Deadbeat in-laws — The Bump
February 2016 Moms

Deadbeat in-laws

I need advice about my in-laws. My DD will be 3 months on Saturday. Since being born my MIL has seen her twice(for a total of about an hour) and FIL has not seen her at all. They leave 2 hours north of us and keep asking when we are bringing the baby up there. They constantly write on her photos on fb how beautiful she is and how much they love her. I know it shouldn't bother me but I just don't think it's right. If they wanted to see her that much I feel they should put forth the effort to see her.
My FIL never only sees his other grandchild at Christmas and his birthday and then gets surprised when the kid cries and runs away from him. I've tried to explain how this bothers me to my husband but he doesn't see it as a problem. 
Does anyone else have problems like this? 

Re: Deadbeat in-laws

  • edited May 2016
    My in-laws are the same way. My MIL is only 20 minutes from us and has seen him twice.  My FIL never saw my 3rd child until he was 11 months old and only saw my newest little guy already because my BIL made him ride up with him to visit (3 hour drive for him).  Otherwise my FIL doesn't even bother to call and talk to DH. I don't understand why it' isn't important to the FIL.

    I think this especially bothers me because my dad passed away 4 years ago and I know if he were still alive he would take every opportunity possible to see his grandkids.


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  • I grew up with my dad's parents only seeing us once a year and being terrified of them. When they passed away, I was sad but I think more because I knew I should be sad? It was probably for the best since they weren't very nice to my dad (who was a wonderful, kind and loving man). I didn't think much of it really until I was older (middle school or high school) and realized that most kids had two sets of grandparents who thought they were awesome and were involved in their lives. Kids tend to think that normal is however their family is and I always assumed the reason we didn't see them was because they lived far away and didn't like to travel. Not because they didn't care and were kind of jerks. Hopefully your parents do a great job making up for it with your daughter--we lived in the Midwest and my mom's parents did a great job making sure we knew how much we were loved all the way from California. 
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  • I'm in kind of the same situation. They love LO of course, but really don't make an effort to see her. They live about 15 minutes away but if they want to see her, they ask me to drop her off there. They think they're doing me a favor to have some 'me time' but in reality it's more of a nuisance because then i have to find something to do around town to kill time cause i don't want to drive back and forth from their house to my house. Usually that means i end up shopping for things i don't need, and then i end up feeling guilty about spending that money. So, i just haven't been doing that lately and i feel like they just don't want to take the time to come over for at least an hour to maybe let me nap or do some stuff around the house that i actually need to do, if they wanted to actually be helpful.
    Anyways, i sympathize, and we just gotta let them do what they want to do because theyre the ones missing out!
    Married: 8/25/12
    Started TTC: 1/1/14
    BFP: 6/1/15
    Baby Girl Athena Born: 2/7/16


  • I think this especially bothers me because my dad passed away 4 years ago and I know if he were still alive he would take every opportunity possible to see his grandkids.
    Girl, I know exactly what you mean. My dad passed away 3 years ago and i know he'd be here all the time too. We definitely don't take things like this for granted.
    Married: 8/25/12
    Started TTC: 1/1/14
    BFP: 6/1/15
    Baby Girl Athena Born: 2/7/16

  • My ILs live far away, but they're the same way. They'll come out to visit once a year, but spend most of the time doing their own thing (without us). I know it hurts H, but at the end of the day, they're the ones missing out. My parents are very involved, so my girls will have a good grandparent relationship there. 

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  • My in laws are great with both girls it's my parents that aren't as involved as I thought they would be. They see them but not as often as I would have thought before I had kids. It might be because I am adopted by 42 year Olds and I am 30. They are very busy with my teenage brother and sister right now. So I try to just accept that my parents aren't ready to be grandparents yet I guess.? It used to hurt my feelings with my first but like others have said it's their loss. 
  • My DH and I just had a conversation about this on the weekend. His mother has been bugging him about us leaving the baby there for the day so she can babysit and I told him it's just not going to happen because she has made zero effort thus far to get to know our daughter and isn't very good with her. She often makes LO cry because she has made zero effort to get to know her routines and doesn't listen when I try and help her soothe the baby, she just views my daughter as something to entertain her and doesn't really care for her or put her needs first. But she still tries to act like she's grandma of the year and we are being selfish by not allowing DD to be alone with her whenever she wants (and when it's convenient for her). It drives me crazy. 
  • My parents live about 4 hours away.  LO just turned 3 months old and they have seen him for a total of about 12 hours.  They've always been hesitant to visit, but I thought that would change with the baby.  DH and I invited them down for LO's first Easter...they came down a few days before and stayed one night.  Not what we were going for.  Then, three weeks later, we invited them down for another event...they didn't come and offered no reason as to why.  My mom, after declining the invite, went right into the topic of us bringing LO to them.  We're going at the end of June, so we definitely won't see them before then.
    My mom also acts like "Grandma of the Year."  She puts on a good show on Facebook and in front of people.  I would never say otherwise because I'm not that way.  However, I can see my LO not bonding with my parents.  We FaceTime once a week (initiated by me), and he gets more fussy each time.  I think it's because he doesn't recognize her voice or that the activity isn't stimulating enough.  Whatever the case, DH and I will take LO to visit them a few times a year, but we aren't going above and beyond.  
  • Latina211508Latina211508 member
    edited May 2016
    My own parents are this way. They weren't always. After a confrontation between my dad and I literally over 6 years ago they put no effort in seeing my children. But they wouldn't even call on birthdays or to ask me how the kids were etc. After bringing it up to them several times and even cutting them off for a couple years then reconciling they still didn't care to put in effort. I think it all came stubbornness. I feel it's their loss. They can't complain about anything because I've tried way more than I should for them to be in my children's lives. In my case my parents had to be cut off entirely. It was way too damaging. Plus they couldn't even have a cordial relationship with me. My inlaws are great. My FIL is in the military and re-stationed to another state and they still see my kids more than my parents ever did. Get this my parents live 20 min away. I think you should be straight up and honest. Tell them how you feel. Because I can tell you personally it can affect your children. My eldest son is heartbroken that my mom doesn't see him. So it wasn't fair to them. 
  • My parents live an hour away and they try to see DS at least once a week. MIL lives in our neighborhood and has seen him a handful of times, and almost always when I bring him over or drive her somewhere. When she's with him I get the impression she acts interested in him because she knows that's what normal grandparents do, not because she's genuinely interested in him. But, her mental health issues seem to be improving lately so I'm hopeful that will improve as well. 


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  • Story of my life. My in-laws are just like this. It used to bother me more with my first son, but I have just learned to grow to accept it. They aren't interested in spending time with my kids and I chalk it up to being their loss. Since my youngest has been born, they have seen him twice---once in the hospital (which they almost didn't come, but that's another story) and one other time when he was about six weeks. My MIL constantly comments on my Facebook photos how cute they are and how much she misses them---but she never calls to talk to them (even my 3.5 year old), never texts us to ask about them and has never once offered to come see them or babysit. We even asked her to help us out and watch our oldest two years ago when our daycare had a planned closure day. She agreed but then two days before when we called to see what time she would be here, she told us that she planned a girls weekend last minute and was doing that instead. The one time she watch our oldest for an hour---one hour---he pooped and needed a diaper change---she put it on backwards and I only realized it when he peed through all his clothes when we had gotten back. I think you need to learn to let it go and leave the door open to when they want to be involved. 
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