If you have older kids - when/how to tell?

Partyof6? · July 2016

My older kids are 7,7 and 5. Obviously when little sister was born, my twins were too young to really know what was going on. I had a miscarriage this March, and for that baby, we had told them when we told other family at like 6 weeks, but only because we were at Disneyworld with the whole family and it affected things there. They were really excited and very caring and loving. Untelling them was awful. They have asked, multiple times when I will have another baby.

Now that I am pregnant again, I don't know when to tell them, or how. We had an u/s last week at 6w1d and will have another next Friday. If everything is going well, I think I will want to tell them then. Realistically I know that anything can happen any time. I am just not sure how to do it. I also am worrying that if I get much sicker with symptoms they are going to be concerned that something is wrong with me. Since it is summer, we are all together all day everyday.

Sorry to ramble, just wondered what everyone else is doing with older kids, especially if you have had a loss.

MrsDramaK · July 2016

I don't have experience with this but if you search the board there is already a thread on this topic. Good luck!

Partyof6? · July 2016

MrsDramaK said:

I don't have experience with this but if you search the board there is already a thread on this topic. Good luck!

Oh crud, I must not have gone back far enough. Have they actually fixed the search box in the six years or so I have been gone? Lol.

thehappyphotog · July 2016

We are in the same situation. We had 3 losses last year, one late first trimester. My kids are 19, 10, 8 and 3. The kids knew about that baby and were super excited. They took the miscarriage very hard, cried a lot, asked a lot of questions, begged for another baby regularly. We actually just sat them down and told them yesterday after seeing a strong hb on ultrasound. I am pretty sick and exhausted this time and they were starting to figure it out. We wanted to tell them together and not at the spur of the moment if one of them asked (I wouldn't lie). They were thrilled! My daughter asked us to "prove it" lol so it's a good thing we had ultrasound photos! She asked if she could sleep with them last night. At dinner tonight, my 8 year old said grace and asked God to let this baby live and I started to cry. They are feeling the heartache and worry too. That's hard, but I just try to remember that I can't protect them from everything and we are all in this family together. We can all hope for the best together.

kswiger06 · July 2016

**Could be a trigger***

Like what was previously mentioned I think there is a thread that has some info on this, but that was a while ago and I didn't tell my kids at the time, but I have told them now. My kiddos are 9 and 7. We just told them hey you guys are gonna have a baby brother or baby sister. However I have never been exposed to loss from any family or friends as an adult. (My aunt had a loss but I was a baby) this is my first exposure to all that (on this site) and I got really nervous about the risk of loss, so I'm not sure if I did the best thing or not but I gently explained to my kids that there is a possibility of the baby not making it. They of course asked a million questions but I felt like I'd rather them know it could happen. If I would have the misfortune of a loss, I can tell my kids something like remember mommy told you sometimes it doesn't work out... I hope it doesn't come to that but I feel that them knowing it could happen will make them more accepting if it did happen. Plus once my kids were told I could relax and explain to them why I was always feeling sick and napping. I'm not sure if this is of any use to you or not, but that's what happened when we told our kids.

MommaBean · July 2016

Our son is 7 and we haven't told him yet and don't really have a plan... I'm thinking after the 1st tri/12 w u/s. He's going to be so excited, but I figure February is like an eternity away to him, so no rush. I also didn't want to tell him too early bc of the risk of having to un-tell him, as PPs have mentioned. He's so sensitive

Partyof6? · July 2016

Thanks guys. I did go back and find the other thread and I appreciate the responses. I selfishly want to tell them because they are going to be excited, and frankly, they would be more helpful around here if they knew why.

::TW::

When we had to tell them I lost the baby it was awful. My oldest daughter cried and was really sad for a few days. My son, who has anxiety, was just really worried about all the details, and if we had to give the stuffed animal back that we bought for the baby in Disney world. We basically just explained that the baby stopped growing and was too tiny to be born. They have stopped asking if we are going to have another, but my daughter I guess had a whole conversation with my mom yesterday about "when Mommy has a baby, we will share a room, and she can have half my closet". My mom thought she knew what was going on, but I think it was just wishful thinking.

hispenguin · July 2016

My DD is 5. We had decided to wait till around week 10 to tell her, but we let it slip in conversation when talking about an appointment. She is excited, and loves to talk about it to us. She is also very realistic as well. We were open with her when doing fertility treatments and knew that things might work, but they also might not.

Starfish113 · July 2016

We told the kids last week because we went away on vacation and I was puking the whole time. They are 6, 8, and 10 and very very excited. I would have waited longer but it was impossible to hide. We also ended up telling DH's family down there for the same reason.

silvercamaro77 · July 2016

Our kids are a little younger at 4.5 and almost 3, but we told them after we had the ultrasound and heard the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks. I was as excited to tell them as they were to find out, although I swear DD already knew based on her actions for the few weeks before. We haven't experienced a loss yet, but we decided that if a loss were to happen we would rather go through it as a family rather than trying to handle it without their knowing.

kswiger06 · July 2016

It's crazy, there have been several people now, including myself, who have kids who seemed to "know" before they were told. It's kinda creepy if you really think about it... @Partyof6? That sounds rough with the kids getting so upset. I'm sorry you had to go through that. FX that all goes great this time!

creedbratton · July 2016

My son is 4. We told him after our first ultrasound last week. I was 9 weeks. I'm not sure that was the right thing, but I'd been so sick I just wanted to get it out in the open. He also really wants a baby brother or sister and talked about it a lot, so it's fun he's so excited now. We explained it would be a long time using after Christmas as a reference and he seemed to understand that somewhat. I do worry about having to untell, but it felt right at the time.

JulesFo · July 2016

My two kids are 4 and 7 -- we had a m/c in April 2015. We plan on waiting until after the first u/s (mine is around 9 weeks) to say anything to them. Partly because of wanting to protect them in anything happens but also bc we don't want them to have to keep a secret and we aren't ready for the entire town to know.

As I'm sure you know, there's no "right" time, so I'm sure you'll find the best one for you and your fam. Best of luck to you!

blush64 · July 2016

When I was pregnant with my second I told my first when I was showing enough for him to notice. He was a bit over 2 so he didn't understand too much. For losses, even late none of my kids knew and I am glad.

By the time I was pregnant with my daughter my sons were old enough to just tell them. I waited until about 8 or 9 weeks. They were teenagers. Should we ever have another I will tell my daughter when I am showing.

For this my sons knew a year before we transferred because of the situation. My daughter will know closer to the end. (We have books to help explain-The kangaroo pouch etc)

Starfish113 · July 2016

@kswiger06, I agree! My 6 year old totally made comments about a baby before we told her. Like, "when you have a baby...." which is weird because this was a surprise so it's not like we ever discussed the possibility of one!

bdesterhouse · July 2016

We haven't told our five year old yet. It's a year this month that we lost his sister at 32 weeks and our son still talks about her daily. He still gets upset that she is t here and doesn't understand. My husband doesn't want to tell him, for fear of how it will affect him if we experience another loss. my son makes comments as though he already knows. He knew he was having a sister last time before I even knew I was pregnant. He told a lady in the grocery store! Talk about embarrassing. I believe kids have ways of knowing these things though.

Partyof6? · July 2016

@bdesterhouse I am so sorry for your previous loss. In your situation, I can imagine the hesitation your husband has. At the same time, I think there is no safe time.

I think when we tell our kids it will have to be with some explantation of caution. But like you mentioned, I suspect on some level, my kids already know, at least my oldest daughter.

aadamson12 · July 2016

We haven't told our DDs yet (2 and almost 5). We had a 16 week loss in February and I was glad we hadn't told them yet. I just feel like it's so far away for them to wait. We will probably tell them once I start to show. Although the other day my 4 year old brought home a picture she drew and told me there was a baby in my tummy.

momousekee · July 2016

I'm 8w+5 and haven't told my 12 year old daughter yet. Things just keep coming up. I didn't want to tell her before she spent last week with my MIL because she can't keep her mouth shut and we aren't telling MIL yet.

We're supposed to go Disneyland at 10+2, so I was going to tell her this week. Now my husband's sprained his ankle (both low and high). He can't go to DL and may not be capable of taking care of himself so I can go without him.

If we cancel the DL trip, I'll probably wait to tell her until I get the results of the NIPT back around 11 weeks. If we go to DL, I'll tell her a bit earlier.

SweetT · July 2016

We told our 3yo (4 in Oct) daughter today at 8+4. My inlaws are coming next week for the week and we plan on telling them then and I don't want her finding out from mil.
She was very excited but when I explained how long she had to wait she calmed down. She just keeps saying she hopes its a sister.

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