TTC After a Loss

^*TTCAL TWO WEEK WAIT THREAD*^

13

Re: ^*TTCAL TWO WEEK WAIT THREAD*^

  • @SoonToBeMommaHowe I'm not much of a runner either, but I'm starting couch to 5k again today.  I did it last summer and ran a 5k, then got out of the habit, then started again, then my husband got sick and I didn't have time, so I'm hoping to be able to stick to it this time so I can be one of those cute pregnant runners I see out and about...we'll see how that plan works.
  • @mandi135 would you recommend couch to 5K?? Maybe I'll give it a shot! Turned my two mile walk into a 3.5 miler bc I felt a little extra motivated :)
    DH - 34, Me - 32
    Married 7/13
    TTC #1 since 10/13
    BFP 2/4/15, MC twin boys at 18w3d 5/15
    IUI #1 2/25/16

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  • Way to go @SoonToBeMommaHowe !  I really like it because I need structure and without it I push too hard and burn out right away.  I have the app on my phone so I just follow instructions when the voice tells me to walk or run and it works well with the Pandora app.  It also lets you repeat weeks if you need to so you don't have to worry if it doesn't feel right to you yet.
  • @mandi135 How is your husband's recovery going?
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

  • He's doing so much better, thanks for asking!  His leg is healing slowly but consistently.  He still isn't very mobile, but he is able to be back at work full-time, at least. I'm so glad he's healing - that was scary.
  • I had a rough night and should probably still be sleeping but when H left for work I grabbed my phone to check here immediately  :p I'm sorry you're not feeling as hopeful but I know we all have our hope cranked for you @reneeannemm !!! I wish blue dye tests weren't such a pain in the butt! 

    Sorry to the other BFNs :( 


  • @reneeannemm I guess you responded the same time I was posting this morning as I never saw your BFN post. I'm so sorry and hope you get some answers from your doctor quickly. T&Ps 
    DH - 34, Me - 32
    Married 7/13
    TTC #1 since 10/13
    BFP 2/4/15, MC twin boys at 18w3d 5/15
    IUI #1 2/25/16

  • @reneeannmm, I wasn reading through this thread and was so hopeful for you. I am so sorry about the BFN.

    I am on 1DPO now. I am hoping the wait passess quickly b/c the next 2 weeks are super busy for me.

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
  • @reneeannemm I'm sorry about the BFN. I've always wondered if the blue dye tests were really that bad and I guess they are. I'm so bummed for you. 
  • This cycle is really putting me through the emotional ringer. I think I'm falling into depression. I've struggled in the past, but I generally fall more into the severe anxiety category. I just submitted my info to the pregnancy and infant loss network for my province. I thought I'd wait until I was pregnant again to seek out a physical support group/counselling, but I feel like I'm f-cking drowning and there's nothing left to grab onto. I'm so sick of living two weeks at a time, in constant terror of what the next stage holds.
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

  • @reneeannmm, I am so glad you reached out and are seeking resources. Sending love.

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
  • @reneeannemm please take care of your mental health just as much as physical. It's so great you are realizing when you are struggling and be proactive about it 
  • My heart breaks for you @reneeannemm I know how hard this cycle and this past week have been for you in particular and I hope you can give yourself compassion for all that you're going through; not to mention the cruelty of our change in hormones in this final week of our cycles that can truly and incredibly intensify our emotions. I'm glad you are seeking out support and try to be as kind as possible to yourself in the meantime. I wish I could give you a big hug <3
  • @reneeannemm i'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I'm glad you realize you need more support and have reached out for help. Big hugs 
    TW*** Child and loss mentioned
    Married 10/12
    DS 11/14
    Ectopic 2/16
    PCOS/Ovulation Dysfunction 11/16
    IUI x 3- BFN
    Laparoscopy 3/17 Endo and tubal damage
    IVF- 4/17- 40 eggs retrieved, 10 blasts, 7 pgs tested embryos
    FET- 6/17- BFP!
    Due Feb 15, 2017
  • Dear @reneeannemm I am so sorry that you are going through this... Uncertainty is the worst.
    I wanted to ask: what is the difference between pink and blue dye you guys were talking about? I've taken both not knowing if there is a sensitivity or accuracy difference.

    thanks
    Y-
    Married 06.21.14 / TTC since 11.15 /
    BFP 01.03.2016 / MMC 6w5d D&C 02.2016 // BFP 05.06.16 / natural MC 05.12.16
    Benched 06.2016-08.2016 / TTC again 09.2016! On a diet. Cranky.
    BFP 10.02.2016 / NT scan at 12w looked normal / Anatomy scan at 20w everything ok
    Team blue! / EDD June 11th 2017
    DAVID ROGER was born on May 23rd at 37 weeks.

    Architect, Peruvian living in Chile. I love art, opera and good chocolate.
    Started PhD studies in Architecture on 2017.
    Fur mom of a rescued miniature poodle called Luke Skywalker.


    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • @yolandamunoz The blue dye tests have some kind of weird, cruel run in their colour than can look like a second line. I used two brands and got the same thing on all of them, but I am most definitely not pregnant. So, it looks like a blue line, but it's actually more shadowy or just half a line or a number of other things that cause great confusion in an area you'd really rather not be confused about.

    Thank you, everyone. I've definitely learned the warning signs of a bad patch over the years. It doesn't always come, but it's better now than if I get swallowed up. I didn't mean to come back and demand so much attention.
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

  • I don't think any of us feel you are "demanding attention", sweetie. This is exactly what these boards are for, imo @reneeannemm
  • @reneeannemm It is not demanding at all! We appreciate the updates and would rather have you reach out to us than us not knowing how to help. You are a big reason why this board is so welcoming, and we're only too happy to give back in kind. <3
  • Spartanrd4Spartanrd4 member
    edited May 2016
    We ❤ you @reneeannemm and you are there for everyone on this board and of course we are there for you any time you need us!
  • @reneeannemm  - sharing what you're going through is not demanding, it's what we're all here for. Keep looking until you find a doctor who takes your concerns seriously and is willing to help you find answers (or at the very least, rule some things out). I promise they're out there! 
    “Be present in all things and thankful for all things.”  ~Maya Angelou

    ~~~~ TW ~~~~~~

    Me: 40    DH: 39
    Married 12.19.13
    BFP #1 1/14, MC 2/14 (6wks)
    BFP #2 1/15, MMC/D&C 3/15 (12wks)
    BFP #3 6/15, MC 8/15 (9wks)
    BFP #4 4/16, MC 4/16 (5wks)
    BFP #5 7/16, MMC 8/16 (10 wks)
    BFP #6 3/4 , EDD 11/9/17
  • @reneeannemm - I'm sorry you're struggling - if you need to vent or chat I'm here to listen either on the boards or via email. You are a huge support to all of the women here, and me in particular. If there is anything I can do to help you let me know.
    ---TW BFP and MC mentioned - scroll down past the Lilo and Stitch gif to avoid ---




    Me: 33 & DH: 33
    Married: 07/2006
    TTC: 10/2015
    BFP #1: 11/2015, MC 12/2015 (7 weeks)
    BFP #2: 06/2016, EDD 2/15/2017



    Pregnancy Ticker






  • I'm sorry this has all been so hard @reneeannemm. We are all here to listen, just like you listen to us. Vent all you need and never feel like you are attention seeking, we're all on the same crazy ride, everyone gets their turn.

    As for your fibroid/testing idea... I am a big believer in intuition. I am a super anxious person myself and am constantly trying to decipher whether the things I fixate on are a product of my catastrophic anxiety or some gut instinct I'm not listening to. If you feel like something is up I think you are justified in finding someone who will listen to your concerns. Do you know the location/size of your fibroid?


  • Wow...I just came back to this board from WTO and it looks like I have missed a lot! @reneeannemm I'm glad your back but so sorry about the bfn roller coaster. I'm glad that you are reaching out for help. 

    Has as anyone else here sought the help of a grievance counselor? I thought that I was really turning a corner with the grief from my loss - but now with my cat slowly dying it's been really hard. I'm having a lot of anxiety and I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that I will have to make the choice to put her to sleep soon. I'm just wondering if anyone has been and what their experience was. I'm just concerned that it's not really going to help because no one can make my grief go away, and I will still have to deal with everything that's going on. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • edited May 2016
    Nothing but love from me to all of you.

    edit: @BornReady The second last internal ultrasound said 5 cm, but the last one a couple weeks later didn't bother to measure. My doctor, who I love, said it was not going to be anything to worry about. I think as we approach one year in September, I will ask her more questions. I'm sending DH for a sperm analysis, if they'll do it before a year is up because it's an easy test. He smoked an unbelievable amount of pot in his early twenties, sometimes I worry. We do live in Canada and what is available when varies wildly from province to province, but is excellent in Ontario, with even the first round of IVF covered by the government.

    @MooFish2364 I haven't seen a grief counsellor, though I really should have in 2012. I was alone in a new city where I didn't speak the language -- I didn't have the wherewithal to even think of helping myself in that way. I did see a counsellor in my early twenties to help with the loss of my family and it was incredibly helpful. I'm sorry about your kitty; my heart goes out to you.
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

  • @MooFish2364 I have not been to grief counseling specifically , but I am a therapist who has had extensive therapy myself  and took a year long intensive on grief counseling in the past. I think the most important thing I've learned about grief is that it is "cumulative". Meaning that you are not just grieving one loss, but you are also experiencing the emotions that have come with past losses as well. I think any time you can use therapy to have a place to process how hard life is, is beneficial. Good luck with what you decide and lots of love for your sick fur-baby.
  • Dear @reneeannemm we are here for you girl!!! We are all rooting for you as you root for us.
    i hope you can find another doctor's opinion on your fibroma and its influence in conceiving.

    I am also considering looking for another doctor to see my case and give me further advice about my 2 losses.

    hugs!
    -Y
    Married 06.21.14 / TTC since 11.15 /
    BFP 01.03.2016 / MMC 6w5d D&C 02.2016 // BFP 05.06.16 / natural MC 05.12.16
    Benched 06.2016-08.2016 / TTC again 09.2016! On a diet. Cranky.
    BFP 10.02.2016 / NT scan at 12w looked normal / Anatomy scan at 20w everything ok
    Team blue! / EDD June 11th 2017
    DAVID ROGER was born on May 23rd at 37 weeks.

    Architect, Peruvian living in Chile. I love art, opera and good chocolate.
    Started PhD studies in Architecture on 2017.
    Fur mom of a rescued miniature poodle called Luke Skywalker.


    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Hey ladies.  Relatively new to this board.  This is my 2nd cycle after loss (D&C after MMC at approx. 9 weeks) and my first TTCAL.  I'm on CD20 but haven't seen any sign of a temperature spike and not much CM either.  We "tried" on CDs 12 and 14 but then my husband went out of town.  So I don't think a February baby is in our future.  Still holding out a little hope, though.  
    Me: 1979 * Husband: 1976 * Little girl: 2010 * Little guy: 2013 * MMC: 2016 * Last baby: EDD 2/11/17!  
  • I started going to therapy with someone who specializes in infertility & loss.  It has really helped.  I made the appointment and then two days before the first meeting my dog was diagnosed with bone cancer, so I was really glad I had already made the commitment to try therapy.  @MooFish2364 sorry about your cat.  It really feels like being kicked when you're down, doesn't it?  I have found a lot of components of my dog's illness very triggering--that first weekend I felt like I was reliving my loss.  Therapy does not take away my grief, but I have found it helpful in that my therapist validates my feelings and we talk about ways that I can take better care of myself through it all.  I think a lot of people don't get how much pregnancy loss hurts or how much pet loss hurts (if they aren't animal people), so just having someone acknowledge that it's a lot and it sucks is helpful for me.  

    Anyway, figured I'd join in this thread as I just had an IUI yesterday.  It is my second cycle post-loss (it took a long time to get AF).  For some reason I feel good about it.  Not sure if that is just setting myself up for even more disappointment than I usually feel if it's another bfn.  

    @reneeannem sounds like you need some extra hugs.  And plenty of hugs all around, I look forward to getting to know you all here.  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • I have seen therapists for various reasons over the years as I've suffered a lot of grief and trauma in my life and what a PP said about grief being cumulative couldn't be more accurate! I think therapy is such a good thing for anyone but especially those who are struggling. I finally found an amazing counsellor who I'd been seeing for years (sometimes only once a month) and coincidentally she had to cancel our appointment that was on the day of my mc (I would have canceled anyways, of course, but she had no idea) and then a week later or so called to say she was moving. I was so crushed! I have a trauma counsellor that I was seeing for other reasons but she's also been unavailable aside from one session since my loss. It's been hard when you're used to that support and need it. I get to see her finally today again and I think I'm just going to be a mess.

    Sorry for the tangent; what I'm getting at is that therapy and counselling can be wonderful especially if you find the right fit. I've never had the opportunity to see an actual grief/loss counsellor specifically but believe even those who don't specialize in loss could very well still be beneficial.
  • I realized last night as I was dozing off that this cycle is/was my last hope for an EDD before I turn 37. I feel that 'clock ticking' feeling so acutely in recent months. I'm trying to push it out of my head.

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
  • @Mwoodside I understand the clock ticking feeling. I turn 38 in July and I'm dreading it. My upcoming birthday is definitely a trigger for me- Hopefully we can both get our BFP soon so the clock ticking pressure is off.

    @BornReady I like your cummulative grief explanation. I feel since this loss I have definitely experienced a lot of emotions and pains from the past come up for me. It's been rough, and defnitely some days are better than others.

    @moofish2364 I am sorry about your cat- seeing your pet suffer is terrible. Counseling will definitely help. Hugs to you.

    @renneannem I'm sorry this cycle has been rough. I just got 2 fibroids removed last month. Please feel free to reach out with any questions if you have any about the procedure.

    @16isourluckynumber- welcome and GL this cycle!!

    I am not technically in TWW but will be after tomorrow. I have my next IUI and triggered today at noon. So will be in the TWW crazies soon enough.
     ****TW: Pregnancy, loss and children mentioned****
    Me (39) DH (40) 
    From my first marriage DD: 03/04 CP:01/06 DS:12/06 
    DH- no kids
    ******************
    TTC: since 2/15, RE Consult 9/15
    IUI #1 10/15: Letrozole = BFN 
    IUI #2 11/15: Letrozole + trigger = BFN
    1/08/16: Surprise- BFP!!  2/16/16: MMC @10w 2days,  D&C: 2/17/16
    TTCAL: May 2016
    IUI #3 5/27/16: Letrozole+trigger=BFN
    IUI #4 06/24/16: 7.5mg Letrozole+trigger= BFN
    IUI#5 08/24/16 Menopur+trigger = BFN
    IUI #6 09/19/16 5 mg Letrozole +Menopur + Trigger= BFN
    **10/2016: No more medicated cycles, TTCAL on our own**
    12/03/16: BFP!! EDD: 08/12/17 It's a girl!! 
    Eleni was born on 8/14/17!!
  • The last time I went to funeral, the minister included something about cumulative grief and how any loss calls to mind our previous losses. I am not religious and do not believe in God, but I would listen to his sermons all day long. I suppose this part of why I feel like I'm being slowly crushed to death with grief. Also, birthdays, milestones and anniversaries call to mind bittersweet memories of our past selves and the hopes and dreams we used to carry around.

    @roxgibbons Thank you so much. FX for you this cycle.
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

  • First time to post in here. I'm CD16 today. I suck at keeping track, so don't know if I've ovulated yet, although I did have some pain/cramping on my right side yesterday that made me wonder. And today my boobs are absolutely killing me! Like hurts to have a towel against my nipples. Could that be from ovulation?  Ugh, I hate the 2WW, because I over analyze everything!
    Pregnancy Ticker

    M/C #2 - October 2016
    MMC #1 - April 2016

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers
  • Thank you to everyone for your comments and experiences with counseling (I'm mobile bumping or I would tag everyone). It really means a lot that you would take the time to answer my questions. 

    We we ended up putting our kitty to sleep last night. The vet had concerns because she wasn't eating and even though she seemed like she was fine, they were worried that she was in pain and just wasn't showing it. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do and it's turning out to be a hard day today. She would always get up and wait for me in the morning and follow me around. This was the first time in 15 years she wasn't there to greet me this morning. 

    Thank youu our to everyone who has expressed their concern and condolences. It really does mean a lot to me. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • It is CD17 today for me. I'm not temping or doing OPKs this month and only charting CM and O/TWW symptoms. I'm assuming I've either already O'ed or at the tail end of O. Let the TWW begin for me.... and it's a doozy already:

    TW - death mentioned

    Around midnight, DH's dad called to tell us that his grandpa has a pulmonary embolism. We got the phone call at 3 AM that he'd passed away. His grandpa was 89 years old, and we were going to celebrate his 90th birthday and the grandparents' 70th anniversary in two weeks. It sounds like our plane tickets will be for a funeral rather than a party.

    My husband was close to his grandpa, so he's understandably upset. I basically grew up with DH (we were best friends in high school and started dating in college), so his family has been my family long before vows were made. I'm still in shock, but I'm at work. I'm a teacher, so getting someone to cover me -especially at the end of the school year - is actually harder work than just coming in and doing it myself.

    One of the ways that I comforted DH was BD'ing with him this morning. I let him lead; he even told me to "not be shy." So I dove in. In a weird way, I think it was cathartic. I'd told him earlier that night (before all the news) that I was likely ovulating. I think it'd be nice to be able to share some good news with the family in a month or so after all this heartache.

    Sorry for the long story. This is going to be an interesting TWW for sure. My EDD is in June, and his family is in mourning... 2016 has been anything but boring thus far. It's only fitting that the summer is going to have a crazy start!
  • @MooFish2364 I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty! :'(  Hugs to you <3
  • @MooFish2364 I'm terribly sorry. Take care.

    @dubcompanion Also, terribly sorry. Gosh, I don't think May is anyone's best month this year. As far as grief sex goes - I get it and I've has it on my old private balcony fort, in the rain, with someone who is now a dear friend of mine and DH's. It is cathartic and it is one of many natural reactions to death.
    Renee, 34 + Devon, 29 married 08/13 <3
    TTC  09/15
    *TW Loss mentioned*
    BFP 12/15/15 EDD: 08/26/16
    MMC discovered 1/25/16 at 9 +3
    TTCAL 3/2016
    Acupuncture 11/16
    Dx December 2016: unexplained 
    January 2017: 50 mg Clomid + TI =
    BFP #2 01/30/17  Please be a sticky baby!
    EDD: 10/15/17  Measuring ahead! 10/12/17 
    Ambrose born on his due date!

  • @MooFish2364 - I'm so sorry 

    @dubcompanion - hugs and love 
    ---TW BFP and MC mentioned - scroll down past the Lilo and Stitch gif to avoid ---




    Me: 33 & DH: 33
    Married: 07/2006
    TTC: 10/2015
    BFP #1: 11/2015, MC 12/2015 (7 weeks)
    BFP #2: 06/2016, EDD 2/15/2017



    Pregnancy Ticker






  • @reneeannemm Thank you for the kind words. Honestly, I think it helped us to BD. We hit the peak of predicted O (so I don't have lingering regret that we didn't), and it was a way for us to have a nice, relaxing session together before it all truly sinks in.
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