First time mom but husbands fourth

cassieleeanne · June 2016

Anyone else out there who is having their first baby, but husband/spouse already have kids? I feel like my husband doesn't really care what is going on during the pregnancy, doesn't get excited or ask questions. Been to one appointment, no belly rubbing or helping with nursery. I am pretty sure since it is his fourth even though first boy, he has the mentality of been there done that, but I am having a hard time dealing with this recently.

annabenanna · June 2016

You're not alone @cassieleeanne. It'll be my first and SO's 3rd. It's going to be his first boy too. While I cannot relate to him not being involved (he wants to be there at every check up, gets excited to feel the baby move, is totally hands on with the nursery and is more OC than me at picking out gear, etc), there are things that rub me wrong....

I hate when I hear: "trust me I've done this before we are not going to need that......." or "babe, i had that before, and it's not very practical"

While I know he's trying to be helpful, and he's probably right.... it still rubs me the wrong way sometimes.

cassieleeanne · June 2016

@annabenanna it is so hard, because I don't want to do this alone. I am hoping when the baby is here it will be different.

Another thing that bothers me is that he expects me to act like his other babies mom. I think I have kept myself and emotions well in check since being pregnant, but he always assumes I am going to act one way even though I never do. I guess today is just wearing on me bad.

annabenanna · June 2016

@cassieleeanne, have you tried talking to him about this? Sometimes when I get irritated at SO, I jokingly say "well that was your ex-wife's pregnancy...totally different person, and totally different time. can you please let us have our OWN experience?" He usually catches himself quickly after I've said that.

Can you get him more involved by assigning him tasks to do that he'd be good at?

cassieleeanne · June 2016

@annabenanna I do express to him that I am not like his ex, not even close and he agrees that I haven't been that bad, but yet he still does it.

I try to assign him tasks but he kind of throws fits like I am adding more to his plate, we just bought a house with a pool so he spends a lot of time on that. But he also works swings and stays up from 12-4 in the morning playing guitar and doing his own thing. So I feel on the weekends he shouldn't get so mad about me asking him to do something for me that has to do with the baby, but he still is pissy about it.

It doesn't normally bother me, I am very independent and can get most things done myself, it is just getting him to bond with me and this pregnancy.

AshleyGemini24 · June 2016

In the same boat. This is FI 4th, my first. Although he is excited enough. He was more excited than me about the gender reveal. For the most part, he's very helpful. Only a few times has he compared my pregnancy to his ex wifes pregnancies. Actually on the contrary, i have asked him numerous questions about how things went with my step kids when they were babies.

blaf322 · June 2016

@cassieleeanne ... Question, is this his personality in general towards things? The reason I ask is that my H is just not as excitable a person as I am, in general. We go see a movie and I walk away saying "it was AMAZING!" He loved the movie too, but his response is "it was pretty good." Same with kicks and such. He felt them the first time and isn't exactly excitable about it anymore because it's old news for him. Nothing to get crazy over.

Anyway, my point in all of this is that, it might not be that he doesn't care as much as it's just his personality type.

ETA: which I know, if this is the case, doesn't help you feel any better but it's something I try to keep in mind with my H so that I level set expectations with myself. I also let him know when I'm needing more excitement out of him.

ignoscemihi · June 2016

I also think sometimes men don't get as into pregnancies the second time around because they aren't experiencing the changes first-hand. I'm not exactly in the same boat, as this is my husband and my second child, but I can definitely relate to him not seeming as interested in this pregnancy, especially since he was really involved with the first. I sometimes feel like he doesn't care about this pregnancy, especially since we're having another boy and I know he really wanted a girl. We talked about this the other day because it was bothering me and he told me he does care, but he already did all the research with the first and knows what to expect, so he doesn't really feel like he has anything to do right now. Whereas, even though this is my second time around too, it isn't exactly the same as last time for me because my body is doing different things. I think it might help to tell him exactly what you need from him. Maybe if he has concrete instructions (even if they're things like "ask me how I'm feeling every day" or "don't bring up your ex"), he'll feel more involved.

krzyriver · June 2016

My husband doesn't get super excited over pregnancy related things. I think it's just harder for him to get psyched since he's not experiencing it personally. He does have a bit of a "been there, done that" attitude as well, but it was so long ago with his son that he doesn't actually remember all that much. So I think it's just that he doesn't know how to get excited about something that doesn't seem to involve him all that much yet.

freckledlemonade · June 2016

@bnsmith85 My husband is the same way. He's just more even keel about things, I'm the emotional one. He gets excited about the baby, but just not in the same way as me. He also isn't one to get excited about the anticipation of things...for example, planning a vacation. I get super pumped about it, but he doesn't get real excited until the time comes to actually go on the vacation.

Same goes for baby sometimes. I think sometimes men in general don't get as excited about the baby until the baby is actually there. They don't experience the same things as we do while we're pregnant, so it just doesn't feel *real* to them until they're holding the baby.

blaf322 · June 2016

@sidecarsareforbishes... agreed 100%... and I had a moment where I was disappointed about him not jumping up to feel every time I said they baby's going crazy but he's also good at reminding me he's excited, he's just not as expressive as I am and that how he's acting is his version of excited.

cassieleeanne · June 2016

Thank you ladies for all the kind words, I am feeling better about it today. Yesterday he was just in a very off mood which made me dwell on the fact that he doesn't really get involved at all. Today will be the second appointment in five months that he has gone too and he was complaining about going. My feelings were hurt!! But like most you said he doesn't get excited over much, and he does show he cares about how I am doing just wish I didn't feel so alone during the pregnancy. Can only get better though right lol

krzyriver · June 2016

@cassieleeanne If it makes you feel any better, my husband doesn't go to any appointments. He went to a couple early ultrasounds cause he was laid off for the winter. And he went to the first part of our anatomy scan. But OB appointments and the second part of my anatomy scan he didn't come. If I even asked, he would get frustrated and go on about how we need the money and he can't afford to take time off work, so I don't even bother. He's got a point, but it's still a bummer to me.

I've been in the ER a couple times too, but my parents come and stay with me because it's too hard for him to get off work. If he thought something was really wrong, he'd come, but they usually tell me right away that the baby is fine.

He's just not that type of person. He can't leave work, he'll stress about the money he's losing and be of no use to me anyway. Guys have their own ways of being excited and getting involved in this stuff. It sucks sometimes cause we want them to react the way we do, but they just don't.

cassieleeanne · June 2016

@krzyriver I am glad to know I am not alone in the disappointment department. Overall I am happy to have this baby and should focus on that more than him not being something he is not.

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