May 2016 Moms

How long do you let your baby cry?

I searched this topic, but didn't find it for newborns.  How long do you let your baby cry?  I'm not talking about night time sleep training, I mean during the day when baby is fussy.  My 1 month old is pretty fussy.  At the one month appointment, the doctor said that if she is fed and just being fussy, I need to put her down and just let her cry for 10 to 15 minutes, otherwise I'll end up holding her all day. Which is true -my little girl does not like to be put down.   She won't sit in her bouncer for more than a couple of minutes before crying, so I find i'm holding her virtually all day.  I try the ergo baby or baby k'tan. She does well in those when I go for walks or on errands, but she doesn't love it for just around the apartment.   So, I've let her cry for 10 minutes tops (unheld) once or twice a day for the past few days and it's torture!  She usually falls asleep within minutes of being picked up, then it's a crap shoot if she'll stay asleep when I put her back down.  I get that babies cry, and if she eventually fell asleep unheld I'd be more comfortable -but I feel like I'm just torturing her!  Anyone have input on this? On the flip side -she's a great night sleeper.

Re: How long do you let your baby cry?

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  • I don't let her cry it out, I think she's too young. Sometimes she's just fussing and I leave her for 5 mins and she might go back to sleep but I don't leave her any longer than that. It breaks my heart listening to her cry! It's the only way to communicate with me that somethings wrong or she's not comfortable so I can't ignore her. We all have different opinions though I guess! 
  • Ya screw that. If that's what you wanna do then fine.  But if not, then scoop that baby and snuggle away. Before we know it they'll be mobile and they won't want us any more lol. Let's enjoy our lack of freedom while we can. 

  • slfezzslfezz member
    I've had to leave the baby crying outside of car rides for 10 minutes sometimes while I'm dealing with my other two kids (bedtimes, diaper changes, baths, etc).

    Having a baby cry for 10 minutes isn't going to do any lasting harm as long and you can handle hearing the crying. Just remember the happy mommy, happy baby rule. If you need to put your baby down for a little break for your sanity, that's okay. If you want to hold your baby all day because that makes you happy, that's okay too and you are not spoiling LO. 
  • I know exactly how you feel. My little one has been extremely fussy and I was always running to him right away as soon as he started crying. Around week 5 we started giving him about 5 minutes, then go over and talking to him (without picking him up) until he settled down a bit. Then I would walk away again and finish what I'm doing. I usually do it a couple of times and if he stills crying I pick him up for 15 minutes or so. 
    Yes, most times I'm holding him the majority of the day, but when something needs to be done (make up formula, prepare supper, etc) I put him down. 
    Some people have other views but I really think independence is healthy for the little guy, and he can learn that just because mommy isn't holding him, doesn't mean I'm not there. and when I go back to school I know for a fact our babysitter is not going to have time to carry him in his arms all day. 
    Now at 8 weeks old, he sits comfortably by himself for about 20-25 minutes before he needs to be held again. 
  • I let Ezra cry for maybe 30 seconds (unless I'm like in the bathroom or doing something I can't drop right away). Ezra's now 8 weeks and his cries have become noticeable to me, so I know if he's crying because he's tired and wants help falling asleep, frustrated at something and wants soothing, or is hungry. I really don't believe crying is very helpful in long bursts because 1. It's stressful for everyone involved and 2. If he cries and never gets help he learns to stop asking.
    ezra and your baby sound similar. Unless he's sacked out he really prefers being held to being sat down somewhere. I try and save my other chores and stuff for when he's sleeping and remind myself that he won't be this way forever and he really does absolutely need me right now.
  • I don't let LO cry it out but I don't always pick her up. I know I'm in the minority on this but.... at night when she's fed, changed, falls asleep, I lay her down and she starts crying because she wants me to continue holding her I sing, rub her back, whisper to her and do everything but pick her up. I don't believe you can spoil an infant but I do believe you can develop routines and habits. I make sure to soothe her and let her know I'm there. She never just cries alone. But I don't always hold her, especially not while she sleeps. 
    100% this. Although sometimes I do let DD cry alone. When she's been held majority of the day and is fed, has a clean diaper, and is simply crying for the sake of being picked back up, I'll leave her in her swing or in her crib to cry for up to 10 mins sometimes depending on what I'm trying to get done. As long as I know she's taken care of and I know that she's crying for the sake of wanting to be held, I figure it won't hurt her to cry for 5-10 min while I wash pump parts, go pee, eat, shower, fold laundry mow the lawn. I've got she, the dogs, and the entire house to take care of solo and I can't afford to hold a baby all day and all night long, especially when she's otherwise ok. 90% of the time she will fall asleep or play with her hands and will calm down and stop crying anyway, and the other 10% of the time she stops the second I'm able to tend to her and pick her back up. 
  • I don't let LO cry it out but I don't always pick her up. I know I'm in the minority on this but.... at night when she's fed, changed, falls asleep, I lay her down and she starts crying because she wants me to continue holding her I sing, rub her back, whisper to her and do everything but pick her up. I don't believe you can spoil an infant but I do believe you can develop routines and habits. I make sure to soothe her and let her know I'm there. She never just cries alone. But I don't always hold her, especially not while she sleeps. 
    Yes! This! I try to soothe him in other ways than just holding him. 
  • I will also add that night time is the only time I don't pick Ez up right away. Brazelton says you want to be careful picking your baby up too much at night as they can be crying because they're over stimulated and you picking them up can stimulate them more.
  • This is all really helpful - thank you everyone!  I do make sure to get something done in the 10 minutes I let her cry- 1. to try and distract myself, and 2. because I gotta get some chores done somehow!  I agree with other Moms who soothe without picking up. I do that too - I'll rub her belly and talk to her so she knows I'm here.  But also helpful to hear from moms that in a couple of weeks she should be able to entertain herself for a little longer when put down.  
  • @Bellodomani @Jenly17 I'm with you both on the toddler mayhem! I feel awful for letting DD2 cry sometimes but I can only ask DD1 to hold on so many times until she has a meltdown. 

    DD2 also needs to be laid down and left to fuss sometimes to fall asleep. I can try to comfort her in every way but she won't fall asleep until I lay her down and let her fuss. She also sometimes cries for me to lay her down while she's awake, too. She's so much more independent than DD1 so it's taking some getting used to on my end. 
  • edited July 2016

    OP- I can let DS cry for maybe 5 mins tops and it's usually because my toddler is doing something dangerous trying to get my attention. It's like battle of the babies trying to get mommy's attention at all times. Usually the toddler wins and baby boy has to cry a little bit. 
    This. 

    My first I didn't let baby cry very long. To me as a new mom when possible baby came first. (Dishes and laundry dead last haha).
    I became very good at doing things one handed. I really loved carrying and holding my baby. 

    I don't regret a second of it because it turns out baby wasn't a piece of fruit and never spoiled. 

    That baby is now a toddler and my holding privileges are few and far between as my toddler is busy and has a lot on their daily go go go agenda.

    This baby I still hate the cries but it is a battle of the babies sometimes because a dirty toddler butt can't wait and sometimes the toddler is doing really dangerous things and there is no choice. 
    But this is my last and I want to soak up these cuddles because I understand crystal clear with this toddler running around non stop that these little babies don't keep. It goes by when you least expect it.
    So enjoy holding your newborn baby while you still can as much as you want :) 
  • @camillaandcarson Whenever I feel guilty/ conflicted about attending to the toddler before the baby, I try to remind myself that when I was born my mom had a 1 year old, a 3 year old, and a 4 year old so I'm sure my needs never came first and I turned out to be a relatively high functioning adult. It still does kind of kill me to hear her cry but it helps me get through whatever it is that needs to get done at the moment without feeling too anxious. 
  • I wouldn't let LO cry it out. But I do agree that if you need a break, it's perfectly ok to set the baby down in a safe place and walk in the other room if they're crying. The longest I've let her cry was when I was driving and it was time to eat. I ended up pulling over and feeding her. But other than that, she only cries if you take too long with the bottle or when I change her clothes. She's pretty content all the time. I don't have to rock her to sleep, she wakes up laughing, she can hang out in her bouncer. So it's not too often I need to run to her if she's fussing. It usually means she needs to eat. 
  • I'm so used to my dogs barking forever that a lot of times I tune then out and don't realize they're going crazy until they've been going at it for like 5 minutes. I think they've desensitized me to loud annoying sounds because I'm kind of like this with the baby too - not 5 minutes, but I'll go a good minute before it really registers with me that I need to take action. Then it might be another couple of minutes before I get to her. So far she's survived!
  • I wouldn't let LO cry it out. But I do agree that if you need a break, it's perfectly ok to set the baby down in a safe place and walk in the other room if they're crying. The longest I've let her cry was when I was driving and it was time to eat. I ended up pulling over and feeding her. But other than that, she only cries if you take too long with the bottle or when I change her clothes. She's pretty content all the time. I don't have to rock her to sleep, she wakes up laughing, she can hang out in her bouncer. So it's not too often I need to run to her if she's fussing. It usually means she needs to eat. 
    This is the same for my LO. If she's crying there's a reason because she doesn't do it often other than asking for food. That said i'll leave her for at least 5 minutes to cry it out when i know she's fed and changed and just wants to whine, like at 6am! 
  • I don't let my LO cry for more than a few minutes before picking her up if she's down, but I put her down often when she's fussing because sometimes she just needs some "alone" time. Overstimulation bothers her more than a dirty diaper or hunger even and I've learned that removing stimulus calms her down really quickly. I do need to start letting her figure out how to fall asleep on her own but it's so hard. I know she can do it because she does in the middle of the night, she'll wake up and cry out a few times before settling herself back down to sleep, but I've had no luck putting her down awake so far. She goes from zero to freak out really quickly until I pick her up and rock her to sleep. 
  • I don't let my LO cry for more than a few minutes before picking her up if she's down, but I put her down often when she's fussing because sometimes she just needs some "alone" time. Overstimulation bothers her more than a dirty diaper or hunger even and I've learned that removing stimulus calms her down really quickly. I do need to start letting her figure out how to fall asleep on her own but it's so hard. I know she can do it because she does in the middle of the night, she'll wake up and cry out a few times before settling herself back down to sleep, but I've had no luck putting her down awake so far. She goes from zero to freak out really quickly until I pick her up and rock her to sleep. 
    Mine does that too. If I leave her alone in the middle of the night she will fall back asleep but I have not mastered putting her down drowsy but awake. We will keep working on it but I'm doing whatever it takes to get her to sleep at night. It works because most of the time she will sleep at least 7 hours.
  • missnc77 said:
    I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months. 

    I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"


    I've just read about the drowsy but awake thing and I agree that before 3 months, it's just about impossible. 

    As long as she's somewhere safe, I'll try to get a few things done. If she's just fussing a little bit, I'll give her some time to settle down but if she's fully crying and having a meltdown, I'll go and get her. 
  • CUtiger09 said:
    missnc77 said:
    I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months. 

    I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"


    I've just read about the drowsy but awake thing and I agree that before 3 months, it's just about impossible. 

    As long as she's somewhere safe, I'll try to get a few things done. If she's just fussing a little bit, I'll give her some time to settle down but if she's fully crying and having a meltdown, I'll go and get her. 
    It's not so much that it's impossible before 3 months- that very much depends on each baby's temperament. It's more that it's not necessary before 3 months because they can't anticipate patterns yet, so bedtime routines aren't too important, and they won't develop object permanence for a few more months so they won't wake up all night long trying to replicate whatever circumstances (bouncing, rocking, nursing, etc) were occurring when they went to bed. 
  • CUtiger09 said:
    missnc77 said:
    I've read to not even bother with the drowsy and awake before 3 months. 

    I don't intentionally let her cry it out. If it's a whimper, I hold off to see where it's going. Sometimes she'll settle down, sometimes it goes to meltdown. If it's legit crying and I'm doing something (unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, prepping lunch, etc), I'll try to quickly wrap up then go to her. I don't just drop everything and bolt to her. If she can actually hear me - say I'm in the kitchen and she's in her swing in the den - I try and talk to her while I finish up. "Mommy's coming!" "It's okay!"


    I've just read about the drowsy but awake thing and I agree that before 3 months, it's just about impossible. 

    As long as she's somewhere safe, I'll try to get a few things done. If she's just fussing a little bit, I'll give her some time to settle down but if she's fully crying and having a meltdown, I'll go and get her. 
    It's not so much that it's impossible before 3 months- that very much depends on each baby's temperament. It's more that it's not necessary before 3 months because they can't anticipate patterns yet, so bedtime routines aren't too important, and they won't develop object permanence for a few more months so they won't wake up all night long trying to replicate whatever circumstances (bouncing, rocking, nursing, etc) were occurring when they went to bed. 
    Agreed. I put down my son 80% of the time drowsy...  Not to say he doesn't refuse and I go back some of the time, but he falls asleep more often than not
  • 5-10 minutes but once I had to let her cry 15-20 because I had something I just HAD to do - she was fed and dry and safe. Life has to continue you know.
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  • @lalala2004 PREACH.
    YES!!
    i think we often forget our pediatricians aren't baby experts. They went to med school just like every other doctor and learned about common childhood ailments and how to keep AVERAGE kids physically healthy. They are NOT nutritionists or behavioral experts. My DH revealed to me that doctors don't even get very much training on these issues, which sort of blew my mind "they go to a seminar over a weekend to get a new credential" he told me.
    now, I love my kids Doctor. She's well trained, she makes me feel good about my parenting choices, and I think she knows what she's doing to keep Ezra healthy from diseases. But I'm not going to expect her to know anything about keeping an above average height child healthy on a vegan diet or appropriate behavior choices.
  • @jomunson that is also often true of GPs and OBs as well. I used to get the worst nutritional advice from my OB when I was pregnant. All of which was unnecessary since my boy was growing at an above average rate despite a compromised, ripped up, garbage placenta. I used to just glaze over when she spoke. 
  • @jomunson that is also often true of GPs and OBs as well. I used to get the worst nutritional advice from my OB when I was pregnant. All of which was unnecessary since my boy was growing at an above average rate despite a compromised, ripped up, garbage placenta. I used to just glaze over when she spoke. 
    Same! They told me to eat eggs and chicken breast even though I had mentioned several times I was vegan (and have strong opinions about how unhealthy that food is!). 
  • JoMunson said:
    @jomunson that is also often true of GPs and OBs as well. I used to get the worst nutritional advice from my OB when I was pregnant. All of which was unnecessary since my boy was growing at an above average rate despite a compromised, ripped up, garbage placenta. I used to just glaze over when she spoke. 
    Same! They told me to eat eggs and chicken breast even though I had mentioned several times I was vegan (and have strong opinions about how unhealthy that food is!). 
    We have differing opinions on what's optimally healthy or not but that's all cool. What I can't stand is what you've described - doctors ignoring what you've told them about how you intend to eat. They should be offering you vegan nutritional advice or, better yet, keeping quiet if that's not their core expertise.  Similarly, I don't eat grains and was constantly getting brown bread and scones shoved at me as the solution to all my problems. So frustrating! 
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