questions about sex....tmi warning..

PoeMasque · July 2016

so I've been struggling with these questions since we started TTC and am finally working up the courage to ask around about it, I thought maybe someone here would have some insight.

My SO states it is hard for him to have sex multiple days in a row. I can't tell if it's a physical thing or if he just feels it will be too much of a chore. I haven't pressed him on details because I don't want to stress him out. He will sometimes be ok with 2 days in a row, but will refuse a third day in a row, he won't even try. He also takes at least 30 mins to finish....often more - like an hour or longer, and occasionally he is unable to finish. I'm sure this is all part of the "normal" spectrum, but I wonder if taking so long compromises the sperm? I have always had a lot of CM, but after an hour of active sex I'm sure it's not the best (and preseed doesn't last that long without being reapplied). I've also wondered if the combination of taking an hour to ejaculate plus only BD every 2nd or 3rd day is part of our problem?

All of my friends who got pg were having sex every day. We've been really consistent with BD every other day and haven't had even one BFP in 9 months. Blood tests, SA, and HSG were all normal.

It's impossible to talk about this with him without making him feel bad or stressed out, but I feel like it's not normal to take so long and not be able to have sex more often.

MeliChaCha · July 2016

For whatever it's worth, you may want to consider going for a visit together to the RE. It will help root out any issues (and answer your technical questions), and sometimes, I think it helps guys to hear what needs to happen from a doctor/ nurse/ someone who isn't the one trying to get pregs. By approaching it more clinically, he may understand that you're not just overreacting. (I know this helped me and my hubs!)

Best of luck!!

lickastick · July 2016

Lurking from pg after 35
I hope it's ok I respond, I really want you to feel supported. This all sounds really frustrating especially since your dh isn't great about talking about it. And can i just say you are a saint for dealing with DH taking an hour to finish

If i might offer some suggestions please only take what you like. I think EOD can be very successful if you can really pinpoint your O. ED wasn't something *I* could sustain and we were able to get KU. I hope you are doing opks and maybe temping to help you really pinpoint O? Then all it takes is one good day and it will do the trick if there are no other issues. Also is there anything that might help him finish faster, toys? A finger in the right place? What will get him excited? This is so personal to each couple, but if it were me I'd want to get some info on how to streamline the process, at least just while TTC. During our first few months TTC I sometimes would jump the gun and start hio a little too early, after a couple months I really started to pause a bit b4 hio so we could do less days overall. Wishing you all the luck and some resolution for your problems!

jennh75b · July 2016

I don't have too much to provide here but also wanted to support you. I think that considering how long he does take each time, that daily BD might be too much of a task for him, but he should at least be willing to try and see. I know nothing about what men are capable of in the bedroom, that's for sure!. H has had some issues but I think they are more psychological than just not being capable. BD daily can take its toll, if not physically then mentally. My H is the exact opposite of yours...and I've often wondered if that was an issue - if not going for too long could affect fertility somehow. But the RE SA numbers show he is in good shape, so I don't know how much the duration of it really affects anything. The RE did not talk about that being a factor.

And, I understand you not wanting to press it too much with him. I don't know about your H, but mine is very sensitive, and any feedback/discussion is chosen wisely related to this subject. I think consulting your OB if you're not yet with an RE could be a good first step. Then maybe you will know how to discuss it better with him.

laurad75 · July 2016

I too want you to feel supported so I am going to jump in without too much to offer. I second the idea of you seeing a RE together as a couple. Also, I was given the advice (from a doctor) to have sex every other day beginning on CD 8 or 9 and I have heard other couples having success with that strategy. Another doctor told me the stats show equal success for couples that have sex every other day opposed to every day, the key is that you are trying your peak days so if you haven't already, embrace temping and OPK's.

An hour is a long time so I bow down to you and your commitment.

PoeMasque · July 2016

Ladies, thank you for the replies. They were very nice to hear and it was great to feel supported, this TTC stuff is hard! I ended up broaching the subject with my SO and - at first - it did not go well. But eventually he realized I was trying to figure out if there was a problem, not criticize him/his performance. He did tell me that it takes him much less time to finish when masturbating than it does when we have sex, so i put the "turkey baster" method out there for him - as a tactic for when he might be too tired for sex (when he's tired it takes longer, much longer!). It was a tough conversation, but I'm glad we had it. I'm not yet ready for a RE, mostly because we've done SA, HSG, and blood work which all came back normal. My OB is confident it will happen in its own and my insurance pays zero for RE/fertility treatments.

jennh75b · July 2016

I'm so glad you had a talk with him and glad it turned out ok. These conversations are never easy, but not saying something will eat you alive!

Sporty1216 · July 2016

*lurking*

Late to the convo, but I just want to add that we had sex every other day during my fertile window--I used opks to pinpoint that. And, we were able to get pregnant. I know every day stressed my DH out, and things went a lot better when we just decided, on the advice of a urologist, to settle on every other day and just for a specified window.

I am glad that your conversation went well and I hope that you have success soon! All the best.

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