How do I say no to SS giving me all his old baby items

krysnmatt · April 2016

My pregnancy has been relatively easy so far, I've had a few issues that I've been able to turn to family and friends about, but I'm now facing a problem I'm not too sure how to deal with. My partner and I have been in a relationship for 10yrs and he has a 12yo son from another relationship, we'll call him my stepson. We don't see my SS often as he lives with his mother but he had always said he wanted a brother or sister so when we told him I was expecting a boy he was happy. I've just entered my third trimester and I've made a start on the nursery, I've been collecting pieces for the past 6 months and to be honest it's what has gotten me through, I've not enjoyed the morning sickness or gaining weight or all the other wonderful things that come with being pregnant. SS told me recently that he is cleaning his room at home and has sent me photos of stuffed toys he wants to give to me for the baby. I brushed it off but he came around with a big bag of hand me down teddies and told me he also had heaps of his old clothes if I wanted them. I got a little annoyed by this because all I could think of was that they would have been the clothes he wore as a baby when my partner was still with his ex, I definitely don't want those! Anyway one of the teddies he brought me was the size of SS, it's a massive dog and it takes up half of the nursery, I'm not even kidding! I told my partner it will not fit in the room and he said it will just have to. It will not go with anything I have bought for the room and I don't know why a baby would need such a huge stuffed animal anyway. I know SS's heart is in the right place but what do I do, how do I tell him I don't want hand me downs for my baby?

devinsmommy31115 · April 2016

I think that you need to keep whatever he gives you for the baby. It is really sweet of him. I have an 11 year old SS who also lives with his mom. My husband and I have a 5 and 1 year old together. If is hard for my SS because he isn't as involved with my 2 as he'd like to be. Sometimes he feels left out because he misses out on family activities and trips. Your SS is excited for his new sibling.... It is going to be hard enough for them to bond because they're not going to be living together.... Don't make it worse by making SS feel isolated by not using his stuff. If you don't care for the clothing, then only put it on your LO when your SS is visiting. As for you not wanting stuff that your SS wore when your partner was with your ex.... I feel like it's been 10 years and you're being a little immature about the situation. Your SS is your husbands son, your baby's brother, and hopefully someone that you really love and care about.

midge519 · April 2016

I think it's super sweet he wants to pass down his stuff to your LO. A lot of half siblings have a hard time bonding but your SS is trying hard already. I know wanting a perfect nursery is in your mind but give a little and let him help and it'll go a long way to help him bond with you and the baby. Ten years is a long time to still be resentful of his past relationship and things that happened in that time. You could try to mix some of his old clothes with new clothes you have if they are separate pieces.

graciesmurf · May 2016

Lurker:

I know this might not be what you want to hear, but I have an idea of where you can store the dog stuffy. Put it under the crib while you have the mattress raised.

crsanchez87 · May 2016

I agree with PP. If you are worried about where to put an overabundance of things you receive all at once maybe you can ask him to pick out 3-4 of his very favorite outfits + one toy for the baby each month leading up to his/her birth. More concerning than the things, is your feelings towards your stepson and his mom. Others would consider themselves lucky to be in your situation, most are worried about their SC feeling insecure/unloved with the arrival of new baby. I would discuss your feelings open and honestly with a family counselor if you would like this transition to go smoothly and to have all the tools necessary to raise BOTH these two children in a happy environment.

TwizBeans · May 2016

devinsmommy31115 said:

I think that you need to keep whatever he gives you for the baby. It is really sweet of him. I have an 11 year old SS who also lives with his mom. My husband and I have a 5 and 1 year old together. If is hard for my SS because he isn't as involved with my 2 as he'd like to be. Sometimes he feels left out because he misses out on family activities and trips. Your SS is excited for his new sibling.... It is going to be hard enough for them to bond because they're not going to be living together.... Don't make it worse by making SS feel isolated by not using his stuff. If you don't care for the clothing, then only put it on your LO when your SS is visiting. As for you not wanting stuff that your SS wore when your partner was with your ex.... I feel like it's been 10 years and you're being a little immature about the situation. Your SS is your husbands son, your baby's brother, and hopefully someone that you really love and care about.

This. Be nice dude.

dufferoo · May 2016

i agree with pps but want to add that i genuinely would feel exactly like you. i generally hate hand-me-downs and especially stuffed animals, and i would totally reject those offerings from anybody BUT my child/step-child, but in this particular case, i think his feelings are more important than your design aesthetic. think of it as practice for all the times in your future when your child will create the ugliest crafts ever but you will display them proudly nonetheless

queenwog · May 2016

I'm coming to this late, but I'll gladly be the dissenting voice here. My MIL gave me a bunch of SD's hand-me-down toys and I just couldn't get past them. Some of them were absolutely filthy, but even the ones that weren't were just... No thanks. I accepted the items, but won't be keeping them. LO (five months old) already has so much stuff. And as a younger sibling myself, I know what it's like to feel like the dumping ground for your siblings' old stuff and it gets overwhelming to never feel like anything is really yours. I don't want my son growing up like that; he'll have some hand-me-downs but I also want him to have things that are HIS and not associated with his half sister. I don't care for the thought of every time DS plays with a certain toy everyone making comments about remembering SD playing with it when she was a baby. Steplife is hard enough, especially on stepmoms, so I give myself a pass on things like this. I kept a few items and they sit on the shelf in his room, but donated the rest.

If you don't want to keep aaaaall of those things, you don't have to. I'd keep a few, but box them up and give them to him later when he's grown and has his own baby. I kept some of SD's old things that were intended for DS and will give them to her when she has a baby someday.

So contrary to what PPs said, I'd say to take some if it but go ahead and decline the rest. Be gracious, be kind, but... You're under no obligation to fill your baby's room with someone else's things.

mommato3loves · May 2016

From what i gather dont mind twizbeans shes got anything to comment on if she can be negative. Not everyone understands the baring of stepparenting. Its not always immaturity or uglinest choosing to be spread. I genuinely get frustrated when my husbands family so blunted expresses how our 4D ultrasounds looks just like my husband and HIS daughter. Like i get that and i understand but i have two other kids too? My family would never rub anything like that in their faces. Afterall the way i think is gee thanks she looks nothing like him and she was made by another woman so thanks for telling me my daughter looks like my husbands exwife. Ugh. Anyways to steer away from my issues. Its just toys if you dont want them dont keep them! I keep stuff from both my daughter and his for our baby but mostly from mine not in spite but because i picked those things its obvious i want to keep them, her things where bought by someone else with different tastes then me. Im into floral patterns and frilly stuff, not pink camoflage lol but dont feel bad about not keeping things life goes on... We have bigger fish to fry.

TwizBeans · May 2016

mommato3loves said:

From what i gather dont mind twizbeans shes got anything to comment on if she can be negative. Not everyone understands the baring of stepparenting. Its not always immaturity or uglinest choosing to be spread. I genuinely get frustrated when my husbands family so blunted expresses how our 4D ultrasounds looks just like my husband and HIS daughter. Like i get that and i understand but i have two other kids too? My family would never rub anything like that in their faces. Afterall the way i think is gee thanks she looks nothing like him and she was made by another woman so thanks for telling me my daughter looks like my husbands exwife. Ugh. Anyways to steer away from my issues. Its just toys if you dont want them dont keep them! I keep stuff from both my daughter and his for our baby but mostly from mine not in spite but because i picked those things its obvious i want to keep them, her things where bought by someone else with different tastes then me. Im into floral patterns and frilly stuff, not pink camoflage lol but dont feel bad about not keeping things life goes on... We have bigger fish to fry.

I am a stepparent. Please stop following me around and saying crappy things about me. I'm sorry you don't like my advice. Ignore it.

mothernorth · May 2016

Also late to the party here, but as so many have said, maybe keep a few items to be kind and decline the rest and explain that you just don't NEED all of it, but thanks anyway!
I get kind of grossed out by certain hand-me-downs, stuffed animals especially, but a few outfits never did any harm and SS loves to hold onto things for LO so we'll just keep crossing this bridge one step at a time as we go along it.
Also, I have to chime in this and say @mommato3loves that comment you made was a bit immature and unnecessary. You have no business attacking @TwizBeans or any other member of this community ever. If you disagree with somebody, please be an adult about it.

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