Rough day ahead..

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

Hey everyone, It's 6:30 in the morning and I woke up to find a message from my mom sent at 1 am. It's the day I've been dreading so much: My brother and his wife will be announcing their pregnancy on fb. I am falling apart hysterically sobbing in the shower. It should have been me. I deleted them all, including her whole family from my fb when they decided to tell me at 5 weeks. Just a month after what we went through. I literally just stopped crying each and every day when they dropped this bomb on me. I had no idea they were even trying as they had just gotten married.

They conceived a week after our 17 week loss. Despite the fact that I WAS close with her and she actually works at my doctor's office and knew every detail of what was going on with our pregnancy- like everything- she hid the fact that they were trying from me. The feelings of deceit and backstabbing are so intense because of this. I just basically stopped talking to them after this happened. I have no idea where to move forward from here. I have posted about this issue onthe loss boards, but if anyone has advice please share. I just can't be around them or even think of them without crying. It just intensifies my grief to a point where I can't be around them and don't know if/ when I will be able to. I may even be switching doctors to avoid her.

allysondunn2 · June 2016

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I don't have any advice to offer, but just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you!

JDMRS · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I am so sorry. Take care of yourself today. Sending you good thoughts today!

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I am so sorry that you are feeling this way but don't feel like you are doing anything wrong- you are only human and things like this can be very triggering. I am going through something similar. A co-worker of mine- who I considered a good friend as well at one time, announced her pregnancy a month or so after I miscarried. She must of found out she was pregnant around the time that my MC happened. She didn't even tell me beforehand separately- she told me in front of everyone and put me on the spot and I of course was very upset. She is 5 weeks behind what I would of been and I can't help sometimes but think of myself when I'm around her.

Anyways we had a falling out because I didn't think she respected/supported my feelings in that moment and wasn't being a good friend and overall being around her just made me upset so I cut her out. We haven't talked in almost 2 months even though we see each other every day. I think as time goes on I feel better and maybe we will start talking again but I don't think I will ever consider her a real friend- its kind of hard to avoid a co-worker, the same as its hard to avoid a family member.

Now I don't think she did anything intentional to hurt me- I knew she was trying at the same time as me. It was just really bad timing and unfortunate circumstances. I just have to accept that everyone's path is different and not everyone understands what you are going through and how to deal.

I know its hard not to feel angry and betrayed but I hope in time you will feel better around your SIL but you take all the time you need.

BornReady · June 2016

I'm so sorry you are going through this. While I have not been in this exact situation, I do have a cousin who got pregnant soon after my loss. I was hysterical when my mom told me, sobbing and just heartbroken. How could other people's lives be moving forward when mine is on pause!?!? Ultimately, I've moved on and am feeling more at peace with the whole situation now, I actually hung out with her last weekend and it was fine.

This is all so hard and brings up so many different emotions. And is just compounded when life moves on for everyone else while we are still in the depths of our grief. Sending you lots of love today.

PS....I'm all about deactivating Facebook. The amount of sadness that gives me is just not worth it.

mylittleversailles · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I'm sorry. Take it easy and do something nice for yourself. I don't personally have the time or energy for anyone in my life who doesn't support me 100% because I give everyone I know everything I have, so I definitely understand your reaction. My DH and I do not have relationship with his sister - she's an inconsiderate little brat. Time will tell how you're going to want to proceed, but for now just cry and heal, friend.

iceandsnowflakes29 · June 2016

Okay. I read this but, had to get some coffee before I could form a reply.

Here's my thoughts:

I know they say a loss is a loss no matter what gestation but, I've had 4 early losses and lost 2 parents. I truly think a 2nd tri or later loss would be harder than any of that. Just seriously, I cannot even fathom it so, I'm very sorry for your loss.

With that said, I think you're (or at least I would be) in survival mode here. Honestly, I would do whatever it is that makes you feel better at this point.

If you need to avoid her to protect your heart, then do it.

If you need to switch doctors, do it.

I would do whatever it is you need to do to survive and be functional -ywim?

And unfortunately, I would assume that anyone married is TTC. Start expecting the announcements. They usually happen around holidays. ANY HOLIDAY. I don't know what it is that makes women compelled to announce with a holiday but, yeah.

For example, if it's Halloween then their expecting "a little pumpkin", 4th of July ? They might welcome their "little fire cracker" on such and such day. Thanksgiving then they're "eating for 2". And on and on. I also look for signs others around me might be pregnant that way if they do announce, I'm less surprised. For example, if my SIL isn't drinking and is complaining that she's wore out, I automatically thinks she's pregnant.

Anyway, take care of yourself. Huge ((hugs)).

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

@iceandsnowflakes29 I knew my co-worker was pregnant for weeks! She stopped eating fish for lunch (she used to eat salmon at least once a week) and started eating pb&j instead with oranges every day. I'm a dietitian so we pay attention to what each other eats pretty much. Cherry on the top is she goes to the same OB/GYN practice that I do and she announced she was going to a gyno appointment that day (same day I was going to my post D&C follow up) and I saw her in the waiting room- with her husband. I'm sorry you aren't fooling anyone- your DH isn't accompanying you to your pap smear. With that said, I wish she would of given me more notice because it was obvious to her that I knew.

When I was KU at least 3 co-workers knew (1 straight out asked me one day) because I didn't eat lunch meat on a sandwich one day. One slip and you are done....I need to step up my A game for next time lol.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I am so sorry. I think this kind of thing is a very common trigger, I know it is for me. I also struggle with having that imbalance of info--the feeling that so much of my life and struggles are now public, and my friends and family can still choose what to tell me, it makes me want to not tell anyone about anything ever again. I also find it exhausting to feel like I have to manage other people's reactions to me. For example, a good friend emailed me to tell me she is pregnant with #2 and she feels guilty that she's had it so relatively easy compared to us, and while I understand why she said that, it wasn't that helpful to hear. I ended up just writing back congrats b/c I didn't feel responsible for addressing her feelings about MY loss and fertility struggles.

I think changing docs is a great idea, totally reasonable and smart thing to do to protect yourself. I guess the only issue is if you really love your current practice aside from the fact that she's there, but it still might make sense.

SoonToBeMommaHowe · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I attended my cousins 2nd wedding last July and while there my grandmother informed me that her and the new DH would be trying right away and "joked" that she'd probably get pregnant before me. Not surprising I got a phone call in September from my sister, the only one who dared to call me, to say that my cousin was 10 weeks along. Meaning she conceived less than a month after her wedding. I couldn't avoid my voice cracking on the phone and as soon as I hung up I curled up in bed and bawled my eyes out. She actually had the baby last month and I'm still not pregnant...

I will say that it took me a while to reach out and congratulate her but the rationale that helped me (and I don't want to sound insensitive at all) is that I'm not the only one in this world that really wants a baby so should I really be angry that she was blessed with a baby that she really wanted? And also that if/when I do conceive again I know I'm going to need a ton of support and I really want ppl to be happy for me so is it worth it to be push away everyone that gets pregnant btwn my MC and next BFP? I've had four family or friends announce since my MC and it took me nearly over six months to be able to see these people in person, I only gave my well wishes via text and social media prior to that.

I think you need to listen to your heart and take whatever time and space is best for you. And maybe when you feel ready have a conversation with her about how you're feeling, ppl that haven't gone through this journey really have no idea how hurtful their actions can be.

I hope you take care of yourself today, I find good food always helps. Lots of T&Ps for you

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't really have any words of wisdom but I think you should allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel and just be kind to yourself.

chloe97 · June 2016

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My first EDD is in 2 weeks and I have 7 friends and family members having babies this month. You can't make this shit up. For a long time I felt like someone was torturing me. I got pregnant again in March and things were better for awhile, then I lost that pregnancy at 13 weeks, and cue the November/December announcements and the June births.

Im not sure if it's just numbness or I'm coming to terms with my lot in life-always the Aunt, never the Mom- but I'm actually doing ok with other people's pregnancies these days. My coworker who I couldn't even look at in December just left because his wife's in labor and I gave him a hug.

Im telling you all this just to say that it will get better. Even if it's not the way you want it to get better, you will come to terms with the way life is working out for you and your H and you will be ok. You will learn to be happy for others even in your extreme sadness and grief. I'm telling you this because when I was in the middle of the worst of my extreme bitterness towards every pregnant person I've ever met, I grieved my ability to be happy for others and to be the kind person who loved and celebrated new babies with gusto. I imagine you feel the same way. When all is said and done, there is a child being born who will be an important part of your family.

I still practice self-care. I'm bailing on a girlfriend weekend next month because my one gf is due the day before I was and my other will be giving birth a few weeks later and I can't handle a weekend of pregnancy and motherhood talk. I really hope by November I will be able to pull it together to make her baby shower. But if I can't, I can't. But on the day that her baby is born, I feel more comfortable that I will be able to at least be happy to hear that the baby has been born and that things are ok without breaking down crying because I should be having a baby too.

So as PP said, take your time, do what you need to do now to keep yourself from breaking down daily. But just know you will get through this and you will be ok.

fiorip · June 2016

First of all I wanna say how sorry I am for your loss. I loss my latest pregnancy at exactly 17 weeks, my water broke at 16.4 and three days later I delivered my baby boy. I KNOW how devastating this is, and how much stuff like having someone close to you pregnant trigger your emotions.

I think at this point you are doing what you believe is best for you, I probably would have done the same thing and not speak to them but, I do have to be honest with you and tell you they probably didn't mean to hurt you. Most likely because they knew what was happening with you they decided not to tell you they were trying. It makes complete sense to me, I would withhold that information from my brother and his wife if they were going through a loss.

I belong to a catholic couples community, we meet every other week to discuss strategies, advice, issues, kinda like a workshop for a healthy marriage. We are all young couples and met at a church retreat before getting married, now we are a close group of friends. There are 10 couples in my community and I was the first to get pregnant. I loss that baby at almost 22 weeks, I was beyond devastated. Soon after my loss a couple announced their pregnancy, and after that baby was born it hit me so hard when someone said that we finally had a baby in the group, like my son never existed, it triggered so many things I was devastated but kept going to meetings. Fast forward 4 months and I was pregnant again. This time 5 others were pregnant at the same time as me, I was a little further along. Two months ago, I loss that baby boy at 17 weeks. One of my friends, who had the same amount of weeks at me went to see me at the hospital and I just kept thinking that her baby was fine, and mine was barely hanging on to life, how is that fair? I had already loss two before this one and her first pregnancy and she's all glowing and flawless. Right there I knew if I loss that baby I wouldn't be able to meet with the group. I extracted myself from meetings for about two months. Last week I went and I saw that a friend who I last saw with 14 weeks is now 24, her baby is viable, also her first pregnancy. Another one is now 18 weeks, a week more than what I was. I got through the meeting and the minute I got home I drowned myself in tears. I can't see them anymore right now, 2 months is not nearly enough time.

I realized I need more time before I can be a regular at meetings again, I just can't process the fact that I've lost all 3 of my pregnancies for no medical reason, just bad luck and that these 6 women have had great pregnancies.

I understand right now you need the time for yourself, for your mental and emotional stability, if you can't be around them for a while, don't, give yourself the space and the time to heal but family will always be family, and that baby is your niece or nephew and you're gonna wanna be around for them. It's hard, it's unfair, but sometimes we have to suck it up and put on a happy face for the people we love.

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

Thank you so much everyone. Just knowing that others understand is incredibly helpful. The amount of pain I'm feeling right now is just beyond compare. It feels like our loss was just yesterday. I'm' trying to suck it up but I just keep wondering if they understand at all what great pain this has brought me. Now I have to see my whole family congratulating them on fb. I'm a mess right now. I just want to crawl into a hole for a year. I hate that I can't be happy for them, and I fear I won't be able to be a part of their lives from now on. It would be terrible.. but how can I be around them if it causes me so much pain? I can't put a time frame on it. I know they are having a bbq on July 4th weekend and since we aren't talking - we aren't invited and if we were, we wouldnt be able to go. We were getting so close ( me and sil) and now it's just all gone. It's so cruel and so unfair.

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

and also so sorry for all of your pain as well... I'm glad we have this place to share and affirm that time will heal... hopefully. I pray that it will.

Aera11 · June 2016

I am so sorry you are going through this @KarenBeth714. I have been in your shoes and you have to do whatever is right for you. It will get easier as time goes by, it's just still very new and fresh. Hopefully you will be able to heal enough to have a relationship with your new nephew/niece, and if not, that is totally okay. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and care about you. Take care of and be kind to yourself. This road we're all on can seem so lonely at times, so talk to any of us whenever you need to.

My second EDD is coming up in July and from now until the end of the summer, there is one baby shower after the next. I am going to the ones I can handle and skipping the ones I cannot. Do something nice for yourself. Hugs!

iceandsnowflakes29 · June 2016

Slowly back away from Facebook! Or deactivate!

dubcompanion · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 Sorry to join in late... Big hugs to you, and as PP have said, you have every right to feel what you feel and do what you need to do to get by. It sounds like deactivating FB for now might be a good idea. I took a hiatus from it for the first month or so before I felt strong enough to potentially see announcements and photos of babies.

I went to a family gathering last weekend, where there was a cousin due in August. My original EDD is in 2 weeks, and it just felt too raw to bring up her very obvious pregnancy. So I didn't. This is all DH's family, so I'm not close to anyone except his sister and parents. Thus, while I felt awkward not addressing the pregnancy, I just knew I couldn't. There were plenty of other things to talk about anyway and plenty of other people addressing it. I'm hoping that I'm pregnant again by the time her baby is due, so I can feel strong enough to a) see the photos on FB and b) message her and congratulate her. There have been family friends of mine who have done birth announcements on FB, and I've only ever managed to "Like" the photo. Enough to acknowledge it without achingly gush over anything or have to discuss it. I feel cold (usually I'm the type to freak out and type in all caps about how excited I am about life, so to me, not doing that feels off and hostile) but I know it's just because I'm not there yet. I'm not going to act all excited about life when in reality, my heart is breaking. Like I said, we do what we need to do.

So sorry for your loss and for the drift that this has caused between you and a family member. I wish I knew how to solve it for you - I really do - but please just know you're not alone.

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

Now my mom chose to share the announcement on her page, and so now I get to see all her friends and our family congratulating them. awesome. I can't look away. I'm gonna wind up seeing this anyway. Just wish I knew the reason why this all had to happen this way.

SnobunnieMel · June 2016

@KarenBeth714i probably come from a place of fresher pain than some others here, you guys all seem much more grounded than i think i ever will, but you should never feel bad about doing what you have to do to keep yourself together. And you should never have to apologize for those actions. If it means not seeing her in person for months, than so be it.

I personally have avoided a coworker that announced she was pregnant at 6 weeks, the day i came back from the time i took off for my first MC. I have actually changed when i get to work because i cant be around her. At first i felt like a raging bitch who was cold hearted, but i have come to terms with i have to protect my own emotions first. I actually now avoid like 3 because i cant stand being around pregnant women without getting angry or jealous or having a breakdown out of how unfair i find it still.

You have been through a hell that none of them can begin to understand, and anyone who really cares about you will support you in stepping back from in person visits or even phone calls. Protecting yourself if the most important thing right now. You are a normal, grieving woman and mental health is just as important as physical after a loss, and probably more important.

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and we are here for you

BrightenMySky · June 2016

Can you "unfollow" anyone who is posting about it so that you stay friends w/them but don't see the posts in your news feed? That's my standard operating procedure for pregnancy announcements these days, and I would unfollow not only the person who is preg but the SO, family, etc., if they are potentially going to post about it. Hugs.

ETA: I don't mean to suggest that you shouldn't unfriend people. That's totally legit. Just posting an alternative if unfriending is not an option.

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

I agree @BrightenMySky I did that with the co-worker I just mentioned. Has really helped my peace of mind knowing I won't see anything that I don't want to.

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

I did unfriend both of them and her entire family for this reason, but she tagged my own parents in her announcement. I feel that was just uncalled for. Even two friends to call me to see if I was ok and they both said they thought it was odd that she tagged my parents in it. I decided that I'm not getting off social media for now, because I rely on it for many other social supports and friends.. plus I know eventually I would see it on DH's fb and I know I would look. It's just sucky all around. I just actually texted my brother to say how painful the day was for me, especially with tagging my parents so I would be seeing it. I just explained that I don't see myself being able to see them for some time because of the intense amount of pain this has all caused me and I hope one day in the future we will all be able to move forward with love.. but just don't see it happening for some time.

dubcompanion · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 That was really shitty and attention-seeking of her to tag your parents in the post. I'm so sorry.

TScalei · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 - Im so sorry you are going through this but I know exactly how you feel. Every pregnancy announcement since my loss in March has been so difficult. A co worker of mine had an unplanned pregnancy with her ex boyfriend and is due 2 weeks before my EDD ( so I get the co worker thing too @Spartanrd4). Seeing her pregnant and knowing thats how far along I would have been is just overwhelming - I feel a combination of rage and sadness most of the time when I see her. We were all having lunch together and she was sitting next to me drinking coffee and pepsi and eating a sub with lunch meat complaining about being pregnant - It feels like a knife is being twisted in an open wound. Reading this post has made me feel better - its reminded me I not the only one going through this and I hope it has done the same for you.

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

And that co-worker was just complaining in the office about how she can't find any maternity clothes that fit her and she absolutely has no clothes to wear because she's so petite (shes almost 20 weeks and barely showing so STFU)....oh boo hoo I wish I had no clothes to wear if it meant I was KU! UGH even when I have a twinge of thinking I'm over it with her...she says dumb things like that. Sorry had to rant!

BrightenMySky · June 2016

The complaints about being pregnant are the worst @TScalei and @Spartanrd4. And then after the baby is born, bring on the complaints about tummy pouches, etc. It really hurts to hear.

roper2617 · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I am so sorry to hear about the hard time you're experiencing. I have no words of wisdom that are different that PPs. Do whatever it is that you need to do to take care of yourself.

Wishilivedinflorida · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I'm sorry you are experiencing this. You have every right to feel the way you do. Take care of yourself and protect your heart in whatever way you need to now. Hopefully your brother understands.

I have a friend who constantly complains about her three year old. He's honestly so well-behaved for his age. She knows what we've been through but complains anyway. I constantly remind her how much I would kill to be in her shoes and she just doesn't get it. I would gladly take a messy, busy, inquisitive three year old right now times a million.

TScalei · June 2016

@brightenmysky - that's hard too! I have a friend who just had a baby and is always complaining about her stretchmarks. Im just sitting there thinking I would withstand any horror of pregnancy/ post pregnancy just to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Its so hard being surrounded by pregnant people and people with babies.

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

Thanks all.. I spent all night sulking and crying and two friends called to tell me that they thought it was so odd that she tagged my parents ( like, does anyone do that? ) And I just keep thinking about it.. over and over about how if it were one of her two sisters that lost a baby instead of me, how would things have been different? I bet you they would have been. I just feel as though our whole future relationship is ruined bc I will never trust her. The anger and rage is crazy at this point- but again... I'm so thankful that I know that others have felt that intense rage and that I'm not alone.

The complainy things really bother me too... all day at work it's breastfeeding this, and my kid is always doing x-y-z. I can't even eat with my co workers anymore, or at least a core group of them. I've almost gotten mostly desensitized to it... but this one just takes the cake.

I'm glad I expressed to my brother how it made me feel despite my moms requests not too. I didn't say anything bad about them... just how terrible it made me feel, because I want them to understand why I cannot see them or speak to them.

Hope you all had an ok day

TScalei · June 2016

@karenbeth714 - i think the tagging the parents is weird and very insensitive especially in light of what you had just gone through. I think some people just don't realize what you're going through and are just thoughtless and insensitive. Oh the rage is real..lol. I've always been a positive, upbeat person so its weird for me to be this angry/ bitter person a lot of the time. I hope its not permanent.

roxgibbons · June 2016

@KarenBeth714 I'm sorry this has been so hard for you and I'm sorry for the pain your are experiencing. The majority of people I've encountered are insensitive and clueless when it comes to pregnancy loss. I deal with it all the time and lately at work it;s gotten bad because we have a lot of preggos everywhere. I have a few co-workers who know what I went through and know I'm TTCAL they are constantly saying things around me like "OMG, did you see so and so shes's huge! and stuff like "Everyone is pregnant here! What's in the water??" I feel like snapping and saying, "no you stupid bitches, everyone is NOT pregnant." It just hurts because they know my struggle and even though I'm ok with the preggos, it still stings seeing them and hearing my co-workers talk about it constantly in front of me. Like I said there is a lack of sensitivity.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and protecting your emotions. You have to make that a priority right now and eventually you'll get to a place where you can talk to your brother and SIL again.

iceandsnowflakes29 · June 2016

I just wanted to add, do not feel guilty for avoiding pregnant women or any other triggers. That is self-preservation, protecting your heart, and important for you mental health.

Would an alcoholic go to a wine tasting ? NO.

Would someone grieving from miscarriage go to a baby shower? NO.

Would someone participating in weight watchers go to McDonald's? NO.

It's the same concept.

There is nothing wrong with doing whatever ya gotta do while your wounds are raw. That's not being a bitch or anything. That's just human.

DH's family has annual Father's day cookouts which, I always decline ever since I lost my dad. I also don't participate in my MIL'S bday because it is so close to my dad's birthday and it is a trigger for me. And that's not bitchy. That's grief.

Anyway, I'm hoping you're doing better and I hope you have a lovely weekend and can maybe do something nice for yourself

((hugs)).

Rough day ahead..

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