Delivered at 17w5d

EmilyP524 · June 2016

Hi Everyone, I'm new here. I found the board through a google search. I delivered my son last week at 17w5d. I had an ultrasound at 15w where we found out we were having a son. At that ultrasound the tech kept commenting on how "lazy" he was. He was moving, just not a lot. He was measuring right on track and they didn't see any issues. I hadn't felt any movement yet and I knew it was early but I was still concerned. I called my doctor to voice my concerns and they said to come in for a fetal heart check to ease my mind. I went in at 17w3d and they couldn't find a heartbeat for my little boy. I went in to be induced the next evening and delivered my son on June 24th. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I mainly joined this board for support from others who have experienced this horrible tragedy.

My doctors are doing some testing (my blood, the placenta, and my son) to see if they can find anything but they said to be prepared if the results are inconclusive. Today one of my doctors called and said that the placenta showed "signs of infection". I'm going to go in this week to get some testing done to see if I have any current infections. Has anyone experienced this? I feel so guilty that a possible infection could have caused my baby to lose his life.

szwill86 · June 2016

First off, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son at 17+3 and delivered him as well. My issue was my placenta- there was a huge hemorrhage that wasn't seen on ultrasounds bc I had an anterior placenta.

Don't feel guilty if they do find an infection was the cause. I know that's hard if that's what the results are, but you didn't do anything intentional to cause that to happen.

I had testing done for infection but everything came back negative. I have to wait 12 wks after to do the APS bloodwork for clotting disorders because my 1st tri screen levels and second tri levels were either off the charts low or high (but no chromosomal abnormalities- I had a CVS procedure done at 13 wks). Did you have these screens done as well? APS might be something to look into/rule out, too.

EmilyP524 · June 2016

@szwill86 Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss. What is the APS bloodwork? I'm going in this week for further bloodwork to determine if I have an infection. I'm not sure what the other bloodwork was that they ordered though. Was there a reason you had the CVS? I didn't have any additional testing done since I have had 2 healthy full term pregnancies before this.

szwill86 · June 2016

APS stands for antiphospholipid syndrome which is when your immune system mistakenly attacks normal proteins in the blood. It can cause fetal loss in the second and third trimester as well as other issues. Because I had the hemorrhage, my dr wants to test for this and clotting disorders/issues as well. I also run the risk of there not being any issues and chalking it up to being the statistic that everyone hopes they're not.

I had the CVS done bc this was my first pregnancy andmy first tri screen was very wonky- my PAPP-A was super low (.13) and my hcg was high (1.69) which put me at risk for down syndrome 1:45. Given that I'm only 29, I wanted to have it done to make sure that this was not the case and there were no other chromosomal issues. That's how I found out that I was having a boy and that he was chromosomally normal.

The infection bloodwork I had done was parvovirus b19, toxoplasma abs, and cytomegalovirus- all which came back negative. So now it's just waiting 6 more weeks to get
the APS/clotting bloodwork done to see if that was the issue or if it was just bad luck. You might want to ask your dr if they think this might be worth looking into. The only reason my dr recommended it was bc it was a second trimester loss, not a first.

fiorip · June 2016

First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I've loss two little boys, one at 21.6 weeks and another at 17 weeks last May. It's truly a really hard thing to get over but I can promise you it does get better, I always tell anyone in this situation the same thing because it's what helps me the most; you will never forget it, it will always hurt but time will mend your broken heart and time will allow you to move forward. I was tested for infection, coagulopathy, autoimmune disorders, collagen issues, insulin resistance, incompetent cervix and doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me or both of my children, they were both evaluated and pathology reported nothing.

As your doctor said, be prepared for inconclusive results. I wasn't and it took a toll on me, I was happy there wasn't anything wrong with me but I was also broken because it meant that there's nothing they can do to prevent it from happening again, I assumed I had a treatable condition they can just give me some medication to avoid another loss because I can honestly say I don't think I can take another.

I also want to say, and I can't stress this enough, you are not to blame, it was not your fault, please don't fall into that pattern, I did it and it required lots of therapy for me to forgive myself and move forward. Shitty things happen, life is hard and it's not all sunshines, there will be dark times but we must understand that things happen for no reason and we can't control everything that happens.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can find peace. Hugs!

EmilyP524 · June 2016

@szwill86 Thank you so much for all of that information. I feel so lost on the medical part of this all. I know my doctor mentioned looking into clotting disorders but I will ask about the APS.

@fiorip I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for the advice. When others who have been through this say that it gets better, it really gives me hope. Right now I feel like every single day is harder.

I'm trying to prepare myself for inconclusive results but it will be such a hard pill to swallow. I think I'm going in this afternoon for the bloodwork to check for infection...

bai-by2019 · June 2016

I can't imagine the heartbreak each of you must feel with a loss like that...and having to deliver your baby. It breaks my heart. I haven't experienced that so I'm not much help but wanted to send hugs your way. I'm so incredibly sorry for your losses.

EmilyP524 · June 2016

@Bai-by2016 Thank you so much!

PabloAndChristine · June 2016

Our little girl flew ahead of us to heaven on June 17th at 24.5 weeks. I had an incompetent cervix and was dilated and we were just trying to make it to 24 weeks and as long past as possible, but on June 16th in the hospital I suddenly got body aches and developed a high fever and she was already gone. I had chorio and developed septic shock. The hardest thing for me is that we had been trying so so so hard since 18 weeks when we discovered my incompetent cervix to keep her safe. We finally had reached the biggest goal of all-viability. We said we made the biggest hurdle and now it would just be a bonus day of growing every day until she came. Then suddenly everything changed and she was gone before we had a chance to save her again. I see people don't like hearing comfort like that God has a plan, but our faith is strong and I am confident God is in control and is going to make the world a little better through our heartbreaking experience with our baby girl. We named her Hope at 18 weeks because we cling to the hope we have in Him and know we will join her again someday. I don't know if that helps or makes you feel better, but I'm struggling too. It's been just days since I got out of the hospital. But my point is that through my grief I've found comfort. I'm grieving but I also have Hope.

bai-by2019 · June 2016

@PabloAndChristine There aren't words when something so awful happens. I am SO sorry for your loss. The only place I find peace is in prayer. I'm glad you do too. Hang in there. ::hugs::

EmilyP524 · July 2016

@PabloAndChristine I am so, so sorry for your loss of sweet Hope. The way you described your faith is exactly what I'm clinging to right now. I KNOW it's part of His plan and I know I probably will never understand. It brings me some comfort but it also can be so frustrating.

This is a verse I've been praying over and over:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Big hugs!

Hopefulmommy1980 · July 2016

I am so sorry for your loss

fiorip · July 2016

@EmilyP524 allow yourself time to mourn, cry as much as you need to or don't cry at all. Do whatever you need to do. I know right now you feel it's getting worse and it is. Right after this loss I felt every single day was even more horrible and even the small things triggered my sadness, hell a month ago I found myself in the middle of a break down over nothing but right now I feel I can function again. I still have very hard days, I still cry and for a while I even felt I was done trying but I don't feel like that anymore. Be kind to yourself.

@PabloAndChristine Hope is your little angel, she was too good for this world, that's how I like to think of my sons. I'm very sorry for your loss and will pray for you. Hugs.

fiorip · July 2016

@Bai-by2016 thank you for your kind words. Hugs to you

EmilyP524 · July 2016

@Hopefulmommy1980 Thank you so much

@fiorip Thank you for the wonderful advice. I feel like I'm sad all the time unless I stay very busy. Then once I'm not busy it hits me like a ton of bricks. I know it will get better, but it's just so hard right now. I feel like I want to wake up from a bad dream. I'm hopeful with your comment though!

kmkremp7 · July 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. We went in for our gender ultrasound at 20 weeks only to find out that we had lost our baby at 18 weeks. It fucking sucks. I wish I could give you a timeline of when you'll feel better, but in due time it will. I found that I would go through grief in waves. I would be completely fine for a couple of days and then I'd find myself laying on the nursery floor hugging onesies and crying. I completely agree with everyone in saying that let yourself grieve. I am now almost 3 months past our loss and find myself getting better everyday. However, I have a really hard time being around women who are pregnant. I'm trying to be optimistic in enjoying another summer with just my husband and I. I've found that this silver lining helps me cope with our loss. We did testing and everything came back normal (for baby and myself). They have no idea what happened (doctor said it was a random fluke) and I'm still trying to accept everyday that this is the best possible outcome that we could ask for. We are currently TTC again and I am absolutely terrified of what I'll feel when I get pregnant again. I'm sending you lots of hugs and love. XOXO

EmilyP524 · July 2016

@kmkremp7 I'm so sorry for your loss.

We don't have our genetic testing back yet but my doctor said to be prepared for inconclusive results. My placenta showed signs of infection but I have no current infections so they're unsure if that was causative or if my placenta became infected after delivering my boy and before delivering my placenta (there was an 8 hour gap).

I'm glad to hear you're starting to get better and you were able to find a small silver lining of spending more time with your husband. I hope you conceive your rainbow baby soon. I'm also TERRIFIED of how I'll feel whenever we get pregnant again. I'm already a worrier so this will be extreme.

Big hugs to you!

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