How do you deal with the rude questions?

Knottie16288692 · July 2016

My husband and I are thrilled that we are having another baby...I mean ecstatic! Our son is 8 months old today and I just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. We were so excited about this baby, that we went ahead and told our parents and siblings. My aunt over hears me talking to my sister about taking some annoucement photos (she is a photographer) and she asked what we are announcing. I'm pretty close to my aunt and so I didn't see any harm in telling her. I spilled the beans and she just stared at me for a while and told me "well thats good.....congrats.... " with a weird smile and looked down at my son. She then proceeded to tell me that I would have my hands busy for a good long while and maybe after this one I'll rethink using birth control. Soo... as you an imagine I was pretty ticked off. I know that I'm going to get comments like that, but I just don't know how to respond to them. I wanted to tell her to worry about her own life and stress levels, but just smiled and walked away. Anybody in a similar situation?? How do you deal with it?

Tennis11785 · July 2016

No real advice except to try and not let it effect you. Your family, not hers. I know that's easier said than done. However, I think its really cool that your kids will be so close in age!

Starfish113 · July 2016

The upside.... you'll get diapers over with all at once!!! And I bet they will be super close. I would try your best to ignore her. I'm sorry she was so rude but she will see for herself how great it is for you once they are both here!

poofwok · July 2016

Sorry she was so rude! I'm an Internet stranger but I can say that I'm real happy for you!

BumpasaurusRex · July 2016

Yeah that was pretty rude but try not to let it bother you.

Some people have no filter or manners.

cinderin · July 2016

maybe she's just worried about you? if she's usually kind and supportive, I'd let it go.

angeltennis3 · July 2016

Whenever someone says something rude, I try to reply with excitement and turn what they say into a positive.

For example, one of my old best friends (who is nearly off even the friend list because she is so rude) comments on my daughters height (99th percentile, wearing 3t clothes at 20 months) as if it is a bad thing ALL OF THE TIME. so every time she does it, I say excitedly how wonderful it is, and how maybe she will grow up to be a great athlete, or how she has legs for days and isn't that so much nicer than short stubby legs, etc etc. It always shuts her up.

Sometimes I think people get joy out of pushing our buttons (which is ridiculous), so if you don't let it get to you and respond positively they usually stop.

emilypanthel · July 2016

I don't have any good advice for what to say.

As for your kids being so close in age, they will probably be really close. My sister and I are 15 months apart and have been best friends since the beginning. My mom used to say it was easier sometimes because we kept eachother busy!

Tennis11785 · July 2016

@angeltennis3 - what a great approach in life!

MonaLisaRalphio · July 2016

Ditto what @emilypanthel said - my sister and I are 16 months apart, and it was the bessssssst. I had a little sidekick with me all the time. Of course, it was awful when she got a little older and started "borrowing" my clothes, but now that we're both in our 30s, it's so great to have someone who understands me like she does.

If you don't want to try to be nice about negative comments, there are a lot of approaches you can use without being rude back. I always like a good, incredulous "but why would you say that to me?" Or, stare silently at the person for a moment, and then very deliberately change the subject.

(edited because TB is mean)

16isourluckynumber · July 2016

@angeltennis3 my daughter wore 3t at 20 months too I'm sure. She's slowed down a lot lately. I think she wore 4t from age 2 through 4.5. I love your approach. I'm sure your little girl is tall and beautiful, like mine.

Vastra · July 2016

Ugh, yeah, her reaction sucked! It's none of her business how close your kids are. Sounds like you are looking forward to this, and you seem more than equipped to handle it! I am BRACING myself from weird comments for acquaintances, especially from some of my less-than-socially-graceful castmates, who already make unwelcome comments about my body (I'm weirdly skinny) and constantly ask when I'm going to have a baby (my favorite reply, before bfp: "probably nine months after I get pregnant." Always did shut them up!)

edited cuz wordz

angeltennis3 · July 2016

16isourluckynumber said:

@angeltennis3 my daughter wore 3t at 20 months too I'm sure. She's slowed down a lot lately. I think she wore 4t from age 2 through 4.5. I love your approach. I'm sure your little girl is tall and beautiful, like mine.

@16isourluckynumber thanks! She is absolutely perfect. I do worry how those types of comments will impact her self esteem as she gets older and starts to understand them. I am going to definitely get more mama bear against people as she gets older, but I hope by responding positively even at a young age these comments don't make her self conscious about her height.

sunshine2417 · July 2016

It's hard to be the bigger person but what I always try to think of is, if someone is being nasty to me, it probably has much more to do with their own insecurity and mental state than their concern about what I'm doing. So I usually put on a smile, stay confident in my decision and be as obnoxiously excited as possible, and let them sulk in their own misery knowing that I'm happy with my choices and my life. Then of course, hubby will usually get an earful of my uncensored mind and thoughts. But don't let people break you down! If she doesn't have kids or hers are grown, maybe she's sad and jealous?

After getting married last year and now being pregnant, its really sunk in this past year that though people are 'happy' for you and such, nobody truuuuuly cares about what you choose to do with your life aside from maybe mom and dad. Therefore, if they're being nasty, it's usually a defense mechanism of sorts.

I'm excited for you! Siblings close in age are the BEST! My brother is 15 months older than me and we've always been two peas in a pod!

Xstatic3333 · July 2016

angeltennis3 said:

16isourluckynumber said:

@angeltennis3 my daughter wore 3t at 20 months too I'm sure. She's slowed down a lot lately. I think she wore 4t from age 2 through 4.5. I love your approach. I'm sure your little girl is tall and beautiful, like mine.

@16isourluckynumber thanks! She is absolutely perfect. I do worry how those types of comments will impact her self esteem as she gets older and starts to understand them. I am going to definitely get more mama bear against people as she gets older, but I hope by responding positively even at a young age these comments don't make her self conscious about her height.

I was always 99th percentile for height and weight (though a healthy weight for my height) growing up, and honestly I LOVE being tall. I've been 5' 8" since I was 12, so I didn't end up in WNBA territory but am still on the tall side. It makes so many things easier, and though I had an awkward teenage phase that can happen to anyone. I was a very confident little kid and am a very confident adult. Anyone who comments on a LO's body type is a big jerk in my opinion, but just being tall has been great. Despite being a little quirky and setting myself up for teasing in some other ways as a kid, my height was never something that other kids harped on. Hopefully your LOs will have a similar experience

Ready2BeAMomma · July 2016

what a rude question? My DH asked me the other day if "I am going to have a normal pregnancy belly?" I was like ummm excuse me? background.. I am 5ft about 160 with a big butt and a bit of a belly (pre-pregnancy).. I am 9 weeks now. so I kinda look a bit more like 15 weeks.. I guess its a valid questions.. I think he was referring to the "B" pregnancy belly.. but really DH..

MommaBean · July 2016

DS is 7 so people were asking us allll the time if and when we were going to have another. It was awkward because we were trying. And trying and trying. So I finally started telling people that and let THEM feel awkward and like an a-hole and also stop asking. Worked pretty well!

L Jane · July 2016

I just ignore and brush it off. My first two were only 12 mo apart. It was exhausting, of course... But the best thing we've done! They're 5 and 6 now and we have built in best buds! (And a 3 yr old best bud too:)

BumpasaurusRex · July 2016

Ready2BeAMomma said:

what a rude question? My DH asked me the other day if "I am going to have a normal pregnancy belly?" I was like ummm excuse me? background.. I am 5ft about 160 with a big butt and a bit of a belly (pre-pregnancy).. I am 9 weeks now. so I kinda look a bit more like 15 weeks.. I guess its a valid questions.. I think he was referring to the "B" pregnancy belly.. but really DH..

No, it's not a valid question.

I'd respond with a "I'm not sure. Do you consider your beer gut normal or excessive?"

I know it's better to rise above it but damn, maybe a snarky response would help them keep their questions in check and teach a little manners.

Ready2BeAMomma · July 2016

i wish I was that quick.. that's a good one.

AliJorgensen29 · July 2016

With my first child, my aunt disagreed with us having a baby, and as hard as it was, I cut her out of my life.

My kids are close in age too, 18 months apart. I had people say the same to me and actually thought my second was a "boo boo" because they're so close. I would just tell them, "yeah I know its going to be tough. Motherhood is tough with one, two or how many kids we decide to have. I'm a good mom and if I thought I couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be having another child. What makes it tougher is having people be negative and unsuportive." Most of the time they'd shut their mouth. Other times I'd ignore it when it wasn't someone close.

BumpasaurusRex · July 2016

AliJorgensen29 said:

With my first child, my aunt disagreed with us having a baby, and as hard as it was, I cut her out of my life.

My kids are close in age too, 18 months apart. I had people say the same to me and actually thought my second was a "boo boo" because they're so close. I would just tell them, "yeah I know its going to be tough. Motherhood is tough with one, two or how many kids we decide to have. I'm a good mom and if I thought I couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be having another child. What makes it tougher is having people be negative and unsuportive." Most of the time they'd shut their mouth. Other times I'd ignore it when it wasn't someone close.

You've actually had someone question whether your second was an accidental pregnancy? So rude.

"Nope, we know sex can result in pregnancy. We just like to bone a lot."

kswiger06 · July 2016

People are terribly rude sometimes. I've had some terrible things said... after both my kids were born, the nurses ask about birth control, when I reply that I don't use birth control both times, they say, well do you want to be right back in here in 9 months?... I decided if it happens again I'm not taking the high road, I did twice before. And my husband has an aunt who once told me we better not have more kids because we already have 2... once again I took the high road. But I think I'm done with that route for certain people. They can just shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I'm happy some posters had better advice than me, I think it's better to rise above, but I'm not going to this time around. I think it's best to just know that the rudeness never ends and to expect it so it doesn't hurt you as much.

MonaLisaRalphio · July 2016

@BumpasaurusRex I just love you.

BumpasaurusRex · July 2016

MonaLisaRalphio said:

@BumpasaurusRex I just love you.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/GY6FiWdFfRiX6/giphy.gif

kswiger06 · July 2016

^( I still love that movie)

Gingersnap · July 2016

MonaLisaRalphio said:

@BumpasaurusRex I just love you.

Oh really?

MonaLisaRalphio · July 2016

Gingersnap said:

MonaLisaRalphio said:

@BumpasaurusRex I just love you.

Oh really?

Girl, there's plenty of love to go around

**scoots over**
**pats couch seductively**

yogadevil · July 2016

Outwardly rude comments can roll off my back, in private I look to DH for support and hugs. If someone were to take it too far- then snark or borderline rudeness depending on my patience and/or the relationship dynamic.

Example- getting pregnant at 34 got a "Better you than me" comment from my sister, so I agreed with her.

varimama · July 2016

Honestly I don't think it's necessarily better to rise above. People shouldn't be rewarded for poor/rude behavior. If you say something rude to me I'm going to either respond in a way to make you feel bad you asked that rude question or if I can't think of any good comeback I'm just going to tell you you're being rude. Also I hope if I ask a question that turns out to be rude someone tells me I'm being rude since I probably didn't mean to be and I can learn from that and not say something like that again. If you're just nice and let rude comments role off, especially from people you see frequently, then they are just going to keep saying terrible things. If it's someone I'll never see again and don't really care to correct then I might just ignore it, depends on my mood.

I also don't think that being related by blood necessarily means that I have to put up with (general) you. I have no problem cutting out toxic family members. I mean it takes quite a bit but I'm sorry "family" does not just get a pass to be an asshole to me and I have no desire to "keep the peace" with such people. Life is too short, I'd rather surround myself with supportive people.

Vastra · July 2016

^ YES THAT.
*tw*
There's a woman I work with who is the office Debbie Downer, and is a wealth of health horror stories of every ilk (she's never had kids, so the pregnancy stories are about other people). Another woman, who everyone loves and is one of the best people ever, had a very bad experience during her first pregnancy. When it became apparent she was pregnant again, DD started recounting the first tragedy, as if it had happened to someone else, NOT AT ALL REALIZING SHE WAS TALKING TO THE PERSON TO WHOM IT HAD HAPPENED. Several of us overheard this, and threw ourselves in front of the KU lady, and immediately shut DD down. KU was probably willing to try to let it go, but at what cost? (I'd love to say that DD has learned something since then, but nope. She still loves to talk tragedy).

MonaLisaRalphio · July 2016

@marriedhamstermom

Image: https://i.giphy.com/1200vaoTNoXJ04.gif

I'd also like to add that it can actually be super helpful to let people know when they're inadvertently being rude. I had a great conversation with my cousin when I was TTC and she had said something really stupid like it would help to "relax." I told her that I knew she wasn't trying to be rude, and then explained why trite advice like that often comes off as though it's the woman's fault for not being "relaxed," thus contributing to her trouble conceiving. This is a girl who gets KU every time she so much as thinks about it, so she had never even considered how such advice might come across. She was horrified at herself at first, and then really interested to hear the perspective. It ended up being a great chat, and we both felt like we had gotten something out of it in the end.

TL;DR, some people don't realize they're being stupid, and it can help to correct them. I was nice because my cousin is my BFF, but if it were someone to whom I'm not so close, I'd probably point it out less kindly.

SPurp13 · July 2016

I haven't told many people, so I'm just here for the stories.

I guess my one friend did say "well, I had doubts about my second, too," when I kind of hemmed and hawed about this maybe not being a great time, but she's right. She's always been pretty real with me.

Now, after my last baby, I was told not only that I was not considered for a promotion because of "the baby," but just before getting pregnant this time, I was told just to be considerate and tell a supervisor before getting pregnant again. Didn't do that, don't give a fuck.

Yes, those things are illegal, but to be fair, getting a promotion around here is only based on how many hours you are willing to work (nevermind that I can do 2 times the work in 8 hours a day, but if someone works 16 hours, pissing around, they are seen as more dedicated), and I don't really want any more responsibilities, so they aren't entirely wrong. I don't want a promotion, because I want to do my job and go home at 5. I want more money for doing nothing, basically, so. That doesn't actually happen.

kswiger06 · July 2016

@SPurp13 lol I love the workplace attitude. My sister in law has a hard time staying in 1 place for long because she has told her superiors and I quote what she told me... "I don't like you bossing me around. We are both adults." Lol cracks me up

Blonde23005 · July 2016

I would explain to her that you are excited to have your kids so close in age and it was meant to be. Now she doesn't have to know that maybe you didn't intend this to happen quickly or maybe you did. Either way, the minute she realizes that her comments don't bother you, she will "hopefully" not make anymore of them.

Knottie16288692 · July 2016

Thanks foe the support Y'all! I decided to "gently" put her in her place when she sent me a text saying she was happy for me even though I'm crazy for doing this to myself.. Man I got a major headache from that one. I sent back, "thanks for your support. We are so happy about our littlest one and that we are paving our way to having what we dreamed of when we got married. I won't ask you to babysit." The heifer had the audacity to send me a wink emoji...<sigh>

MonaLisaRalphio · July 2016

@Knottie16288692 welp... that's one potential godparent off the list.

kswiger06 · July 2016

@Knottie16288692 WOW! Some phones have a middle finger you could send... no just kidding don't do that but honestly it sounds like you're handling the situation with more class than one should expect. I hope it's easy for you to cut her out or avoid her. Don't let her bring you down.

I have a (step) great grandma and great aunt who told me while pregnant with my first that hopefully I don't ruin my life like my parents did by having all those kids. I received that in a card with a baby gift for my first. They were talking about me and my siblings!! My parents had 5 and I'm on my 3rd. My (step) great grandma is probably rolling over in her grave and with any luck my great aunt will never find out.

Partyof6? · July 2016

My twins were 26 months when my youngest was born. Family was excited, friends too, but the comments from random people at the store were always amazing. Lots of you have your hands full!

I am sure, now that my youngest is 5, that the comments about this one being a surprise, or an oops, or a bonus, or a mistake will come. But, you know what, all that kind of is true for us, and I am thinking of it as a gift to the whole family. My older kids were so excited about the baby I lost in March, I can't wait to tell them about this one but want to wait until we have another ultrasound.

People are rude. If you are excited, your family is growing the way you imagined that is all that should matter!

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