Dilemma — The Bump
Trying to Get Pregnant

Dilemma

A little long, but please read.  Need the advice..

Having a moral dilemma with wanting to get pregnant.  My husband and I recently got married (less than a year now) but we've been together for 8 years now.  He's always said he doesn't "care" to have kids, but would always say too "when or if we have kids....".  He's also known that I am dead set on having them and recently asked me why it was such a big deal to me and told me that we will have them eventually just doesn't feel the rush.  He is 34 and I am 32.  I can't really say that I want them RIGHT NOW but deep down inside wouldn't mind if I got pregnant any time now.  He's not being very clear on the "eventually" part either.  I really don't want to wait another 2-3 years.   

My dilemma - I stopped BC about 6 months ago and haven't told him.  I kinda think he knows since he never sees me take them anymore, but thats just an assumption, and we've never talked about it.  Before you get judgy about me not telling him...YET, I have to say why.  The main reason is because we rarely have sex, I mean maybe once a month if I'm lucky.  He's "working" on that issue.  So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing.  Another reason is because I found out I have CIN3 cells and recently had to have the LEEP which means my cervix is not in the best working condition and the likelihood of conceiving right now I don't think is very high.  Another reason why I haven't told him is because he told someone in front of me that if we have kids I'm going to have to get him drunk and make it happen because he doesn't really want to know.  It was a joke, but knowing our situation, its stayed in my mind, that that is probably going to be the way it happens.  I don't think he'll ever "try" to have them. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant sometime soon by some miracle lol, he is going to be upset and I'd be worried about losing his trust.  I guess my dilemma boils down to if I do tell him I'm off BC, he will stop having sex all together or he will start pulling out (up until about the last 5 months, he's always pulled out and randomly stopped doing that) and I risk the chance of never getting prego, but if I don't tell him, the trust might be gone, but I'll at least have a baby.  

Thank you for reading and your advice!  
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Re: Dilemma

  • Thanks for the input @hartmich @LadyMillil @MandyBeeSLP @delujm0

    @delujm0  I've always felt our relationship was strong, didn't see that one coming lol.  We did have a semi-serious convo a few weeks ago about this.  That is when he asked my why it was such a big deal to me and that we would have them eventually.  He used an example of one of our friends who recently got pregnant and she is 37.  I told him, I'm not waiting that long.  

    Also, he married me knowing that I do want kids.  The consensus that both of us have come to is that I want kids a lot more than he doesn't.  So, I didn't marry him hoping he'd change his mind.  If anything, thats what he did.  He knows fully well that I want them and that if he ever told me absolutely no, then I'd leave.  To me, not telling him about the BCP, is kinda giving him that push that he needs.  It was kinda the same with our wedding.  He could've and would've delayed it as long as possible even after he proposed to me, so one day I made the suggestion to have a shotgun wedding, he agreed, and a month later, we were married. 

    Deep down I know I need to tell him.  Its just finding the right time and also delaying it because I know I'm probably not going to get pregnant anytime soon, regardless of me being off BC....unless by some odd chance he starts wanting to have sex a lot more.  
  • @delujm0  Maybe you should read my further posts before going on a rant.  Others were able to reply without getting hysterical.  I clarified what I meant by that last sentence.  This isn't an easy issue for me...or for my husband.  I respect my husband and don't plan on getting knocked up without fully seeing his position or trying to "trap" him.  The whole reason for this post was because I felt bad about not telling him I was on BC (even though theres not really a chance I'd get pregnant right now anyway).  If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out.  I just don't want to stop outright having sex because I'm not on the pill.  Getting pregnant is not the main reason I stopped taking them in the first place.  I feel so much better off of them(no mood swings) and my insurance changed to where I pay for prescriptions 100% til I meet my deductible.  Spending crazy money on a pill that really doesn't seem like its preventing anything anyway since we rarely have sex, didn't seem justified anymore.  After I decided to stop taking them for money purposes alone, I started thinking about the what-ifs about getting pregnant.  That is what brought me to post this.  

    As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up.  He'd probably be pissed at first, but would be there for me and his child, but I do feel that we would lose that trust.  I know for a doubt my husband wouldn't leave me, so if I wanted to "trap" him, I could.  I'm not that person.  All of his little comments about not wanting to know when I was getting knocked up mixed with taking myself off BC are what have me confused and why i was looking for outside perspective.  To put it short, its almost like my husband is asking me to not let him know when it was happening but that he knows it will eventually.  
  • @delujm0 and to clarify just a little more, I've tried on many occasions to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this.  He has a very hard time with communication and hates any type of serious convo, whether its about kids or something else in our relationship.  

    To be detailed, I have specifically told him that it seems like he doesn't want kids and that it is not really an option for me, so we need to come to a conclusion.  I tell him, I am not wanting them immediately but I don't want to spend the next 5 years together only for him to tell me no. To which his response is getting fidgety and telling me that we will have kids.  That is where the conversation ends because it seems like me even bringing up the subject is like me pressuring him. Trying to push it even further and ask when is just going to upset him or feel like I'm pushing him, so I let it go.  

    Its just hard to gauge what he wants as far as timing.  I'm trying to figure out if his "joking" about not wanting to know when it happens is really joking or if I have to do it that way, but then I feel like that is deceitful and I don't want to do that either. 
  • @SienaC
    I am so confused by this entire post....If you are not trying to get pregnant behind his back and trap him into having a kid that he has said he wasn't ready for, why would you not AT LEAST tell him you decided to stop taking birth control so he had the option to wear a condom?
    Because he doesn't wear condoms.  From the first time we ever slept together, he hasn't worn one and never will.  That's just him.  He would just as easily just stop having sex because he doesn't feel the need for it.  That is a completely different issue in which I am doing my best to be an understanding wife, bc I DO feel the need for it.  Scaring him by telling him Im not on BC when he doesn't understand the whole ovulation thing isn't going to help ease his mind.  Like I said, he'd just rather stop having sex all-together. 

    You have contradicted yourself several times when replying:
    "So me getting pregnant would have to be some good timing and because I'm not really trying right now, I don't pay attention to the timing"
    "If I was in my ovulation period and we had sex right now, I would make him pull out."
    Clarify- Wrong choice of words, I dont consider timing  a factor when I know I dont even have the chance to get prego.  Case in point, the first time he wasnt wanting to pull out, I got off of him because I knew I was around ovulation and didnt want to risk it.  This last time we had sex was 2 days before my period started and I knew there was no chance, so I didnt make him pull out.  

    "However, I know that lying to him could end up costing me both him and possibly having a kid with him."
    "As far as thinking I'd be trapping him and him having to pay for child support...my husband would never leave me if I got knocked up."
    Not seeing how this is contradictory.  I'm not saying just bc my husband wouldn't leave me that I'd do that.  I believe I even said that in the next sentence.  These two sentences are about 2 totally different things. 
  • mumofmany7mumofmany7 member
    First Comment Photogenic
    edited July 2016
    *Removed for TOU-Violation*
  • edited July 2016
    *Removed for TOU-Violation*
    um what? No.  Just no. 

    PurpleRainsmrsdee15GrabberBlue2010
  • thj101thj101 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2016

    Getting back to the topic at hand, I feel like I had a similar situation with DH.  He doesn't like to talk about serious stuff either. He's not good with emotions, or having serious convos.  We dated for 8 years before getting married, and I knew all of this about him prior to that.   Knew what I was getting into, also kind of knew that in regards to kids that he wanted them, but that he's not going to be the type to make a plan or know every single step in the process.  I also knew, that he didn't want to wait too long to have them.

    Flash forward to 6 months after we got married and I go off of my BCP.  Not necessarily because I wanted to have kids, but because I was on that and a strong med for severe hormonal acne, and my doctor advised that if we were going to possibly try to get pregnant within the next year or 2, I needed to start weening myself off of these meds in order to make sure that they are out of my system.  (the other med I was on for the acne has been known to cause possible birth defects if you were to get pregnant while on it) So we did that.  He was fully aware, and just knew that we would have to be extra careful since I was stopping BCP. 

    Flash forward again to March of this year.  I had completely weened myself off of the oral meds for acne and was able to maintain with topical prescriptions.  We had one drunken night of BD, and it just so happened to be within my FW.  (that I frantically tracked using the period tracker app on my phone just to see if it was a possibility I could be pregnant) At that point I told DH, and we both had the attitude of, well if it happens it happens, and decided that if it didn't that we were going to keep trying.  I got a BFN that month, and then life started to get ridiculously crazy, and we have decided to TTA for a while until things slow down.

    I say all of that to say this, OP, my DH sounds a lot like your H.  And while there really is no good way to handle this, and it can be extremely difficult, frustrating, and stressful to talk to him about these kind of things just because of the way he is, IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE UP FRONT AND HONEST ABOUT IT. When I was going off of the BCP, DH was upset, and made some comments about that, but eventually he stopped, realized that he was being a man child, and shut up about it.  Honesty is always best, and I think the best advice in this situation is for you all to sit down and have an adult conversation just to get it all out there, and to understand each other's point of view.  Good luck, and not to sound judgy, but I know you will need it!


    ETA: Sentence about tracking

    Me:  30
    DH:  32
    Together since 2007
    Happily Ever After 4.30.2015
    Expecting Babe #1 11.13.2017
    ChaoticWolf
  • I truly appreciate y'alls input.  I started BC when I first met him on my own accord.  He never asked me to do that and I've always paid for it myself, so going off of it to me felt like my choice.  He had an ex gf in the past that said she was prego and got an abortion and another who took Plan B.  Knowing that, I've felt like me being on BC was my own choice and that once I was off, it was kinda up to me to make sure I wasn't going to get pregnant.  I'm not saying I'm ok with what ive done so far about not telling him when I went off, so those of you who have made it clear that you think I'm the devil can rest assured, I'm not out to get my husband. Its just a very hard choice to make with someone who is hard to get a for sure answer out of.  There was one time when I first went off it and I was a little past ovulation time and we BD'd without me asking him to PO.  I felt horrible the next day and the whole time I waited to see if I got a BFP I was nervous about how I'd tell him.  Since then I haven't allowed that to happen or even come close.  I don't track my ovulation but I always have a 28 day cycle so guessing my ovulation time has been easy...but that is guessing.  That being said, after that happened that one time, I've never let it get that close to my guestimated ovulation time again.  When you have sex no more than once a month, its pretty easy to make sure it doesn't fall anywhere close to that range. 

    I had a lot of time to think about it last night to know how I wanted to bring it up and what I wanted to say.  Honestly, the hard part is going to be getting him to sit still and just listen to me.  Someone brought up educating him on the ovulation process, that crossed my mind last night too.  Seriously, he's a great guy who does a lot for me, but serious convos are very difficult for him.  I can already hear him now, me trying to explain the ovulation process..."Gross, gross, i don't need to hear that" lol.  I can guarantee that's what he'll say lol.  My main point with him is going to be that he may not want to know when/if it happens, but that I cant do this without being open and honest.  Right now we're just going at this blindly.  He knows I want kids and he says even though he doesn't get why I want them so bad, that it will happen.  In my mind I was thinking later this year.  He said not that soon, but also didn't say when.  So its all kinda just hanging there.  Just another little tidbit in here...last time we had sex was 2 days before my period.  We were both drunk in Mexico. While we were BD'ing  he said he wasn't going to PO and I said I don't think I can get pregnant right now anyway and his response was "I don't care".  This is why I say I'm confused.  He doesnt want kids right now, then says stuff like that.  Yes, I know we were drunk but we're still aware of what we're saying.  He still could have PO.

    Anyway to continue..  I'm going to tell him that once I switched insurances and had my leep (2 months ago) that I decided I don't want to deal with BC anymore.  I couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after LEEP anyway, so I wouldn't have taken BC then regardless. Ya'll can yell at me for not telling him I stopped 6 months ago, but to me thats just causing unnecessary issues.  The point is that he will know I'm not on it now and that I want to be honest with him and make him aware so that he can make his own conscious choices from now on when we BD. 

    Thanks again for the input and constructive criticism. :smile:
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