How is everyone doing? Check-in June 14

rainbowturtles · June 2016

Hi there! Just a reminder that anyone can start the weekly check-in thread; sorry I didn't get to it yesterday

I know we have several new people; we are all so sorry for your losses. I wish none of us had to go through this but I'm glad we have all found each other and can offer support and compassion. This board is proof that you don't have to go through this alone.

How are you doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with? Feel free to rant and vent, this is a safe space. Hugs to all who need them.

GTKY: (I know I've had a previous GTKY about self-care, but I just think it's SO important for us) What is at least one nice thing you are going to do for just yourself this week?

BrightenMySky · June 2016

Thanks for getting this started @rainbowturtles, I was not up for it this week.

I am honestly not great. Found out Friday & over the weekend that my last cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy, so that's loss #2. I am not feeling the same way I felt about my first loss, probably in part because I am so relieved that the physical part is over so much more quickly this time, but the idea that we have had 2 losses that were likely chromosomal (1 confirmed chromosomal) has been weighing on me. It all feels really raw and I'm trying to figure out if I want to tell people about the CP or not.

GTKY: I am hoping to get home from work at a decent time tonight. Also going to try to start reading for fun again.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

I'm so so sorry you're going through this @BrightenMySky

chloe97 · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I'm so sorry for your loss. A chemical pregnancy is a loss so you need to let yourself grieve.

Ths last few weeks I've been comparing and contrasting my 2 MCs. My 2nd MC has felt way different than my 1st. With my 1st, I was so anxious to be pregnant again. I thought that it would solve everything. I was super anxious, hated being around pregnant people, hearing about new babies etc. With my 2nd, I'm much more calm and much more resigned to the fact that other people are having babies and I may not be able to. It's kind of like settling into to a deep and profound sadness.

I haven't had my CD 3 tests done yet, but after 2 late- term chromosomal losses at 37, I'm starting to realize that we may need to use an egg donor to complete our family. The thought of having babies that look like DH and don't look like me is hard to swallow right now. I feel intense guilt that I've partied so much over the years and destroyed my ovaries and shame that I'm trying to have my 1st baby at such a late age because I stayed in bad relationships too long. DH doesn't understand how those 2 years we waited to start trying because he needed to "live his life" could have cost us a child who is biologically mine. I have intense bitterness towards him for dragging his feet and waiting well past my 35th birthday to propose. I'm not sure how I can get over it.

I'm still waiting for my first post-D&C AF. I'm thinking it should be here by early next week. I'm getting by. Having a new puppy to distract me does help, but it is further isolating us because we have to spend more time at home with him.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

Thanks @rainbowturtles and @chloe97. I feel like my anxiety is just on overdrive. Thursday night, when I was pretty late but had not yet tested, I was freaking out because DH was scheduled to go no a trip over the weekend and I was so worried that I would be pregnant but he would get in a plane crash or something like that, and then I would have a baby but not have him.

Hugs @chloe97.

mjolk · June 2016

@BrightenMySky
I am so sorry.

Today has been ruined for me. Waiting around for blood test results and haven't gotten a call yet and my day has been put on hold so to speak. I never thought this process could take so long. It baffles me.

SO revealed he would rather me wait around and do a zillion blood tests too. I am glad he has suppported me even if our opinions differ.

I also just feel more pregnant than ever -- my breasts are so sore and last night I was gagging and coughing. This switches from me feeling things are so cruel to me wondering if maybe the doctors will find some miracle baby that was just hiding.

GTKY: I bought a cute video game. It wasn't even a game I super wanted but opening it and playing it has proven a good distraction.

chloe97 · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I totally understand the fear of losing DH. After the Orlando massacre my DH went to a festival without me and I spent the night worrying that he could be the target of some lunatic and die before I could get pregnant again. It's not rational, but once you go through worst case scene ups, it's hard not to imagine thr
happening every time.

In better news, my hypochondria is getting better.

Amdogger82 · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I am so so sorry.

@chloe97 It's so easy to be hard on ourselves for decisions in the past, but I hope you can find peace and be kind to yourself.

@mjolk thinking of you.

I am doing ok. I feel like I am having more good days than bad days lately, which makes the bad days extra confusing for DH, even though he's been nothing but supportive.

GTKY: I am getting my hair cut tonight. I have a pixie, and am still trying to find someone good at short hair in our new town. It's not really time for a cut, but instead of putting up with a mediocre cut for a few more weeks, I'm trying someone new.

roxgibbons · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I've been thinking about you and I am so sorry you are going through this again and dealing with the aftermath of emotions and doubt. There is so much hope and anticipation that goes into this process, it's very tough when the outcome is not what we want it to be. I would encourage you to talk to those who you feel will give you the most support and be understanding of the situation. Some people don't understand that a CP is a loss. I had one 10 years ago between my kids and I was shocked that some friends that I told acted like I just had a heavy period and didn't understand that it was in fact a loss and that I was grieving it (My ex-husband included, .Thank god for the supportive DHs!!)

I am glad the physical part is over and you are able to heal. Many hugs to you

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@Amdogger82 I got my hair cut a few weeks after my first loss and it was great self-care, great idea. Hope you find someone good in your new town!

roxgibbons · June 2016

@chloe97 I sometimes wish DH and I started when we first got married in 2013. He was dragging his feet as well and wasn't totally sure he wanted his own children at the time he was fine with being a step-father. I kept asking him since I had just turned 35. I get upset about it at times but there is nothing I can do about it now. There are so many do-overs I wish I could have but we do the best we can at the time with the facts/situation we have at hand. You have been through a lot, it's understandable to question and rethink decisions and actions and being AMA does not help. Take care of yourself and know you are doing the best you can right now.

chloe97 · June 2016

Thanks @roxgibbons. It's helpful to get perspective from someone in a similar situation. Sometimes I'm just amazed at how quickly the time has gone. I was barely 33 when I met DH, still had a ton of fertile years left. I blinked and I was 37 and recovering from my 2nd MC in 6 months.

I'm not sure how not beat myself up over this stuff. With other things I've regretted in life -particularly failed relationships or bad career choices, I could always say it led me to where I am now and that is truly happy! But there is no silver lining on this. I'm sure I would LOVE my babies from donor eggs more than I could ever know, but I'm not never going to be ok with the fact that they aren't genetically mine. I asked DH if he would be ok if I was carrying someone else child that he would raise-how it would make him feel. He couldn't really understand why the idea was so upsetting to me until I put it to him that way.

rainbowturtles · June 2016

THIS. This is what I'm worried about if DH makes me wait past September...bitterness, resentment, regret, etc. I know neither of us would ever regret having a beautiful, healthy baby, but I do know...and especially hearing these things from both of you...that we could most certainly regret waiting

RiverSong15 · June 2016

@BrightenMySky, I'm so sorry for your loss. Chemicals are losses too, so grieve however feels right to you.

@chloe97 Although H and I met young, we both spent a lot of time in grad school, which significantly delayed us financially. I really regret the last two years I spent in school that I feel were for naught. As far as my H goes, I sometimes wish he chose a field that didn't take 7 years for a PhD plus 5 years in a post doc to then tackle a tough job market. I feel a lot of pressure at times being the primary breadwinner. What has helped me to be less regretful and resentful to my H is that I know he's happy in is work and he's now just as excited and ready for a baby as I am. If we had gotten pregnant (and stayed pregnant) 5 years ago, we'd be absolutely miserable financially, and H may have ended up resenting me for pushing him into having a kid before he was ready. We may have had a kid, but ended up with a bad marriage. Solving one problem may have just caused others, so I try to focus as much as possible on what we can solve together now. It's not easy, but this is what has helped me accept my/our life choices a bit. There's so many if/then combinations, that I could drive myself crazy with alternative timelines.

I totally get get it about the genetic component though. H and I have had that conversation, and I've told him that I'm just not OK with donor eggs. I don't want to raise a child that is half H's and not mine - I would feel like I was just carrying another woman's child and that the baby was more his than mine, and I want to feel like equal parents. I wish I could shake that feeling, but I think that DEs just aren't the right choice for me. All this to just say that I understand the heartbreak around considering a child that's not genetically yours, and it's totally normal feeling.

Big big hugs lady. Hopefully you find a way to work through things. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that once you get your CD3 bloodwork done, that you aren't dealing with DOR.

HGRich · June 2016

@chloe97I'm so sorry. I understand about questioning timing. I'm question whether I was selfish to want a master's degree first, etc. But putting marriage and one's dreams first isn't bad either.

I'm still crying all the time. I was supposed to have an ultrasound today. I don't know how to get back to normal life yet but I'm out of bereavement leave and I can't use all my vacation days. I tried to go to work Monday and had to be taken home because I just sat there and cried.

GTKY--I cleaned my house which made me feel better. I still hate doing everything else, from reading to blogging to movies. But it's a start.

Hopefulmommy1980 · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I am so sorry you are going through that it sucks.

@chloe97 I hear you. I met my husband when I was 30. We got married when I was 33 and it took a couple of years for him to be ready to have kids again. He has two children from a previous marriage. I wonder if me being over 35 has made so I won't have a baby.

Gtky - I am going to get a mini cheese cake from the cupcake store in town. They are amazing.

lyndam1 · June 2016

To everyone, you're all in my thoughts and hugs to you all!

I'm doing better today than I was yesterday - yesterday marked a month since we had to end the pregnancy. I'm looking forward to our appointment with the MFM, and I'm a little nervous too. I hope he'll say, you're ok to start ttc! But I know that is highly improbable. Any advice on what to expect/what questions to ask in a MFM appointment is greatly appreciated!

GTKY: Actually, I too just got a haircut today! I love the way it feels when my hairdresser shampoos and blow dries my hair!! So relaxing! I might get a pedicure too...

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I am so sorry for your loss!

@chloe97 I am sorry you're struggling so much with self doubt and blame. I don't have any advice to offer that others haven't already, but I am glad that you are able to at least vocalize everything you are feeling and not internalize it all.

@lyndam1 Good luck at your appointment! I haven't had one so I can't give you any insight on what to expect.

@HGRich I'm feeling similar to you in just not being able to go back to normal life. I find myself crying at the most inopportune times (like all the way to work on Monday and then for 20 minutes after I got there until I had to pull myself together and teach a class). It sucks. There's no other way to put it. And the worst part is it feels like those around me have already forgotten, though I know the reality is they probably just don't want to constantly remind me.

@Amdogger82 I'm glad to hear your good days are outnumbering your bad ones!

I feel ok this week. My DH went through a more intense immediate depression following the loss, and is now in a mostly good place each day. I've been going through a much slower but also less intense process where I feel ok 90% of each day, but the other 10% sucks. I tend to get most upset in the morning on my way to work. It's the end of the school year and I'm stressed so I think it's just a trigger for me. I'm tired of crying at work and having to pull myself together quick enough to teach a class and pretend everything is ok. I'm better on the weekends so I'm hoping the summer will allow me some time to heal.

I'm also in a place where I feel like I want to move on and try again (I'm excited for it) but I have to wait. Im waiting for my first AF post m/c and so far have had 0 ovulation signs. My doctor wants us to wait two cycles and I'm not thrilled about it. DH has been testing the boundaries of making good choices in terms of avoiding and I know it's because he doesn't want to wait either. And it makes me feel like we're being irresponsible. I couldn't handle if something happened again and it was our fault.

GTKY: I honestly dont know. I'm so focused on everything I need to finish up for school I'm not even sure I have time for me. Except I do think I'm going to see finding dory this weekend so that could be fun!

chloe97 · June 2016

Thanks guys! It's helpful to just be able to vent and tell other people how I'm feeling. This came up in couples counseling and DH brought up the reasons he dragged his feet- he was engaged before and it was a nightmare. His ex was horribly abusive to him and he still wasn't over it all 4 years after they broke up when I was anxious to get a moveon.

@lyndam1 How far along were you? We terminated our Triploidy pregnancy at 13 weeks and my MFM follow-up was just a normal post-D&C visit. They asked when the bleeding stopped and do a normal pelvic exam. My Dr and I had the conversation about trying again and what RPL tests I should get. Dr's tend to be all over the board about when you can try again. I've heard 1 cycle and I've heard 6 cycles. If you were a later pregnancy loss, it will probably be around 3. I'm waiting 3 because I rushed into trying again after my last D&C and my body was doing weird things and I ovulated my bad egg.

@SoonToBeMommaHowe Have you had your FSH or AMH levels tested yet? That would tell you about your egg reserve.

@HGRich I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand that feeling of just needing to cry all the time. I cried my first day back and work and freaked my boss out. I try to not talk about it at work or I could lose it at any given time.

@rainbowturtles Have you guys considered couples counseling? DH and I are doing fine right now, but we start counseling because of all the bitterness I have about feeling like I was set up to fail by him. I'm not always angry/bitter about it, but I see it becoming worse and worse as we actually start to TTC again. Right now we are still grieving and dealing with the new puppy.

I always forget the GTKY on this check in. I hate to say it, but chocolate has been my downfall since my pregnancy. Also I'm getting a lot of massages. The puppy is also really good for anxiety levels. He gets really anxious too, but when we both snuggle on the couch we both get much calmer. I never realized how fast I would love that little guy.

dubcompanion · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I am so sorry for your loss. A CP is heartbreaking; you have every right to mourn. I hope you find the support you need IRL as you do on the boards. We're here for you if you need anything.

@RiverSong15 Thank you for sharing your story. I realize my H and I are a bit younger than several of you, so I hope I'm not stepping over the line by saying that I wished we'd started a little sooner too... We actually were not going to start until Spring '17 when he graduates with his 2-year degree (he's spent forever in college(s), trying to figure out what he wants to do). We did start trying 2 years sooner, of which I'm glad for now - since I can't get pregnant at the snap of the fingers. However, we weren't ready until we were, and it's good to remember that we can't push something major like having a baby. Even if we'd been successful with an egg + sperm earlier in life, we very likely would have ended up with other issues.

@chloe97 I'm adopted, and I'm thankful every day that my parents chose that path. That being said, I struggle with the decision to have to adopt one day if that's what it all comes to. It means almost everything to me to be able to have my own children and to share a genetic link with them, because I haven't had that with my loved ones thus far in life.

All that said, I'd consider adoption before considering a donor egg, for the reasons you and @RiverSong15 brought up. The fact I'd be carrying a child for 9 months that had no genetic link for me yet was linked to my H would be too much for me. (The reversal would also be true; my egg with another man's sperm.) I think it's all or nothing for me. My H and I either create our own baby, or we adopt. But we'll do all we can in the mean time to make the former possible.

Anyway, this was my roundabout way in saying that I agree with you ladies concerning donor eggs. I'd never really thought about that option until it was brought up. It made me reflect on how I feel about other alternate means to have a baby.

@mjolk I hope you get your tests results soon so you have a better day tomorrow.

@Amdogger82 Pixie cuts are adorable! I hope you find a great new stylist.

@AliciaGoose It's so hard to be benched, and we weren't exactly careful either right out of the gate. We didn't end up getting pregnant soon after our loss (6 months out now). It would have been nice to conceive so quickly, although it would have felt awkward going in and announcing it to the OB's who'd been so caring and good to us. I'm a teacher as well, and my job helped distract me from the loss. At the same time, the loss could distract me too, and I had to work doubly hard to focus on what I was teaching. With the summer coming up, you'll be able to have extra breathing time to regroup and look inward. Hugs to you and hopefully the stress eases off you soon.

@lyndam1 Good luck at your appt. I guess a question could be - if he says it's not okay to TTC again right away - why he feels this way. For instance, the OB that did my D&C said we only needed to wait 1 month. Our original OB said to wait 2 months. When I asked the latter why we needed to wait that long, he just said it gave the body extra time to recover. The first OB said that there were no studies that showed waiting 1 month longer was pertinent. Therefore, since everything looked healthy, there was no reason to start TTC again after the first AF following the procedure.

chloe97 · June 2016

@dubcompanion Its interesting what you and @RiverSong15 say about DE vs adoption. I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely biased against adoption because of experiences my family members have had. Not with the process, but all 4 of my adopted cousins (from 2 different families) suffer from pretty disabling mental health issues. Of course, I know that my family's issues could happen with adopted children or with non-adopted kids, but because you pay for DE, you can screen for a history of mental illness and other genetic health conditions. And also then it's only 1 set of genetic unknowns instead of 2. Does that make sense? More importantly, DH is Jewish and his entire family line before his grandpa died in the holocaust, he is the last male of his line and so I know having a biological connection is so important to him. I also really want to go through the whole pregnancy and breastfeeding process.

Anyway, I really hope that this entire conversation is hypothetical and that NONE of us are faced with having to make the choice, but I feel like I need to think about it now so I'm not blindsided if it comes up in a few months with the RE.

dubcompanion · June 2016

@chloe97 Hmm, that is a really good point about at least being able to share 1 set of known genetics in the case of DE. It does seem odd that I'd be okay with 2 genetic unknowns in the case of adoption but not just 1. Having been adopted myself and being a special education teacher, I might see myself being up to that challenge, so to speak?

Okay - all cards on the table - if I have to think through the thought of adoption more emotionally and less logically (i.e. I'm a SPED teacher and am therefore experienced working with kids with disabilities) - I get to a point where I'm almost like, "F%(%*@ it." Which tells me it's scary to me still and not something I want to seriously think about unless I absolutely have to. I can definitely see in the favor of DE that you know you're getting a healthy egg, and your H is able to still continue his line.

Ugh, wow. After deleting about 5 different paragraphs, I might have come across my own need to reflect on things throughout this TTC journey.

I commend you for reflecting on all this ahead of time. Indeed, none of us want to have to consider anything but giving birth to just ours and our partners' children. I'm so sorry that ANY of this has to be considered. FWIW, @chloe97 with your most recent post you brought up a lot of great points about DE that I hadn't thought about.

RiverSong15 · June 2016

@chloe97 You bring up some interesting points. It's such an incredibly personal decision, and I can see where you're coming from. On my end, neither my H or myself care as much about being the last genetic part of the family line. Also, I've mostly seen people who have had good adoption experiences. Someone I know struggled with IF, adopted, and then got pregnant (I know, I know, such a cliche!). Their adopted child is normal and healthy, while their biological child the same age has developmental and emotional issues. And as much as I'd love to experience pregnancy, when I sit down and really think about it, I can't get past my issues about "all or nothing" genetically as @dubcompanion said. I just hate that we're all here even having to think about these things!! I'm glad we can all discuss this without judgment- I know too many people who've heard "why don't you just adopt? Who cares if your child is biologically yours?" and it makes me seethe. My family, my choice!

rainbowturtles · June 2016

@chloe97 as long as we start TTC in September as planned I don't think there will be too much resentment, but if I give him this six months and for some reason he wants to delay in September then YEP, I'd say after thoroughly losing my shit that couples counselling might be necessary

I'd like to think he won't, I'm only nervous about it because of how badly I want it and I've had a lot of good things in my life taken away from me, so I worry

dubcompanion · June 2016

@RiverSong15

RiverSong15 said:

I'm glad we can all discuss this without judgment- I know too many people who've heard "why don't you just adopt? Who cares if your child is biologically yours?" and it makes me seethe. My family, my choice!

Spot on with this. I love that we all feel safe enough to pour our hearts on the [website] page and are able to discuss our personal matters without fear of judgment. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, and I enjoy learning about others' perspectives and having my own reflected upon. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing - our own families on our own terms.

chloe97 · June 2016

dubcompanion said:

@RiverSong15

RiverSong15 said:

I'm glad we can all discuss this without judgment- I know too many people who've heard "why don't you just adopt? Who cares if your child is biologically yours?" and it makes me seethe. My family, my choice!

Spot on with this. I love that we all feel safe enough to pour our hearts on the [website] page and are able to discuss our personal matters without fear of judgment. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, and I enjoy learning about others' perspectives and having my own reflected upon. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing - our own families on our own terms.

I think when it comes down to it, we realize we are all on different journeys to building our families. I'm glad no one felt threatened by my adoption comment- it was my personal family experience and I'm sure not everyone has the same experience.

dubcompanion · June 2016

@rainbowturtles I hope that you only need to be benched until September. I'd lose my shit too if DH told me to hold off that long, only to delay it even longer!

I harbor resentment towards my DH - not with TTC directly - but with life in general. He's taken 12 years to complete college. It's not his fault he didn't discover for a long while what his niche was, but it is his fault for failing out of the same university twice (yes, after all the work he put into being accepted back into it) and failing classes at two other colleges because he couldn't bother to seek academic help.

We'd agreed to wait until he graduated college to start, and he just kept not making steps towards this until his most recent endeavor. I want to reiterate that I'm glad we got a jump start on TTC 2 years ahead of his graduating semester, but I still feel set back due to his previous mistakes - that he repeated time and again.

I'm in the process of looking into therapy for myself, but I will also ensure that couples counseling is a possibility as well, when/if needed. The resentment will likely grow if we continue TTCAL with no progress or if we have a recurrent loss.

Edited for grammar

AliciaGoose · June 2016

I need to whine for a moment. I've been having a lot of TTC related dreams since my Mc, and it sucks. Last night I had the second dream that DH and I had a baby boy. They always feel so real and in the dream I feel so much love for this baby. Cue waking up to tears! Not a good way to start the day.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@AliciaGoose I had some weird dreams after my first loss. Stuff like I was alone with a baby and couldn't take care of him. It is so emotional, I'm sorry.

I have also been rethinking our TTC plan here as well. We are coming up on 2 years of trying. I am on my 6th IUI cycle. At the beginning of this cycle, my FSH tested a bit high, but my RE's nurse said that they are not concerned at this point and will not change treatment, but she just wanted me to know. I guess in case I get another high value, so I'm keeping track, but it was terrible information to get. I have no known issues before this, we have a slight MFI issue. We'll hopefully regroup with our RE during the TWW of this cycle and talk about the FSH, the losses, and next steps. Part of me wants to keep going w/IUI (it kind of worked twice, right?), another part wants to go all-in with IVF (which seems really f**king scary), and another part wants to just take a break.

On the adoption front, we are definitely open to it, and have talked about adopting subsequent children even if we are able to have a live birth. We wouldn't go the DE route--of course no judgment on those who do (and I am grateful for the egg and sperm donors that make it possible for people for whom that is the right path), I just think we're in the all or nothing camp. I would definitely grieve pregnancy and breastfeeding, but ultimately I don't think we could do DE. I will just be so annoyed if the people who oh so helpfully suggested adoption are all "see, I knew it would work out for you some way in the end" if we do adopt, totally sweeping things under the rug. Anyway, sorry for the vent and I really appreciate that we can have these open conversations.

edited for words/spacing

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

I had a dream last night that a friend had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and I was comforting her- so weird because I usually don't dream that much and also she isn't even pregnant or TTC...she's getting married in 2 months. Freaked me out this morning

JustBored10 · June 2016

Hello all. We found out on May 13th at ten weeks that I was carrying a blighted ovum. Had a D&C on May 19th followed by a round of Cytotec the following week due to possible retained tissue. I am finally starting to feel myself again this week. I am anxious to try again but want to give my body a few months of detoxing and healing but it is just so hard to wait. But then I get scared that this will happen again

Oh these feelings are all over the place.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

@JustBored10 I am so sorry for your loss. I also had d&c followed by cytotec for retained tissue. It's really hard. Give yourself time to grieve however you need to. Hugs.

Also, wanted to report that I am feeling better about the FSH after my acupuncture appointment this morning. She said that bloodwork right after a pregnancy/loss is not going to be particularly reliable, things can be all over the place.

srnj3 · June 2016

@BrightenMySky I am so sorry to hear you are going through this again.

I have had a great experience with my doctor's office and the nurses I have met there but there is this one nurse who has called me several times about test results I have had. She called me late Friday afternoon and left me a voicemail that said the post D&C genetic tissue testing came back and everything was normal. The way she said it was, "Everything is normal. I don't know what that means. That's good news. I guess." Like what? Why would you leave a voicemail like that? She couldn't think it through better before leaving the message? I called my husband crying because I was confused and he said not to call back and to just wait until we see the doctor in July for my post-op follow up because he is supposed to explain everything to me then. I'm trying to be cool and not overanalyze it. I know there is nothing I would be able to do about it anyway. When we found out about the miscarriage we were told that there was a lot of fluid behind the baby's neck and that was an indication of genetic issues. My doctor said sometimes nature makes a hard decision for us so we don't have to. Now I'm being told everything came back normal and I don't really understand what that means. My husband doesn't want me to Google anything. I get where he is coming from. We have too much going on right now for me to have another setback emotionally. I know if I call my doctor's office back they are just going to make me speak to the nurse who initially called me. I think it's better just to speak to my doctor in person. I just wish my appointment wasn't so far away. Anyway, I'm trying to stay distracted. I've been working out more because I didn't during my pregnancy. This week I am feeling better but thoughts about my miscarriage and test results always creep into my head... always.

GTKY - I overindulged last week. I had ice cream pretty much every night. I want ice cream so bad right now but I am really trying to put focus on my fitness and just taking better care of my body. I did buy a new pair of sunglasses and a few shirts for summer yesterday. Retail therapy always makes me feel better!

mjolk · June 2016

@srnj3

oh my gosh!! why would anyone in that position think saying that was appropriate?? I would get her name down and complain, she should not be making phone calls!

in my continuing saga after calling they said they got my results, doctor took hours to review it, then their phone system went down. and presumably today they are really busy.

I'm in my 20's but my s/o is in his 40's. so while I think we have lots of chances, it'd be nice to have children before he is in his 50's... so I feel a clock ticking as well. I realize my circumstances are quite different though.

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@mjolk Were you able to get your results? The waiting game is seriously the worst.

lyndam1 · June 2016

@AliciaGoose - thanks for the good luck wish! I'm hopeful for a good appt.
@chloe97 - I was only about 8 weeks (measuring 7 and a couple of days). Everyone kept telling me I was an advanced case with this type of ectopic pregnancy, which is a weird thought. I've never met this doctor, so I hope I don't have a pelvic exam with him! I might just feel a little odd about it. Thanks for mentioning RPL testing...It'll give me a chance to do a little research before I go!
@dubcompanion - thanks for the suggestion! With the first mc, I was advised to wait 3-6 months and when I asked why, the response was "to give you and your body time to heal." But it was an early loss with no complications! I have a feeling they'll recommend waiting at least 6 weeks, but I'll make sure to ask why!!
@JustBored10 - I'm sorry for your loss, but welcome to this supportive board! I don't think that fear will ever completely go away, but that's ok! You're not the only one, and it's ok to feel that way. Hugs to you!

lyndam1 · June 2016

@srnj3 - I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience with that confusing message! Hang in there!
@mjolk - I'm right there with you! DH and I have a 20+ year age difference between us! He is very supportive and wants to have a child, but we would both like it sooner rather than later! Tick tock.

mjolk · June 2016

@AliciaGoose My HCG went from (rounded) 27,400 to 27,200 in about a week. I get a final ultrasound tomorrow and they said I could schedule a D&C after that. I felt extremely relieved to finally see an "end" in sight, but also naturally depressed.

@lyndam1 hello! dont often see others in a similar relationship.

AliciaGoose · June 2016

@mjolk I'm so sorry

. I'm glad you're close to getting some closure. I understand that feeling of semi relief but also general sadness and depression about the process. Hugs to you.

mjolk · June 2016

The ultrasound confirmed again the empty sac. The ultrasound was optional (they were just gonna let me schedule a D&C but I knew my S/O would have appreciated the final confirmation. I think it made him more sad than me this time to see it, because I already "knew" but he may have had hope still.

I drank some wine last night but started crying because if things were right I wouldn't be doing that until 2017. After a bit the wine helped me relax, though, and I got plenty of hugs. S/O seems to want to try again as soon as we can which surprised me.

Unfortunately the doctor was not around to.. well, whatever he has to do to get me scheduled for the D&C. It is like since I went in for the extra ultrasound the process had to start again. Hopefully I'll get the call soon.

mjolk · June 2016

So so so angry. They call me after hours so said they can't even schedule me until Monday, because after hours, then told me to go to ER should I start miscarrying, because I'll need medicine which they cannot prescribe me now either. Thanks, so helpful.

This week was supposed to be the week everything got scheduled and sorted out. I am being dragged in the mud.

How is everyone doing? Check-in June 14

Re: How is everyone doing? Check-in June 14

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