How long do you let your baby cry?

lwcbrooklyn · July 2016

I searched this topic, but didn't find it for newborns. How long do you let your baby cry? I'm not talking about night time sleep training, I mean during the day when baby is fussy. My 1 month old is pretty fussy. At the one month appointment, the doctor said that if she is fed and just being fussy, I need to put her down and just let her cry for 10 to 15 minutes, otherwise I'll end up holding her all day. Which is true -my little girl does not like to be put down. She won't sit in her bouncer for more than a couple of minutes before crying, so I find i'm holding her virtually all day. I try the ergo baby or baby k'tan. She does well in those when I go for walks or on errands, but she doesn't love it for just around the apartment. So, I've let her cry for 10 minutes tops (unheld) once or twice a day for the past few days and it's torture! She usually falls asleep within minutes of being picked up, then it's a crap shoot if she'll stay asleep when I put her back down. I get that babies cry, and if she eventually fell asleep unheld I'd be more comfortable -but I feel like I'm just torturing her! Anyone have input on this? On the flip side -she's a great night sleeper.

PYLWhammy · July 2016

10 to 15 minutes? I maybe let her cry a minute, or a few minutes if I'm doing something (like grabbing a bottle). We do end up holding her most of the day, but we know it's temporary..she won't be a newborn for long.

tgortney · July 2016

Literally, like 5 mins. I can't stand to let him cry. When I go to pick him up, the tears, snot, and pouty lip kill me. But sometimes I gotta eat or use the bathroom or clean the puke off my body. Ya know?!

I usually make sure he's full, has a clean butt, and set somewhere safe before I have to go do all the things mentioned above.

NewbySweet · July 2016

I don't let her cry it out, I think she's too young. Sometimes she's just fussing and I leave her for 5 mins and she might go back to sleep but I don't leave her any longer than that. It breaks my heart listening to her cry! It's the only way to communicate with me that somethings wrong or she's not comfortable so I can't ignore her. We all have different opinions though I guess!

Merinmac · July 2016

The only time I've let LO cry that long is when she had a meltdown in the car and I couldn't help her till we got home. And it was torture. Normally, it's maybe 3-5 min, tops, while I fix a bottle or use the bathroom.

My LO is only now at 7 weeks at the point where I can set her down and she'll amuse herself for a little while. Before that, she was the same as yours, always had to be held. It is hard, but as PP said, it's temporary. I try to enjoy the snuggles and not worry about my messy house since she'll be fighting to get away soon enough.

I'm really surprised at your pediatrician for that suggestion. I imagine she's saying it won't hurt your baby to cry for a while if you know she's fed and changed, but I don't know too many moms that would be able to enjoy their "freedom" if their baby was screaming. Especially when you know all she wants is to be held. Just do what you gotta do, mama. Don't feel like you have to run and grab her at the first squawk, but also don't feel like you have to leave her crying if it upsets you.

lizChesnut · July 2016

Ya screw that. If that's what you wanna do then fine. But if not, then scoop that baby and snuggle away. Before we know it they'll be mobile and they won't want us any more lol. Let's enjoy our lack of freedom while we can.

slfezz · July 2016

I've had to leave the baby crying outside of car rides for 10 minutes sometimes while I'm dealing with my other two kids (bedtimes, diaper changes, baths, etc).

Having a baby cry for 10 minutes isn't going to do any lasting harm as long and you can handle hearing the crying. Just remember the happy mommy, happy baby rule. If you need to put your baby down for a little break for your sanity, that's okay. If you want to hold your baby all day because that makes you happy, that's okay too and you are not spoiling LO.

Kurrant · July 2016

MH is really into letting her cry and is usually trying to pressure me into it. In the past when Lucine was having issues latching he would come over and take her from me and say "this has to stop! She needs to learn that crying gets her nothing". He stopped doing this now that I mostly have him understanding that she has no other way to talk to us to let us know what she wants. When I know all of her needs are met and she is still crying and fussy I will sit in her visual range and let her know that I know she is crying and that I am still right there. She usually settles down soon after and if she doesn't within 3 - 5 minutes I will pick her up and give her snuggles for a bit and try again. 10 - 15 minutes would kill me.

Do do what you feel is right for you and baby. Don't be pressured into letting her cry if you don't want to.

kwrightnb · July 2016

I know exactly how you feel. My little one has been extremely fussy and I was always running to him right away as soon as he started crying. Around week 5 we started giving him about 5 minutes, then go over and talking to him (without picking him up) until he settled down a bit. Then I would walk away again and finish what I'm doing. I usually do it a couple of times and if he stills crying I pick him up for 15 minutes or so.
Yes, most times I'm holding him the majority of the day, but when something needs to be done (make up formula, prepare supper, etc) I put him down.
Some people have other views but I really think independence is healthy for the little guy, and he can learn that just because mommy isn't holding him, doesn't mean I'm not there. and when I go back to school I know for a fact our babysitter is not going to have time to carry him in his arms all day.
Now at 8 weeks old, he sits comfortably by himself for about 20-25 minutes before he needs to be held again.

Jenly17 · July 2016

Kurrant said:

MH is really into letting her cry and is usually trying to pressure me into it. In the past when Lucine was having issues latching he would come over and take her from me and say "this has to stop! She needs to learn that crying gets her nothing". He stopped doing this now that I mostly have him understanding that she has no other way to talk to us to let us know what she wants. When I know all of her needs are met and she is still crying and fussy I will sit in her visual range and let her know that I know she is crying and that I am still right there. She usually settles down soon after and if she doesn't within 3 - 5 minutes I will pick her up and give her snuggles for a bit and try again. 10 - 15 minutes would kill me.

Do do what you feel is right for you and baby. Don't be pressured into letting her cry if you don't want to.

What the what!? I'm sorry I know this is off topic, but if this was my H I would cut him!! I'm happy to hear that he's not doing this to you anymore, but it makes me so sad listening to everything you've gone through @Kurrant.

OP- I can let DS cry for maybe 5 mins tops and it's usually because my toddler is doing something dangerous trying to get my attention. It's like battle of the babies trying to get mommy's attention at all times. Usually the toddler wins and baby boy has to cry a little bit.

JoMunson · July 2016

I let Ezra cry for maybe 30 seconds (unless I'm like in the bathroom or doing something I can't drop right away). Ezra's now 8 weeks and his cries have become noticeable to me, so I know if he's crying because he's tired and wants help falling asleep, frustrated at something and wants soothing, or is hungry. I really don't believe crying is very helpful in long bursts because 1. It's stressful for everyone involved and 2. If he cries and never gets help he learns to stop asking.
ezra and your baby sound similar. Unless he's sacked out he really prefers being held to being sat down somewhere. I try and save my other chores and stuff for when he's sleeping and remind myself that he won't be this way forever and he really does absolutely need me right now.

Charla1224 · July 2016

I don't let LO cry it out but I don't always pick her up. I know I'm in the minority on this but.... at night when she's fed, changed, falls asleep, I lay her down and she starts crying because she wants me to continue holding her I sing, rub her back, whisper to her and do everything but pick her up. I don't believe you can spoil an infant but I do believe you can develop routines and habits. I make sure to soothe her and let her know I'm there. She never just cries alone. But I don't always hold her, especially not while she sleeps.

wamam027 · July 2016

Charla1224 said:

I don't let LO cry it out but I don't always pick her up. I know I'm in the minority on this but.... at night when she's fed, changed, falls asleep, I lay her down and she starts crying because she wants me to continue holding her I sing, rub her back, whisper to her and do everything but pick her up. I don't believe you can spoil an infant but I do believe you can develop routines and habits. I make sure to soothe her and let her know I'm there. She never just cries alone. But I don't always hold her, especially not while she sleeps.

100% this. Although sometimes I do let DD cry alone. When she's been held majority of the day and is fed, has a clean diaper, and is simply crying for the sake of being picked back up, I'll leave her in her swing or in her crib to cry for up to 10 mins sometimes depending on what I'm trying to get done. As long as I know she's taken care of and I know that she's crying for the sake of wanting to be held, I figure it won't hurt her to cry for 5-10 min while I wash pump parts, go pee, eat, shower, fold laundry mow the lawn. I've got she, the dogs, and the entire house to take care of solo and I can't afford to hold a baby all day and all night long, especially when she's otherwise ok. 90% of the time she will fall asleep or play with her hands and will calm down and stop crying anyway, and the other 10% of the time she stops the second I'm able to tend to her and pick her back up.

tgortney · July 2016

Charla1224 said:

I don't let LO cry it out but I don't always pick her up. I know I'm in the minority on this but.... at night when she's fed, changed, falls asleep, I lay her down and she starts crying because she wants me to continue holding her I sing, rub her back, whisper to her and do everything but pick her up. I don't believe you can spoil an infant but I do believe you can develop routines and habits. I make sure to soothe her and let her know I'm there. She never just cries alone. But I don't always hold her, especially not while she sleeps.

Yes! This! I try to soothe him in other ways than just holding him.

JoMunson · July 2016

I will also add that night time is the only time I don't pick Ez up right away. Brazelton says you want to be careful picking your baby up too much at night as they can be crying because they're over stimulated and you picking them up can stimulate them more.

Bellodomani · July 2016

@JoMunson Both my babies have definitely fallen into that category- it goes against my instincts to do this, but when they're crying in the evenings in particular, 9 times out of 10 they want to be laid down and have you walk away. It's particularly hard to explain to family members who hear them fussing and think they should rock, shush, etc and look at me like I'm crazy when I say no, just lay them down and walk away.

@Jenly17 I totally feel you on the toddler winning. I was just thinking today that I let this baby cry way more often than my first, and is it bad that when they both need something at the same time I almost always choose my toddler? But listening to a baby fuss is sooo much more tolerable than listening to a toddler meltdown.

lwcbrooklyn · July 2016

This is all really helpful - thank you everyone! I do make sure to get something done in the 10 minutes I let her cry- 1. to try and distract myself, and 2. because I gotta get some chores done somehow! I agree with other Moms who soothe without picking up. I do that too - I'll rub her belly and talk to her so she knows I'm here. But also helpful to hear from moms that in a couple of weeks she should be able to entertain herself for a little longer when put down.

JessicaB0627 · July 2016

@Bellodomani @Jenly17 I'm with you both on the toddler mayhem! I feel awful for letting DD2 cry sometimes but I can only ask DD1 to hold on so many times until she has a meltdown.

DD2 also needs to be laid down and left to fuss sometimes to fall asleep. I can try to comfort her in every way but she won't fall asleep until I lay her down and let her fuss. She also sometimes cries for me to lay her down while she's awake, too. She's so much more independent than DD1 so it's taking some getting used to on my end.

camillaandcarson · July 2016

Jenly17 sai

OP- I can let DS cry for maybe 5 mins tops and it's usually because my toddler is doing something dangerous trying to get my attention. It's like battle of the babies trying to get mommy's attention at all times. Usually the toddler wins and baby boy has to cry a little bit.

This.

My first I didn't let baby cry very long. To me as a new mom when possible baby came first. (Dishes and laundry dead last haha).
I became very good at doing things one handed. I really loved carrying and holding my baby.

I don't regret a second of it because it turns out baby wasn't a piece of fruit and never spoiled.

That baby is now a toddler and my holding privileges are few and far between as my toddler is busy and has a lot on their daily go go go agenda.

This baby I still hate the cries but it is a battle of the babies sometimes because a dirty toddler butt can't wait and sometimes the toddler is doing really dangerous things and there is no choice.
But this is my last and I want to soak up these cuddles because I understand crystal clear with this toddler running around non stop that these little babies don't keep. It goes by when you least expect it.
So enjoy holding your newborn baby while you still can as much as you want

Bellodomani · July 2016

@camillaandcarson Whenever I feel guilty/ conflicted about attending to the toddler before the baby, I try to remind myself that when I was born my mom had a 1 year old, a 3 year old, and a 4 year old so I'm sure my needs never came first and I turned out to be a relatively high functioning adult. It still does kind of kill me to hear her cry but it helps me get through whatever it is that needs to get done at the moment without feeling too anxious.

cortney626 · July 2016

I wouldn't let LO cry it out. But I do agree that if you need a break, it's perfectly ok to set the baby down in a safe place and walk in the other room if they're crying. The longest I've let her cry was when I was driving and it was time to eat. I ended up pulling over and feeding her. But other than that, she only cries if you take too long with the bottle or when I change her clothes. She's pretty content all the time. I don't have to rock her to sleep, she wakes up laughing, she can hang out in her bouncer. So it's not too often I need to run to her if she's fussing. It usually means she needs to eat.

Pascal86 · July 2016

I'm so used to my dogs barking forever that a lot of times I tune then out and don't realize they're going crazy until they've been going at it for like 5 minutes. I think they've desensitized me to loud annoying sounds because I'm kind of like this with the baby too - not 5 minutes, but I'll go a good minute before it really registers with me that I need to take action. Then it might be another couple of minutes before I get to her. So far she's survived!

ayeshaohara · July 2016

cortney626 said:

I wouldn't let LO cry it out. But I do agree that if you need a break, it's perfectly ok to set the baby down in a safe place and walk in the other room if they're crying. The longest I've let her cry was when I was driving and it was time to eat. I ended up pulling over and feeding her. But other than that, she only cries if you take too long with the bottle or when I change her clothes. She's pretty content all the time. I don't have to rock her to sleep, she wakes up laughing, she can hang out in her bouncer. So it's not too often I need to run to her if she's fussing. It usually means she needs to eat.

This is the same for my LO. If she's crying there's a reason because she doesn't do it often other than asking for food. That said i'll leave her for at least 5 minutes to cry it out when i know she's fed and changed and just wants to whine, like at 6am!

LadySamLady · July 2016

I don't let my LO cry for more than a few minutes before picking her up if she's down, but I put her down often when she's fussing because sometimes she just needs some "alone" time. Overstimulation bothers her more than a dirty diaper or hunger even and I've learned that removing stimulus calms her down really quickly. I do need to start letting her figure out how to fall asleep on her own but it's so hard. I know she can do it because she does in the middle of the night, she'll wake up and cry out a few times before settling herself back down to sleep, but I've had no luck putting her down awake so far. She goes from zero to freak out really quickly until I pick her up and rock her to sleep.

CUtiger09 · July 2016

LadySamLady said:

I don't let my LO cry for more than a few minutes before picking her up if she's down, but I put her down often when she's fussing because sometimes she just needs some "alone" time. Overstimulation bothers her more than a dirty diaper or hunger even and I've learned that removing stimulus calms her down really quickly. I do need to start letting her figure out how to fall asleep on her own but it's so hard. I know she can do it because she does in the middle of the night, she'll wake up and cry out a few times before settling herself back down to sleep, but I've had no luck putting her down awake so far. She goes from zero to freak out really quickly until I pick her up and rock her to sleep.

Mine does that too. If I leave her alone in the middle of the night she will fall back asleep but I have not mastered putting her down drowsy but awake. We will keep working on it but I'm doing whatever it takes to get her to sleep at night. It works because most of the time she will sleep at least 7 hours.

missnc77 · July 2016

I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months.

I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"

CUtiger09 · July 2016

missnc77 said:

I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months.

I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"

I've just read about the drowsy but awake thing and I agree that before 3 months, it's just about impossible.

As long as she's somewhere safe, I'll try to get a few things done. If she's just fussing a little bit, I'll give her some time to settle down but if she's fully crying and having a meltdown, I'll go and get her.

BlueJuice · July 2016

Not really longer than a few minutes, if I'm in the middle of something that can't easily be interrupted, or if I have to set him down in order to accomplish something necessary, like taking a pan out of the oven or washing my hands after a diaper change or going to the bathroom. I'm of the opinion that developmentally it's important for babies of this age to learn that the world is responsive and they can trust their caregivers to respond to their cries, which informs my philosophy as well, but the most important thing I'm seeing in your post is that you, yourself, aren't really comfortable with letting her cry that long. So don't do it. This is definitely not the sort of thing you have to suck up and do anyway for your baby's benefit.

Bellodomani · July 2016

CUtiger09 said:

missnc77 said:

I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months.

I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"

I've just read about the drowsy but awake thing and I agree that before 3 months, it's just about impossible.

As long as she's somewhere safe, I'll try to get a few things done. If she's just fussing a little bit, I'll give her some time to settle down but if she's fully crying and having a meltdown, I'll go and get her.

It's not so much that it's impossible before 3 months- that very much depends on each baby's temperament. It's more that it's not necessary before 3 months because they can't anticipate patterns yet, so bedtime routines aren't too important, and they won't develop object permanence for a few more months so they won't wake up all night long trying to replicate whatever circumstances (bouncing, rocking, nursing, etc) were occurring when they went to bed.

businessmama · July 2016

Bellodomani said:

CUtiger09 said:

missnc77 said:

I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months.

I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"

I've just read about the drowsy but awake thing and I agree that before 3 months, it's just about impossible.

As long as she's somewhere safe, I'll try to get a few things done. If she's just fussing a little bit, I'll give her some time to settle down but if she's fully crying and having a meltdown, I'll go and get her.

It's not so much that it's impossible before 3 months- that very much depends on each baby's temperament. It's more that it's not necessary before 3 months because they can't anticipate patterns yet, so bedtime routines aren't too important, and they won't develop object permanence for a few more months so they won't wake up all night long trying to replicate whatever circumstances (bouncing, rocking, nursing, etc) were occurring when they went to bed.

Agreed. I put down my son 80% of the time drowsy... Not to say he doesn't refuse and I go back some of the time, but he falls asleep more often than not

lalala2004 · July 2016

This is sad to me.

First, don't take parenting advice from your pediatrician or anyone else for that matter unless you ask for and agree with it. Pediatricians are experts in childhood diseases and children's health, not nutrition, sleep, overall development, etc. This seems to be a common misconception.

I don't let him cry for any amount of time really. If he just fusses a minute I'll wait to see what happens, but that's about it. If we're in the car, I'm in the restroom, or in the middle of something really important, yes, I'll let him cry a bit to take care of it, but I can hardly stand it.

If it really doesn't bother you, fine, it will not hurt a baby to cry for just a few minutes, but if it does bother you, there is a biological reason for that. These babies rely on us. I don't feel the need to push him towards independence. That will happen soon enough. This is the way I see it:

One day, he won't want to cuddle anymore.

I will never regret a time I held my son.

I will never regret that I didn't always keep up with the dishes, laundry, and cleaning.

I may regret any moment of time I missed out on, because once it's gone, it's gone. Look how fast they've grown already? It won't slow down, so I'm going to relish in it and enjoy it instead of looking forward to when he is more independent, as wonderful as that will be.

Practically: I do a lot of baby wearing and do a lot one handed.

I understand not everyone will agree or share the same parenting philosophy, but I encourage everyone to listen to their instincts and try to ignore advice and cultural "norms" and do what you feel is best.

LadySamLady · July 2016

@lalala2004 PREACH.

yogahh · July 2016

What @lalala2004 said

saladflambe · July 2016

5-10 minutes but once I had to let her cry 15-20 because I had something I just HAD to do - she was fed and dry and safe. Life has to continue you know.

JoMunson · July 2016

LadySamLady said:

@lalala2004 PREACH.

YES!!
i think we often forget our pediatricians aren't baby experts. They went to med school just like every other doctor and learned about common childhood ailments and how to keep AVERAGE kids physically healthy. They are NOT nutritionists or behavioral experts. My DH revealed to me that doctors don't even get very much training on these issues, which sort of blew my mind "they go to a seminar over a weekend to get a new credential" he told me.
now, I love my kids Doctor. She's well trained, she makes me feel good about my parenting choices, and I think she knows what she's doing to keep Ezra healthy from diseases. But I'm not going to expect her to know anything about keeping an above average height child healthy on a vegan diet or appropriate behavior choices.

seasalt123 · July 2016

@jomunson that is also often true of GPs and OBs as well. I used to get the worst nutritional advice from my OB when I was pregnant. All of which was unnecessary since my boy was growing at an above average rate despite a compromised, ripped up, garbage placenta. I used to just glaze over when she spoke.

JoMunson · July 2016

seasalt123 said:

@jomunson that is also often true of GPs and OBs as well. I used to get the worst nutritional advice from my OB when I was pregnant. All of which was unnecessary since my boy was growing at an above average rate despite a compromised, ripped up, garbage placenta. I used to just glaze over when she spoke.

Same! They told me to eat eggs and chicken breast even though I had mentioned several times I was vegan (and have strong opinions about how unhealthy that food is!).

seasalt123 · July 2016

JoMunson said:

seasalt123 said:

@jomunson that is also often true of GPs and OBs as well. I used to get the worst nutritional advice from my OB when I was pregnant. All of which was unnecessary since my boy was growing at an above average rate despite a compromised, ripped up, garbage placenta. I used to just glaze over when she spoke.

Same! They told me to eat eggs and chicken breast even though I had mentioned several times I was vegan (and have strong opinions about how unhealthy that food is!).

We have differing opinions on what's optimally healthy or not but that's all cool. What I can't stand is what you've described - doctors ignoring what you've told them about how you intend to eat. They should be offering you vegan nutritional advice or, better yet, keeping quiet if that's not their core expertise. Similarly, I don't eat grains and was constantly getting brown bread and scones shoved at me as the solution to all my problems. So frustrating!

Want a personalized experience?

How long do you let your baby cry?

Re: How long do you let your baby cry?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards