How is everyone doing? Check-in June 20

rainbowturtles · June 2016

Hi there! Just a reminder that anyone can start the weekly check-in thread; sorry for the late start today!

I know we have several new people; we are all so sorry for your losses. I wish none of us had to go through this but I'm glad we have all found each other and can offer support and compassion. This board is proof that you don't have to go through this alone.

How are you doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with? Feel free to rant and vent, this is a safe space. Hugs to all who need them.

GTKY: What is your favorite quick & easy go-to recipe/meal when you're down/low energy/strapped for time?

AliciaGoose · June 2016

I've been ranting a lot already all over the bump today! I'm ok but as some of you already know yesterday was rough because of Father's Day. DH actually handled it really well but in the middle of the night last night I woke up to him crying. When he stopped he told me he missed our baby, and I pretty much lost it. It kills me to see him so upset. We've pretty much decided we are going to start TTC again as soon as this first cycle post loss is over, which I feel good about. Problem is, I have no idea when the hell this cycle will end. I'm coming up on 4 weeks now, which isn't a long time, but being that ovulation is nowhere in sight I'm in for at least another 2+ weeks (unless it's anovulatory and I just get 'AF'). I thought on Friday I was close to ovulating and I felt like a huge weight lifted. I know now this is what I need for closure so I'm just going to keep hoping it happens soon.

GTKY: Hmmmm. We have a couple but my favorite is probably tortilla 'pizza'. You can basically throw anything on a tortilla and put it in the oven for a bit and it will be delicious. My favorite is a BBQ chicken one.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

Awww! That just made me cry @AliciaGoose

Big hugs to you and I hope O and/or AF shows for you soon so you and DH can move forward

pce515 · June 2016

i am ok.. i had a few signs of ovulation a few weeks ago from OPKs but nothing.. its going to be 7 weeks soon and no AF.. not sure what else to do... this is rough..
my favorite snack now is rice cakes with nutella... not so healthy but it makes me happy

JustBored10 · June 2016

I am doing good this week. I am just waiting for the first AF to show since my D&C and Cytotec and it is making me frustrated. I just feel like it will be a closure for me to know that my body has healed and is ready to start over. I got a 90 minute Herbal Thai massage last week which was amazing. I told her about the miscarriage and she focused on my stomach, lower back and hip opening stretches to help heal the uterus and allow optimal blood flow to that area.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

Thanks for starting @rainbowturtles.

I am sorry @AliciaGoose. I hope things move on physically for you soon.

@pce515 have you reached out to your doc (if you think that would give you some reassurance)? I was being monitored by my RE, but AF didn't show for some time after my d&c...I think it was about 10 weeks. There were time when I thought I ovulated but then I ended up ovulating later (confirmed w/bw), not when I thought.

@JustBored10 that massage sounds amazing!

As for me, I'm trying to come to terms with that fact that I am unlikely to be pregnant by my due date, which is around 8/19, which also happens to be my bday. I am thinking about either going somewhere with no cell signal or telling people I am going somewhere with no cell signal so I don't have to deal with all the cheerful happy birthday calls on that day.

Another thing that I am struggling with is getting comfortable returning to religious services. I am not particularly religious but we would go to services about 1-2x/month, and I have yet to go back to my synagogue since our loss at the end of Jan. (we've been to a few services for events, but not at our place). I am pretty sure I will not be able to hold myself together.

GTKY: I recently discovered this frozen mix of green chickpeas, lentils, tomatoes, and olive oil at Trader Joe's, I like microwaving them and tossing them with orzo pasta. Also really like the one pot farro dish on Smitten Kitchen (farro, onion, tomato, garlic, spices--also works with other grains).

mjolk · June 2016

This is going to be a long post, with a lot of whining

I've been hating everything. Yesterday I was forced to be glued to the phone because the doctor might call. Afraid to go outside, to shower, in case I miss the phone. But it always ended up me calling asking them why they haven't called. All I needed was 5 minutes to schedule my D&C!

But then I got a call that afternoon where the nurse claimed she could not schedule me because there wasn't a doctor around or he was busy or something. I explained to her I had already been approved for the procedure and was at the point of scheduling it over the phone before they scheduled a final ultrasound instead. I then complained as well you were going to schedule it on a Friday but you waited until after hours to call me so you couldn't! She also then told me, news to me, I will have to go in and sign consent forms first. Why couldn't I have done that when I was in there last time?

On Friday the doctor's recommendation was even another blood test "if I wanted to". At this far along, with nothing but an empty sac, which I'm now told is irregularly shaped, with last test showing HCG stopped going up, and after expressing for so long I want this to be over with, why is that a good suggestion?

Warning. Paranoid rambling: I am sort of paranoid this has something to do with my insurance. She asked me on the phone in a casual manner what my insurance was. Maybe all this stuff is more complicated than I can see, so I shift from feeling guilty for all my pestering to so angry. My other paranoid theory is that this doctor is extremely anti-abortion and doesn't schedule these procedures very willingly. /parnaoid rambling.

Another deeply upsetting thing to occur is finding out my sibling is expecting another baby. Due the same month I was. I can't even express how much that has been hurting me. When I first found out I figured, oh, probably a month before or after me. But no Same month. That is breaking my heart.

I can't believe in the 21st century people are still waiting weeks with unviable pregnancies... is this not a huge mental health issue for most people like it has been for me? It is sucking my life away. I keep thinking the end is in sight and then suddenly it isn't. Everday I get pains and cramps at some point and think "this is it" but it never is. I'm not even spotting anymore.

So, after my SO also calling the office (not sure what he said, but he complained, a lot, being sure though to express it wasn't the poor desk ladie's fault) I get another after-hours call. They have put me under a new doctor, who I am to meet tomorrow. And I will also get to sign my consent forms. Please let this all work out. I seriously feel like the universe specifically hates me lately.

GTKY: spaghetti squash. so easy and lazy with a can of spaghetti sauce and it can sit on your countertop for a long time.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@mjolk I am sorry for your loss and sorry for what you are going through to try to get through the physical aspect of the loss. I think having your SO call and deal with them is a good idea. Sometimes I felt like I just could not deal with asking a question or getting information, and my DH took over at times like that. I hope you are able to schedule soon and it is (physically) over soon for you.

And I love spaghetti squash! Definitely an easy meal, or when I'm feeling more interested in cooking, I'll use it in enchiladas or something more involved.

chloe97 · June 2016

@mjolk I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are not paranoid in the least bit. Unfortunately OBs error on the side of caution and so if there is even the slightest chance that your pregnancy could be viable, the OB will not prescribe cytotec or schedule a D&C. Some of this does has to do with abortion politics- many hospitals systems, particularly those associated with religious institutions, have very strict rules around when the OB can make the decision to expel the fetus. It also has to do with liability issues, if there is any question about the viability and they move forward with the D&C and you find out later that there was a chance the baby could be ok, then you could sue the OB. OBs have the highest rates of medical malpractice insurance because they deliver babies and a lot could go wrong, so they are extremely risk averse.

All that said, I completely understand what you are going through. I had an insanely low beta rise at 6 weeks (it was 3% in 48 hours) yet my baby had a heartbeat until week 13. We chose to try to be optimistic even though there was very little chance of a good outcome. The baby ended up having Triploidy. If this happens again, I probably would head over to family planning clinic and get cytotech from them rather than wait 7 more weeks and get another D&C.

Try to hang in there. Hopefully it won't be too much longer. We are here when you need to vent!

rainbowturtles · June 2016

@mjolk I'm so sorry and all the politics and delays and confusion must be incredibly confusing

I really hope this new doctor will be more helpful

@pce515 I hope AF shows soon or I agree that you might want to see if your dr can help. And rice cake and Nutella sounds amazing!

@JustBored10 hoping AF shows for you, too, and that massage sounds really wonderful

@BrightenMySky I'm sorry you may not be pg by your EDD or birthday

Since I'm benched til Sep, I doubt I'll be pg by my EDD, either, which just happens to be around Halloween which I'm worried will ruin one of my favorite "holidays"

I think going somewhere with no cell signal or just putting your phone on airplane mode is totally reasonable. When you're ready you can check your messages

@chloe97 reading your story again and that you were 7 weeks in limbo and still seeing a heartbeat and trying to stay hopeful, my heart hurts for you

I've been doing *okay*. There are still triggers. AF is a big one and I'm getting increasingly sad every time we have sex because we're not trying yet so that's something I'm not sure how to work on. And then there's this song. It's the song that was playing as I went to pick up DH and I was nervous to tell him I was pg so I was using the song to pump me up. I love the song but it makes me sad every time I hear it now.

There was an incident at my house last night, my first night alone in the new house so I'm feeling a little shaken up today and sad and I can't even contact DH because he's away on work and out of service. UGH!

GTKY: I think curries are usually a favorite easy go-to of mine, but I have a crockpot now so I'm looking forward to trying some crockpot meals. I guess that's not a quick idea as it takes preplanning but will be easy

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@mjolk I am so incredibly sorry for everything you are going through right now. I know it hurts enough as is, but to keep being shuffled around by your OB and not being able to feel like there is an end in sight seems incredibly unfair. I hope you get the answers you need tomorrow. Hugs.

@rainbowturtles I hear you on the being sad to have sex thing. DH and I danced around the whole idea of sex for a while, and when we finally did I was a wreck afterward. I'm sorry about the song and the issue at your house. It's hard when all of those things pile up and make the already bad situation harder to deal with.

@BrightenMySky I think going away on your birthday will probably be a good thing based on what you're saying. I hope you can plan something and try in the best way possible to enjoy the day. Even if that means forgetting its your birthday all together. My due date is actually 2 days after my birthday. I had someone tell me (in an attempt to comfort me) that I wouldn't want to share my birthday with a baby anyway. It killed me because the reality is I wouldn't have loved anything more. Hugs to you.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@AliciaGoose I can't believe someone would say that. I'm not big on my birthday, and the idea that I might be giving birth to our first child on or around my birthday had be so excited.

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@BrightenMySky It was someone who otherwise has done an amazing job at checking in on me and making sure I'm doing alright. I feel like people who haven't been through it honestly can't even begin to comprehend what you're feeling or how to react to it. It's a heartbreaking experience as is but not being able to relate to others makes it harder.

newlymrsparaons · June 2016

@mjolk I'm sorry you are going through all this crazy waiting. I totally agree with you, in that I felt like I was going insane waiting for things to either progress naturally or to be scheduled for a D&C. I feel like the people scheduling must not know what it's like, otherwise they wouldn't make us wait so long. Politics aside, it's torture, and my heart goes out to you.

@BrightenMySky I haven't been able to get back into religious services either. My mom and stepdad (who have been extremely supportive) have asked a couple of times, but I'm just not ready. For me, it's hard faith-wise, but also seeing the other couples with newborns or expecting.

I'm doing better everyday. I meet with my doctor tomorrow to book follow up US to make sure everything has passed, as well as discuss what is up next with this being my 3rd MC. DH was amazing this past weekend, despite the fact that I was too "in" myself to ask how he was doing Father's Day. Sometimes I forget that it's his loss too, which I feel bad for, but he's pretty understanding.

I know now I say this every week, but I really appreciate everyone sharing here. It helps me talk to the people I love when I can say what "the ladies on the community board" and I have in common. It helps so much to not feel alone in this.

GTKY - not really a meal, but I love baking and can whip out my cupcakes or chocolate chip cookies without really thinking about it. I find great comfort in baking, especially if I blast the Christmas music to sing along to...yes, in June.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@newlymrsparaons I know, there are so many couples with babies or that are expecting at my place, too. The last service we went to before our loss happened to have a baby naming ceremony for a new baby, and I could barely keep it together then, when I was pregnant. I am not sure when the next time I will be able to sit through one will be. Glad it sounds like you are being patient with yourself as I am trying to be in this regard.

mjolk · June 2016

Good news for me, new doc was very understanding and helpful and explained all my reports to me. There was stuff I didn't know-- I wondered why they didn't test my progesterone for instance. Turns out they did and it was abnormally low. It is crazy how much stuff docs don't tell you -- like my first US at ER I was told there wasn't a heartbeat... they didn't mention there was nothing at all. I am glad to have met a doctor I like. I get my surgery later this week.

srnj3 · June 2016

@mjolk I am glad you finally received some clarity and the information you need. I wish you all the best with your surgery.

I thought I was starting to feel better this week but it seems everyone in my "birth club" is announcing their pregnancy and I can't help but be jealous/upset/angry. I wish so badly that I were doing the same. I feel like the world has moved on and is going about its business but I am still stuck here not sure what to do or what is going to happen next.

mjolk · June 2016

^ Sometimes I click on my BMB and wish I had not. Even hearing about that month makes me gloomy. I might just block it on my browser.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

Yes @mjolk. When I want a special kind of torture I lurk in the 3rd tri check-in on the Pregnant after IF group. Blocking sounds good.

lin0442 · June 2016

@mjolk It helps so much when you have a good doctor on your side, that's so great you found someone who works well with you!

I've had such a crazy week- I'm waiting on some references for a potential new job and it's stressing me out, my car wouldn't start today, and I'm pretty sure DH has Lyme disease from our relaxing and therapeutic camping trip. I'm waiting for him to be done at the urgent care right now, in fact.

On the plus side, I had such a lovely heart to heart with my hairstylist today.

I was really nervous about going to see her- she's one of the few people I told before my mc so I was worried she would accidentally say something really horrible and hurtful. But it turns out she has experienced multiple losses and had a long battle with IF, and just gave such amazing and comforting words to me from a place of experience. (Btw she works solo in her own salon, so this wasn't in front of a huge room of women getting their hair done) She gave me a big, welcome hug and it was just such a healthy moment for the both of us. I've gotten a lot of care and sympathy from the people in my life about this, but this is the first real empathy I've encountered offline. It really helped.

chloe97 · June 2016

Hi I've been MIA over here recently. I have been doing better-ish. The puppy brings love and happiness on days when I just want to be sad, he won't let me. Today I had a bit of a breakdown. Im 5.5 weeks past my D&C and Monday I started cramping pretty hard and had a tinges of spotting. I figured AF would be arriving soon, but it's 3 days later and I got nothing. I didn't bother temping this cycle bc we weren't TTC and I knew the data after D&C would just mess up FF predictions going forward, but I did spot check. Last week my temp was around 98.2 and this week it's been around 97.7, leading me to think I had a temp drop and AF would come.

We aren't even planning to TTC for another 3 cycles or whenever things just but it's just so frustrating because I want my body to be normal again. Because I'm 37, I'm also wondering if some of this weirdness could be also indicative of perimenopause. Ugh. Just when you think you're doing better, your body has to go and throw you for a loop.

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@mjolk I do the same. I made the mistake of starting he ultrasound thread on my BMB, so I get constant reminders of what's happening over there every time a notification pops up. Someone shared that I can stop the notifications so I really need to get on my computer and do it.

There were two Facebook announcements when I woke up this morning of pregnancies with due dates the same month I would have been due. That sent me down the rabbit hole of remembering that I should have been able to announce in a week or so. I also should be going to my NT scan sometime this week. Obviously none of that is happening and it sucks.

On the bright side I do think I ovulated yesterday (I've been temping and using OPKs even though I'm not TTC for the piece of mind in knowing what's going on with my body and so I know when to expect AF). DH and I decided we are going to try again next cycle so I am starting to get both excited and super nervous about that possibility.

I go through so many emotions everyday still. It's crazy how deeply you feel a loss and how wide reaching the grief really is. I've moved on to just being generally grumpy instead of generally sad each day. I'm not sure which is better honestly.

@chloe97 I am so glad your puppy has brought you and your DH happiness. On the other hand I'm sorry that your body is giving you mixed signals about what is happening. I know that all bets are off in a cycle post loss so it could just be whacky this one time. Fingers crossed that you get AF soon.

szwill86 · June 2016

@mjolk I still have my BMB starred (mobile user here) and I opened it yesterday to scroll through but couldn't bring myself to open any of the threads. I just can't un-star it so it doesn't show up and I don't know why.

@aliciagoose I hear you with the FB announcements. I knew at least 4 other ppl who are due around the same time as me in October and I had to deactivate since right after my miscarriage. It was hard to do, but now over a month off of it and I hardly miss it (besides when I need to creep/do my investigating into someone or something lol)

I went back to the gym this week for the first time in over a month and was feeling so good about myself until today- there was a girl in my class that was about as far along as I would have been. It took all I had to hold it together before we started but once the class began I tuned it out, so I'd chalk that up as a win for me.

lin0442 · June 2016

@szwill86 I haven't found a way to unstar it, but I changed it to March 17, which at the time had nobody in it. It's starting to populate now, though, but it might work when they put up some new months.

FB had a bunch of baby stuff ads, which I kept trying to hide after my mc and it was hard. I sent a message to their support department but never heard back.

About a week after the mc, a friend of a friend posted their announcement at ~8wks. The ultrasound they posted looked a lot like the happy first one I had. I couldn't feel excited for them, though, all I could think about is that they're not out of the woods yet with such an early announcement.

Hopefulmommy1980 · June 2016

I am really struggling this week. I made it through by just staying busy. I just can't but feel like I will never have a baby. I can't help but wonder if this pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy bc I I didn't wait long enough before we started trying again or if the d&c caused it. I just feel numb, sad, and angry. And it just sucks right. I just keep telling people it will be okay, but I am not sure if I believe it right now.

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@Hopefulmommy1980 I am so sorry you are having a rough week. It's hard not to wonder about all of the 'what ifs'. We all do it. And I know I definitely have moments where I don't feel like things will ever go back to 'normal' or that it will ever work out. So for now all I can say is I'm lucky enough to be in a good-ish place today, so I will believe things will be ok for you! And we will all be here when you need someone to talk to or give you hope that you will be successful!

mjolk · June 2016

@Hopefulmommy1980
I'm sorry you are struggling this week.

I had my D&C/E today and it went well. I had planned on posting my experience in the Advice and Experience D&C thread that is stickied but it says "Discussion not found". The natural m/c and medication one still exist. Anyone know what happened and can a new one be created?

AliciaGoose · June 2016

Just had a moment and I need to vent. We are planning my SILs bridal shower and trying to figure out how we're going to get her there. We're at a loss because originally my best friend and I were talking about making her think it was my baby shower since it would have been about 2.5 months before my due date. Obviously we can't do that anymore. And I just got super sad when I realized that. I know we'll find another way. But it just sucks.

On the bright side, I've generally been dealing pretty well lately! So I guess I should just cling to that.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@AliciaGoose hugs.

HGRich · June 2016

@BrightenMySky @newlymrsparaons im struggling going back to church too. I haven't been since. And you're right, it has a lot to do with babies everywhere. My small group Bible study is literally nothing but couples with new babies and DH and I are the only ones without kids. It's so hard. I so understand.

I had my follow up appointment a couple days ago which gave me a little closure. Doc said I'm good to get pg again after one af. But waiting for af now is torture and so is the protected sex DH and I have to have for now.

Im really struggling emotionally and it's so hard to be back at work again for another long week of crying in my cubicle. Some of my family and friends have begun to treat me like nothing happened and like I should move on. It's been less than three weeks!

It's especially hard knowing I would have been 14 weeks tomorrow, and I would have done my cute little announcement, etc. and everyone would know, and I'd be showing a little. My doctor thinks I also have post partum depression on top of everything which is just fantastic.

I had hoped I'd be a little less emotional now with the hormones going back to normal but I really don't. Been blogging through my journey of healing and coping which has been helping.

Hugs to you all. This is so rough.

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