New - Intro, losing hope (child mentioned)

devilanne · June 2016

hello everyone,
me and my husband (both 35) have been TTC out second child for over 4 years. Our daughter is 13. My husband had testicular cancer in 2006, had to have one removed and go through chemo. His counts are on the low side but our doc doesn't seem to think its impossible (motility is the worst but his counts have been over 10 mil). Every test I've had has come out perfect but for quite some time I was having very long cycles (40-50 days).
We started seeing the fertility doc about two and a half years ago. He started me on clomid to control my cycles. After six months doing that, I found out my new insurance didn't cover any of it (another long story) so I had to stop and wait to switch to my husbands. Once that kicked in, we went back and started clomid cycles again. I've had no problems ovulating (even with the long cycles) and we've used OPK tests along the way but still no luck.
Last month we did our first IUI. I was so hopeful

3 good follies, 37 mil count sample (fresh + a frozen one from pre-chemo) but my cycle started yesterday. I feel so defeated. Each IUI costs us $1100 and there's no way we can afford IVF. But I swore to myself we'd do three IUIs back to back bf taking a break.
Of course every friend under the sun is pregnant. And I just love how their advice to me is to "stop trying so hard". Well if I did that, I can guarantee it wouldn't happen! I've read this board a lot during my 2ww and it feels slightly better knowing we are not the only ones out there.
Thanks for listening (or reading).
~Anne

Hopeful_mom · June 2016

HI there! I'm new here myself, I've been TTC over year and 1/2 and just went through my first IUI, and I'm a bit nervous and not so hopeful especially as i only had one mature follicle. My cycle before i had 3 mature follicles and my cycle was only a day or two late....I certainly understand how u feel, glad you have sperm prior and hope ur hubbie is doing well. I've been on regular TTC sites and realized i need to be on one that has infertility as the main focus unfortunately. The pressure around is never easy thats for sure, every where i look I just see bellys and wonder why not me

At least you know you can get pregnant so thats hopeful for you, good luck!!

AugustAng · June 2016

Welcome! I hear you on being defeated by the IUI. It seems as if everything is lined up perfectly and then when you don't get that BFP, it is heartbreaking. I hope your next one is successful! The advice from others can be so hurtful. I wanted to punch someone who told me to relax and just go on a vacation.

devilanne · June 2016

Thanks guys! Reading these forums has helped - i just need to get out of this funk. Hopefully the meds don't drive me too insane this month, I was exhausted last month. and I have all you guys to talk too now, who actually understand!
Hopeful_mom - you just had your IUI, so you're in the 2ww? I think those were the most hopeful two weeks I had had in awhile. I was hoping to be one of those first time IUI success stories, but my beginner's luck isn't so good. Maybe you will be!!!
~Anne

Hopeful_mom · June 2016

@devilanne I hear you and thanks that would be soooo great!!! I'm concerned cause I only did one IUI I was suppose to do another one today but an emergency had to come first...talk about timing

I'm still hoping that it could should be enough!!!

very true @AugustAnn the good are literally in the right place why wouldn't it work. It's heartbreaking reading so many people going through so many rounds of this!!

i never thought TTC would be this difficult, as far as I kno no one in my family had any issues in this department and my OH has children already so it's definitely me...and that pill is stuff to swallow..especially when ur Drs can't find one good reason that I'm not pregnant already!! Ugh!!

wifeinraleigh28 · June 2016

Welcome @devilanne! I know how you feel. I felt so defeated each time our IUIs didn't work. It was just so disheartening, to know that I had multiple mature follicles and perfect timing and still couldn't get pregnant. We have a male factor issue though that is worse than yours, which is likely why we didn't see success with IUI. We only got between 6-9 million sperm post wash for each IUI. Hopefully you will be successful! This stuff is so expensive and overwhelming. Hang in there!

adunkin · June 2016

Welcome! I honestly feel like the crap advice is almost worse than all the other feelings one has about IF.

It's kinda crappy, but I found our first failed IUI the worst/hardest to deal with. So much hope and a naive belief that you won't be one of those couples stuck in IF hell. And then it fails and it hurts so much. I really found the next ones easier.

Also, FWIW my RE said there's no good evidence to support the idea that you have a better success rate with back to back cycles vs taking a break when you need it. So, if you need it - take a break. The RE will always be there ready to take your money and try to help you get pregnant. Good luck in the coming weeks and again - welcome!

MaggieLoo · June 2016

Welcome...I'm sorry any of us have to be here. I'm new myself, still learning a lot and feeling overwhelmed!

I can relate to your feeling like everyone else is preggers. I was at a farmer's market the other day and I honestly think I was the only woman there not sporting a belly! Like many of you have said- the advice & comments are the toughest. I think the worst are the "wait until you have one of your own" and the "you don't get it, you don't have kids"...makes me want to throat punch people.

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, as I'm just getting the hang of all this myself, but I just wanted to say hello & welcome and let you know you're not alone.

devilanne · June 2016

@adunkin you are totally right about the first IUI - I read all these 1st time IUI success stories and convinced myself it was going to happen. I thought optimism would help me conceive easier, pffft. That 20% chance was looking so good compared to the 5% naturally. And then it all comes crashing down. I'm back to being a little optimistic now. I just don't know what to do if the IUIs fail, I feel like that will be the universe telling me it's never gonna happen.

@MaggieLoo it is totally ridiculous the number of preggo ppl around us with Infertility problems. I have a friend having her 6th child (hate her), a friend having her 2nd totally unexpected (hate her too), and a co-worker who's about to go on her freaking 3rd maternity leave in 5 years (hate her most). I don't really hate them of course, but it feels so incredibly unfair. And then I think about how horrible a person I am for being so mad at them.

Again, thanks to everyone for the warm welcome.
~Anne

adunkin · June 2016

I don't think you can go ahead with fertility treatments without a bit of optimism. No one would put their body and mind through this without some hope! And yes - I hear the stats part. We had a 2% chance, which has now dwindled to 1-1.5% chance of natural conception. You'd think with all the help we're paying out of pocket for we'd eventually get lucky, but seems luck is rarely on our side these days!

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