I need to vent

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

DH and I were about to dtd today, since I'm entering my fertile week. When somehow we got into an argument and he said it was my fault that we lost our baby. I had a blighted ovum in August that was suposed to be our first.

Needless to say, pretty sure we are out for this month, as this will be on my mind for a while now and a little hard to forgive. I still can't believe he said that. It truly hurt my feelings

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Thanks for letting me vent.

Hopefulmommy1980 · June 2016

Ouch! I am so sorry. It sounds like he said the most hurtful thing he could think of.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

I am so sorry, that hurts. Hugs.

SnobunnieMel · June 2016

That is horrible. I would have punched my DH in the balls and made him sleep on the guest room for that.

BornReady · June 2016

Wow, that's a really horrible thing to say. I'm sorry that happened.

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

It really was the worst thing he could've said. I ended up getting dressed and snuggling and crying with the dog for about an hour. Then tried to watch TV to get my mind somewhere else before having to go into work. He then came and sat by me on the couch and pulled the laptop out and was watching youtube, as I was trying to watch tv. Made me even madder. I wish I would've just punched in the balls @SnobunnieMel, maybe next time

Haven't talked since, but I'm sure he knows how much that hurt me. Guess I'll see how long it takes to get an apology from that.

fiorip · June 2016

Things are said in the heat of the moment that we later regret, it sounds like a horrible confrontation, I would be crushed by a comment like that. Hope you can work things out.

nmd9168 · June 2016

That is a really horrible thing to say... I'm really sorry that happened to you. I would continue silent treatment until he apologizes. I hope you work things out. You deserve a spa day, paid in full by him.

BaylieGirl · June 2016

I'm so sorry!!! Thank god for Dogs!!!! My pup loves to lick my sniveling nose when DH says crappy things to me too.

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

Thanks ladies. Unfortunately my pup is a daddy's girl, so the snuggling was forced upon her, she would've bolted after the first 5 mins if I didn't have her cornered in the room.
@nmd9168 , as much as I think that would be amazing and he does owe me, I doubt it'll ever happen.

Hopefully things are better by the weekend, driving 6 hours in 1 day to visit his grandparents. And then the end of next week we go on vacation for 5 days.

Btw, still no apology yet.

Spartanrd4 · June 2016

I am so sorry that happened to you! I don't know what I would of done if DH did that. Just remember- whatever happened is NOT your fault. I hope things get better before your holiday...and there BETTER be an apology soon!

fivetimesnoluck · June 2016

I am so sorry that happened. I hope you KNOW that it is not true at all.
And now for the part where I weigh in with unsolicited advice... If you want to help advance the conversation, you may have to tell him how much what he said hurt your feelings. Of course it should be obvious, but in my experience, it is better to be clear and honest about your feelings - especially when we are all so tightly wound from the drama in our reproductive lives. My DH is amazing, but like anyone, he can say/do some pretty dense things. I have given up on him reading my mind... It's far more productive to tell him what's up. Men and Women really do think about things/manage things differently (generally speaking).

In any case, I hope you find some resolution soon. Good luck and big hugs.

SoonToBeMommaHowe · June 2016

I'm so sorry @sunnygirl0687. I struggle with blaming myself for our conception woes (for some reason I don't ovulate) but if DH had said that about our miscarriage I very may well have crumbled. That's terrible

I second the sentiments of @fivetimesnoluck. DH and I have had to have some pretty serious conversations about things that I thought were obviously hurtful and he just didn't seem to notice and/or think it was a big deal. It felt much better and eased a lot of tension once I brought it up to talk about it.

I really hope he comes to his senses and apologizes on his own but if not I'd bring it up. And then if he still doesn't apologize then I'd go straight for the balls as @SnobunnieMel suggested

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

@sunnygirl0687 i am outraged for you, i'm so sorry. That is so cruel, i hope he makes it up to you 10 fold.

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

So still no apology.

we started to talk a little tonight, but then we both had to leave for work. Hopefully tomorrow we can make up and should have time to catch the egg this cycle. Opks are still neg, but lots ewcm.
Thanks gals for all your support.

dubcompanion · June 2016

@sunnygirl0687 So sorry your DH had to take such an awful dig like that at you. I will thirdly agree with @fivetimesnoluck and @SoonToBeMommaHowe to bring it up first and explain how much his comment hurt you. You have the right to express how you feel and to let him know it's not okay to make disparaging statements like that.

It's possible that he knows he royally screwed up and doesn't know how to fix it. To us, it's obvious that the way to fix things is to man up and apologize! Unfortunately, many men - even the good ones - don't like to admit they're wrong and to especially have to talk about it.

Either way, I hope that things get resolved soon. TTC-ing is stressful enough, and it's doubly hard when it's your TTC partner causing stress and despair.

catiecatp · June 2016

wow that sucks - I'm sorry - DH and I are having issues (TTC and sex related, but not MC related) and it is the pits. It can be so hard when home isn't a haven/sanctuary. I hope things improve soon.

silentP · June 2016

I'm so sorry to hear this. I am sure he regrets it and I hope he makes it up to you soon.

BrightenMySky · June 2016

I am sorry this is not resolved yet. There are some thing that you just cannot say. I hope you can have a good talk with him to explain your feelings and get a sincere apology.

yolandamunoz · June 2016

I am so sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine how crushed you felt. I am sorry the person you love the most hurt you in such a way. I am sure he doesn't know how serious this was.

I agree with peeps saying that men think in a completely different way than women. You have to explain them some things very clearly. Subtle things are not obvious to them and you have to tell them.

Maybe you can write him a letter explaining him how much it hurt you, what he said. maybe it is easier for you to put things in writing while you are calm, and then show it to him, telling him "this is how I feel". And then you can talk.

My DH is awesome, kind and understanding, but in occasions he said some "innocent comments" or jokes that were hurtful. At that moment I just burst into tears, turned into a ball and cried hugging the dog, to his amazement.
Later I could explain how that comment -although innocent or well intended- was incredibly hurtful for me.

TW ..... Bad feelings *******

Once I found some post here, a lady posted a text about bereaved Mother's Day, and I showed it to him telling him that is how I felt. How I felt empty. How I missed my babies all the time. How I feel my body betrayed me. How I felt I failed him for not being able to stay pregnant. It was very hard to read, but it really helped him understand the actual depth of my grief.

Maybe you can do something like that if it's helpful to you. If you need help writing or finding texts that relate to you, I offer my humble help.

This too shall pass.

hugs!
-Y

ps: got carried away, such a long post, sorry!

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

We talked last friday. I think he finally understands. Feelings are still a little hurt, but things are better. We were able to dtd a couple times before I O'd, so Fx that this is our cycle. We are 9 cycles in since our mc, and 2.5 years since I've been off bc. So ready for our rainbow.....
Thank you to all you wonderful women for your kind words and support!
Now time to focus on our vacation at the end of this week, so excited!

heading to NYC!

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

@sunnygirl0687 i'm glad things are better with DH. Have a blast in NYC, that's where I'm from

(hence the screenname)

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

@brooklyngirl18 Thanks! Hopefully we don't get lost or mugged (2 biggest fears of going to a big city like that). Nothing is set in stone as far as our adventures while out there, but we have an idea of the things we want to do/see.

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

@sunnygirl0687 I'm sure you won't get lost or mugged lol if you need any recommendations let me know!

sunnygirl0687 · June 2016

@brooklyngirl18 any recommendations of good restaurants that won't break the bank? We're going to be in/near manhatten. Thanks so much!

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

@sunngirl0687 here are some of my favorites, check out the menus for pricing.

calle ocho- latin good, great location next to natural history museum upper west side.
eataly- huge open market with lots of different food vendors 23rd street
artisanal- french, pricey
blue smoke- bbq
zero otto nove- italian

and my favorite restaurant is Quality Meats. it's definitely a splurge but so so good. we go there for special occasions.

for dessert- ferrara's is a really good bakery/gelateria in little italy and serendipity are delicious.

edit name of restaurant

KarenBeth714 · June 2016

Have fun @sunnygirl0687 I live in NYC too ( Queens) If you go to Eataly like Borrklyn recommended, check out the highline walk just above. It's amazing in the Summer.. and then you can stroll down for some gelato! Enjoy!

brooklyngirl18 · June 2016

yes, great idea @KarenBeth714 the highline walk is so pretty.

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