Childcare

Knottie52706242 · June 2016

I was raised by two working parents and spend many after school hours at a sitters or an after care program at school. Dh and I currently work 40 hours each at 9 to 5 jobs. I can't afford to go part time, esp since we're trying to buy our first house and will need a new car soon.

My mom has graciously offered to quit her job and take care of our baby boy when he arrives in november. She's in her mid 50s and ready to leave her retail job. This sounds like an amazing offer, but I do feel guilty that she'll be my full time nanny when she's already raised 3 kids of her own.

I had dh talk to mil about helping out once a week, since her youngest is now a high school grad. She's been a stay at home mom the last 25 years for her 4 kids. I asked dh what she does all day, and its apparently "whatever she wants". I thought maybe she would be willing to help and spend to some with her grandson. And I could relieve my mom a little. Apparently she isn't willing to help us, except during my maternity leave for the first three month.

I'm not apposed to a day care oe or two days a week, but I'd like to avoid it if possible.

I feel a bit taken back. My mom is willing to quit her job, while mil who dosent work won't even consider helping out once a week or commit to anything. I'm a little resentful of the situation. Dh seems to think I'm over reacting. What do you think????

Leash14a · June 2016

I have no words.

seven6five · June 2016

Honestly? You should be taking and graciously accepting the help you get. Not everyone has a mom willing or able to quit their job to be with the baby 40 hours a week when they go back to work. And as for daycare? Do your research and find a good one if you decide to go that route. Daycare can be great for preparing your child for preschool and getting them socialized. More so, they build up their immune systems so when they do get the to school they aren't truant for being sick all of the time. I waited for daycare until DS was 8 months though because I didn't want to do it either. But daycare is amazing.

AmandaR417 · June 2016

atcwag · June 2016

seven6five said:

Honestly? You should be taking and graciously accepting the help you get. Not everyone has a mom willing or able to quit their job to be with the baby 40 hours a week when they go back to work. And as for daycare? Do your research and find a good one if you decide to go that route. Daycare can be great for preparing your child for preschool and getting them socialized. More so, they build up their immune systems so when they do get the to school they aren't truant for being sick all of the time. I waited for daycare until DS was 8 months though because I didn't want to do it either. But daycare is amazing.

I don't necessarily disagree with you about the sick thing, but I also hear about daycare kids being sick ALL. THE. TIME. We have a private sitter, but my son is around other kids regularly, and we literally have never been to the Dr. other than well baby visits in 2.5 years.

atcwag · June 2016

....as for the OP...I do see your point, but also agree with not feeling entitled. Your MIL has lived through her child-rearing years and, although I'm sure she'll love her grandchild very much, she may not want to give up her "me" time...which she has every right to.

kgrisham18 · June 2016

I would be grateful to your own mom and not be resentful of your MIL. I couldn't ask any of our parents to watch our kids full-time (but I'm also a big believer in daycare). Those are long hours for people their age to be chasing after a toddler all day. So take your mom up on the offer and maybe find a part-time daycare so your mom gets a break.

RaeJ004 · June 2016

That's a big commitment, even if it's just one day a week. You can't resent her just because she doesn't want to spend one day a week with your child. Be thankful that she was honest up front and that you weren't counting on her and have her flake out.

shevaCC · June 2016

Yup, what everyone else said. Your MIL already raised her own kids, owes you nothing, and shouldn't have to answer to you about how she spends her time. Your mom is being very generous but that doesn't mean your MIL should feel the need to "keep up".

Muscatmommyof4 · June 2016

I agree with ReaJ004 at least she didn't tell you she would and then not do it when your baby arrives. And you can't be mad that she doesn't want to be responsible for watching your baby all day 9-5 is a long day especially to watch someone else's baby regardless of it being her grandchild. Be thankful that your mom is willing to help you most of us don't have that option!

seven6five · June 2016

atcwag said:

seven6five said:

Honestly? You should be taking and graciously accepting the help you get. Not everyone has a mom willing or able to quit their job to be with the baby 40 hours a week when they go back to work. And as for daycare? Do your research and find a good one if you decide to go that route. Daycare can be great for preparing your child for preschool and getting them socialized. More so, they build up their immune systems so when they do get the to school they aren't truant for being sick all of the time. I waited for daycare until DS was 8 months though because I didn't want to do it either. But daycare is amazing.

I don't necessarily disagree with you about the sick thing, but I also hear about daycare kids being sick ALL. THE. TIME. We have a private sitter, but my son is around other kids regularly, and we literally have never been to the Dr. other than well baby visits in 2.5 years.

Trapped in the box!
We haven't had anything concerning enough to warrant a doctors visit yet but I am sure there will be something eventually. Usually it's just a call to the triage nurse. He's been sick almost weekly and has consistently been passing it on to me and his Nana so we're all building up our immune systems. He was regularly around other kids before daycare without ever getting sick but there is definitely a difference. I actually spoke to one of the workers a few weeks ago about this and she said it's the worst it'll ever be in the first 6 months.

Seattleite86 · June 2016

Im sure your mil will take your baby every once in a while. What probably scares her is the "being on a schedule" part. Im sure she wants to just not as a responsibility. She probably wants to be able to travel and do things without being tied to specific days of the week she has to babysit. When your mom needs a day off just call your mil and ask if shes available, i bet chances are she will be. Also, it might be good to "save" your mil as a backup for when you want an evening baby sitter and want to go out to a party or dinner.

kmmnocal · June 2016

Have you offered to compensate MIL for her time? "Helping out" is one thing, free labor on a schedule is another entirely. I suggest finding a daycare that will take the baby several days per week... It's a lot to expect an aging parent watch an infant or toddler 40+ hours a week. I saw my own mom go through this with my sister and it was brutal. I resented my sis, honestly, for making my mom stressed and tired.

juliehollz13 · June 2016

I agree. Your MIL sacrificed her youth and probably career to raise her own children while staying home, she probably wants to do what SHE wants to do for the 1st time in decades now that her babies are grown. You are so lucky to have a mom nearby who's willing to help out, we don't have ANY relatives in the area so it's either daycare or me being a SAHM, You are very blessed to have options.

Chcaggie1 · June 2016

Well it seems like most of us are on the same page here. I agree with the pp, it if very kind for your mother to volunteer to watch your child 40 hours a week. I would definitely do part time daycare it was me and the rest of the time with grandma. Babies (that turn into toddlers) are ALOT of freaking work even on those of us that are young and "full of energy" (LOL!!!) I think its a really big job for a grandmother to watch a baby for 40 hours a week. Obviously it a can and does work for many people but your mom is just now getting the chance to retire so I think it would be nice for her to have a few days a week to enjoy retirement without the responsibility of a child. But whatever you decide.. Your Mama is Truly AWESOME!!

fiscally3 · June 2016

Is there any chance your MIL is just not really a baby person? My grandmother is really anxious about babies, which surprised me since she's had two, and seven grandchildren. She would offer to help after having a baby, but it would actually be the more things like cooking dinner and cleaning. Even now, it takes awhile for her to be willing to hold one of the great grandchildren (like months).

My mom watched my first while I worked for the first two years, and while that was awesome, it also meant that we didn't really have a date night or anything, because my parents were burned out from watching him all day, three days a week (my mom also works, so she worked on the days she didn't watch him.) So maybe you can rely on your MIL for more things like that - you know incase you want to see a non-disney movie in the next 5+ years.

Also I would look into seeing what part-time daycare or drop off daycares are near your mom, as my son became busier, it was harder for her to keep up, and it became a huge help for her to have a morning off once a week.

msu_gal · June 2016

I appreciate her being up front on honest. It would be way worse if you planned on her help and then she wasn't committed to it.

Knottie1458416769 · June 2016

Depends on your culture - if you're Asian, lots of times you can't even get rid of those in-laws. If you can put up a few grand a month, you can probably hire a trained nanny to take care of baby during daytime at your house - to avoid other sick babies. Daycares around us charge almost 3k a month for infants, and we plan to spend a little more to get the convenience of in-home day-and-night care. For us, daycare wouldn't even work bc we work 12-hour days and I'd have to hire someone before/after opening hours anyways.

TheBorg7of9 · June 2016

I haven't read the rest of the responses, but your MIL does not owe you anything, including free childcare or an explanation of what she does all day.

TheBorg7of9 · June 2016

Knottie52706242 said:

I was raised by two working parents and spend many after school hours at a sitters or an after care program at school. Dh and I currently work 40 hours each at 9 to 5 jobs. I can't afford to go part time, esp since we're trying to buy our first house and will need a new car soon.

My mom has graciously offered to quit her job and take care of our baby boy when he arrives in november. She's in her mid 50s and ready to leave her retail job. This sounds like an amazing offer, but I do feel guilty that she'll be my full time nanny when she's already raised 3 kids of her own.

I had dh talk to mil about helping out once a week, since her youngest is now a high school grad. She's been a stay at home mom the last 25 years for her 4 kids. I asked dh what she does all day, and its apparently "whatever she wants". I thought maybe she would be willing to help and spend to some with her grandson. And I could relieve my mom a little. Apparently she isn't willing to help us, except during my maternity leave for the first three month.

I'm not apposed to a day care oe or two days a week, but I'd like to avoid it if possible.

I feel a bit taken back. My mom is willing to quit her job, while mil who dosent work won't even consider helping out once a week or commit to anything. I'm a little resentful of the situation. Dh seems to think I'm over reacting. What do you think????

QFP

TheBorg7of9 · June 2016

Besides, having family care for your child can often be a recipe for disaster. I personally love having people that I pay and I can tell them what I want them to do and they aren't going to argue with me. For example, babies have to sleep on their backs to prevent SIDS, but many grandmothers think that since all their kids survived that it is not a hazard. For another example, whenever my MIL is unsupervised in my house she meddles and reorganizes. One time, she ended up throwing away a pan that actually had sentimental value to me because she didn't think it was clean enough. Also, I don't need to hear all the judgmental comments that she has.

I have used day care and a nannies and they have all been awesome. Just more people to love your baby.

leighry · June 2016

I think having family around to help is a wonderful thing. I think your mother offering to retire and help with the baby is such a wonderful gesture.. but like some other posters have said, 5 days a week 9-5 might end up being more work than she realized. If you can, and have the financial means, doing day care a couple days a week, even if it's half days might be beneficial. Of course, I say this as an option but I myself have never used day care or nannies so I can't give you an actual concrete opinion on how it works out. I work overnights.. and my husband works during the day. My father comes over in the mornings that I've worked the overnight to stay with the girls since my husband leaves at 6 and I don't get home until close to 8. He usually has them up and fed by the time I get home and I take it from there. Financially we are not able to spend thousands of dollars in day care and I know eventually it would benefit me to maybe look into a mother's helper so I can nap during the days that follow an overnight. But for now our current schedule is working. My parents will take the older two sometimes on a Saturday to run their errands, but I think if I asked them to take them 40 hours a week it would get old fast. I know your MIL declining to help even if it's one day a week might seem off putting but like other girls have said, she doesn't owe it to you and maybe it's better she is being honest now. She might be more than happy to cover a date night in the future but being booked into a schedule might not be her thing! Good luck!

Meether · July 2016

It's the same here, my mom helps out with my girls A LOT. She is mid fifties and retired. DH's mom couldn't care less about helping out, but she posts every other day about how rewarding it is to be a grandma when she sees the girls about once a year. She has never worked a job in her life. It's not surprising my husband never keeps in contact with her, as she raised him that way. He talks/ texts my parents more than he does with his mom, and he is always amazed at how my parents will always rise to the occasion to help with the girls. We had a nanny with our first until 18 months, then daycare. At that time, my mom was working. With our second, we sent her to daycare when I went back to work at 4 months (we loved daycare with our first, plus now we were paying for 2). However, she got sick every week, and my mom decided to retire so she could take care of her. She hasn't been sick since. I just did not have anymore time off from work for sick days. I have no expectations from my in laws, but I know when my girls are older, I plan to help them out as much as I can.

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