How do you cope?

hoffmanr7 · May 2016

Hi everybody.

So I just joined this particular message board today. DH and I have been TTC #1 for over a year now. Overall, I feel like I have been coping well, but I do have my bad days. Yesterday was a bad day.

As I mentioned, I feel like DH and I are coping pretty well with our TTTC overall, but we have felt the strain. In the year we have been TTC, I have had 4 coworkers, 2 friends, and one of DH's cousins have babies...and within the last several months 3 more coworkers have announced their pregnancies.

Yesterday I finally broke down and scheduled my first appointment to see a specialist and get the ball rolling on testing. Then, within a matter of hours, another one of DH's cousins posted their pregnancy announcement on facebook. Yeah, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom so my coworkers wouldn't see me crying. I think it is compounded by, not only AF, but the fact that we will be seeing his whole family this weekend for his brother's wedding, including this cousin's and the other cousins newest addition. I am dreading it. Babies will be on everybody's mind and I just am not sure how well I am going to be able to deal with it all.

I just feel so jaded. I normally love babies, but I just don't seem to have that enthusiasm anymore for other people. I say all the right things, congratulate them, but the words feel hollow to me. I don't even feel a shred of desire to hold his cousin's baby. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. I know I should share in their happiness with them but I just don't seem to have it in me.

Has anyone else felt this way?? How do you do to help cope when you feel absolutely surrounded?

lablover78 · May 2016

Hi again- I wish I had magic words but I don't. The only thing I can say is yes yes yes. I relate to everything you say & so do a lot of women here. my DH & I went to marriage counseling the last 6 months & fertility came up a lot. Her advice was to just allow yourself to feel those feelings...not to pile shame & guilt on top of them. She said your sadness is valid! Maybe you will be a mom in the future but for now you are dealing with something that is sad and heavy. I do yoga, write it out, try (but don't really succeed) to meditate. Finally, what has helped me the most is after a couple of years I just put it out there for some of my friends that I had sort of pulled back from due to all their babies. I just let them know that it's not them or their babies but that I'm struggling with my own emotions & journey. It sort of lifted a weight off my shoulders. Hang in there and don't put such high expectations on yourself this weekend. *hugs!*

Ducks&Cats · May 2016

We have all been where you are! I have faked a lot of happy responses to others pregnancies when it stabs my heart. I know that eventually I will announce my pregnancy and someone I know will be experiencing the same feelings towards me. I think it is important to acknowledge my feelings,allow myself to feel bad for a couple days and then I can get over it.

SoonToBeMommaHowe · May 2016

You are most certainly not the only one to feel those things. My husband and I miscarried in May '15 and were cleared to TTC in August when my friend also announced that they would be trying for their third. lo and behold in September she announced she was pregnant, first try....I was
on my way to work when I got the news, turned around, got ice cream, went home and cried on the couch for hours. Then I had a cousin and another friend announce Now here I am still trying and theyve already had their babies, ugh

harleyquinn0621 · May 2016

most of the time i'm ok.. i keep my mind off it by doing things like hiking and working out.. just enjoying time with my husband.. pregnancy announcements are very hard still.. and i don't know that there is any way to really cope except tell myself it will happen for us soon and just move on.... nothing will stop that from hurting because it's something we want so bad. i vent to my husband, read posts here.... eat a bunch of ice cream.... all that just kind of helps me get through that moment until the next one....

csmall124 · May 2016

I agree, it can be really tough. We've been trying for almost a year and a half and have had several friends and family members announce their pregnancies and go on to have their babies. I've shed many tears along the way, but the toughest was my best friend who got pregnant easily and named her son the same name we had picked out. It was so hard to try and be supportive while dealing with our own issues. The feelings are real, but I feel like it's been easier to deal now that we have some answers.

Having someone other than your SO who you can vent to has been a huge help! Hopefully it gets easier for you, but what you are feeling is completely normal!

Msymmers922 · May 2016

Hey! I don't know what's "normal" but since we have been trying four babies have been born in my office and two in my family. It has been like everyone is pregnant except us. I used to feel terrible because I wasnt excited and didn't want to see the baby pictures but it's ok. Feeling like the congratulations is hollow and feeling bad has become my "normal". Some days are better than others. But you are not alone and it's what everyone says but being here proves it.

ChristinaV2015 · May 2016

I agree it is hard. Since we started trying 3 years ago we have had every couple that got married the same year as us (2011) go on to have babies and most have had or are currently pregnant with #2. I've had coworkers come in pregnant naturally with twins at 40 years old! And each time I just remind myself that if I am given the blessing of a child I will want those around me to be happy for me. So I try my best to always smile and participate in their events even when it hurts deep down inside. I pray a lot and my DH and I try not to focus on the infertility but enjoy the time we have as just a couple because one day, prayfully, a little one will be with us.

Plainjanie · May 2016

It is definitely a rough road to walk down. I have only talked to one other person about our infertility struggles besides my DH and that is a male co-worker who I'm close with. He has his own baby struggles that helps me put mine in perspective. (He is also desperate to have children and is close to 40, but hasn't found that person to have them with.) It helps me realize that everyone is going through something and could be all consuming to them even if I were to think it was silly.

I'm also with @ChristinaV2015 DH and I like to remind each other to enjoy the time we have just the two of us and the spontaneity we can have in our daily lives.

Mrs.RedHead · May 2016

Like so many others, I wish I had the words to help with the pain. If it is any consolations I'm right there with you. One of my best friends (my only close friend who is local) and her husband had their daughter in December (after 2 years TTC) and she called me last week to tell me that they were 8 weeks pregnant. It was the first time I realized what the phrase "gutted" really meant. Luckily, they are on vacation this week, so I don't have to worry about avoiding her, but as much as I love her, it is going to kill me to see her pregnant again (twice since DH and I have started TTC).

DH and I decided to spend this summer doing all the things our friends with kids tell us that they never get to do anymore - go to some great local bars for live music, walk around our house naked, watch rated R movies, eat ice cream for dinner, take a weekend get away at a moment's notice, etc. Try to find a little happiness in where you are, but don't force yourself to be happy ALL the time (it's not realistic).

Hoping your weekend was okay. Sending lots of love

hoffmanr7 · May 2016

Thanks everyone for the support. It turned out to be a very nice weekend, with only one uncomfortable moment. I did end up holding my DH's newest little cousin and it was lovely.

daboz · June 2016

I understand where you are coming from! Several people announcing they are pregnant and then having children before I can even get pregnant myself. It's been a long two years of trying and just like you I have bad days and good ones too. I apparently am a crazy lady because I am a nurse that works in a nursery and nicu. So I'm around babies a lot. I just admire them and have to keep reminding myself that one day that will be me.

ReesaAnne16 · June 2016

*TW babies/children mentioned*
@daboz I would find it challenging to work in that environment with IF, good for you keeping a positive attitude! I volunteer in our church nursery and even those it is very hard for me to see all the pregnant mama's, getting to snuggle and comfort the babies is a joy, so I continue to do it.

@hoffmanr7 I'm right with you; Jaded is how I feel too. I've never had to struggle with so much jealousy in my life before. Like you, It's been challenging for me to love my nieces and nephews, because my heart is aching for children of my own. How I cope, is thinking about my aunt, who never had her own children, but was an AMAZING aunt and second mother to me. I was so blessed to have her in my life, that it motivates me to love my nieces and nephews despite my pain. It's not their fault I'm going through IF (and I have to continue to tell myself these things over and over...)

Holls214 · June 2016

I couldn't agree more. My husbands niece just let me know she is pregnant and was not even trying. Couldn't help but cry. It's so hard to stay positive, but all we can do is try. Keep your head up.

zigzag8412 · June 2016

I struggle with this as well. I want to be sincerely happy for them but sometimes it's hard and I don't feel like putting in the effort. I try really hard to remember that everyone's an individual with a different life story. My friend getting pregnant when she didn't want to has no correlation to my fertility struggles. Reminding myself of that helps sometimes. That and reminding myself of all you lovelies and how thankful I am for you. Basically just trying to divert thought from the concept before it lingers long enough to upset me.

kem0514 · June 2016

I am new so I am a little late on your thread but this one touched me the most. This is my biggest struggle. I don't think I have found the right way to cope with this yet and it's been 2 years. It's so hard to congratulate people on their announcements, I even had a fight with a friend bc I couldn't bring myself to say congrats. It's hard and it's a daily struggle and I've learned it hasn't gotten easier yet

How do you cope?

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