"Homage" Post on EDD

dubcompanion · June 2016

Today, I have seen three separate FB posts about miscarriage - no personal stories, just uplifting memes. With my EDD looming in two days, they're really comforting. It helps to know there are others IRL (more than the one I'm aware of) who are waiting for their rainbow baby. Even more so, it helps to know there are people have had losses that are not afraid to talk about it and/or people who are not afraid to advocate for those who have. I wish I had that strength on FB.

Just maybe, I could do an homage post on my EDD? I worry if it'll be too much or if it seems attention-seeking, considering very few people know about our loss. I could see it being very cathartic, and I can also see myself feeling like I've revealed too much. I go back and forth on being a private person, depending on the topic. I have a lot of coworkers and family on FB, all of whom would be supportive. I think I just don't want to do it for the sake of "I'm sad today, and here's why." I'd like it to be more of "Today is an important day, and here's why." Does that make sense?

What are your thoughts about an EDD homage post? For instance, if someone you know were to do this, would you wonder why they'd bare it all on social media, or would they inspire you? Personal stories and opinions from all of you help me, even if we have different circumstances and social relationships.

chloe97 · June 2016

Hi @dubcompanion. I'm sorry about your impending EDD, mine is on Monday so I can relate.

To answer your question about what I would think about an homage post on Facebook- it really depends on my personal feelings towards the person and whether or not I perceive them as attention/seeking already. If you rarely post about personal matters, your post would catch my attention and I would feel for you and probably message you to let you know I've been dealing with the same thing. If you are constantly posting things to try to make me feel sorry for you, I'd roll my eyes and move along.

It's a really personal decision and it's one that I've thought about doing myself. If anything, I might send a long email to close friends and family rather than post of FB.

SoonToBeMommaHowe · June 2016

Hey @dubcompanion. Im all about the putting it out there to try to help others approach. My sister has a friend that's battling infertility for nearly three years now and hasn't talked to anyone about it besides my sister (who is clueless since she got preggo on BC with her first and first try with her 2nd) so I went ahead and shared some material that I've found helpful with her privately. And even though she never said anything to me my sister said that a couple months ago she finally decided to go for testing and is excited because she was starting her first round of meds (Clomid). I'd like to think she read some of the material and was Inspired to be more proactive.

There are so many ppl out there going through this depressing, lonely process and I figure if my experience helps just one person feel better/not alone than why not share it. The miscarriage was not my fault, they were my babies and they are very important to me so I'm going to talk about them.

Also I know that when I was struggling and other women shared their stories with me it really reassured me that I wasn't alone in this process. And it's strange to say comfort but in some ways it comforted me to hear their stories.

I like the "today is important and here's why" take on things. Sending you lots of T&Ps to help you get through the week

iceandsnowflakes29 · June 2016

Sounds better than all the other stupid shit asshats post on FB these days.

Like seriously. Post about your EDD.

That is so much less... tacky? Than my gift grabby friend who posted her birthday wish list and then bitched because she didn't get gift cards.

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

@dubcompanion I'm all for doing whatever it is you need/want to do to help heal. I'm personally not big on FB but i would be touched to see someone's story about a loss and would offer support. I think you should consider posting something if it will help ease your mind, i'm sure you will receive loads of support from your friends and family.

iceandsnowflakes29 · June 2016

^^ she said it better

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

I think if you want to do that, I think it would be a great idea and not attention seeking at all. I think I might put something on FB because my EDD is in October and that is also Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss awareness month.

lilylover27 · June 2016

@dubcompanion sorry about the upcoming EDD. I hope you find some comfort on that day and it is not too terrible for you.

As for the FB post I feel it is a personal preference. I know at first I was very closed off about my MC but I am starting to become more open about it and found out about a month ago that a mutual friend had suffered multiple MC and has a beautiful baby girl and now a baby boy on the way. It really helped to share my story with her and hear hers as well and see it is possible to have your rainbow baby after all this sorrow. I then decided to tell some close friends, who are not even close to TTC yet with their significant others, and I was amazed at the outpouring of support I received. It really makes me feel like I have a support system and I feel like when we are (FX) expecting again I won't be a secretive about it this time. Last time only our parents and siblings knew and even though it was hard to tell them about the MC, it was even harder to pretend to be OK around people who didn't know.

I personally have not posted something on FB and probably won't post anything too specific when/if the time comes, but I have shared and liked posts on MC and baby loss and even the posts where people explain why you should never comment on people's lack of children, too many children or only one child. I think by sharing these people will get the idea that this is in some way important to me without getting too personal. I feel like if we do get our rainbow baby and are ready to announce it I may make a comment referring to the one lost and the ups and downs of our journey.

Honestly it is up to you, I do not think it is attention seeking at all. I don't know why MC has to be so taboo. I think if you are comfortable with posting it then go right ahead, there is no shame is what we have been through.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

I think you have to do what feels right to you. I would not find this attention-seeking at all. I have a fantasy that we have our rainbow (I said fantasy) and I post something about how it took us "x years and y losses" to get to this point to acknowledge our journey, but I am not sure if I will ever be ready for everyone to know about our struggles.

TScalei · June 2016

@dubcompanion- I don't think its attention seeking at all. I wish it was less taboo to talk about it because it would probably make this whole process feel a little less lonely if we knew other people IRL that have gone through this. But you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
@brightenmysky - I wish people did that when they announced pregnancies on facebook and I wish I was brave enough to do that myself whenever that time comes. I guess I always just assume when I see pregnancy announcements that everyone had no problems conceiving. If they also included how many months/years it took them to conceive and how many losses it might take the sting out of seeing all these announcements and inject some realism into it.

dubcompanion · June 2016

I'm overwhelmed by the thoughtful responses. Thank you all - this is exactly what I'd hoped to receive.

@chloe97 Thinking of you also with your upcoming EDD. Without tooting my own horn, I always make sure that what I'm posting - particularly when it's serious, e.g. a major life event - is more to inform or to share rather than to vent or keep driving the point home. For instance, when my aunt passed away last year, I wrote an homage to her. I also posted about her 1 month later. That was that. FB knew I was in mourning, and people had expressed condolences. If I needed additional support, I leaned on my family.

Either I've unfollowed the right people, or FB users have matured (probably a little of both), but I can't think of anyone on my list whom I'd not care about if they posted about a loss. Believe you me, I know there are types like that out there. It gets to the point where them freaking out over stupid shit is akin to them actually having something tragic happen. Just look at @iceandsnowflakes29 's friend

@lilylover27 @SoonToBeMommaHowe I agree that it's so rewarding to reach out and help others who have also been through a loss. I've felt guilty that I'm not doing more to support those who may feel alone, and it's what is driving me to want to post an homage on our EDD.

@BrightenMySky @TScalei @lilylover27 I've considered announcing a future pregnancy as a rainbow baby when the time comes. If I opt to not do an homage post on the EDD, I might end up doing that instead. If I ultimately write an homage, I probably won't mention our loss again when we announce. As I said to @chloe97, I want to make sure my posts convey a clear message - not just keep driving a point home... (Jeez, you'd think I was my own PR person). So, whether I post on the EDD or announce a rainbow baby, the message essentially is the same: We are struggling/we've struggled, and I'm here if you need to talk.

MooFish2364 · June 2016

@dubcompanion I have gone back and forth about the same things. Part of me wants to be open about it so that others will do the same. I'm sick of the stigma attached to pregnancy loss. But the other part of me just doesn't want people to know. I hate the thought of people pittying me or talking about it behind my back (even if it's not really negative). I also am friends with coworkers and do not want them to know. Too much going on at work and I don't want them to maybe overlook me for raises or promotions because they know I am planning a family. Sorry I don't really have any good advice...I have no idea what to do myself.

@iceandsnowflakes29 I can't believe someone would post a gift list on fb and then complain when they don't get what they want. I have a hard time telling my MIL what I want for Christmas even when she tries to force it out of me.

iceandsnowflakes29 · June 2016

Love my friend to death but, she has the social tact of an ant at picnic.

Edit word

chloe97 · June 2016

@dubcompanion I probably came across as too harsh when I said I would roll my eyes and move on if I saw your MC-post as attention seeking. I have a cousin who is the epitome of FB-attention seeking and she is constantly posting about her now 8 year old son being born with a cleft-lip, how she left her violent ex 7 years ago and is a domestic violence survivor, and how she had 2 MCs 9 and 10 years ago. All these things are worthy of sympathy, but she has a regular rotation where she brings all this stuff up 3-4 times a year. That is attention seeking. One post on your due date is not.

I am confident that you will do it in a way that will elicit support and bring awareness to this being an all-too common issue. So I say go for it. I'm just also saying that not all Facebook users can post about MC in a way that is not-attention seeking! We all have those crazy folks in our lives unfortunately!

dubcompanion · June 2016

@MooFish2364 That is also something good to consider - people discussing it without your knowledge. I do feel comfortable with my coworkers at this point. Two of them, who are a married couple, lost their baby in the second trimester. (It occurred 2 months after my loss.) I'm not friends with them on FB, though I learned from that how supportive my workplace is. Work relationships are a funny thing. They vary so widely from company to type of workplace, and even within floors of the same building.

@chloe97 I still appreciate your outlook on it. It's important to be self-aware of your presence on social media. Everyone has the right to post what they want, make no bones about it, but you also want to refrain from a "boy who cried wolf" type reputation. Otherwise, the day you really have something to say, no one's going to want to hear it.

mylittleversailles · June 2016

I 100% support anyone doing anything that builds up a network of support for themselves and others. I support you, no matter what your decision ends up being. I am committed to uplifting and surrounding myself with people who are the same.

DH and I were public on Facebook about our loss. I made a conscious choice a few years ago to not have anyone on there I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing details of my life with - so I deleted high school acquaintances etc. I don't have time or energy for the stresses people I don't even like can drag into my life. I was touched and lifted up by the people left behind, some were our closest friends in the flesh, others long time internet friends. One, who continually checks in with me still, was just a wonderful lady I had exchanged emails about strategies for making veganism more inclusive with. I want to be the kind of person who can ask for help when I need it and this was a true test of that desire.

dubcompanion · June 2016

@reneeannemm Facebook is a wonderful outlet for sharing our personal lives and reaching out to others. When we set up our friends lists in a manner that suits us, we can feel comfortable being ourselves on social media.

roper2617 · June 2016

@dubcompanion you do you! I think that if it helps you, then do the homage. If anybody has anything negative to say then delete them. Ain't nobody got time for that level of negativity.

Edit to add:
When I had my mc I posted a photo of a quote that has helped me through a few struggles, but really stood out in that moment and just left it at that. I didn't do a homage post around my EDD, not because I'm against them, but it just didn't feel like the right time for me. I would absolutely support any of my friends if they chose to post an homage.

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