Concern for a friend who is a new mommy..

Seleyna · May 2016

Stm here. Yesterday I was able to spend with one of my coworkers who just had her first child. The poor woman had such a terrible pregnancy, followed by an equally rough labor and delivery. Her husband isn't a ton of help, but he does pitch in from what I understand.

The part that scares me is that her son was born at 7.14lbs. At eight weeks old, he's only at 9.1lbs. I'm so worried for him that he might be slowly starving. I know she doesn't really know what to look for, but he just seemed to be slightly listless and dehydrated when I pinched his skin and it took a moment to go back. He has terrible reflux, but I feel like they need to be adamant with the pediatrician about what they need to do. He's so tiny and I know that none of this is intentional, I know she's doing her damnedest.

My question is: How would you attempt to brooch this incredibly sensitive topic with your friend? What suggestions would you have for her, and what references would you give for information?

LaceyH13 · May 2016

Does the baby see a pediatrician regularly? What are your qualifications to override what a pediatrician says? Is there some sort of medical condition the baby is dealing with that perhaps you don't know about? These are genuine questions.

Peanut1128 · May 2016

That's really tough. Did she express any concern to you? If so, that opens the door for you to push for her to get more help from the pediatrician. If not, tread lightly with unsolicited advice. Maybe tell her a story about a "friend" who had a similar experience: slow weight gain, dehydrated, etc and see if she offers up anything.
I will add I think it's sweet that you are worried and want to help, I just don't want you to upset her or have your intentions be misconstrued.

dec15mum · May 2016

To be honest, the weight gain does not come as a concern, DS took ages to gain weight but he was healthy and it might be because of the reflux. Personally, if the health visitor is seeing them then I wouldn't bring it up it could easily be taken the wrong way.

The most I would say is something like "just remember sometimes it takes a little push for HVs to see it as a concern"

ETA: at 5 months my LO has only gained about 5 and a half pounds, maybe 6 now. He's perfectly healthy but just doesn't put on weight fast

Gingermom15 · May 2016

Was his soft spot sunken in? If he cried, were there tears?

beccabeeee · May 2016

I'm not really seeing too much of a concern with the weight. My LO was so slow to gain weight and had issues gaining, and is still slow to gain... at almost 6 months now she just hit 13lbs exactly, and it's taken her 2 months to put on just a single pound, she was 12 pounds at her 4 months.
Personally, I wouldn't push. Although she's a first time mom, I wouldn't use that as a reason to say anything. lots of babies are just tiny, and she could already be discussing any issues baby might have with her pediatrician and came up with a plan to tackle the issues. Maybe find a subtle way to say something if your truly concerned, but just from weight alone I don't see any concern.

celainev · May 2016

That seems normal to me. I think you're overreacting. I flip shit when someone tries to tell me I'm not feedin my baby enough/feeding him too much.

kdoak2015 · May 2016

LaceyH13 said:

Does the baby see a pediatrician regularly? What are your qualifications to override what a pediatrician says? Is there some sort of medical condition the baby is dealing with that perhaps you don't know about? These are genuine questions.

For once I actually agree with @LaceyH13. Coming from a mom who after my baby was a month old was told by someone very close to me that they were worried my baby wasn't going to make it in the beginning because she seemed non responsive(MY DOCs had 0 concern) ripped me to pieces and also outraged me that someone would think that even as a new mom I didn't know if my baby was ok or not. My DD was born 7,2oz and was 9, 15oz at her 2 month apt.
This is not your concern and shame on you for even thinking this mom doesn't know what's best for her own child.

LaceyH13 · June 2016

kdoak2015 said:

LaceyH13 said:

Does the baby see a pediatrician regularly? What are your qualifications to override what a pediatrician says? Is there some sort of medical condition the baby is dealing with that perhaps you don't know about? These are genuine questions.

For once I actually agree with @LaceyH13. Coming from a mom who after my baby was a month old was told by someone very close to me that they were worried my baby wasn't going to make it in the beginning because she seemed non responsive(MY DOCs had 0 concern) ripped me to pieces and also outraged me that someone would think that even as a new mom I didn't know if my baby was ok or not. My DD was born 7,2oz and was 9, 15oz at her 2 month apt.
This is not your concern and shame on you for even thinking this mom doesn't know what's best for her own child.

Saaaaaay what?

taysun · June 2016

I think it's 100% not your place to say anything. Babies see their doctors so many times in the first year and I'm sorry if you have such little faith in her pediatrician but I'm pretty sure if it was a problem it would have been or has been noticed. It's not like she's required to divulge every detail to you.
My DD had jaundice and was pretty lethargic for the first month. We were actively communicating with her doctor and on top of it but I would have been absolutely destroyed if someone came to me the way you want to go to your friend.

ctmamaoftwo · June 2016

Lurking from January. My babe has horrible reflux and weighed 7lbs 12oz when he was born. based on my low Milk supply and the reflux it took him 6 weeks to get back to his birth weight. I was already a nervous wreck about his slow gain (even though his pediatrician had no concerns) it would have destroyed me even more if anyone made any further comments! as long as you know she is seeinf her pediatrician regularly I would highly discourage you to say anything.

LaceyH13 · June 2016

I feel like it is highly unlikely that OP will come back since she hasn't responded at all, but I feel like it is important to point out that just because you are a STM doesn't mean you know more about this baby than a FTM. I'm sure you wouldn't think a mom with five kids knows more about your children just because she has more than you. It's dangerous to insinuate that someone isn't doing a good job of parenting.

Yes, kdoak and I have had strong disagreements here, but I think the one thing we both could agree on is that neither of us knows what is best for the other's child. I respect wholeheartedly that my opinion means diddlysquat to her parenting, and just because we do things differently doesn't mean one of us is parenting "better." You may think you know the whole story but most of the time you definitely don't.

celainev · June 2016

I was driving home and thought about this post, and it made me angry all over again. My babe lost just over 10% or his birth weight, he was very jaundice and we were threatened with hospital stays time and time again. He finally hit his birth weight 5 weeks later and then he sky rocketed. He went from 6 lbs to 15 lbs in 3 months. Made me feel like shit, first cuz I felt he was not getting enough, then he was gaining too fast. When I said I would flip shit, I mean I probably would have cried FOR DAYS if someone who claimed to be "more experienced" with my child told me I was starving or over feeding him.

OP, I doubt you'll respond, but please take this to heart - you are not this child's Doctor. It is absolutely NOT your responsibility or your place to say anything to this mom, who probably is worried more than you.

kdoak2015 · June 2016

LaceyH13 said:

I feel like it is highly unlikely that OP will come back since she hasn't responded at all, but I feel like it is important to point out that just because you are a STM doesn't mean you know more about this baby than a FTM. I'm sure you wouldn't think a mom with five kids knows more about your children just because she has more than you. It's dangerous to insinuate that someone isn't doing a good job of parenting.

Yes, kdoak and I have had strong disagreements here, but I think the one thing we both could agree on is that neither of us knows what is best for the other's child. I respect wholeheartedly that my opinion means diddlysquat to her parenting, and just because we do things differently doesn't mean one of us is parenting "better." You may think you know the whole story but most of the time you definitely don't.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Seleyna · June 2016

Ladies, I thank you all for your responses, and no, it's not something that I would straight say to her face unless she asked for advice.

I probably should have posed it as a "would you...?" question. I am not 100% sure of her pediatrician's advice, not would I go against it. I never said that I knew better than she did. I never had babies who dealt with reflux the way hers does, so I'm unaware of the way he should be putting on weight.

I had not said anything to her, and don't plan to unless she seems worried herself. She already had an extremely rough pregnancy and delivery, and her husband isn't the greatest help-- her words, not mine!-- so I have been concerned.

When I posted that, it was a worry that came immediately after dropping her off from our day at the zoo. So I really didn't give any forethought to the responses it might have illicted from everyone here.

But I do agree, it isn't my place.

Mizuiro007 · June 2016

I will just say, having one baby with health issues and another with reflux, that weight gain is fantastic. Any is fantastic even if it seems slow. We were told if there's fat, any fat at all, they're healthy and will just follow at their own pace. FWIW, neither of mine were back to birth weight by 8 weeks and #2 was eating 30+ Oz daily. The lethargic could have also been an acute thing, like a growth spurt. There's also no reason you can't show normal interest in checkups and that may answer a lot of your concerns without ever mentioning them to your friend.

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