Advice needed

devinsmommy31115 · June 2016

I have an 11 year old SS who has been in my life since he was 2. I have 2 children of my own, 5 and 15 months. My SS lives about 40 minutes from us and lives with his mom. My DH gives him the freedom to come over when he wants, but doesn't believe in forced visitation. I'd estimate that my SS chooses to come about 1 weekend a month. When he's over, he's very moody and withdrawn. He doesn't enjoy doing things that my kids like doing.... Going to the pool, playground, riding bikes, playing board games, etc. There are a ton of kids in my neighborhood his age, but he won't play with them. His favorite thing to do is play video games (totally normal for an 11 year old I get that). We don't allow video games at our house and he has unlimited access to them at his moms house. Today I texted him to confirm that he was coming for Father's Day and he said "no because he didn't want to." I told my DH who called my stepson and told him he didn't have to stay the weekend, but he had to come for the day. My DH defended my SS, brushing off the fact the he didn't want to come. He says "he's just 11, just a child, doesn't know better, etc.". I feel completely differently and was really offended. I teach 5th grade and know that 11 year olds are old enough to be held accountable for their actions. I think that my DH is too easy on my SS because he's worried that if he reprimands him that my SS will choose to come over even less. My question is..... I am feeling increasingly frustrated with all of this, but my DH and I clearly have different points of view. Do I continue to address it with my DH or do I just take a step back?

TwizBeans · June 2016

I believe you need to take a step back. I can tell your heart is in the right place but IMO this is your husband's call because it's his child. In a way I agree with him and think that if he pushes his SS to come over more often it will just push him farther away. Sure, you teach 5th grade so you feel you know kids that age, but your SS comes from a broken home and he might have a harder time being a "normal" 11 year old because of that. Divorce and splitting time with each parent is super hard on a kid. Duh, right?

My husband is the same way with my now 20 year old stepson and I have to let my H make the calls and do what HE feels is best with my SS. It hasn't been easy over the last 16 years and I give my input but have to let my H make the decision on what to do.

Kbchavez23 · June 2016

I agree with @TwizBeans my daughter is 8, younger than 11 I know, but she chooses a lot when she wants to go with the other side of the family. If things feel forced it does make it a lot harder and worse IMO. If video game are his thing and he's not allowed to play at your I could see him wanting to stay home. He's getting to that preteen stage.

needaprince · June 2016

I strongly agree that you are in the right about ss. I can tell you from experience both as a cold of a divorced parents and a step mom that not having step son come over for scheduled visits will kill respect the son has for his dad and tog and his siblings. Yes there was times I felt forced to go see my dad, but I don't think we would be as close as we are now if I hadn't. My husband is the same way about his older daughters coming to see him, and when they give thier mom a hard time she calls him to save the day, but the girls aren't going to listen to him. They only come around for gifts and trips and I've finally made my husbands eyes open to the bribery toe relationship he was having with them. If he doesn't want to force his son to see him fine, but he should encourage a relationship between his kids, because later on they turn into they weren't cared about like the kids he lives with.

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