How Do I Tell My Very Catholic Mom, I'm Pregnant out of Wedlock?

anniegetchergun · June 2016

So My mom and I have always been very very close. She was a single mother, having divorced my father when I was only 6 months old, and she always warned me about getting pregnant outside of wedlock, mostly because I think she felt she'd bear the brunt of the responsibility. Now, I'm not terribly young, I'm closer to 30 than I am 20, at this point, and my boyfriend is a lawyer, who's significantly older than me, and wants to be involved in the pregnancy. Really, it's been me keeping marriage away as I don't want him to marry me out of obligation. I fear that will breed resentment. However, I've told many, many, many people now that I've passed the 12 week mark, EXCEPT my mother, and it's killing me every day. I know I'm just being a chicken Sh**t, but I'm afraid to reveal to her, a woman who worked her fingers to the bone to send me to catholic school for 9 years, that I'm pregnant out of wedlock. All of my boyfriends sisters had their kids without being married, and most of my friends have done the same, so many have told me it's not a big deal, but there's no breaking down that tradition. Anyone have any advice?

Toller · June 2016

That's really tough... do you think you'll get married? or is the relationship pretty new?

I ready somewhere once that a priest told one woman that "the sin isn't having a child out of wedlock- it's the pre-marital sex"

(don't quote me on the accuracy of that- I've only been Catholic for 5 years!)

Could you go to confession? Would that help her at all?

jenlynne0624 · June 2016

That is hard, but she did get divorced which is also against the Catholic thing (I am also Catholic), so maybe she won't take it as badly as you think? If you're closer to 30 and your man is older and you've been together for awhile, she should understand that it's ok and it happens. You're in a loving relationship and you're bringing a baby into this world. She's going to be a grandma! That'll make it exciting for her.

ashleaf2018 · June 2016

My family isn't catholic, but they are very religious. I have a fiancé, but we are waiting until we get out of school to get married. I knew my dad would be upset, so honestly I just had to sit him down and say, "I don't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but I also don't want you to hear it from someone else. We are having a baby, and we have had time to get used to the idea so we are excited, but I know that you will be upset about it and that you will need time to adjust to it, too."

I was pregnant last fall and had a MMC in October, and that time around I did not get to tell him. I told my cousin, who told my aunt who told my grandmother who told my dad. And I think that pregnancy he was more upset about not because of the actual pregnancy but because of how he found out. Because this time, when I was the one to tell him and I was understanding of his feelings about the whole thing, he reacted wonderfully. We talked about how hard it was going to be, but that whatever he could do to make it easier on us or be more supportive, he wanted to help. Your mom will need time to come to terms with it just like you did, but as long as she hears it from you first and you give her that space she needs to react to it and come to terms with it, I think you'll find that your mom will start to get excited about it too, because that's her grand baby.

yellingbanana · June 2016

My in laws are super Catholic, and have been on us for years about getting married. But I was a student, and I get we should get married when WE wanted to do it (also when I didn't have so much homework!).
Our 1st daughter is 9 now, our 2nd is 5, and our last is due dec. 10. We are just getting married this summer!
Make sure to tell your mom how happy you are and you can still be a family without being married. I know a few other couples like us, and I feel like our relationship is just as strong as if we had been married.
Tell your mom how much you love her, and that you didn't plan on making her a grandma, but that's what God has in store for your family. The sooner you get it over, the sooner she can start getting over the shock and get excited!

DiFazette · June 2016

I vote tell your mother ASAP. Regardless of how she will feel or react - there will be nothing worse than her hearing it from someone else. You know people talk. The more time she has to get used the the idea, the faster she will adjust and become a support system. You're delaying the inevitable. Good luck!

marissaphelan · June 2016

I'd tell her after the initial shock I'm sure she'll be super happy. I'm on my second child and we still aren't married, I always say if it works for you don't worry what others say!

slartybartfast · June 2016

ashleaf2018 said:

My family isn't catholic, but they are very religious. I have a fiancé, but we are waiting until we get out of school to get married. I knew my dad would be upset, so honestly I just had to sit him down and say, "I don't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but I also don't want you to hear it from someone else. We are having a baby, and we have had time to get used to the idea so we are excited, but I know that you will be upset about it and that you will need time to adjust to it, too."

I was pregnant last fall and had a MMC in October, and that time around I did not get to tell him. I told my cousin, who told my aunt who told my grandmother who told my dad. And I think that pregnancy he was more upset about not because of the actual pregnancy but because of how he found out. Because this time, when I was the one to tell him and I was understanding of his feelings about the whole thing, he reacted wonderfully. We talked about how hard it was going to be, but that whatever he could do to make it easier on us or be more supportive, he wanted to help. Your mom will need time to come to terms with it just like you did, but as long as she hears it from you first and you give her that space she needs to react to it and come to terms with it, I think you'll find that your mom will start to get excited about it too, because that's her grand baby.

This maybe belongs in the Why am I crying tab but the beautiful way you handled this and were understanding of his different point of view is making me all teary eyed.

SarahF8611 · June 2016

I think that a lot of times response can be tied to how a message is delivered. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is exciting news! "Mom, guess what??? Me and XX are expecting a baby this December! I know we are doing things backwards but we are SO excited and I hope you are too! Wanna see the ultrasound?" Good Luck!! I think she'll surprise you with excitement!

JEM525 · June 2016

My Brother had his first kiddo out of wedlock and he was terrified to tell our Catholic parents. The truth is, it was hard for him and hard for them. As parents we worry about our kids forever. I'm sure she will have her worries and concerns but in the end will be the best grandma and mom you could imagine. It may take her some time to proses it and she may not react well to the news but she's your mom and she will come around. Wish you luck!

temmetime · June 2016

ashleaf2018 said:

Your mom will need time to come to terms with it just like you did, but as long as she hears it from you first and you give her that space she needs to react to it and come to terms with it, I think you'll find that your mom will start to get excited about it too, because that's her grand baby.

This! My mother grew up very by-the-book Catholic and she herself is definitely many times more relaxed than her sisters are or her mother was. My sister had a baby out of wedlock and actually completely out of any type of relationship. She was so scared to tell mom that she just burst into tears when they were talking one day. Mom reacted SO WELL! My sister was actually looking into adoption when my parents insisted that she let them adopt Sofia before ever letting her out of the family. Her and my dad are absolutely crazy nuts about my now 3 year old spoiled niece

Like Ashley said, at the end of the day she gets to have a grandchild - what an incredible blessing and miracle of life! Best of luck to you in your conversation with her you'll have to update us!

maamawaabangi · June 2016

A few thoughts...

Don't assume anything, you might be surprised. I was terrified to tell my parents we're having baby #7... Pretty much "just as bad" in most people's books as having a baby outside of marriage. But, my mom was surprisingly excited and my dad was like "what's one more... Are you ok with it?" Which totally shocked me! Last time (#6) they weren't so understanding and when we had our 4th and 5th they asked "do you really want that many kids?" Haha! People can change, and can be more gracious than we expect them to be.

If she doesn't take it well... Let her have time to process... You've had lots of time to wrap your brain around this. Others sometimes need the same gift of time. Give it with out conditions and let her process. As a mama I'm sure she'll worry about you and naturally "want what's best". Let her deal with her stuff.

And I agree... keeping it positive and enthusiastic and sharing your excitement is thE way to go... I'd also say something like,
"Mom, I've always admired you and looked up to you for how you raised me and did motherhood bravely. That helps me know this baby and me will be just fine."

You got this thing... And for real, just do it! Either way you'll not have it hanging over your head and worrying.

ashleaf2018 · June 2016

Oh yeah, definitely be excited about it when you tell her! That will definitely help her feel better about it. But just know that no matter how happy it makes you, she will have some mixed feelings about it. I say that not to be a debbie-downer, but if you tell her and you are just SO excited about it and she is obviously not, don't let that ruin your excitement. Just know that she will need time to reciprocate that feeling. Honestly, the most important thing is making sure she hears it from you and not someone else. She may even feel a little hurt that she wasn't one of the first to know, and that's okay. The fact that you are worried about her feelings shows what a good relationship you two have, and this baby is most likely to only bring you two closer the earlier you let her in on the good news!

sammyl1221 · June 2016

Coming from a Catholic household I know that the guilt of keeping something like that secret is probably eating at you.... The Catholics do a great job of instilling fear at an early age. Hello years of catholic school. I would be honest with your mom. Explain to her your current situation. Tell her your goals and plans. Don't let this deter you from a happy pregnancy. Also the shock will hopefully wear off and your mom will be so happy to be a grandmother. Good luck!

Christinaruth74 · June 2016

My family is very "religious" for all intents and purposes. My father is an AG pastor and so we grew up in a home where sex and alcohol were taboo.
Both my older brother and my older sister were expecting out of wedlock. It was so "shameful" that they had to confess it in front of the entire church.. To this day I cringe at the thought of all the guilt and condemnation they must have heaped upon themselves.
Anyway, I say all of that to say I get what it's like to feel like you haven't met the expectations of your parent / the church. It can be such a crippling fear which is so unfortunate since the entirety of the Gospel screams GRACE. Talk to your mom. There will likely be some initial shock/disappointment but it will pass because you are her child and it's amazing how big the love we have for our kids can be. It can overshadow the greatest of disappointments. And know that eventually this won't be disappointing. A child is worthy of celebrating and I bet she will fall in love with the idea of becoming a grandma.
good luck, momma ❤️

maamawaabangi · June 2016

Goodness! We are reformed (denominationally speaking) and very active in our faith. But, I just don't "get" this attitude of shame and taboo about unwed mothers or couples.
It's a baby, people of faith are suppose to uphold and cherish and LOVE new life... There is absolutely NO shame in having a baby. While I get that the act that created the baby was done outside of Gods will and best plan, God is sovereign and the "author of life" ... The sun is 100% not the issue.

SO many examples in the Bible contain the same kind of sin, but all show and seem to say it's as if the baby was quite literally Gods grace and providence of good things. Not something shameful.

I'm so sad to here that people treated your brother like that. That isn't the Gospel.

maamawaabangi · June 2016

Sorry, I realized I just derailed things!
What I came to say was, please let us know how it goes!!!
You're being lifted up and we support you!

zubenescamali · June 2016

Just tell her it was an immaculate conception.
Mary has gotten away with that lie for over two thousand years.

i'm j/k btw.

Want a personalized experience?

How Do I Tell My Very Catholic Mom, I'm Pregnant out of Wedlock?

Re: How Do I Tell My Very Catholic Mom, I'm Pregnant out of Wedlock?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

How Do I Tell My Very Catholic Mom, I'm Pregnant out of Wedlock?

Re: How Do I Tell My Very Catholic Mom, I&#039;m Pregnant out of Wedlock?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: How Do I Tell My Very Catholic Mom, I'm Pregnant out of Wedlock?