Hey everyone, It's 6:30 in the morning and I woke up to find a message from my mom sent at 1 am. It's the day I've been dreading so much: My brother and his wife will be announcing their pregnancy on fb. I am falling apart hysterically sobbing in the shower. It should have been me. I deleted them all, including her whole family from my fb when they decided to tell me at 5 weeks. Just a month after what we went through. I literally just stopped crying each and every day when they dropped this bomb on me. I had no idea they were even trying as they had just gotten married.
They conceived a week after our 17 week loss. Despite the fact that I WAS close with her and she actually works at my doctor's office and knew every detail of what was going on with our pregnancy- like everything- she hid the fact that they were trying from me. The feelings of deceit and backstabbing are so intense because of this. I just basically stopped talking to them after this happened. I have no idea where to move forward from here. I have posted about this issue onthe loss boards, but if anyone has advice please share. I just can't be around them or even think of them without crying. It just intensifies my grief to a point where I can't be around them and don't know if/ when I will be able to. I may even be switching doctors to avoid her.
Me:35, DH 37 ~ Married July 2014
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
Re: Rough day ahead..
@KarenBeth714 I am so sorry that you are feeling this way but don't feel like you are doing anything wrong- you are only human and things like this can be very triggering. I am going through something similar. A co-worker of mine- who I considered a good friend as well at one time, announced her pregnancy a month or so after I miscarried. She must of found out she was pregnant around the time that my MC happened. She didn't even tell me beforehand separately- she told me in front of everyone and put me on the spot and I of course was very upset. She is 5 weeks behind what I would of been and I can't help sometimes but think of myself when I'm around her.
Anyways we had a falling out because I didn't think she respected/supported my feelings in that moment and wasn't being a good friend and overall being around her just made me upset so I cut her out. We haven't talked in almost 2 months even though we see each other every day. I think as time goes on I feel better and maybe we will start talking again but I don't think I will ever consider her a real friend- its kind of hard to avoid a co-worker, the same as its hard to avoid a family member.
Now I don't think she did anything intentional to hurt me- I knew she was trying at the same time as me. It was just really bad timing and unfortunate circumstances. I just have to accept that everyone's path is different and not everyone understands what you are going through and how to deal.
I know its hard not to feel angry and betrayed but I hope in time you will feel better around your SIL but you take all the time you need.
This is all so hard and brings up so many different emotions. And is just compounded when life moves on for everyone else while we are still in the depths of our grief. Sending you lots of love today.
PS....I'm all about deactivating Facebook. The amount of sadness that gives me is just not worth it.
TTC 09/15
*TW Loss mentioned*
BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
TTCAL 3/2016
Acupuncture 11/16
Dx December 2016: unexplained
January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
BFP #2 01/30/17 Please be a sticky baby!
EDD: 10/15/17 Measuring ahead! 10/12/17
Ambrose born on his due date!
Here's my thoughts:
I know they say a loss is a loss no matter what gestation but, I've had 4 early losses and lost 2 parents. I truly think a 2nd tri or later loss would be harder than any of that. Just seriously, I cannot even fathom it so, I'm very sorry for your loss.
With that said, I think you're (or at least I would be) in survival mode here. Honestly, I would do whatever it is that makes you feel better at this point.
If you need to avoid her to protect your heart, then do it.
If you need to switch doctors, do it.
I would do whatever it is you need to do to survive and be functional -ywim?
And unfortunately, I would assume that anyone married is TTC. Start expecting the announcements. They usually happen around holidays. ANY HOLIDAY. I don't know what it is that makes women compelled to announce with a holiday but, yeah.
For example, if it's Halloween then their expecting "a little pumpkin", 4th of July ? They might welcome their "little fire cracker" on such and such day. Thanksgiving then they're "eating for 2". And on and on. I also look for signs others around me might be pregnant that way if they do announce, I'm less surprised. For example, if my SIL isn't drinking and is complaining that she's wore out, I automatically thinks she's pregnant.
Anyway, take care of yourself. Huge ((hugs)).
@iceandsnowflakes29 I knew my co-worker was pregnant for weeks! She stopped eating fish for lunch (she used to eat salmon at least once a week) and started eating pb&j instead with oranges every day. I'm a dietitian so we pay attention to what each other eats pretty much. Cherry on the top is she goes to the same OB/GYN practice that I do and she announced she was going to a gyno appointment that day (same day I was going to my post D&C follow up) and I saw her in the waiting room- with her husband. I'm sorry you aren't fooling anyone- your DH isn't accompanying you to your pap smear. With that said, I wish she would of given me more notice because it was obvious to her that I knew.
When I was KU at least 3 co-workers knew (1 straight out asked me one day) because I didn't eat lunch meat on a sandwich one day. One slip and you are done....I need to step up my A game for next time lol.
I think changing docs is a great idea, totally reasonable and smart thing to do to protect yourself. I guess the only issue is if you really love your current practice aside from the fact that she's there, but it still might make sense.
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
I will say that it took me a while to reach out and congratulate her but the rationale that helped me (and I don't want to sound insensitive at all) is that I'm not the only one in this world that really wants a baby so should I really be angry that she was blessed with a baby that she really wanted? And also that if/when I do conceive again I know I'm going to need a ton of support and I really want ppl to be happy for me so is it worth it to be push away everyone that gets pregnant btwn my MC and next BFP? I've had four family or friends announce since my MC and it took me nearly over six months to be able to see these people in person, I only gave my well wishes via text and social media prior to that.
I think you need to listen to your heart and take whatever time and space is best for you. And maybe when you feel ready have a conversation with her about how you're feeling, ppl that haven't gone through this journey really have no idea how hurtful their actions can be.
I hope you take care of yourself today, I find good food always helps. Lots of T&Ps for you
Married 7/13
TTC #1 since 10/13
BFP 2/4/15, MC twin boys at 18w3d 5/15
IUI #1 2/25/16
Married 10/12
DS 11/14
Ectopic 2/16
PCOS/Ovulation Dysfunction 11/16
IUI x 3- BFN
Laparoscopy 3/17 Endo and tubal damage
IVF- 4/17- 40 eggs retrieved, 10 blasts, 7 pgs tested embryos
FET- 6/17- BFP!
Due Feb 15, 2017
Im not sure if it's just numbness or I'm coming to terms with my lot in life-always the Aunt, never the Mom- but I'm actually doing ok with other people's pregnancies these days. My coworker who I couldn't even look at in December just left because his wife's in labor and I gave him a hug.
Im telling you all this just to say that it will get better. Even if it's not the way you want it to get better, you will come to terms with the way life is working out for you and your H and you will be ok. You will learn to be happy for others even in your extreme sadness and grief. I'm telling you this because when I was in the middle of the worst of my extreme bitterness towards every pregnant person I've ever met, I grieved my ability to be happy for others and to be the kind person who loved and celebrated new babies with gusto. I imagine you feel the same way. When all is said and done, there is a child being born who will be an important part of your family.
I still practice self-care. I'm bailing on a girlfriend weekend next month because my one gf is due the day before I was and my other will be giving birth a few weeks later and I can't handle a weekend of pregnancy and motherhood talk. I really hope by November I will be able to pull it together to make her baby shower. But if I can't, I can't. But on the day that her baby is born, I feel more comfortable that I will be able to at least be happy to hear that the baby has been born and that things are ok without breaking down crying because I should be having a baby too.
So as PP said, take your time, do what you need to do now to keep yourself from breaking down daily. But just know you will get through this and you will be ok.
I think at this point you are doing what you believe is best for you, I probably would have done the same thing and not speak to them but, I do have to be honest with you and tell you they probably didn't mean to hurt you. Most likely because they knew what was happening with you they decided not to tell you they were trying. It makes complete sense to me, I would withhold that information from my brother and his wife if they were going through a loss.
I belong to a catholic couples community, we meet every other week to discuss strategies, advice, issues, kinda like a workshop for a healthy marriage. We are all young couples and met at a church retreat before getting married, now we are a close group of friends. There are 10 couples in my community and I was the first to get pregnant. I loss that baby at almost 22 weeks, I was beyond devastated. Soon after my loss a couple announced their pregnancy, and after that baby was born it hit me so hard when someone said that we finally had a baby in the group, like my son never existed, it triggered so many things I was devastated but kept going to meetings. Fast forward 4 months and I was pregnant again. This time 5 others were pregnant at the same time as me, I was a little further along. Two months ago, I loss that baby boy at 17 weeks. One of my friends, who had the same amount of weeks at me went to see me at the hospital and I just kept thinking that her baby was fine, and mine was barely hanging on to life, how is that fair? I had already loss two before this one and her first pregnancy and she's all glowing and flawless. Right there I knew if I loss that baby I wouldn't be able to meet with the group. I extracted myself from meetings for about two months. Last week I went and I saw that a friend who I last saw with 14 weeks is now 24, her baby is viable, also her first pregnancy. Another one is now 18 weeks, a week more than what I was. I got through the meeting and the minute I got home I drowned myself in tears. I can't see them anymore right now, 2 months is not nearly enough time.
I realized I need more time before I can be a regular at meetings again, I just can't process the fact that I've lost all 3 of my pregnancies for no medical reason, just bad luck and that these 6 women have had great pregnancies.
I understand right now you need the time for yourself, for your mental and emotional stability, if you can't be around them for a while, don't, give yourself the space and the time to heal but family will always be family, and that baby is your niece or nephew and you're gonna wanna be around for them. It's hard, it's unfair, but sometimes we have to suck it up and put on a happy face for the people we love.
Together since 2006
Married 01.17.15
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
My second EDD is coming up in July and from now until the end of the summer, there is one baby shower after the next. I am going to the ones I can handle and skipping the ones I cannot. Do something nice for yourself. Hugs!
I went to a family gathering last weekend, where there was a cousin due in August. My original EDD is in 2 weeks, and it just felt too raw to bring up her very obvious pregnancy. So I didn't. This is all DH's family, so I'm not close to anyone except his sister and parents. Thus, while I felt awkward not addressing the pregnancy, I just knew I couldn't. There were plenty of other things to talk about anyway and plenty of other people addressing it. I'm hoping that I'm pregnant again by the time her baby is due, so I can feel strong enough to a) see the photos on FB and b) message her and congratulate her. There have been family friends of mine who have done birth announcements on FB, and I've only ever managed to "Like" the photo. Enough to acknowledge it without achingly gush over anything or have to discuss it. I feel cold (usually I'm the type to freak out and type in all caps about how excited I am about life, so to me, not doing that feels off and hostile) but I know it's just because I'm not there yet. I'm not going to act all excited about life when in reality, my heart is breaking. Like I said, we do what we need to do.
So sorry for your loss and for the drift that this has caused between you and a family member. I wish I knew how to solve it for you - I really do - but please just know you're not alone.
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
I personally have avoided a coworker that announced she was pregnant at 6 weeks, the day i came back from the time i took off for my first MC. I have actually changed when i get to work because i cant be around her. At first i felt like a raging bitch who was cold hearted, but i have come to terms with i have to protect my own emotions first. I actually now avoid like 3 because i cant stand being around pregnant women without getting angry or jealous or having a breakdown out of how unfair i find it still.
You have been through a hell that none of them can begin to understand, and anyone who really cares about you will support you in stepping back from in person visits or even phone calls. Protecting yourself if the most important thing right now. You are a normal, grieving woman and mental health is just as important as physical after a loss, and probably more important.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and we are here for you
ETA: I don't mean to suggest that you shouldn't unfriend people. That's totally legit. Just posting an alternative if unfriending is not an option.
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
/loss mentioned/
TTC#1 July 2014
dx: MFI (morphology)
IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w
d&c, followed by cytotec
TTCAL April 2016
IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
Me: 26 DH: 28
TTC #1 since 06/2014
BFP #1 09/23/15. MMC discovered 11/24/2015
BFP #2 08/24/16 EDD 05/08/17
I have a friend who constantly complains about her three year old. He's honestly so well-behaved for his age. She knows what we've been through but complains anyway. I constantly remind her how much I would kill to be in her shoes and she just doesn't get it. I would gladly take a messy, busy, inquisitive three year old right now times a million.
The complainy things really bother me too... all day at work it's breastfeeding this, and my kid is always doing x-y-z. I can't even eat with my co workers anymore, or at least a core group of them. I've almost gotten mostly desensitized to it... but this one just takes the cake.
I'm glad I expressed to my brother how it made me feel despite my moms requests not too. I didn't say anything bad about them... just how terrible it made me feel, because I want them to understand why I cannot see them or speak to them.
Hope you all had an ok day
ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
ttcal May 2016
I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and protecting your emotions. You have to make that a priority right now and eventually you'll get to a place where you can talk to your brother and SIL again.
Me (39) DH (40)
From my first marriage DD: 03/04 CP:01/06 DS:12/06
DH- no kids
******************
TTC: since 2/15, RE Consult 9/15
IUI #1 10/15: Letrozole = BFN
IUI #2 11/15: Letrozole + trigger = BFN
1/08/16: Surprise- BFP!! 2/16/16: MMC @10w 2days, D&C: 2/17/16
TTCAL: May 2016
IUI #3 5/27/16: Letrozole+trigger=BFN
IUI #4 06/24/16: 7.5mg Letrozole+trigger= BFN
IUI#5 08/24/16 Menopur+trigger = BFN
IUI #6 09/19/16 5 mg Letrozole +Menopur + Trigger= BFN
**10/2016: No more medicated cycles, TTCAL on our own**
12/03/16: BFP!! EDD: 08/12/17 It's a girl!!
Eleni was born on 8/14/17!!
Would an alcoholic go to a wine tasting ? NO.
Would someone grieving from miscarriage go to a baby shower? NO.
Would someone participating in weight watchers go to McDonald's? NO.
It's the same concept.
There is nothing wrong with doing whatever ya gotta do while your wounds are raw. That's not being a bitch or anything. That's just human.
DH's family has annual Father's day cookouts which, I always decline ever since I lost my dad. I also don't participate in my MIL'S bday because it is so close to my dad's birthday and it is a trigger for me. And that's not bitchy. That's grief.
Anyway, I'm hoping you're doing better and I hope you have a lovely weekend and can maybe do something nice for yourself ((hugs)).