Not baby related - Hitting that age when ppl start getting divorced

strickland8052 · May 2016

This isn't baby related, but I just need some perspectives, so why not here? In the past week, two of my Facebook "friends" around my age have gotten divorced. Both are people I don't really talk to on the regular, so I have no clue what happened. BUT, both couples are the last I would ever expected to get a divorce. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but it has really freaked me out. It makes me worry about DH and I, and I guess it's just startling to see everyone getting married and having babies then BAM! Divorce hits your age group. I don't know why I'm as upset about this as I am... It isn't like I really even know these people. It just scares me!!! Have you guys dealt with this? Maybe this belongs in why my pregnant self is crying?

krzyriver · May 2016

I've noticed quite a few people divorcing lately too. It's funny because people say they are couples they "never would have expected this from." But the truth is, you never really know what's going on in someone else's marriage. Sometimes seemingly happy couples are just nonconfrontational.

My hubby and I aren't like that...we go balls to the wall with our fights sometimes. We've definitely had problems, but we also work very hard at our relationship. We don't brush off anything, no matter how little. If it bothers one of us, we sit down and talk it out.

I'm not saying I'm some marriage expert. I've only been married two years. But I've noticed a lot of couples around me don't have that kind of relationship. They keep things to themselves so they don't cause a fight or they fight but never actually listen to each other or resolve anything.

I'm not saying that it's ok that my husband and I fight, but no matter how angry we are we never don't say I love you or kiss each other. We never put something to rest until it's resolved. So we keep learning and growing and someday maybe we won't fight as much too. Many people have commented on how they admire the work we put into our relationship.

So if you're putting the work in, if your husband is willing to work with you and meet you half way, there shouldn't ever be a bump you can't get over together. I know life's not perfect and sometimes there are things you just can't get past, but if you guys always fight for each other and what you have together, you have nothing to worry about.

ibabyloveb87 · May 2016

@krzyriver Preach.

I have had a couple friends get divorced but so far, they've all been for very obvious reasons and nobody really was surprised. It's still sad though and I hope they can find a better match and have learned about what they want in a partner and something about themselves.

We fight and don't just let the problem sit and never talk about it again. We have some friends also who fight and just never seem to resolve their same old problems. I guess everyone handles things differently.

booksandicecream · May 2016

Definitely a thing and definitely freaks me out, too. Especially when DH and I argue about how we'll raise our child.
Although I think there's a pattern. Most of my friends who are divorced either got married very young or they belong to the more conservative crowd who didn't live together prior to marriage. For example, I attended a bridal shower for a friend and she had to answer some trivia questions about her fiance. One question was what is his favorite cereal. Her answer: I don't know, we've never had breakfast together. She got KU with twins right after the wedding, then a year later they were separated. They are both youth pastors and everyone was "so shocked". Everyone except me. They didn't even know each other and then a few months after officially being together they had the stress of twins. Of COURSE they got divorced.
If you really knew your partner prior to marriage and you've already experienced fighting and stressful situations together and got through them then you are probably ok

strickland8052 · May 2016

@books&icecream - yeah, that was my theory too, but these divorces really through that off. Both couples dated a few years before marriage, got married after 25, are well educated, and have parents who are not divorced. I know none of that really matters, but statistically speaking...it does. One couple is pretty religious, so I was surprised by that because I thought they would just stay together no matter how bad it was. The other couple was kind of the opposite end of the spectrum - not religous and pretty liberal.. They reminded me of me and DH a lot based on the things they liked about each other (she has a blog and is a very talented writer so I felt likely knew them). She was brutally honest about their lives and explained that they just become two dif people. They were a perfect match for 7 years and now they aren't, mainly because she changed a lot due to deaths in her family. Makes total sense so I guess that is what scares me. DH and I are going through so much - pregnant after loss and terminally ill MIL. I guess I really relate to the changing into a dif person thing and hope it doesn't happen to us with all we are facing! He is away for business right now, but when he gets back I'm going to talk to him about my new found fear.

blaf322 · May 2016

Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't worry me. My bestie and her DH have debates about which luxury SUV they're going to buy. I assure you that won't be a problem for DH and I anytime soon, and I look at other peoples' divorces the same. Their problems are not mine so I'm not comparing my marriage to theirs

mrszoess · May 2016

for a split second I get nervous when I hear about divorces but then I realize that my husband and I only argue over trivial shit at home. like dishes or whatever.

we have gotten through having our entire house destroyed in hurricane sandy, then being Americas most famous house from the storm, then being basically homeless bc of it, rebuilding our lives, having 2 mc, being broke, etc.

if we can make it through that...we are good

depineta · May 2016

As someone who has been through a divorce, I think I have something to contribute here. My first husband was my college boyfriend and we kind of got married because we thought it was the logical next step. It lasted less than three years and ended because he cheated on me with someone much younger. That being said,the cheating was just a symptom and the day he told me he wanted a divorce was an incredibly happy one. We were completely wrong for each other and just hadn't been able to let go until then. We are both happily remarried.

So my advice is: happy/functioning couples who are working to stay together don't get divorced. I wouldn't worry about this until you start fantasizing about what life would be like without the other person in it.

LauraPCOS · May 2016

It scares me too cause when hubby and I fight, oh the poor animals come in crying because they want it to be quiet again. Our fights don't usually last long, and it often resolves in us taking some time apart (ie me going for a drive or hubby going to the garage), but once we cool down we're good to go. Most times someone is just tired or cranky and the other goes on the defensive and it's the little quirks we fight about that any other day are tolerable. Once in awhile it's about the big topics, like money, but we make it work.

Blonde1817 · May 2016

I don't have friends who are getting divorced, but last year and this year I've had two cousins divorce their spouses after almost 10 and 20 years of seemingly great marriages. Of course, you don't really know what goes on inside a relationship, but I'm still at a loss as to why they got divorced. It does feel scary when it happens to a couple you would never expect. But people do change after all that time and want different things. I just hope that never happens to us!

emmaaa · May 2016

I'm 25 so I still have a lot of people/friends my age getting married. However, there are multiple people i know that have been dating someone, married, divorced, and remarried in the time DH and I have been together. It's crazy to think of everyone else's situations and how theoretically, that could happen to you.

Similar to PPs, DH and I don't hold anything in. We fight pretty loudly which we have been working on with the baby coming. But the funny thing is, it's never over anything serious. It's always about him not mowing the lawn or doing the dishes or me not telling him about plans because I assume he knows. But I think it's healthy to just get everything out there and not hold it in.

mothernorth · May 2016

I have noticed divorce patterns myself. Not recently, but during the time of my own divorce in 2012, it seemed like it there was a cluster of them going on. I can not pin an age on it, I was 22 and he was 31, or reasons for anybody else's, but I can say mine was from 1) Our age gap, no matter how badly I wanted to deny that at the time, we were just way too different, at different maturity levels, and have experienced our lives too differently and 2) COMMUNICATION FAILS. I can not stress the importance of open, honest communication enough. Being nonconfrontrational and passive agressive will never ever work for long. At least not happily. And what is really the point of an unhappy marriage? It damages people and the children involved.
I think we notice things like this more when we are pregnant because our subconscious is constantly questioning our stability within our lives. There are so many changes taking place, so many unknowns, sometimes it's hard to not dwell on the worst case scenario.
All I really have to say is more or less echo what has already been said, relationships take work, and communication, no matter what age to overcome barriers and obstacles.
I notice with very VERY young couples, they can be influenced by divorces around them, like a bandwagon effect "everybody else is doing it" kind of thing, but not so much passed the early early and mid 20s.
A little effort and understanding can more often than not conquer the phase when people are coming into a new self in the 30s, and any crisis that may follow thereafter. It just takes work, and both partners have to want it to work.

sjo_thetwins · May 2016

AllyTheKid said:
I think we notice things like this more when we are pregnant because our subconscious is constantly questioning our stability within our lives. There are so many changes taking place, so many unknowns, sometimes it's hard to not dwell on the worst case scenario.

True that, sista.

mothernorth · May 2016

Gospel Trufe.

kelliott09 · May 2016

depineta said:

As someone who has been through a divorce, I think I have something to contribute here. My first husband was my college boyfriend and we kind of got married because we thought it was the logical next step. It lasted less than three years and ended because he cheated on me with someone much younger. That being said,the cheating was just a symptom and the day he told me he wanted a divorce was an incredibly happy one. We were completely wrong for each other and just hadn't been able to let go until then. We are both happily remarried.

So my advice is: happy/functioning couples who are working to stay together don't get divorced. I wouldn't worry about this until you start fantasizing about what life would be like without the other person in it.

I can relate SO much to this. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons. I was crushed when I found out he had been cheating for a quite a while but then I felt a huge relief. I never realized how miserable my marriage was until I found myself in a healthy, happy relationship. And I definitely thought all the time about what would happen if we split up, if we had never gotten married, if we would still be together if we didn't have a child together. I've never had those kinds of thoughts in my current relationship and we've been together over 7 years. If you don't find yourself daydreaming of leaving, you're probably ok.

CKleinfieldt · May 2016

For myself, hubs and I are the age where everyone is just starting to get married.

We've been married 5 years and are expecting our third child.

It's so strange to me, I feel genuinely disconnected from people my age.

I don't know how I'll feel once people I know start divorcing. I don't foresee it for DH and I, as our relationship is very strong! But it is a scary thought!

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Not baby related - Hitting that age when ppl start getting divorced

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