Annoyed with DH !!!

kitandcat · June 2016

I am annoyed enough that I need to vent!! After I fed LO at 11am... I went to change his diaper afterward and DH offered to take over. He tries to do this a lot
on evenings and weekends because he knows I'm here all day, everyday doing it all when he's at work. MH is super great most of the time - he offers help and support and he's really great with LO.

Well today he couldn't get him to stop crying... He probably gave it about 30 minutes or so but couldn't get LO to calm down. The problem was that LO DID calm down, but then MH would try and put him down and it would start all over again. Welcome to my world, DH! Sometimes he literally just wants to be held, sometimes ALL DAY. So he gave up and passed him off to me.

I am 100% okay with that... I'd be happy to take over and try and calm him which I did and after a few minutes he was fine. DH disappeared upstairs immediately after passing him off and I've been sitting downstairs by myself holding the baby for two and a half hours (because he won't let me put him down either!). I'm super annoyed that the weekend is supposed to be the time we get to spend together as a family and he's just upstairs by himself recovering
from 30 minutes of crying. When LO fusses when I'm alone all day I can't just give him to MH and go pout
for two+ hours! I went upstairs and suggested we go to the mall and walk around/get lunch (LO is always super calm in his car seat!) and DH said he didn't want to go anywhere - GREAT! I'm glad he's enjoying sitting alone in bed watching TV while I assume the parental responsibilities that I have every other day of the week by myself!! Who needs family time???

ARG!

KyleeWaller · June 2016

I'm sorry you're having a tough day! What if you went upstairs and told your husband something like "Hey, I need to take a shower," or "I need to sit by myself for minute" as you handed him the baby? Tell him nicely, instead of asking him. I've found that DH and I get along much better the more direct we are with one another, especially on days like what you're describing.

My DH doesn't like to go out as much as I do, and I often compromise by saying to him "I know you're comfortable watching TV right now, but I'd like to go [wherever] as a family later on." I think this helps him see that it's a compromise.

Pomegranate1983 · June 2016

This has been a challenge for me too. In fact, just an hour ago I had this conversation with DH. DH is usually good about taking over and helping but only when I ask him to and then, it is for a short period of time. My schedule for today: work on 2 big projects for my class, pump multiple times, care for DD, do dishes, laundry, clean and vacuum car, vacuum house, go grocery shopping. DH's schedule for today: game, spend time with DD when I ask him to. When I asked him to spend time with DD while I was pumping and she was crying, I didn't get a response until 10 minutes later. I had contorted myself to pump and give DD a bottle while she was in the rock n play and by the time he came over, she was calmed down. His reaction, "well, I fed her this morning! I guess I'll go downstairs with her and hide out so you can get stuff done." Grrrr... I'd rather him be up here so he can play with her and we can interact as a family. I nearly bit his head off last night. I had to do some more homework and DD was very clingy and eating in short spurts every half hour. I couldn't get anything done. I asked DH to spend time with her, no response. I finally took her downstairs (he was gaming), plopped her down, and said "she's spending time with you and give her the attention she needs, she's very clingy." He turned and said "well, when I'm done with this, I'm in the middle of something." I had steam coming out of my ears. I just spat back "sorry it's inconvenient for you to care for your daughter. I wish I had free time." and went upstairs. We go in waves with this. Some days he's very present, helpful, and spends time willingly with DD and me; other days, he switches back to single guy or pre-baby life. As the breastfeeding mom and/or the parent on leave, that is something we just don't get the luxury of doing.

lizChesnut · June 2016

I feel ya On this one! When DH comes home from work or his days off and just sits and plays video games at his desk...
I don't mind snuggling baby but I'd like it if he'd join us! Whether we go out or watch tv. Hey, or even take big sister or somewhere cause she misses him. Family time would be nice!

ayeshaohara · June 2016

Mine is at a golf tournament for 10 hours today. He worked extra hours this week (10 hour days) so I've got yet another full day of baby by myself which I don't mind but just a little time out would be nice so I can fall properly asleep instead of being on high alert all day!

mmemartinez · June 2016

@Pomegranate1983 it sounds like you and your DH need to sit down and have a real talk. I have no work other than the baby and DS1 right now, plus some little things with no time restrictions (nothing like classwork). I still do not do all the housework, nowhere near!

When we had DS1 there was definitely more of a transition for DH; he was never a true gamer but he was very into sports and would do video games sometimes. When kids come priorities just have to change. At least for us they did. There is no way I'd let my husband sit around and act like nothing's changed. Even not sitting around but getting out to play ball or whatever - of course I want him to get to do fun things, but the frequency has to change. Maybe it's just me being big on equality but I'm not going to take on more chores so you can go have fun. There's more to do now and sadly the same amount of hours in a day. I had to lay it all out and be very direct for him to get how I was feeling.

And of course I don't know what works for you. But I read a lot of posts like yours and it makes me sad. Being on maternity leave doesn't mean it's cool for me to essentially work 24/7.

saladflambe · June 2016

Have you tried baby wearing? You could even get a structured carrier like the tula and your husband could wear him during his turns.

proudparent2b · June 2016

I totally feel you on LO not wanting to be put down during the day. DH doesn't believe me that DS wakes up and cries when he's put down because DS doesn't have this issue at night when DH is home. He's even started to chide me on it, saying that I don't give LO a shot to take naps in the crib.

Also on the family time, DH does a ton around the house, but keeps forgetting to allow for time to spend as a family. It's not terribly unusual for me to get to spend an hour or less in the same room with DH on a weeknight.

For better or worse, we're starting to go out to eat or do carry out slightly more often than in the past because it can easily double the amount of family time that we have in an evening.

Good luck on everything!

dshannah · July 2016

DH and i had a difficult convo soon after he went back to work: he had just gone into the bedroom to unwind after work while I was nursing. There was laundry to be done and a bucket of bottles to be washed, and dirty dishes in the sink that needed to be washed before the bottles could be cleaned.

i called him back out and said we needed to talk. He said ok, then laid there for five minutes finishing the video he was streaming. I was livid. So I asked him again, and added, right now, please, and he came and sat next to me. It was pretty tense.

and then I explained that, while yes he had been working all day, I had been, too, and there was nothing I'd like to do more than lie down, watch YouTube, and eat a Popsicle. DH is sweet, but he missed the point, and said, well, why don't you go do that and I'll look after the little one. And I'm like, because if you take him, I will have to do laundry and clean bottles before I can lie down and relax.

after a few more tries, we figured out that what I had been trying to convey was that, to be equal parents, we had to share responsibility evenly, even if one of us did more at any given time.

So our rule, which has worked wonderfully for the last 5 weeks, is that neither of us gets "me time" unless the baby is cared for, laundry is done, and bottles are clean, and you need to clear it with the other parent.

sorry for the long winded response for such a simple suggestion, but I wanted to include how hard the convo was and what prompted it: we are doing great now as a family, but only because we stumbled into a great rule of thumb in a difficult moment.

1mae2016 · July 2016

My SO does this ALL the time. He always talks about how much he misses her and can't wait to come home from work and cuddle her but he cannot handle her crying. If she cries for more than 10 minutes with no obvious soothing method working he gets a really loud, irritated voice with her, puts her in her swing and goes outside to play his game and smoke. Must be nice! Even if I'm taking a shower, cooking, or cleaning. He just cannot do it and I don't think he realizes how he's acting or that he even has a short fuse with her because I've talked to him about it and he acted like I made it all up in my head. Men just dont have the maternal instincts or patience that we moms have. I'm sorry you're having to handle him acting like a baby, and your baby being a baby. I always just try to remind myself that once shes a little bit bigger and can eat solids rather than needing my boob all the time that he'll be more inclined to really spend time with her.

Knottie13257900 · July 2016

All of this sounds so familiar. My husband's problem is that anytime the baby cries, he thinks we should do something different, like feed her more, feed her from a bottle, use a different swaddle, etc. I'm like you just need to comfort her, there is nothing wrong with the way I'm feeding her!! He just can't deal with the crying.

yogahh · July 2016

Mh is getting frustrated if he can't calm her after three minutes. He starts a pity party saying he can't do it like I can. Well duhhhhh I've been doing it for the past 8 weeks. You only started "trying" this past weekend. I go back to work next month and since he is still off (teacher) the plan was for her to stay home with him until he starts back after Labor Day instead of going to DC for the month of August so we can save money. He's already saying he is not equipped to handle her all day and she will need to go to DC when I go back to work. I was hoping we could save the money that month since he is home, but a part of me is relieved as I don't know how he would handle being home alone with her everyday. Us moms are better at this stuff after all...

JoMunson · July 2016

Someone posted about how they (their mom?) would say "do you wanna do x or y?". I told my DH that I felt frustrated since Ezra needs stuff and I can't relax without a clean house so it feels like my relax time gets sucked up by chores. He's really stepped up. Hell usually pick the cleaning job but he'll also say "I'll watch the baby so you can check my work". If I'm doing something and Ezra is fretting hell force me to continue my "me" time by shutting the door so I can't hear Ezra. I'm telling you guys giving your SO options for helping works!!

Knottie13257900 · July 2016

Oh yeah that reminds me...I can't relax without a clean house either, but I know my husband thinks I am just wasting time cleaning since he thinks cleaning is an unnecessary thing.

Pomegranate1983 · July 2016

@mmemartinez, we have had talks since DD came home with us. DH is slow to change but the nice thing is those baby steps happen. We are going to have a chore chart, which will eliminate the "just ask me" part. I keep reminding myself that when moved into together, that transition took us a good month or two to get used to and I think this one, I think, is a bigger transition. We had agreed that on the weekends, he would hang with the family in the morning and then he would game after eating lunch. We'd do a family activity together in the afternoon, he'd have his household chores, and then he would game in the evening. One Saturday he went down in the morning to get something and ended up gaming for half an hour. I wasn't happy and explained he laid down the terms and it doesn't matter if it's 5 minutes or 2 hours, he said he wouldn't at all. So I asked if that's how it'll be with DD. If we say no TV before breakfast, it's ok for her to watch 5 minutes of it? He got the point. I think the modeling behavior is going to be tough for him. He does have a gaming addiction. He's been gaming since he was in his teens so it'll be an ongoing thing. He's cut back a lot over the years. We will need to talk it out more too as I have the possibility of a new job that will mean longer hours (hour and a half drive each day

and more work at home. If I do get it and stick it out for a year, I'll try to get a different one closer. So, he's going to need to help out more around the house.

saltedcaramel518 · July 2016

Knottie13257900 said:

Oh yeah that reminds me...I can't relax without a clean house either, but I know my husband thinks I am just wasting time cleaning since he thinks cleaning is an unnecessary thing.

This. While DH doesn't think it's completely unnecessary, he thinks it's something that should be done about every 2 months. When I'm cleaning, he'll sometimes say "You don't have to do that right now. The mess will be there tomorrow."

Charissadeats · July 2016

@yogahh I only JUST realised that DC means Daycare. Here I was thinking you guys are moving to Washington.

KyleeWaller · July 2016

bshurdy said:

Knottie13257900 said:

Oh yeah that reminds me...I can't relax without a clean house either, but I know my husband thinks I am just wasting time cleaning since he thinks cleaning is an unnecessary thing.

This. While DH doesn't think it's completely unnecessary, he thinks it's something that should be done about every 2 months. When I'm cleaning, he'll sometimes say "You don't have to do that right now. The mess will be there tomorrow."

I think my DH must be a triplet. Seriously! It would help if he wasn't such a messy human on top of thinking cleaning was unnecessary, but alas. He constantly leaves dirty, smelly dishes right next to a completely empty sink and dishwasher. Such a great surprise to rush out to when the baby needs a bottle!

bkjade · July 2016

Knottie13257900 said:

Oh yeah that reminds me...I can't relax without a clean house either, but I know my husband thinks I am just wasting time cleaning since he thinks cleaning is an unnecessary thing.

Heh. My DH "cleans" but it isn't the same as when I clean. Like he's never heard of scrubbing a bathtub, or sweeping under anything. And you should see him try to fold laundry!

JoMunson · July 2016

bkjade said:

Knottie13257900 said:

Oh yeah that reminds me...I can't relax without a clean house either, but I know my husband thinks I am just wasting time cleaning since he thinks cleaning is an unnecessary thing.

Heh. My DH "cleans" but it isn't the same as when I clean. Like he's never heard of scrubbing a bathtub, or sweeping under anything. And you should see him try to fold laundry!

It took many years to train DH. It used to be when I'd ask him to clean he kitchen he would ignore the dishes in the sink, the counters that needed wiping, and even he floor that needed sweeping and instead de grease the oven. Okay, thanks, but the kitchen still needs to be cleaned...

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