Sex after baby

Jyoung327 · June 2016

Longtime lurker here, I apologize if I appear to be a stranger to many. I read this board an uncomfortable amount, especially during all the hours of nursing for some entertainment and commiseration. I did a board search for this topic but only found relationships after baby....but I have some *questions* about sex post baby...

Maybe you've already done it and it was nbd but my baby is 4 weeks 3 days old and I'm feeling like a virgin all over again, and the anxiety of getting back to it with my husband is making me dread it. For example our anniversary is next week and he has been very patient and supportive of my healing (2nd degree tear on both sides with dissolvable stitches) buttttt the man has dropped some hints that he would like to get back some more intimacy. He knows my doctor said 4-6 weeks, but we are there now technically.

Soo my questions are:
How long did your doctor say to wait? Did you listen? Was it awful? Did it hurt? Was it ok? Tips to not make it hurt? Where was your baby, or how did you plan around baby?

I feel like this is one hurdle that will get our relationship a little more back to normal but I'm just plain scared to go there after the various pains my lady parts have experienced in the last month. Hope this was okay to ask, and feel free to throw in other questions or comments as well! Thanks :-)

lionstigersbears · June 2016

Everyone is different! First you really should be officially cleared by your doctor for sex at your post partum appointment. Some people go for it before then but it's not the official guideline. As for my experience the first time around...it wasn't awful and it wasn't amazing. If we are being real here I suggest wine, lube and you on top so you have control for comfort. It made me so nervous but it started us back on track and eventually our sex life was better than before.
Wait until baby is asleep and hope for the best!

kp90 · June 2016

I had some of your same concerns but I wanted to get our sex life back to feel some normalcy. I was told 5-6wks. We actually had sex once successfully before I was cleared by my doctor and had tried a few times prior to that but it was too painful. Like PP said, everyone is different.. But for me the first time hurt. It was the weirdest thing and I felt like I was never going to be able to have sex again. It can feel discouraging but I assure you after the 6 wk mark it gets better. Although me being on top is still painful. Missionary is what works for us. Give yourself time to heal but it does get better and back to normal! Promise.

cortney626 · June 2016

My dr said 4-6 weeks. We did it for the first time one day shy of 4 weeks. I had a c section. It was sore for the first several penetrations. Then got better. Lube would have probably helped from the beginning but wasn't needed after it stopped feeling sore. But everyone suggests lube. It's still a little sore once we start but it subsides and I feel like normal. But like I said, I had a c section so I have no idea what a tear feels like.

kbrands7 · June 2016

I was cleared yesterday morning at just past 6 weeks and we dtd yesterday (afternoon quickie). I had a csection, so I can't speak to how a tear would gel down there, but in general it was very tight and sensitive/almost burning initially, even with lube. We went slow at first. A few minutes in, it got much better. We're using condoms as birth control right now though, so some of that may have been from the friction of the latex. I'd say just be sure to communicate what works and what doesn't so that you can both be comfortable. If you're bf, it's common to be dry down there for a little while, so lube is pretty essential. Baby was sleeping, DS1 had naptime/quiet time in his room.

tripledaggerWed95976 · June 2016

I had second degree tearing so I had to wait 6 weeks. We have done it 3 times since my 6 week appt (that was 2 weeks ago) and honestly it wasn't bad. I thought it would be HORRIBLE... It wasn't though. Personally, I feel like doggy style laying on my stomach was the most comfortable position so far. I would however suggest having a cocktail or a glass of wine before the first time- that's what I did haha

wamam027 · June 2016

My husband deploys in the next week so he was really really looking forward to sex before he leaves for 8 months. I went in prior to my 6 week appt at 5 weeks due to thrush and my ob went ahead and cleared me then. We dtd the other day for the first time (it was the first opportunity we had since being cleared where the baby actually napped long enough). I had a first degree tear and two stitches. It was painful, not going to lie...even with lots of lube. It wasn't so painful though that I wanted to stop, and to be completely and brutally tmi, I probably had the best orgasm of my entire life despite it hurting some. If you had a vaginal delivery especially, to me it makes sense for it to hurt initially as things kinda got all wonky down there with delivery. Just go slow, use lots of lube, and know that it may take a few goes at it before things start to feel "normal" and less painful downstairs. Good luck!

JoMunson · June 2016

First, let me say I could have written this myself a few weeks ago- I was anxious as all get out, which didn't help that DH started pressuring me because he was itching to do it and I was struggling with the duality of being a mom AND someone's partner.

How long did your doctor say to wait?
my midwife didn't tell me to wait any specific amount of time. I did have a small tear that required I believe 1-2 stitches and I had been in labor and pushing for a VERY long time so I was extremely swollen and exhausted. I had heard you wanted to wait six weeks from you know, the omnipresent "they".

Did you listen?
No. In the end I waited five weeks three days. Really what I was waiting for was for going to the bathroom to not be an ordeal. Once I'd stopped post partum bleeding, post partum discharge, swelling had gone down, and I felt confident to wipe normally (instead of the classic pp dabbing) and emotionally I felt more stable and like I could manage this new reality, I went for it.

Was it awful?
No. It was FUCKING AMAZING. DH and I hadn't really had sex very much when I was pregnant and (TMI?) Ezra came on my "taking care of myself" day so I hadn't had an orgasm in a very long time.
Did it hurt?
Nope. Because I had a perineal tear doggy style was a little less comfortable but it wasn't painful, more like something rubbing me the wrong way.

Was it ok?
It actually releved a lot of stress and anxiety I had built up. I felt happier and closer with my partner.

Tips to not make it hurt?
My one big tip is take things slow. You've been re-routing your brain and it can be really challenging to remember that part of yourself. We started with some sex acts that were just for him and he actually had the great idea to put some candles on, turn the lights out, and give each other massages (that later turned into oral sex). Going slowly back into intimacy can make it seem a lot less scary.
Also lubrication! I don't have an issue in this area but I have read and heard that post partum women can be a little dryer down there.

Where was your baby, or how did you plan around baby?
All the times we've been intimate Ezra has been asleep in another room or (one time) in the care of his parents while they thought we were changing from going in their hot tub. I make sure Ezra is in a safe spot like his crib or rocker and the door to the room he is in is closed with no pets allowed in and were in an area where I could hear him if he started crying.

kitandcat · June 2016

I had a csection and I am also nervous!! I had a 4 week post partum appt and my doc said technically it's ok anytime but his recommendation is 6 weeks. DH hasn't been "pressuring" me necessarily, but he's basically been hitting on me the last couple weeks, being cute about it and saying he knows nothing is going to happen but he's going to keep putting the vibe out there for when I decide I'm ready. Sometimes it's cute/funny and sometimes I want to punch him LOL.

the biggest reason I don't feel ready is because I feel
disgusting!! I've got this belly still going on, and I feel like I'm constantly covered in spit up and breastmilk, and I have this vision that breastmilk will just be effing spraying everywhere!! And I'm just such a hot mess all the time I can't even imagine myself in a sexual situation... Altho DH obviously isn't put off by all of it, so
who knows. The whole ordeal makes me anxious!!

lizChesnut · June 2016

I've always had a high sex drive. Even pregnant, we still had a quite a bit of sex. But PP sex is putting me off. I'm 4 weeks pp, my husband is getting ansy. Part of me wants to just go for it it and the other part feels like the thought of sex makes me want to cry. My tummy is still a little squishy. My boobs are sore. He says he finds me sexy and he clearly does, he's been all over me. But that just makes me feel worse! I'M so tired and feel sweaty and milky and gross. Maybe I'm just still adjusting to my new life with a newborn? And honestly when LO is asleep I don't want to run off to DTD I want to sneak in some sleep! I'm still so tired!!!
I miss feeling sexy and flirty with my husband

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