My FIL creeps me out. — The Bump
Families and Friendships

My FIL creeps me out.

I'm new to all this, but I need to get this out. It's a bit long. 
My father in law completely irritates/ creeps me out. He thinks entirely too high of himself, and his own wife has described him as a "male chauvinist pig". When I first met him, we lived in different states and I went with my man to meet them. We were only dating a few months at this point. My FIL, M, picked me up from the airport and started asking all these questions. "How many kids do You want", "what first attracted you to my son?"  I tried to answer politely, but it was strange. He went on and on about how everyone thinks his son is so much like him. Everyone loves him. He decides to take me to his work place (he works at a university) to show me the campus and tell me all about his job. While staying at my in laws house He and I would usually be the early birds, so we would sit and have coffee. No big deal, I thought. Until he started referring to us as "coffee buddies". After the visit he would email me a few times a month telling me how much he missed his coffee buddy. Or the subject line would say "thinking of you". I tried to talk to my man about it, but he idolizes his dad and it was almost impossible for him to see my side. At my SILs wedding M got very very drunk and while we were sitting next to each other he leaned over and started playing with my hair, rubbing my back, and being genuinely creepy. I was so uncomfortable and kept looking around the room for someone to acknowledge what was going on, but no one seemed to notice. I excused my self from the group and went to my room where I immediately took a shower. The next day my SIL made a comment about how she was about to "save" me from M, but then she said "that's just dad being dad". When I brought it all up to my man about how uncomfortable I was he began defending his dad. The whole situation almost ended our relationship. Eventually he admitted he was embarrassed by his dad's actions and would talk to him. Ever since then I keep my distance. He still emails and texts, but I try to keep it as short and to the point as possible. We have now moved back to my husbands hometown and his parents live down the road from us. I don't see them often, but with a baby coming, and it's a girl, I'm nervous about how he will be with her. He is already saying she will be the homecoming queen because she will be so beautiful "just look at her mother" and all this stuff. He even sent me an email recently stating (in bullet points) how he will be as her grandfather. All these outings and things he would like to do with her. It's just so weird, who does that?! I'm not sure how to handle all of it, but it's becoming harder and harder not to lose it at family functions when he starts creeping me out. If anyone has any advice or has been through a similar situation, I will take all the help I can get! 

Re: My FIL creeps me out.

  • I had a creepy uncle that I used to avoid like the plague and, without too many details, I had good reason.  I don't think I would be alone with your FIL or let your daughter be alone with him.  Always make sure someone else is with her if she is with him.  I definitely wouldn't let your in-laws babysit because your MIL doesn't seem to want to acknowledge the problem with your FIL.  I would be very concerned.  Hopefully, you will get in a parents as teachers group or have some other type of support group that you can talk with, spend time with, and maybe find some good babysitters thru.   That way, you aren't dependent on your in-laws!  Maybe start a mom's group where you take turns watching each other's kids.  You need to find a way to make your husband understand how uncomfortable you are with all the weirdness too.  Try to put him in your shoes so to speak.  He needs to understand how wrong some of his father's actions are.  BE VERY CONCERNED!!
  • ^ agreed 

    That sounds very troubling. Of course he may not be quite as creepy with the baby, since the baby is a blood relative, but then again he still might be. I'm always over cautious with my kids and check on them often if they are alone in a room with anyone. The man sounds really creepy, and although I don't know the family dynamics, your husband should see how creepy it is and that it makes you unconfortable. He should have a guy day and just tell his dad it comes off weird. I'd hate to cause a family ruckus but my fil and I exchanged many words before. Not for being creepy, but just butting into our relationship all the time. I'd rather not go into detail either. Personally I don't like people touching me ever anyway, maybe a bye hug from my parents but that's about it outside my husband and kids. Maybe your husband could just tell his dad you don't really like being touched. And for the creepy comments, you or your husband should say something right when it happens like "okay that's kinda weird" or "you sound like a creepy man in those horror movies" if you add a little laugh it's not quite as harsh... and it's a little awkward but should get the point across. The important thing is setting boundaries. I think you sound completely reasonable and have every reason to be concerned. Always trust your gut and keep your baby safe.
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  • @Knottie88130299 They say a woman's intuition is always right. Follow it! I remember a friend's dad being like that and I got away as fast as I could!
    It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*

    Me: 36 DH 35 
    TTC  9/2016     BFP 12/9/16    EDD 8/21/17    NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
    TTC  2/2017  BFP 3/6/17   EDD 11/17/17   DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
    TTC 12/2018   BFP 6/2/19   EDD 2/12/20  NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
    TTC 7/2019   BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
    TTC 8/19    IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone  BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
    IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20

    AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
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