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October 2016 Moms
Schell2013
member
Marriage troubles long long vent
Schell2013
member
My husband and I are not getting along at all these days. I'm just about at my breaking point and ready to leave. He ignores me constantly. The last trip we took with the two of us that wasn't with either friends or family, was our honey moon 4.5 years ago. Pretty sad really. I've begged for a holiday for years without anyone. He has never listened to me, or has been willing to make any plans. We haven't even went on a holiday with us and the kids ever and my oldest is 3.5. He doesn't help around the house, he is always on his phone even during dinner when it really pisses me off and he knows this for a fact. In our bedroom he is on his phone watching YouTube or texting someone. There is absolutely no intamicy (not even just referring to sex cause that's been non existent almost a year, I'm shocked I'm actually pregnant). We don't hug, kiss, hold hands, we merely just live in the same house and cohabitate.
Every time I get mad and throw my hands up in the air and snap he says he will change, he loves me and wants to be with me. His actions speak much differently. If it wasn't for our two girls I would say that this last 4.5 years has been the worst of my life. With them no, with him yes they have. We have been together for 9 years and there is just no spark left. I've tried to change, I've tried killing myself to be more organized so I have more time. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, he makes no effort.
My parents watch my kids once a week so we can have a date night. Most people would be totally excited about this and feel so blessed. Well it goes something like this. Out for supper, he is on his phone most of the time texting someone or looking at sports stuff and we talk a tiny bit. Go home and he falls asleep on the couch or watches sports high lights. We've fought countless hours over all these issues. He refuses to take any initiative to find a balance between everything.
When he announced he and a bunch of guys from work were going to Vegas to watch their boss race his dune buggy, that was the tip of the ice berg for me. I've been begging to go to Vegas the two of us and it's always been nope nope nope. I guess I just suck to hang out with.
I havent told anyone. I swore up and down if I had a marriage crisis I wouldn't drag anyone into it. I was stuck in the middle of my parents when they were fighting and seperated and it was the worst and longest 6 months of my life. Thankfully I could drink back then and unwind with a glass of wine. Not the case here anymore.
He knows I'm ready to leave, and he has not made a single effort to find a counsellor for us. I have to do everything I guess. I don't even know if he would go. So I called around, we don't live in a big town so there is only 3 people who do it and it's a one month wait. We don't have a month, we needed help like a month ago.
I am so frustrated and mad. In the same breath I'm really heart broken and can't figure out how it came to this point. I have no friends left that are outside couple friends we share, so I feel I have absolutely nobody to cry to during the worst and most crappy time in my life. So here I go vent to my BMB. Sorry guys had to get it all out. I've kept it in far too long.
That being said if anyone has some advice I will listen with open ears. A holiday together is not an option cause I think I would possibly kill him if I had to spend time alone with him. We don't even sleep together these days most nights, and I'm just too angry to even think about it.
Every time I get mad and throw my hands up in the air and snap he says he will change, he loves me and wants to be with me. His actions speak much differently. If it wasn't for our two girls I would say that this last 4.5 years has been the worst of my life. With them no, with him yes they have. We have been together for 9 years and there is just no spark left. I've tried to change, I've tried killing myself to be more organized so I have more time. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, he makes no effort.
My parents watch my kids once a week so we can have a date night. Most people would be totally excited about this and feel so blessed. Well it goes something like this. Out for supper, he is on his phone most of the time texting someone or looking at sports stuff and we talk a tiny bit. Go home and he falls asleep on the couch or watches sports high lights. We've fought countless hours over all these issues. He refuses to take any initiative to find a balance between everything.
When he announced he and a bunch of guys from work were going to Vegas to watch their boss race his dune buggy, that was the tip of the ice berg for me. I've been begging to go to Vegas the two of us and it's always been nope nope nope. I guess I just suck to hang out with.
I havent told anyone. I swore up and down if I had a marriage crisis I wouldn't drag anyone into it. I was stuck in the middle of my parents when they were fighting and seperated and it was the worst and longest 6 months of my life. Thankfully I could drink back then and unwind with a glass of wine. Not the case here anymore.
He knows I'm ready to leave, and he has not made a single effort to find a counsellor for us. I have to do everything I guess. I don't even know if he would go. So I called around, we don't live in a big town so there is only 3 people who do it and it's a one month wait. We don't have a month, we needed help like a month ago.
I am so frustrated and mad. In the same breath I'm really heart broken and can't figure out how it came to this point. I have no friends left that are outside couple friends we share, so I feel I have absolutely nobody to cry to during the worst and most crappy time in my life. So here I go vent to my BMB. Sorry guys had to get it all out. I've kept it in far too long.
That being said if anyone has some advice I will listen with open ears. A holiday together is not an option cause I think I would possibly kill him if I had to spend time alone with him. We don't even sleep together these days most nights, and I'm just too angry to even think about it.
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Re: Marriage troubles long long vent
The lack of intimacy stands out to me. My husband was the same way. I read a book, The Sex Starved Wife, and it suggested that the first place you start with a man (or woman for that matter) who doesn't desire sex is with health. My husband was diagnosed with low testosterone shortly before we became pregnant with our firstborn almost 4.5 years ago. Men with low testosterone can be depressed or withdrawn and have a low or non existent sex drive. If there are other physical problems, they can also lead to a lack of intimacy. Having him treated has made a huge difference in our relationship. He's still the same person, but he's a happier and more engaged version of himself than he was prior to treatment.
Sign up for counseling whether he will go or not. Invite him, but know if he won't go that you will still have a safe place to vent with an objective person. Getting another person's outlook, getting new tools for learning how to deal with the situation, those are invaluable.
I hope that you will be able to effectively deal with the situation and get positive results.
I think a lot of what is missing is communication, especially about expectations. There needs to be a conversation about Vegas, not just an announcement that he is going. That is unacceptable. Also, I would make sure theres nothing medical like low t, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, etc.
Make your counseling appt, let him know when it is, if he shows he shows and if he doesn't you can get the help you need on your own.
I also vote that you find yourself a counselor to talk to. That is so much to have to shoulder on your own.
Whatever comes, just please remember that YOU deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
DH: 34
Married: May 2011
TTC #1: May 2015
DS: 10/20/2016
TTC #2: June 2019
#2 EDD: 2/20/2020
DS#2 due 25 April 2019
I also agree with setting rules with the phone. We did, and it has made all the difference- no phones out while on date night, no phone in bed and/or no phone after a certain time. We noticed we lacked communication majorily and were distancing ourselves from each other without those rules.
Do something for yourself. Find a moms group, a class, or some meet ups. It will help so much to make some friends.
I also think it would be great if you guys could find something fun you guys would both like to do together, like something active. Whether it is hiking, biking, kayaking, bowling, or anything that you guys can let loose and enjoy each other.
Fell in love: Dec 2005 // Married: Feb 9, 2013
Little Miss Rosalie Harper--Born Jan 9th, 2014
Have parents nearby? Definitely talk to them about your marriage issues. You can't bottle this up, and talking to people who are familiar with you and your husband could help. Just because your parents failed marriage doesn't mean they won't have good insight.
I fully support trying to make things work, but i am a.firm believer in not staying just b/c of the kids. My husband and I both came from households where the marriage was dysfunctional and we swore if it got to the point where both were that unhappy we would end things. Kids know when parents aren't happy, they are very intuitive. A healthy happy mom away from dad is better than a miserable couple.
That doesn't mean I don't truly wish u guys find the spark again and find a happy compromise that lasts. Just remember life is short and sometimes we need to take a step back and reevaluate, being happy and healthy for your kids is what matters most.
My SO continually goes through bouts where he is withdrawn emotionally and physically. He struggles with depression but has recently begun smoking medicinal marijuana and has less episodes now but for long time he refused to seek any sort of help or talk about it. (A lot of the reason why most men don't seek help stems from the whole male macho stigma where men are "supposed" to be strong and not show emotions, even out of embarrassment.) We've been together for 5 years so I've learned to deal with it and recognize when its happening, however, I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me or didn't take a toll on us.
I don't have much advice because I know every relationship is different. Only thing I can even begin to say to you is you should talk to someone (counseling or family), I talk to my SO's mother about everything and she always offers great advice and can sometimes break ground with him and I also agree with Kathleenkat that a solo vacation might be a good start and put some things in perspective. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
SO and I have been together: 5 Years+
BFP: 03/10
First Baby: 10/20/2016
I am divorced from my 1st husband (daughters father). One of the issues we had also was his phone. The majority of pictures of him and DD included him on his phone. (He was also a pathological liar and cheated on me and was verbally abusive). I stayed longer than I should have and moved out when DD was 1 1/2. "Stick it out for the kids" usually ends up worse for everyone in the end. Take care of yourself and your kids. Divorce sucks, but not as bad as living with someone who does not care about you.
Are you close with any of his family members? I'm very close with my MIL. We hangout at least 3-5x a week and tell each other everything. She has been my saving grace at times. She tells me when I'm being neurotic and tells him when he's being an asshole. Maybe talk to a close friend of his or his family member about it. It always helps to get an outsiders perspective.
Me: 28 DH: 27
I know a month is a long time to wait. But I think it's worth it. In the meantime, see if your work offers something, and talk to family if you can.
EDIT: Also, sending you virtual hugs.
Yes he knows the whole phone things ticks me off. He refuses to change. I've talked about a phone basket numerous times, he tells me it's a stupid idea. I've wondered lots what was on his phone that he is so interested in. He isn't doing anything bad on his history that I can find and I think you have to delete all your history not just some of it, and there is a history.
I wish it was easier for me to leave the house, but since he the least reliable person I could count on to stay home with the kids so I can get out it never happens despite my greatest efforts. He always comes up with something else that is more important (work, he promised someone else he would help them with something, he never gets a break) and I just stay home cause it's easier than another fight.
Jusr my 2c after watching a family member stay with a therapist for a year then later on complaint that it didn't "work". You have to build a trusting relationship with them, and it'll be obvious after a few sessions if it isn't a great fit.
After you get a chance to rest and breath for a minute, then you can focus on the things that are bothering you most: set rules about phone use, talk about why he's happy to schedule vacations unless they are with just you and the kids. Like everyone said, do use a reputable counselor to help you through those problems.
I have to add that I watched my parents fight through something similar to this for about 15 years until my mother eventually followed through with divorce when I was in my 20s. I'm not saying this is the course for you at all - just that you shouldn't delay doing something to ensure your happiness any longer. I watched my mom stick it out with my dad for the sake of my brother and I for years, seeing her unhappiness, her depression and it stuck with me, made me very leery of marriage myself. I wish she had pushed more for counseling, both for my parents and herself, exhausted more options to fix it - and maybe have realized sooner that it couldn't be fixed and she should move on. She tells me now that it makes her sad to think she missed out on so many years of just enjoying us as kids and enjoying herself because she was so stressed and caught up in dealing with her marriage. Again, I'm not saying separation or divorce is the answer for you, but don't let yourself get caught up in just getting by, in the day-to-day routine and hoping it will get better. You deserve more! Maybe start with your next date night, ask your husband to please put down his phone, it would mean alot to you to be able to talk about some things. Tell him how you're feeling - try not to get angry/upset, just put it out there. Tell him about the counseling and how important it is. For some reason when our significant others hear things from people other than us, it's like a light bulb goes off! Hopefully, some advice or some situation breakdown from a counselor will lay it out in a way your husband hasn't seen before... Start with making the appointments - you'll feel better right away knowing you've taken some steps!
I feel for you and send you all good wishes and positive vibes. I can only imagine how hard this is, and even more amplified during pregnancy! I'm glad we're all here to vent to and honored you feel comfortable and safe enough with so many of us to share. We're all here for you!! Hang in there!
We saw major improvement a few weeks after starting our book. I'm hesitant to say which one, because picking a book on this topic is very subjective, so I think you need to do research. But, at the end of each chapter there are activities to bring you closer, remind you of what you had and the reasons you're together, discover new things about each other, etc. We would get DS in bed, then sit down to read a chapter and do an exercise. Every night. Before we watched Netflix or I went to bed. I actually looked forward to it. If we managed a date night, we'd snap a pic of the questions and bring them with us, so we could talk about it over dinner.
We haven't picked up that book in more than a month, and in the last few weeks we've gotten very busy, and fallen out of sync. It's on our agenda this weekend to start back up, and I hope it brings us closer yet again.
Anyway, I agree with everyone else that counseling is very important. And, I encourage you to make an appointment. But, also, if you think your husband would be on-board, look into a book. Perhaps that would ease him into the process of reconnecting, as it's more private than therapy?
But, as I said, he has to want it.
A friend of mine is going through a divorce, and she is going to counselling regarding her marriage (he cheated), and she claims it helps her. It will help you get clarity as to what you want, what you're willing to endure and where your breaking point is.
I also agree with doing things for you - if that's a class, gym, movies, whatever you enjoy, and sometimes when you start having your own life separate from hubby's, it makes him perk up a bit.
I do hope you can make it work, but try not to make any decisions in the heat of the moment. At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy, and if that is with or without him, do what you need to do.
Dating: 10/3/08 | Married: 12/27/14
TTC #1: August 2015 | BFP: 2/3/16 | EDD: 10/7/16
DD: 10/5/16
TTC #2: September 2017 | BFP: 4/28/18 | EDD: 1/7/19
DS: 1/9/19