How to tell family that they CAN'T be there during labour and delivery

Knottie1443924966 · June 2016

I loved that we had the board discussion about who will be there during our labour and delivery.

But how are you planning to tell family and friends that they are unwelcome at the hospital? The delivery etc.

LCartee2016 · June 2016

Yeah, I'm throwing DH under the bus for this. I anyway know MIL will want to be in the room, but I don't want her there. We're not that close and it would be awkward for me. I'm just going to have DH tell her if it comes up, because I'm really bad about saying yes to things I don't want to make sure no one has their feelings hurt.

Knottie1443924966 · June 2016

How will you bring it up to DH?

LCartee2016 · June 2016

@Knottie1443924966 probably pretty bluntly. We had discussed it my previous pregnancy, so I'll just remind him off my wishes.

Knottie1443924966 · June 2016

I fear my husband's adultish daughter who lives at her mother's will want to be there. And he is very much behind her. I don't know how to say. I don't want her there.. any suggestions?

KarliQ88 · June 2016

I'm very blunt. I tell people like it is. Just going to say no you cannot be there but we will keep you updated and you can visit when we are out of L&D and have had our own time. No fears from me on telling anyone no.

LCartee2016 · June 2016

@Knottie1443924966 Well, you could nip the whole issue I'm the bud ahead of time by casually pointing out you only want DH (or whoever) in the room with you. No one else because it's a very personal time for parents and baby, and you want the time to bond with baby. Or some variation. I'm not against saying something directly to someone (in a nice way) if it's brought up. I just really hate confrontation and am kind of playing on the fact that DH has already had his fill of his family jumping ahead of us with news and such.

If she won't take no for an answer, then you'll have to be blunt.

Wholesome · June 2016

I take the opposite approach. I tell who can be there and leave it at that. "The only people who will be there are [my husband] and medical personnel. We'll let everyone else know when the baby is born. We won't allow visitors until after birth so there's no need to wait in the hospital waiting room."

If you get someone pushy, I just repeat, "the only people will be ___ and medical personel."

No need to apologize. No one is entitled to be there.

Also, we didn't allow visitors until we'd be alone with our baby for an hour. It's important to develop that relationship right off the bat, especially if you're breastfeeding. I highly recommend it.

ETA
Nurses are excellent bouncers. Let them know what you want and they'll be sure to enforce it.

karaelaine1991 · June 2016

With DD I didn't really outright say people couldn't be there. Instead I said who the only people who could be there were, firmly and on multiple occasions. People (aka MIL) got the message and no one tried to argue with me.

JLJ2012 · June 2016

There is usually a limit to the number of people allowed in at one time. Find out what yours is. Our hospital was 2 people. Aside from that, stand your ground. As a parent you will get good at that real quick! If you think there will be an issue tell the nurses not to let anyone in, you do need ID and permission to get back there, it is not like anyone can just walk in. Worst case scenario...don't tell people you are in labor and call them all after the baby is born.

mommywesley · June 2016

I let the hospital staff be the bad guys, they are good at it lol

MrsRahl · June 2016

Our hospital allowed 2 people. He was one and I told them to be fair, no one else could come in. When labor hit, I was glad my mom was there and I swore up and down I didn't want her there. Must have been the drugs

Knottie1443924966 · June 2016

These are some great responses!

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · June 2016

Just tell the nurses who is or isn't allowed in the room. You are their priority and they will listen to your wishes. You can even write it into your birthing plan if you wrote one out. Or just tell them verbally when you get there.

Its T just like telling them if you want meds, a water birth, whatever.

ChaoticWolf · June 2016

My personal opinion is that if you didn't push me out of your body or put this baby in my body, you're not allowed to see my body in labor. I'll probably just tell everyone that I want a very personal and private birth experience since I'll be naked and everything, and then invite them to stay in the waiting room until I'm ready and clothed. I don't want the birth of my child to be a spectator sport.

Lecool · June 2016

I agree with PP's about just being blunt about it. I'm going to make it clear very early on (awhile before baby is born) that no one will be in the room with my except my H. That way there is no question the day of, and no one will get it in their heads that they will be there and then be upset when they're told they won't be at what they feel is last minute. Sure, it might hurt some feelings, but it's important that they respect your wishes and give you space if you want/need it.

I also agree with @Wholesome about being with baby alone for awhile before people start coming in and passing him/her around to be held by everyone. My aunt had a baby two years ago, and family was let into the room pretty soon after baby was born, and I could tell my aunt was dying to hold the baby, but she was being hogged by the grandmas and aunts and uncles, and my Aunt wouldn't speak up asking for the baby back. I felt really bad for her. I definetely want to have time alone with just me, H, and baby before the baby parade starts. I know this will drive my Mom insane, but I think that bonding time is so important.

KSimone619 · June 2016

Don't tell them you are in labor!

Carly79 · June 2016

Depending on your preferences you can give them a choice. Tell them who will be in the delivery room with you and then tell them they either have the choice to know and decide if they are going to sit in a hospital waiting room until you are ready for visitors after the birth or you can not tell them until the baby is born, their choice. I agree with being blunt, it's your baby, your wishes, and they should be respectful of that but if you are ok with them waiting in a waiting room until you are ready (my parents had to wait until 2 hours after baby was born) let them know their options.

TexasGal24 · June 2016

Knottie1443924966 said:

I fear my husband's adultish daughter who lives at her mother's will want to be there. And he is very much behind her. I don't know how to say. I don't want her there.. any suggestions?

Can you tell the hospital/your doc or midwife that you only want DH in the room and that NO ONE else is allowed?

I just don't understand people who do this - like THEY get to decide that they are attending such a private and stressful-enough experience? UGH!!! Why doesn't she have a baby then she can attend her own labor?

bundleoffund · June 2016

I always worry about people's feelings, but when I had my son, I did not. I wasn't rude at all, but I explained with my anxiety and being in pain, I didn't want it to be an all day event and a party. I wanted a calm labor with just my husband, and we told our families that we would call them after the birth. In my case, I ended up laboring all day and night and ended in a c-section. It would have been a total waste for them to have been there anyway!

Be honest and kind. This is a huge life event and you have the final say.

colleenkevin · June 2016

These are really great answers from everyone. Thankfully, I had no push-back when I told people it would only be my husband and me in the room (which is amazing because my SIL was induced and labored entirely on her back in bed, so she had my MIL and FIL popping in and out of the room as they wished...def. not for me!)

@PaukMeKiande totally nailed it - I felt like it was no one's business to see my body in labor. I was walking around half-naked for hours. I read a lot about labor and delivery before my birth because I wanted to make the best possible decisions for myself and my baby. One thing that stood out to me is the importance of undisturbed labor as the biological norm. If you have someone in the room who you are not comfortable with, it can affect your ability to labor effectively. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595201/

I also especially agree with @Wholesome on the undisturbed hour after birth - if you haven't heard of this please look it up! It's so good for bonding and for baby's health (temperature regulation, breathing, and heartbeat are all better when skin-to-skin on mom) After my daughter was born, the nursing team and my OB left the room and my husband and I had almost 1.5 hours alone with my daughter before they came back to move us to our maternity suite.

Jkp7749 · June 2016

I only had dh in the room. I was happy to have everyone in the waiting area (even though I did labor all day and ended up in a c-section). They came in very late for a few minutes and then let us have our time- the way I looked, no one stayed more than about five minutes lol- it was never an issue though. I never said you can't come, but just like Pps, I said it will only be me and dh. Same goes this time around.

Also the nurses are AWESOME! I couldn't feel my bladder to tell when I needed go and I was pumped full of so much liquid that when I stood up I had an accident twice. When I finally could feel my bladder a little, I couldn't tell until it was time to go. Mil was visiting and we aren't super close, so the last thing I wanted to do was pee in front of her, I panicked and told the nurse I needed to use the restroom and mil kept sitting there and the nurse freaked out and told her to leave. Whew I was so thankful

nolemomma14 · June 2016

Definitely let the staff know your wishes, they are really good about making sure you are comfortable.

You and baby are the most important things. You can let your husband deal with MIL or anyone else if you want. Last time it was DH, my mom and grandma with me and it was fine, it'll probably be the same this time. There were quite a few people in the waiting room though, besides grandparents and this time I don't want anyone waiting other than the other grandparents and my brothers if they decide to. This time around my number one concern, aside from bonding with baby is DS. I want him to have special time with DH and I and the new baby and not a bunch of people asking to hold the baby.

Vivi20 · June 2016

Reading these comments makes me feel better about really putting my foot down. I mentioned to my dh that I might let my sister in the room, too, and his response was "well then you have to let my mom in, too. We can't let what happened last time happen again,"
I can't even convey to you all how angry that makes me. I wish he would just shut up and say "okay darling, whatever you're comfortable with," But he's so darn concerned with hurting his wackadoo mother's feelings. So I'm pretty sure I will just say that no one is coming in the room until at least a few hours after the baby has been born.

stumptownmama · June 2016

It was pretty simple for us. I just told everyone it would be DH only. We didn't have any pushback fortunately. My family waited in the waiting room which was fine. We had two hours together before we let anyone in to meet the new baby. It was perfect that way.

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