Question for those who kept their maiden name

malex · January 2009

I kept my maiden name after marriage (for both personal and professional reasons) and I'm curious to know what others are planning to do. Will your child have your husband's last name? If so, will you change your last name too, or will you continue to have a different last name from your child? If you plan to hyphenate, will you be the only one to hyphenate or will your husband and child(ren) also hyphenate?

Some of the more interesting solutions I've heard of -- We have friends whose first child has the father's last name, and the second child has the mother's last name. We also know a couple who both changed their last name to something completely different when their child was born - now all three have the last name of the street where they used to live. Those solutions are probably too extreme for me, but I'm interested to know what other kinds of solutions people are considering.

Soon2beMamaOf3 · January 2009

My husband and I were not married when our first child was born, and I proudly gave my son his last name. When we were married only fourteen weeks later, I proudly accepted his name at the alter. I cannot fathom the idea of having a different name than my husband. It is almost like you accept some, but not all of them.

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · January 2009

I did change my name, to avoid having to think about this later, but if I hadn't, I would have hyphenated my name, and given my child my husband's name when the child was born.

Carrie50 · January 2009

I've had a couple friends that have kept their maiden name. Both of them have given their child DH's last name.

Another kept hyphenated her last name (she's a doctor). She goes by her maiden name at work and husband's name outside of work - which makes it very confusing. Her daughter took DH's last name.

malex · January 2009

Soon2be -- Thanks for your response, but my question is really for people who can fathom it.

lil_rhody · January 2009

Soon2beMamaOf3:
My husband and I were not married when our first child was born, and I proudly gave my son his last name. When we were married only fourteen weeks later, I proudly accepted his name at the alter. I cannot fathom the idea of having a different name than my husband. It is almost like you accept some, but not all of them.

That's quite judgemental. A lot of people have very good reasons for not following what amounts to something that is just done for "tradition".

DeafiesBride · January 2009

I'm in the minority. I kept my maiden name, but added my husband's name in the traditional Mexican way. My maiden name was Herver Martinez, my married name is Hermes Herver. Basically you "push out" your mom's maiden name, and then add your husband's name. I have another friend who did something similar in the southern Mexican tradition (had I done the same, my new name would be Herver de Hermes).

Anyway, my husband is non-hispanic. We've agreed that when we have children, they will have both our names. So our kids names will be:

FirstName MiddleName Hermes Herver

It'll be a Mexican soap operish long name, but it was important enough for me, so my husband very graciously agreed. He said that my last name was also very unique, and something that he would want our kids to have. In a sense, we'd be giving them a piece of both of our families.

I guess bottom line, do whatever you and your husband are comfortable with. If your last name is as important to you as his is to him, then def. have a discussion and try to explain where you're coming from.

mchopard · January 2009

I kept my maiden name, and DC is going to have DH's last name and my last name as a second middle name. My mother in law actually kept her maiden name, and thats is what DH's name is like.

malex · January 2009

BTW my husband is so easygoing - he is fine with whatever I decide. He even said he'd change his last name to mine! As much as the feminist in me loves that idea, I don't want to do anything too "out there," and I'm just wondering what other people in my position have decided.

DeafiesBride · January 2009

I don't think Soon2Be is being judgmental. She's just saying out loud what most men think. In fact, when I mentioned to my husband that one of my friends was keeping her last name and not taking her husband's that's exactly what he said. He also said "it's like his name isn't good enough for her."

Not many bother to ask men to take a woman's last name or make a big deal of it, so men will always continue to think the way my husband and most men think. Yes, is a double standard, but one that both men and women have perpetuated.

In any case, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to think of surnames. It's a very personal thing and each marriage/family has a different way of dealing with it.

annibes · January 2009

I currently do not have my DH's last name and still use my maiden name. I have been trying it out but I think I do want to change to DH's name and have started giving that as my last name in unofficial situations.

However, had I decided not to change my name, I would still give our children DH's last name.?

SharonWantsABaby · January 2009

When we got married, I changed my middle name to my maiden name and my last name to my husband's.

Our kids will all have my maiden name as their middle names.

I knew a girl in high school whose parents gave her the mother's last name and her brother the father's last name, and she hated it, just so you know. She never got used to constantly explaining it.

CanadianBio · January 2009

DH and I have been going back and forth about this as well. I kept my maiden name and he had no issues with that at all. When it comes to naming our child he suggested using his last name, but only because my last name is my father's whom I no longer associate with.

My idea is to give our children the last name of one of our mothers (both of whom still go by their maiden names). I have also though of doing a hyphenation, but with both of our names that may border on cruelty. This is gonna be a toughie!

Sorry if that does not help you.

katJude · January 2009

I kept my maiden name and that's what I use personally and professionally. My 8 year old daughter's second middle name is my last name and her last name is her dad's (my husband's) last name. I have no problem having a different last name than her. She thinks it's kind of neat that she shares this only with her dad and that I have a different name. She's excited to have the new baby have the same last name that she does. An unexpected thing that occurred because of our different last names is that we've become the mylastname-husband'slastname family. My child's school addresses us like this and my husband is occassionally referred to as Mr. two last names or Mr. my last name.

I hope that wasn't too confusing to read!

NewMrs07 · January 2009

It's not a big deal to us. I kept my maiden name and our baby will have DH's last name. Maybe, maybe I will hyphenate my last name with his, but I haven't been serious enough to do it yet.

DarcyLongfellow · January 2009

I changed my name (although it took me a really long time to actually do it!!), but I know many friends who did not.

Most of these women gave their children their husbands last name. I can't imagine different kids having different last names in the same family -- I think that would be really confusing.

Most people I know in this situation have a DH and kids with one last name, while they have their maiden name. If you do this, though, you have to know that when your kids' school, etc. calls you, they are going to call you Mrs. HusbandsLastName. I think the only way to deal with that is to just not let it bother you. If that will make you upset, then this option probably wouldn't work for you.

NewMrs07 · January 2009

Soon2beMamaOf3:
My husband and I were not married when our first child was born, and I proudly gave my son his last name. When we were married only fourteen weeks later, I proudly accepted his name at the alter. I cannot fathom the idea of having a different name than my husband. It is almost like you accept some, but not all of them.

That's ridiculous, in which century do you live Soon2be? Why doesn't the man take the woman's last name? Why is is the opposite? Things change and you don't have to do things according to tradition if that tradition seems outdated to you. Many women have built careers using their maiden name and I don't see why they should change it just b/c they're married. Not taking DH's last name does not mean you don't love him, that's just so close-minded. I totally disagree with your comment.

HisLobster · January 2009

I kept my maiden name (at least I have so far). I told my DH that I wanted my name on my PhD and not his. Anakin has DH's last name with mine as a second middle name (at DH's suggestion), but the twins will just have DH's last name (I think the 2 middle names thing is too long). Just be warned that, at least at my hospital, while your child is in the hospital, it will be referred to as Baby Mom's Last Name. Of course that doesn't affect his/her legal name, just something to be aware of.

Also, for the other poster: Me keeping my maiden name has nothing to do with not accepting "all" of my DH. That's ridiculous! Would he not be accepting all of me if he didn't take my name? Of course not. My DH doesn't feel less loved. His traditional side is a little tweaked but he's okay. As others have said, it's just a tradition, one that I'm not perpetuating. I don't call you out as conforming to some outdated tradition so back off those of us who chose a different route. I don't begrudge whatever people choose and neither should you.

tboneangel87 · January 2009

I proudly took my husband's last name (not just for "traditions sake", but because I wanted to) but my best friend had a different last name than her mother growing up. This caused a lot of issues when she went to go to sign up for school, and also when she went to the DMV to get her driver's license. There was a lot more her mom had to do to prove she was her mom, especially compared to what my mom had to do. Just a thought. It's not a big deal, just means you have to really keep paperwork straight! LOL

*I should point out that her father's name is not on her birth certificate-only increasing the difficulty of the situation. LOL

margeincharge2 · January 2009

I took DH's name but I use both my maiden name and his name as my last name. I didn't technically hyphen because I can't stand the hyphen but I have two last names. Think: Sandra Day O'Connor.

Anyway, our children will have DH's last name. Of the "out there" solutions you mentioned, I think it would torture children to give some of them one last name and the others another last name. And I also think it would be challenging to give them a hyphenated name unless the two names were short and simple. A lot of last names just get too long. That's my blunt opinion.

I have thought about giving any boys we have my maiden name as a middle name. My last name is not one that would work for a girl so I wouldn't do that to her. But I have thought of doing that for a boy. Now that I'm pg, I'm less keen on that idea, though.

tandt92505 · January 2009

Since I don't live in the US, I followed the "when in Rome" addage. Women here don't change their names when they are married.

Children are given two last names. The first is the father's and the second is the mothers. So, if he is Kingsley and I am Johnson, our kids are XX Kingsley Johnson.

Seems like it pleases most parties involved. Just a suggestion.

HeatherandRay · January 2009

I am really glad that you posted this question. I proudly kept my maiden name when DH and I got married and, personally, could never fathom the concept of changing my last name. I am happy with my decision, and DH is very comfortable with it too.

I also could never fathom the idea of our child not having the same last name as me (its mother). And my husband feels the the same about his last name too. So, we have a compromise - Baby will be First Name My Last Name DH Last Name. No hyphens. DH sees this akin to the child having my name as its middle name, I see it as my last name gets to go first

Surprisingly, this is so extremely controversial for many of our friends and family. Everyone always asks what we are going to do about the baby's name and if I would change my name. Again, the thought of changing my name is so completely unfathomable to me, its just as unfathomable as if I asked DH to change his name to mine. To us, this is not controversial at all. We are happy with our solution, the worst thing coming out of this is our child will have a slightly longer last name than others, but if that is the worst, then the baby will do ok!

1MOMMY3GIRLZ · January 2009

I hyphenate. All the children has hubbies last name. It's much easier that way. I plan to completely drop my last name starting this year.

HeatherandRay · January 2009

TandT: Where do you live? I really like that tradition!

Chilz08 · January 2009

I hyphenated my maiden name to my husband's last name. Our children will have his last name.

jenerally · January 2009

I kept my maiden. Both my son and this next boy will have my husband's last name.

Ever since I got married, I've been called Mrs. Husband'slastname ... it used to bother me, but I've gotten over it. It's a nice screening tool for anyone who is calling me to telemarket. I know you don't know me, if you're using THAT last name with MY first name, lol.

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