What do you say when acquaintances ask you about having kids?

chloe97 · May 2016

We are not even 2 weeks passed my D&C and once again an acquaintance- the wife of DH's buddy- asked if we would be having kids. We are in our late 30s and I can't believe that this woman doesn't know people who've struggled. I can't believe the insensitivity. How does this keep happening in casual small talk when I'm obvious not going divulge our painful miscarriages?

I was able to dismiss it with a trite response, but DH got upset and got tears in his eyes as he told her it hasn't been easy for us. He made it clear to her that the question was very painful for us and for that I am grateful.

Im curious how the rest of you handle these situations?

amberruka · May 2016

That's hard....at least she said "if" and not "when" (although that must have really stung and never really should have been asked in the first place, I would have had even more of an issue if she'd said the latter). We don't get it very much, but I'm dreading when I go visit my great-Aunt in Massachussetts in a few weeks as I know it's going to come up....like it's so *easy* to just get pregnant. Luckily, her older daughter had a few MC's and had their one and only when she was 37-ish and I can at least give an example. Maybe a, "I'm only gonna say this once" type of thing.

BrightenMySky · May 2016

I just got the "no kids yet?" question a few nights ago. We were at a work thing for me and it was a client's wife who asked. I just said "nope" and moved on...she talked about her grandchildren. Not worth it in that situation, just said what I needed to say to keep it together. If I didn't experience IF issues, I would have a one-year old by now! If I didn't have a loss, I would be visibly pregnant by now!

I think it really varies situation to situation, person to person. The right response is whatever feels comfortable for you in that moment. It's not our responsibility to educate people about why this question is insensitive, so it's totally what feels right to you.

Hopefulmommy1980 · May 2016

It is a really hard question to ask. I had my mc the end of March and it still feels like a punch in the stomach. I usually just smile and say we are working on it. They I usually find a reason to walk away. I get asked a lot at work, so luckily I have lots of reasons to end the conversation.

BornReady · May 2016

---TW child mentioned----

I'm always pretty surprised by people's boldness in asking questions like this. Maybe they are just clueless? I am TTC #2 and get the question about "a sibling". I usually say something like, "well, we'd love that, but it hasn't been that easy for us". That usually stops people from wanting to know more and makes them a little afraid to keep pursuing the conversation.

In one of my more raw moments I told some stranger about my miscarriage at my friend's birthday party.

dubcompanion · May 2016

Pre-loss and post-loss, my answer has been, "It'll happen when it happens." I've found it to be the perfect way to shut people up, regardless of whether the truth is painful or not.

Sugargirl1019 · May 2016

When people ask "do you have any kids?" I usually just respond "not yet". It generally shows that yes we want kids and usually they don't press for "when??" To which I respond we are trying.

AL_TwinCities · May 2016

When asked when we'll have kids, I usually say "at some point". I definitely have told people about our losses and IF too, but I typically save that for friends or acquaintances who I think will be supportive.

cfreesquared · May 2016

I had an old lady at my job fuss at my co worker (who's infertile) and I (I've had 2 ectopics) because we were pregnant and having babies. She said she wanted to baby sit. I just smiled and told her she'd be the first to know. It's so hard to smile and play along when your heart is hurting but most of the time, people just don't know any better.

It it would be so wonderful if people wouldn't ask.

BornReady · May 2016

A friend posted this article on Facebook last night called "Mind your own Womb". Made me think of this thread.

There is a photo of a pregnant woman and pregnancies / loss mentioned as a heads up.

https://nadirahangail.com/2016/05/25/mind-your-own-womb/

roxgibbons · May 2016

TW- children mentioned

I have two children from my previous marriage who spend half the week with me and half the week at their father's house. DH does not have any children. When we go to functions or family get together, we hear a lot of when are you two going to have a baby, or you two should at least have one together. People really like to impose their opinions on us. Last year at the height of my infertility struggles as it was becoming apparent we needed to see an RE, I hosted a bridal shower for my SIL, and I got a lot of nosey questions and even one woman who had met DH previously said to me, "you need to give that man a baby!" I didn't even know what to say. I just smiled and walked away. It's like sure lady, I'll just reach into my magic treasure chest and pull out a baby. I just wish people would shut the hell up and mind their own business.

Wishilivedinflorida · May 2016

It depends on who says this to me. Lately at work, there have been a couple people who have asked when I was having kids/was I pregnant. When I was polite and said "no" or "not yet" and they kept pressing, I said to them, "You should really never ask people about this. You never know what they've been through." It shuts them up and let's them know there may be troubles, but not in a specific way. It's my go-to response now. And I do not care if it makes things awkward if I save another lady from annoying and rude questioning.

chloe97 · May 2016

Thanks guys. Last night at the 2nd wedding we went to this weekend, both sets of parents said during their toasts "We want grandchildren! Get to work." The couple laughed and thought it was hilarious, but many couples around the room grimaced. That Mind Your Own Womb post is great and everything people need to know.

BrightenMySky · May 2016

@roxgibbons "you need to give that man a baby"?! Wow. I hate how IF and loss are so often put entirely on the woman with these sorts of comments. I don't need it to be DH's "fault," I just want it not to be mine (or anyone's!).

thatlauragirl · May 2016

TW - child mentioned.

We have a 5 year old and continually have to hear "When are you going to give that poor boy a little brother or sister?" I used to smile politely and just take it but not anymore. Now I always say "Well, he has 4 but unfortunately they're in heaven now and not here with us." Awkward silence, but at least it shuts them up. If they don't worry about my feelings, why should I care about theirs?

chloe97 · May 2016

Wow @thatlauragirl that is the way to handle that! I admire your guts!

roxgibbons · May 2016

@BrightenMySky I know, it's like people forget it takes two to make a baby. I like @lauragirl's approach. I think I may do that next time someone inquires about my womb.

What do you say when acquaintances ask you about having kids?

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