Parenting Style

seven6five · June 2016

What kind of parenting style do you want to try to have? What style do you think is in place if you're already a parent? Why does it work for you? Is there anything that you're worried about?

I'll start, I believe the style I'd like to have is permissive (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). But basically, I'd like to be lenient with a few solid, unbreakable, hell will be paid if broken rules. There are certain things that I absolutely don't condone my children doing that I would have serious punishments set up for. At the moment I think I'm doing okay but DS is only 11 mo so there isn't much along the lines of discipline yet. Obviously if he's getting into something that could hurt him there's a stern no and swift removal. It seems to work so far but obviously he's still a baby so we will see. I'm worried about my kids having behavioral problems linked to mental illness. Most of my family has had struggles with depression and I had a touch with it during puberty. From what I've seen they have had significant difficulty controlling their anger. There are a few things I would try to do to parent it but I have seen the hardship first hand. I'm also really worried about being too much like my mom. I've cut her off for my own wellbeing and I'm terrified of being like her. I don't want my kids to see me how my brother and I see her.

leighry · June 2016

I'm pretty laid back in general. There are a few things that I am firm on like you said @seven6five .. but for the most part I let the kids be kids. They know when and where it's important to listen and be quiet.. they know to say please and thank you and take turns. It's a work in progress. They also definitely have their days where it's like they were raised by wolves. One day at a time.

TwandaFTG · June 2016

Parenting is a marathon. It is an exercise in patience and negotiations. We are firm we need be but I love that our house is pretty much a free zone for DS. He is allowed to touch and play and have access to many things/areas. Nothing is super breakable and the cabinets that hold stuff not for kids are locked.

He is a helper and sweet but he is also a hitter. I just keep reminding him hands aren't for hitting and keep saying no. I also try to shift his focus.

Lately I have tried "explaining" things and talking at eye level to him. I know he doesn't understand but I want him to get use to it. We don't use spanking as a discipline method.

It sounds lovey dovey but there is plenty of "no" said in our house. I want him to have boundaries but also want him to feel able to explore and be.

Who the hell knows what it will be like when I have No. 2. It might be just pure survival mode.

seven6five · June 2016

I'm so laid back about everything. MIL is definitely a type A helicopter type and it drives her nuts that I don't freak out over every little thing. Sometimes I'd like to remind her that that won't determine who your kids are since SO had pretty rough teenage years.

LolaHM · June 2016

I am a strict helicopter mom. I think it's a bit much to be honest. I sometimes intentionally ignore behavior that I instinctively want to correct because life's just too short. I was not raised this way at all, but I was the oldest child with younger siblings that I had to care for because of my parents lax parenting. I feel like my strict parenting will allow my children to not worry about adult problems, but I also think it kind or robs them of making their own choices and dangerous play.

RhodaMorgenstern · June 2016

I'd like to think we'll be laid back but I know a few 2-4 year olds whose parents have never said no to and I know that I can't deal with that. Their parents are miserable and the kids, who seem to love it when someone enforces boundaries, can't be too happy either. But I know a 5 year old who still sleeps in their parents bed and that will definitely not be happening.

AmandaR417 · June 2016

Right now, our plans on parenting are pretty much limited to 'holy crap, we're about to have to keep a tiny human alive.' it will likely evolve from there.

Truthfully, though, we were both raised with strict parents and I think we turned out OK, so I suppose it's natural that we will raise our own kid in a similar fashion. That's about as much thought as we've given the subject. I figure I should probably learn to change a diaper before I start stressing about my kid's future curfew.

blessdtxas · June 2016

We follow attachment and gentle parenting. We respond to needs consistently and promptly (no cio), babywear, cosleep, redirect, empathize, connect, no spanking, no punishment, natural consequences, baby led weaning, etc etc etc. Not at all what I envisioned before kids but it works great for us.

shevaCC · June 2016

We're loving and responsive parents that set firm limits for our kids. I typically follow "no punishment" approaches to discipline, expecting my kids to behave without threats or bribes. For my toddler I try to give lots and lots of choices, but sometimes have to use physical limits for safety (ie you hold hands in the parking lot or I carry you). With our preschooler we sometimes allow natural consequences to unfold where appropriate (ie ignoring our request to be careful and shattering her ice cream bowl on the floor = no dessert). For babies, there's no need for discipline since their wants are the same as their needs.

seven6five · June 2016

RhodaMorgenstern said:

I'd like to think we'll be laid back but I know a few 2-4 year olds whose parents have never said no to and I know that I can't deal with that. Their parents are miserable and the kids, who seem to love it when someone enforces boundaries, can't be too happy either. But I know a 5 year old who still sleeps in their parents bed and that will definitely not be happening.

Stuck in the box!

Oh no. My kids will sooner get whooped (which I really don't believe in) than walk all over me. And my kids can come cuddle every once in awhile during the day but that's it. I've met people who parent like that and I just don't get it.

*Unrelated.*

I actually saw a video on Facebook of a toddler beating his mom (?) and pulling her hair and if my kids ever even thought to touch me that way I don't know what I would do but it wouldn't be pretty for them. I was honestly just horrified that a child that young would be brutally attacking anyone.

aquasocks · June 2016

I don't think I have a specific style. Basically I'm like "Stay alive and don't be an asshole."

forevertired · June 2016

I feel like my parents and in-laws did a pretty good job, so our goal is to be similar to them. I had a lot of freedom and learned to make my own choices and ended up being a pretty independent person. I was well taken care of so I don't mean freedom in an ignored way. My mom was actually a SAHM for a lot of my childhood. I was rarely punished because I didn't need it but I knew if I messed up there would be a consequence, same with DH. I don't have kids yet, but my goal is to keep them from needing technology to be entertained for a long time. It drives me nuts when I see kids in a restaurant watching a movie on their iPad. I also don't want to spoil my kids with things but offer them opportunities like travel and experiences instead. Let's hope I hold my ground!

campbaby76 · June 2016

My biggest thing is that I want my kids to be kind. They don't have to have the best grades or be the best in sports but they need to treat everyone they meet with respect and kindness.
I'm pretty laid back, I do ask my 5 yo to help around the house and there are some no break rules but other than that we are pretty laid back. My other requirement is that my boys can do for themselves. Dh comes from a longggggg line of men that never had to do for themselves which is an annoying thing when you are the wife. So my sons learn to cook and clean and do laundry.

RhodaMorgenstern · June 2016

seven6five said:

RhodaMorgenstern said:

I'd like to think we'll be laid back but I know a few 2-4 year olds whose parents have never said no to and I know that I can't deal with that. Their parents are miserable and the kids, who seem to love it when someone enforces boundaries, can't be too happy either. But I know a 5 year old who still sleeps in their parents bed and that will definitely not be happening.

Stuck in the box!

Oh no. My kids will sooner get whooped (which I really don't believe in) than walk all over me. And my kids can come cuddle every once in awhile during the day but that's it. I've met people who parent like that and I just don't get it.

*Unrelated.*

I actually saw a video on Facebook of a toddler beating his mom (?) and pulling her hair and if my kids ever even thought to touch me that way I don't know what I would do but it wouldn't be pretty for them. I was honestly just horrified that a child that young would be brutally attacking anyone.

I know the video you're talking about and it was depressing to watch. I would never have been allowed to get away with putting my hands on anyone when I was a child, let alone my mom. We went out to dinner and an older woman approached a 2 and 1/2 year old we knew and told their parents how cute they are and their response was to yell "Shut your mouth, old lady." They all start laughing; parents, the older woman. I turned bright red. I was mortified and it wasn't even my child.

ficbot · June 2016

I probably err more on the strict side. My mom was strict and I turned out ok. My dad and stepmom are very unstructured and their kids turned out to be somewhat of disasters. I don't want to raise an adult who can't handle looking after themselves.

Also I am a teacher :-) So I feel confident being firm about behaviour and structure and all of this. My five-year-old stepson never whines with me. But he does when my husband is in charge :-)

My husband and I have very similar goals and wishes on the big stuff. A good kid, a happy kid, a self-reliant kid, in about that order. His one parenting hill to die on is that he will not fight with a kid about food. He remembers epic battles of will with his mother about food and he just will not. So if we get a picky eater, that may be a challenge for me to maintain nutrition standards given his feelings on this.

PrettyPalomino · June 2016

QUESTION: My sister and sister-in-law have 1 year olds, both of whom are starting to grab/want things they can't have, and if they don't get them they throw a mini cry fit or they start swinging at you. When do you start correcting this?? It's just mind boggling, they're too young to be toddlers!

ETA: In terms of what kind of parenting style I want to have, I want to be incredibly loving and affectionate, with clear cut rules that have 100% consistent consequences. No bribes, no cruel or unusual punishment. Just love and direction.

seven6five · June 2016

RhodaMorgenstern said:

seven6five said:

RhodaMorgenstern said:

I'd like to think we'll be laid back but I know a few 2-4 year olds whose parents have never said no to and I know that I can't deal with that. Their parents are miserable and the kids, who seem to love it when someone enforces boundaries, can't be too happy either. But I know a 5 year old who still sleeps in their parents bed and that will definitely not be happening.

Stuck in the box!

Oh no. My kids will sooner get whooped (which I really don't believe in) than walk all over me. And my kids can come cuddle every once in awhile during the day but that's it. I've met people who parent like that and I just don't get it.

*Unrelated.*

I actually saw a video on Facebook of a toddler beating his mom (?) and pulling her hair and if my kids ever even thought to touch me that way I don't know what I would do but it wouldn't be pretty for them. I was honestly just horrified that a child that young would be brutally attacking anyone.

I know the video you're talking about and it was depressing to watch. I would never have been allowed to get away with putting my hands on anyone when I was a child, let alone my mom. We went out to dinner and an older woman approached a 2 and 1/2 year old we knew and told their parents how cute they are and their response was to yell "Shut your mouth, old lady." They all start laughing; parents, the older woman. I turned bright red. I was mortified and it wasn't even my child.

That kind of behavior makes my skin crawl. It is so blatantly disrespectful. I would have been whooped for doing either of those things.

seven6five · June 2016

ficbot said:

I probably err more on the strict side. My mom was strict and I turned out ok. My dad and stepmom are very unstructured and their kids turned out to be somewhat of disasters. I don't want to raise an adult who can't handle looking after themselves.

Also I am a teacher :-) So I feel confident being firm about behaviour and structure and all of this. My five-year-old stepson never whines with me. But he does when my husband is in charge :-)

My husband and I have very similar goals and wishes on the big stuff. A good kid, a happy kid, a self-reliant kid, in about that order. His one parenting hill to die on is that he will not fight with a kid about food. He remembers epic battles of will with his mother about food and he just will not. So if we get a picky eater, that may be a challenge for me to maintain nutrition standards given his feelings on this.

I'm a strong believer in structure as well. It really is everything. I don't think it necessarily coincides with how strict you are as a parent though. DS is always a grumpy mess when we go off schedule even if only for a day.

My friend's son is about a month older than mine and there is no structure, no schedule, nothing. I love both of them but no no no. That kid is a mess.

Food is something I am actually really firm about. I am extremely lenient and relaxed about most stuff, but there are a of couple things that I won't budge on. DS just doesn't get sugar or junk food period. If he doesn't know how it tastes he won't know he wants it.

BabyVB118 · June 2016

I am so impressed that so many of you are able to concisely describe your current or anticipated parenting styles. My husband and I have talked about a lot of these things and luckily we tend to agree but I am not prepared to put a plan into words.

leighry · June 2016

I'm strict on food in a sense. The girls have water or milk with breakfast and dinner.. if they want juice with lunch I'm okay with it. Breakfast and lunch are usually reserved for things like cereal, granola, fruit, almonds, yogurt, etc. Dinner is usually a protein and veggie (usually just what my husband and I are having). We do our best to teach our kids to reach for healthy (ier).. choices. But goldfish and animal crackers are staples in our house as well. We are laid back when we are out or at someone else's house. And when it comes to birthday cake our kids are no strangers. It's easier for us since our kids have no allergies. We don't have to be cautious about anything we feed them. Makes things easier!

rooftop · June 2016

I would say I'm on thw laid back side with a specail attention to "teachable moments" I ask DD questions when disciplining, that way she can hopefully think it through on her own next time a similar issue comes up. I also ask her opion on things like what outfit she would like to wear and what she wants for snack or dinner. I try to make her as independant as possible with her decision making since my parents were super strict. What they said went without any explanation. So I really struggled with decision making once I was on my own

yosemite2018 · June 2016

seven6five said:

Food is something I am actually really firm about. I am extremely lenient and relaxed about most stuff, but there are a of couple things that I won't budge on. DS just doesn't get sugar or junk food period. If he doesn't know how it tastes he won't know he wants it.

This is exactly how I feel about bacon. I've never tried it, and if I don't know what it tastes like then I will never crave it.

When my sister and I were younger my dad tried to get us to eat stuff that we really didn't want to. My mom said to him "did you like it when your mom forced you to eat things that you didn't want to?". He said no, so she said "Then why are you doing the same thing to our kids?". He never again made us try things (I'm talking get about liverwurst, not eating veggies on a plate). Instead he encouraged is to try new foods without forcing us.

I honestly love the way I was raised and hope to do the same with my kids. We didn't have a lot of rules, but we were fairly well behaved. There were consequences for bad behavior (I said something rude to my friend's grandma so I couldn't go to a birthday party; I locked myself in a bathroom to avoid getting blood drawn and I lost my teddy bear for a week... Which was a big deal to me). When I didn't want to do something my parents would give me an option of doing it or suffering a consequence, so instead of feeling punished I made the choice for myself and had to decide if it was worth it.

SO didn't have a lot of responsibility growing up and we both want to make sure our kids have age appropriate responsibility from a young age. I didn't really have an allowance so chores happened because they were the right thing to do not because I was getting paid. When I wanted money for something there were extra ways to earn it (babysitting, washing cars, etc) and my parents would match me as long as I earned the money (versus being gifted it).

FirePoppy · June 2016

FTM. I like the idea of using some Montessori techniques (encouraging independence, exploration as age appropriate) and have also read several articles from handinhandparenting.com (using compassion paired with boundaries). Of course, I have no idea what things will actually be like

Muscatmommyof4 · June 2016

I don't have a particular parenting style since all 3 of my kids personalities are very different not one thing works for all 3. I have always co-slept and been very attentive I do not believe in an infant crying it out. But I am also strict and can be loud I do believe in spanking depending on the situation, we also take things away like sports(this is very big in our house), playing outside, electronics... We are very open with our kids about a lot of things so they are not naive or left wondering. My kids are all taught to be independent, learn from their mistakes but to also ask for help when needed. I don't go by any specific style I feel like parenting is a trial and error sometimes. Somethings will work and some won't and just because it worked with one child does not mean it will work for the other. My oldest needs structure and routine so if something changes he needs to be aware ASAP or it throws him off.. My middle child needs alone time at least once a week or she acts out because she feels left out. My youngest is a go with the flow as long as she has her parents and or her siblings she's good. My husband and I planned to be these strict parents that wouldn't let our kids get away with anything and that changed once we actually had kids.

hollowway · June 2016

I co-slept for the first year and breastfed til DD was 2.5, actually weaned about a month ago. I baby-wore and never let her cry it out. We did baby-led weaning and try to eat wholefoods and limit junk.

I have a very strong willed, spirited, independent and sweet daughter. I set boundaries and rules, but also try not to snuff out her fire. Because she is so fierce! We definitely have our moments when it's a battle of wills and a lot of times I have to turn away so she doesn't see me laughing. Her father says she has a deadly combination of my attitude and his personality. So we try to be firm but also give her the room to make mistakes. She's very polte, says "please" and "thank you" or "no thank you", "bless you", "your welcome" and "excuse me." She's 2.5yo... Example: she got some applesauce on her shirt and said, "mommy can you clean my shirt please?" And when I was done, she said, "thank you mommy"...

With our son, we want to do the same. Let him be who he is, while still being a gentleman. He can have a wild side as long as he minds his manners and respects his elders.

You go into this thinking one thing, and end up doing a whole different thing because each child is unique and different!

arcticseal-2 · June 2016

I'm a strict parent. I want my kids to be well-behaved and to listen. That doesn't mean not loving though. My girls get hugs and love and snuggles. They are expected to at least try what is put in front of them to eat (and that's a lot of variety. I'm the cook and like variety!) and to get their needed sleep. Not that they don't stay up late, they do when Mom thinks it's worth it!

talkthewholetime · June 2016

Kids are kids are kids and babies are babies - I'm very careful to know that's developmentally appropriate/what I can expect my daughter to do. I'm definitely what would fall in line wiht being a "peaceful" parent - I don't and will not hit my kids, our punishments are appropriate and "natural consequences" of the action. (I won't let you hit me, I'm going to go sit on the other couch if you can't stop). My daughter is (so far) a great listener both at home and at daycare. We have set routines and bedtimes. Peaceful =/= pushover.

sweetlyuntied · June 2016

We are probably best described as authoritative (not authoritarian) parents. We have a firm framework but allow significant freedom as long as it falls within that framework. Example: she is not allowed to play in the street, but she can do whatever on earth she wants to do in the backyard (a safe area), I don't micromanage her. Even though my DD is still young, I do try to engage her and explain things to her. Except when safety is on the line or she's tantruming, in both cases, it's all about diffusing the situation.

But I will say that parenting styles evolve with time and really depend significantly on the child. There's also no "one size fits all" parenting strategy. In some ways, we have very much been attachment parents (baby wearing, nursing, no CIO etc.). But in others, we have definitely not been (she started sleeping in her own room at 3 months). It's good to have a strategy but also good to be flexible.

sweetlyuntied · June 2016

PrettyPalomino said:

QUESTION: My sister and sister-in-law have 1 year olds, both of whom are starting to grab/want things they can't have, and if they don't get them they throw a mini cry fit or they start swinging at you. When do you start correcting this?? It's just mind boggling, they're too young to be toddlers!

ETA: In terms of what kind of parenting style I want to have, I want to be incredibly loving and affectionate, with clear cut rules that have 100% consistent consequences. No bribes, no cruel or unusual punishment. Just love and direction.

This is a great question and the short answer might be that 1 is too young to expect to "correct" this behavior, at least not instantly. The goal is to control the behavior and teach away from it with time. But toddlers have tantrums because they aren't developmentally capable of handling certain situations rationally. Even toddlers who are the "best behaved" will have limits.

When my daughter hits (rarely, only when tired and very frustrated) my goal is to generally deescalate the situation, to reinforce that hitting is not appropriate behavior, and then to ask her to apologize and give me a kiss or a pat-pat. She's learning, now sometimes she'll catch my face and say "sorry mommy" and give me a kiss right away. it hasn't stopped overnight, but my goal is to gradually change the instinct to hit, and having firm boundaries when it does happen.

ETA and I assure you, 1 is not too young to be a toddler!!!

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