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Babies on the Brain
jdoyle
member
Options
Preparing for a baby vs preparing for motherhood
jdoyle
member
I've noticed we always focus on preparing for a baby. We think about their room, reading books on parenting, saving enough money, getting the right car seat, taking a birthing class, learning about nutrition and child development.
But what about focusing on preparing for our new identity as a mother?
If we were getting a complete new job role we wouldn't just solely focus on the client/customer (the baby), we would be working on how to get ourselves ready to be the new CEO/president (mom).
I'd love to see more forums and discussions focused around topics like these:
strengthening your relationship with your partner, so you can show your kids what love islearning to ask for help, so you won't wake up resentful and bitterfinding your true-self, so you can be happylistening to your intuition, so you can do what is best for your familycreating your vision of motherhood, so it will be FUNself-forgiveness, so you can be free of guiltfinding your happiness, so you can show your kids how to find there'sknowing how to take care of yourself, so you can be your best selffollowing your bliss, so life is joyful and meaningfulloving yourself, so you can show your kids how to love themselves accepting your body, so your daughter will love hersfeeling full, loved, and whole, so your kids will feel the samere-parenting yourself, so you won't make your kids do it
What do you think? Are you preparing for motherhood or just a baby?
But what about focusing on preparing for our new identity as a mother?
If we were getting a complete new job role we wouldn't just solely focus on the client/customer (the baby), we would be working on how to get ourselves ready to be the new CEO/president (mom).
I'd love to see more forums and discussions focused around topics like these:
strengthening your relationship with your partner, so you can show your kids what love islearning to ask for help, so you won't wake up resentful and bitterfinding your true-self, so you can be happylistening to your intuition, so you can do what is best for your familycreating your vision of motherhood, so it will be FUNself-forgiveness, so you can be free of guiltfinding your happiness, so you can show your kids how to find there'sknowing how to take care of yourself, so you can be your best selffollowing your bliss, so life is joyful and meaningfulloving yourself, so you can show your kids how to love themselves accepting your body, so your daughter will love hersfeeling full, loved, and whole, so your kids will feel the samere-parenting yourself, so you won't make your kids do it
What do you think? Are you preparing for motherhood or just a baby?
Re: Preparing for a baby vs preparing for motherhood
Honestly, nothing can prepare you for motherhood but being a mother. I babysat for the majority of my life before my DSS, and it's not even close. Even having family members' kids over for a night or two (or longer) is not close. You care for them, and you love them, but it's on a completely different level when it's your own child. You can take a break from babysitting, but you can't take a break from being a mother or motherhood, even when they're not with you. When DSS goes to his bio-mother's house, I spend the weekend worrying that he's okay and fed and washed and clothed and that she's taking care of him like she should. When he's spent the night at my parents' house when the weather was too bad to make it there to pick him up, I worried that he was okay and warm and slept good and wasn't scared. When he spends the night at my FIL's house, I worry that he's okay and sleeping and not eating too much sugar or being a wild-man.
There's nothing more rewarding, but there's also nothing nearly as stressful and worrying.
Just, for the two bolded points, though:
I don't think "learning to ask for help" is really the problem if a parent is waking up bitter and resentful that they're doing all the work and their SO isn't (assuming that's what you're going for here). I can tell you from experience - it takes more than asking for help to get the point across. I can ask my H a million times to do something, but until I sit him down and tell him what I need his help with and why and how it will help the both of us in the end, then he won't get why it's important and why it will eventually aggravate me. I have no problem asking for help, and for some people maybe just asking will work; but I don't think learning to ask for help will keep things from getting resentful.
Learning how to communicate with your partner and in effective and constructive way will help keep things from getting resentful. "I know you're not in love with doing dishes, but you do such a better job than I do, and you're so much more efficient than I am. I feel like it would take a lot of stress off my shoulders if they could be your chore for the night/week/forever." goes a lot further than "I'm so stressed and I can't handle the house work by myself, and you sit and watch TV while I'm doing all the work and I'm beginning to get aggravated that you're not helping. Can you help me do the dishes?" does, generally speaking.
And I just don't understand the second bolded point, "learning to re-parent yourself". Can you explain that? I don't get what you're aiming for on that one...
Me: 30 | DH: 34 | DSS: 14 | DS: 4
PG #2, EDD 10/12/2023
You don't really need a "new" identity as a mother. It's a new role for sure, but every mother is unique, and her parenting style is going to reflect that. Some women just "know" what's best for their family. Others (like myself) will spend weeks researching every single option before coming to a conclusion that is most likely to work, and then adapting if it doesn't. Trying to make yourself into a new person so that you can become an idealized version is not going to be beneficial for anyone. Sure, you can strengthen habits, but eventually you will either slip back into your natural personality, or you will become bitter and resentful that you "had to" change for your child. If you want to improve yourself, definitely go for it, but do it for you, and do it at a pace you can keep up. Real change doesn't happen overnight.
There's really not a lot you can do to fully prepare for becoming a first-time mom other than the type of things you mentioned in your first paragraph. Because every mother and child is each an individual, the transition is going to be different for everyone. It's like preparing for a test when you don't know what subject it's on. You can research as much as you can and make sure you have the basic tools, but there's always going to be some kind of challenge you never expected.
Don't stress about being the "perfect" mother. There is no such thing. Some of the goals you mentioned in your final paragraph are life-long journeys for most people. Things like finding your "true" self, self-forgiveness, loving yourself, accepting your body, finding and following your bliss - all of these are the kinds of things that (for many people) require years or even decades of therapy. What's more important than setting this example of a perfect person is, in my opinion, teaching your children that it's okay to have flaws, and letting them know that there are ways to overcome them with hard work IF that's what they want.
One final note - no matter how well you take care of your and your child's physical, mental, and emotional needs, motherhood is not always going to be fun. I don't think there's a mother on Earth that would tell you otherwise. It's hard work, and often stressful. Is it rewarding and worth it? Absolutely. Still, there are going to be some moments you're not going to cherish. You might have tantrums that just push you to your limit. You may have a terrible sleeper and be awake for three days in a row, and just break down.
TL;DR:
Improving yourself is always good, but you don't need to become a perfect person to have kids.
TTGP July Siggy Challenge: Summer Fails
I 100% agree with you that it isn't about being perfect and all of those things take a lifetime (if you are lucky) to master. Just some interesting things to think about connected to motherhood. Children can definitely trigger our insecurities, fears, worries, etc.
Of course nothing prepares you for things like marriage, kids, etc. But it's an interesting way to look at the topic and so many people have great input.
I guess I did mean "asking for help" as a more specific action under "learning to communicate." Some of us ask for help too much. ha. Like you said it depends on the person. And those are great examples of communicating. I see you have experience
Re-parenting yourself is a therapyish kind of word. It's taking what you didn't get in childhood and giving it to yourself. Say you didn't get acceptance or encouragement and all your life you've looked to others to give it you. It's basically healing your inner childhood wounds. An easy example is people who didn't grow up with much money, so they think that is the one thing that will make their children happy. There are lots of books and blogs on the topic.
Just have to be yourself and show up the best way you can day after day.
I think self acceptance is a great one to add to that list. And like you said such a great example to show kids.
And love the point about making the changes for you. Not so you can be a perfect mom and have perfect kids.
I love this conversation. So many angles and so many opinions.
Like you pointed out, you can prepare for baby, but from what I've experienced, there is nothing at all you can do to emotionally or mentally prepare yourself for becoming a mother. NOTHING. I couldn't with my first child and couldn't with my second. I couldn't prepare for how my life would change or what I would think and feel. It's the craziest life change you could ever imagine but there's not a damn thing you can do to prepare for it! You go into something this huge completely blind and that can be scary. Will you "lose yourself"? Will you love baby right away? Will you stop hanging out with your friends? Will you love your kid so much you can't breathe? It's all scary but all so awesome too.
If you enjoy discussing it and getting input I think that's great. The more info, the better! I enjoy all discussions regarding kids and parenting!