Managing Expectations When Telling People

emilykathryn86 · June 2016

I'm 7 weeks and have very much limited who we've told at this point. I went back and forth between telling my mom prior to the 8 week appointment...or just waiting 9 months to tell her.

I was so anxious to tell her and finally sent her a cute picture with a little poem and I don't even usually do cutesie! (she lives overseas so I can't tell her in person).

She immediately called me and was just very...indifferent? about the news. There wasn't much enthusiasm and she didn't really ask me any questions. Lots of silence. One of her only questions was if the due date would be the week of Ash Wednesday (she's very Catholic and hardly talks about anything other than her faith).

Backstory, my husband and I have been married 4 years and have been trying the past year (my mom knows this). My older sister had a baby earlier this year (but was completely irresponsible about the entire process and really upset my mom, who flew into the US to help her...sister basically blew her off). I'm wondering if the experience with my sister impacted her response somehow.

Anywho, I didn't go into the conversation with many expectations but would have thought she would have responded a little more enthusiastically. Now I'm not looking forward to telling any family members at this point. How do I work on managing my expectations about people's responses?

fourPsinapod · June 2016

I am so sorry that she acted indifferent towards your news. You are probably right that the experience with your sister jaded her. When I told my mom about DD, she said "I wish you would have waited, you're so young" and I cried and was very hurt by it because I expected such a different response. After the fact, she slowly became more and more excited. Fast forward to today, she is so supportive and is obsessed with DD. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, people act like idiots and don't know what to say or how to react. It totally sucks but don't let that stop you from being excited and sharing with others. In fact when that happened to me, my sister was able to cheer me up by being OVERLY excited. I hope you will find peace to be excited to share the news and move on with or without your mom's excitement. Hugs!

ETA: lots of excitement up there ^^ I need new words lol

MonaLisaRalphio · June 2016

Girl, I'm completely serious when I say this: I often have a really hard time remembering that people don't really care about my life all that much. That is, people's heads get full of their own stuff. Even the people who we think should really, really care about our stuff! They're not feeling well or someone pissed them off at work that day or they're trying so hard to remember something until they can get to a pen and paper to write it down. Or they're bogged down by past experiences, as may well be the case with your mom. My point is, people's reactions sometimes have so little to do with you that they can't even fathom that they might hurt you with the way they behave.

Depending on your relationship with your mom, you may want to take a day or two to cool off, and then just let her know gently that she's hurt your feelings. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you might need to find another way to let it go. Journal it, write a song about it, knit it into your next sweater project, bang it out on the speedbag at the gym - whatever your outlet, throw your frustration into it. And then, really, try to let it go. And try to remember that one person's reaction is not going to have any bearing on anyone else's. All of the joyful reactions - and you will get joyful reactions - will help to drown out the sadness of this one.

I'm really sorry that a shadow has been cast over your moment. I hope you'll find a way to make peace with it, and with your mom.

fourPsinapod · June 2016

@MonaLisaRalphio you are my spirit animal.

birdiejo · June 2016

I think it's always interesting to see how different people react to surprising news. Some people kind of need to take in the information and let it grow on them , and then other people can jump up and down and cry tears of joy instantly. I was unsure with my first pregnancy how everyone would react and found myself pleasantly surprised with most but extremely hurt by one -my sister who I'm extremely close with. Maybe your mom just needs a little processing time? I'm not sure what advice to give you that would actually help other than keeping expectations low and hopefully being pleasantly surprised with future reactions. I'm excited for you!!

emilykathryn86 · June 2016

Thanks all! Totally gonna start knitting sweaters now.

I know friends and coworkers will respond more enthusiastically (which is odd). I'll just consider this a dry run for telling my dad and other sister who I anticipate having lackluster responses as well.

Gingersnap · June 2016

If it makes you feel any better, my Moms reaction was
"oh. I bet your husband is excited."
Um, yeah. Me too.

emilykathryn86 · June 2016

That's all she said?!

MonaLisaRalphio · June 2016

One of the other BMBs has an ongoing thread about rude and/or weird responses people have heard. Some of the things people have heard are horrifying. Maybe we need to have a thread like that! Just, yknow, to help us steel ourselves for when it inevitably happens to us.

Gingersnap · June 2016

emilykathryn86 said:

That's all she said?!

Yep.

poofwok · June 2016

MonaLisaRalphio said:

One of the other BMBs has an ongoing thread about rude and/or weird responses people have heard. Some of the things people have heard are horrifying. Maybe we need to have a thread like that! Just, yknow, to help us steel ourselves for when it inevitably happens to us.

I second this. I've had a few wacky responses.

SweetT · June 2016

My mom wasn't thrilled when I told her about my daughter. But too be fair I was really overwhelmed when I called and told her. However she got excited as time went on, and is obsessed with my her granddaughter now.
I thought for sure she'd be excited this time but she just said "oh what are you going to do if it's a boy?" Because she knows I'd prefer a girl. I give up.
I'm excited, H is excited, and my dad was over the moon thrilled, and my mom will come around eventually.
I know it stings when you don't get the reaction you want but as long as you and your H are happy try not to let someone else's feelings about it affect your level of excitement!

blush64 · June 2016

People rarely react exactly the way you expect or want. Maybe let go of all expectations. Assume no one will be as happy or excited as you are and don't let it bother you.

With my daughter my mom just asked why I would want another. This was the best reaction she has had to any of my pregnancies. I have have many terrible reactions from people, I didn't even make an announcement. (People just found out as they found out)

How was your sister irresponsible about the whole process of pregnancy? It strikes me as an odd thing to say.

cinderin · June 2016

I just tried to remind myself that no one was going to be as excited as my husband and I about our baby, so as long as we were excited, that's what matters.

fair or not, I do think grandparents are the most excited about their first grandkid. also, some people just aren't excitable. engagement, wedding, new house, pregnancy, birth, promotion, etc they aren't excited. it's not you it's them.

emilykathryn86 · June 2016

She wasn't getting prenatal care, she and her husband are both unemployed and virtually homeless (living in her dad's old rundown house). Aaaaand they have a massive tortoise that roams the house freely pooping...so there's that.

emilykathryn86 · June 2016

I don't know why it's not letting me reply directly to people's posts!

kswiger06 · July 2016

@emilykathryn86 I 'm sorry you had that happen to you too. Other people have very well said how I fell is a good way to respond/handle so I won't drag it out

but I have had some wacky hurtful responses too. A thread for it might be entertaining but until then, when I told my grandma she was becoming a great grandma the very first words out of her mouth were "well we wish you were married first" OUCH grandma that hurt! In fact my mil stung us so bad that we don't even want to tell her at all about this pregnancy but we've already told my whole family, so if she finds out through the grape vine... that will be a new nightmare altogether.

varimama · July 2016

@emilykathryn86 are you hitting quote? That will let you reply directly, hitting reply just replies to the general thread.

Im so sorry your mom reacted like that, I'm not looking forward to my mom's reaction either. @MonaLisaRalphio had some great advice. Personally when I'm really hurt by someone I write it down in a letter that I don't send to that person. A lot of times I just feel better from getting those feelings off my chest. Sometimes it helps me realize if there was actually an underlying reason why I was hurt and it allows me to address the issue in a much calmer state of mind.

emilykathryn86 · July 2016

marriedhamstermom said:

@emilykathryn86 are you hitting quote? That will let you reply directly, hitting reply just replies to the general thread.

Im so sorry your mom reacted like that, I'm not looking forward to my mom's reaction either. @MonaLisaRalphio had some great advice. Personally when I'm really hurt by someone I write it down in a letter that I don't send to that person. A lot of times I just feel better from getting those feelings off my chest. Sometimes it helps me realize if there was actually an underlying reason why I was hurt and it allows me to address the issue in a much calmer state of mind.

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