this LO slept long stretches right from the start and fell asleep alone in her bassinet-totally different creature! She sleeps happily in a crib for 2 naps and overnight (1-2 waking), nurse til her eyes are half shut then lay her down and leave.
We used the Ferber method, checking on him every 5-15 minutes tops. He would usually put himself to sleep by 15 minutes. Yes, there was crying and the first night it broke my heart. I had to occupy myself with something else and turn the monitor down because it just pulled at my heartstrings. We used the same method for bedtime and naps, and at childcare, so it was consistent every time. I would nurse him before bed, but make sure he didn't fall asleep while nursing, walk him to his room, give him a big hug and kiss, tell him goodnight, and lay him down with his lovies (a 6x6 inch taggies blanket and froggy pacifier).
A few days after trying this consistently, he was falling asleep at bedtime with no crying. A week later and he was falling asleep at nap time with no crying. There are still days when he'll whine or cry a bit before going to bed, but it's nothing like it was those first few nights.
Definitely try enlisting your husband's help if it's too hard for you or if baby is more attached to you. My LO is a definite momma's boy, so he's always fallen asleep much easier for his dad (when he knows he's not getting any milk from him either!).
Good luck momma!
Last night we started and did 3 then 5 then 8 minute checks and he cried for 30 minutes then slept 8 hours straight I could hardly believe it.
I took your advice and did not pick him up during checks and it helped a lot.
He only fussed for like a minute before falling asleep after nursing at 4 am and slept another couple hours MAGIC
I know tonight will be harder but seeing such a huge improvement in one night just made me even more committed.
Thank you all
We gave him tylenol before bed because he's teething and he fell asleep in 6 minutes! Amazing!
However he woke up after the tylenol wore off and seemed to have way more trouble falling asleep. Tried to do checks but he would almost fall asleep then cry out in pain so at 2 am I brought him into bed and he nursed to sleep.
How does everyone handle when they won't sooth back to sleep in the middle of the night. I choose comfort nursing instead of more medicine.
All advice appreciated!
Its also fine to nurse to sleep MOTN and won't disrupt your progress at bedtime as long as MOTN means after 12 am! Arbitrary time I know but if LO's first wake is too close to bedtime you can essentially "reset" going down awake.